Saturday, 25 Av, 5780
  |  August 15, 2020


Hello, My Name is Single Girl

From the COLlive Inbox: A girl in Shidduchim writes her perspective as a single girl, while many of her friends are getting engaged. Full Story

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R’ Chonye Morosov’s Niggun

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my wife
December 7, 2014 11:43 pm

My wife of 14yrs got married late’ ish at 24 (though she started dating at a regular age) ..I was 23 (forgot to ask her age:) anyways she loved her single years, traveled a lot and got a degree … Sure she built a lot of nice memories but 14yrs later she still hasn’t used her degree (she’s a full time Mom B’H and the best possible care giver to our kids and it’ll probably stay that way till she’s ±55) My point is ‘single girl’ ..pause and ask yourself is this where I want to be in 5yrs from… Read more »

hello, my name is single bochur
October 12, 2014 4:51 pm

with so much emphasis placed on yichus and what family one comes from how does one find their bashert despite discrimination against ones upbringing?

Consider this
October 5, 2014 9:51 am

When you will be a kallah and wish your friends iyh by you then you will understand that it really is a Brocha from a heart so overflowing with happiness that she wants you to have the happiness that she does. Not to say that you aren’t happy but yes she hopes for you that your status will change as hers did.

shidduch dating is the worst
September 4, 2014 7:18 am

here’s why shidduch dating is terrible… because it forces you to rely on others for something important to your own life but not necessarily important to them. It is my priority to get married and not anyone else’s. This means that we must wait on other people taking care of all of their needs, wants, dreams, and selfishness before finally coming around to help us out.

Wonderful serene article by a beautiful neshama
August 3, 2014 11:11 pm


Great article and one by a young girl who will be such an amazing wife, mother and soulmate for some blessed bochur out there.

@ 52 sweetheart you got it wrong, she’s fine and balanced. I think you need to check the vinegar level in your pickle jar.

March 24, 2014 3:00 pm

Before you light candles or are saying tehillim etc.
remember to add an extra prayer for your single friends out there
It will mean more to them that you have them in mind and it will absolutely help!

March 5, 2014 9:18 pm


January 3, 2014 3:52 pm

this article really inspires me. im in the same situation as you. im a single 23 year old girl.its extremely hard for me to say mazal tov to my friends at their l’chaim even though im overjoyed for them. dating seems like an everlasting, money wasting horror procees. after reading this article, i got inspired to buy some jewelry from mink jeweler’s and wear them proudly on my next date, that will iy”h be coming up soon. i also now feel good and calm to be this age and single, yet in the process. but hopefully i wont be in… Read more »

So Encouraging and Spiritually uplifting!
October 10, 2013 7:49 pm

Thank you so much for writing this article! You really have a way with words! That caterpillar mashal was so on target. I hope you make the most out of this time, and good luck with your education! You have a strong sense of emunah! Whoever marries you is one lucky guy! : ) May you have a beautiful marriage full of Shalom Bayis, Simcha, Bracha and everything good!

Very true
July 30, 2013 1:23 am

As a much older single girl that’s never been married, I admire this perspective. I’m 51, have a BA, been frum for well over 30 years, and do a lot of chesed. I’ve been rarely offered a shidduch through friends because I have mild Cerebral Palsy, and the thought is that … well … umm, I can only go out with someone who has a “disability” … really? I drive my own car, live independently on my own and etc. So what does one have to do with the other? I’m too “normal” and have plenty to offer to the… Read more »

I love love love your attitude!!
July 29, 2013 5:01 pm

You have a wonderfully, healthy, upbeat and refreshingly positive attitude !
It is essential for everyone at every point of their life to remember that wherever your are at on your journey, take the time to stop and smell the roses and live. Really live and learn and grow so that the next step is another adventure.
Your advice is better than-” the holding your breathe anxiously waiting for the right one to arrive” attitude that has the majority of singles on edge about their unmarried status.
Hatzlacha to you and to all the singles out there!

July 21, 2013 8:30 pm

a postive frame of mind and appreciating the gifts Hahsem sends is the best thing we can do for ourselves (and for shidduchim)
loved the article it gave me a boost,
a single bochur

July 17, 2013 9:49 am

Beautifully written! You are, indeed, quite talented!

To #57, a shtickel digression:
July 17, 2013 3:11 am

I’m puzzled by your ambivalence regarding the attitude of the members of our community towards singles, any singles, those that are talented and mature, as well as those whose talents and maturity are a work in progress. As I see it,singles in this community, whatever their individual personality type, are not regarded as temporary nonentities. To refer back to the (very talented) writer’s metaphoric “journey,” they are, for the most part, regarded as being at a station in their individual lives that may be productive, exciting, enchanting, invigorating, etc. but they haven’t yet arrived at their destination. The comments indicate… Read more »

omg i could have written that!
July 16, 2013 10:17 pm

except the caterpillar example because i truly feel like a butterfly with exceptionally broad wings that allow me to explore and enjoy the journey wherever i go, whereas married people, as much as they reached their ultimate goal.. it is them who are stuck in one place -albeit for good reasons- until the nest is empty and they can fly again…

TO #68
July 16, 2013 8:38 pm

THANK YOU. That is all. You make so much sense!

July 16, 2013 5:07 pm

What a Beautiful article written by a Beautiful person ! May Hashem bless you with only revealed good !!

July 16, 2013 4:28 pm

there is life before marriage!
if you dont have a life, that just aint healthy.
Hashem has His own timing.
keep focused on your wonderful life that you will share one day with your bashert. May the right time be immediately 🙂

To #52
July 16, 2013 3:40 pm

The author did not claim that her present life is her desired end goal. She recognizes that life is a JOURNEY made up of individual moments and she is determined to relish in and capitalize every Gd given moment. Declaring that your present situation is just a purposeless waiting period for something else is a blatant denial in the Love of Gd who is showering you NOW with gifts and potential. Personally, I “divide” my friends into categories of “happily working on themselves vs otherwise” not “married vs single”. Blessing you all with success in being grateful and sensitive. Sincerely,… Read more »

July 16, 2013 2:24 pm

your very lucky
i wish i had waited and saved up a bit and got some schooling now i’m in deep waters…

To 68
July 16, 2013 12:09 pm

Love it!

July 16, 2013 10:29 am

Such an amazing person, I just got marry and I wish my aspirations of growing could be like yours… That’s truly a way a chossid should think…. This is a article a girl wrote with her heart, there is no needs of explaination , no needs of criticism…. You are wonderful”Mushky”… May Hashem bless you, may He give you the opportunity of feeling the success of every single act you do…. You’ll be an amazing wife and mother, right now, enjoy this stage of growing and lighting the world…. Your gorgoues person, and we need many like you…. Keep up… Read more »

July 16, 2013 9:25 am

love this article – such an exact insight into the way so many of us feel.

July 16, 2013 12:09 am

Oh, I want to get married….

# 8
July 15, 2013 11:07 pm

maybe u just found u,r match

July 15, 2013 10:17 pm

i love your fresh outlook on life!
its refreshing,motivating and completely practical!
any dude out there will ,honestly, b lucky to have you!
much sucess

July 15, 2013 9:17 pm

Looks like 99% comments here are positive and agree with the girl who wrote this article. Lots of nice points here that are eye-openers and reminders to us all; particularly those in the single boat. I’m single but so not looking now cause i’m far from ready- still enjoying and trying to live up my single days here while I don’t yet have major responsibilities. Many people on here said you should enjoy your single years as much as u can, enjoy it and don’t at all feel self-pitied or feel like you’re “left out” of the marriage life cause… Read more »

to 68
July 15, 2013 7:02 pm

Lol!!!!! That might have been me writing that comment.

July 15, 2013 6:59 pm

really amazing attitude – perhaps this will awaken an awareness in people that singles dont like hearing that – it’s hard to really get into other peoples shoes – those that wished you well probably have no idea that it had the opposite affect -this is a great perspective!! hatzlocha rabba to you!!

I rarely read or comment on COL articles but this one was just too fantastic.
July 15, 2013 6:06 pm

So refreshing to see I’m not the only “older” single who thinks like this. PS My favorite is when people tell me, dripping with pity, “We should hear good news.” My response? “What?? You didn’t know I woke up healthy this morning? That I communicated with the King of Kings? That I earned a living? That I helped people? That I am safe, educated and happy??” And they shake their head sadly. Ahh, but it’s not pity, it’s care and love? Just like the unsolicited dating advice we get from strangers? Ok. Henceforth I shall lovingly bless you that you… Read more »

Beautifully written.
July 15, 2013 5:31 pm

I really enjoyed reading this and you seem like such a great girl. One day your perfect bochur will find you and it will be worth the wait! The key to everything in life is patience! Thanks for the inspiring words! Besha’a Tova 🙂

@ 63
July 15, 2013 5:02 pm

I wish there was a like button, so I could give you a like for your comment.

Great Article.
July 15, 2013 4:27 pm

I fought off many suggestions to re-locate to CH for shidduchim, I was told that being ‘out of town’ was ‘shidduch suicide’. But I maintained – and still do – that a person will not meet their bashert unless they are happy. I am glad to see an article that shows that being happy and single is not a contradiction. I married at 25 and I loved my single years until then. We also waited 3 years for our first baby and while many people were giving us well meaning advice, we were happy just being a couple. But I… Read more »

To #27
July 15, 2013 3:49 pm

Shidduchim through the mail? In CH, a letter would get to the recipient 5 years after it was sent, after (s)he got married and had 6 kids. Our post office is the worst in the free world! Maybe, shidduchim through UPS or FedEx but for heaven’s sake, NOT the Post Office!!!!

Loved this
July 15, 2013 3:39 pm

There is something wrong with the frum world that early 20’s is already considered old not to be married. I feel so young! I feel like my life is just starting! I don’t need people feeling bad for me – I don’t feel bad for myself. When G-d deems it to be the right time, it’ll be the right time. Until then life will continue, yes I say continue, because I’m not waiting to get married to start my life. I have a career, I travel when I can. I love my family and friends. Marriage will only add to… Read more »

July 15, 2013 2:44 pm

It’s when you get into the thirties that you can start feeling anxious, Marriage can be beautiful but ENJOY every minute of your single days while you have them, because once your married and are blessed with children you will NEVER have your own space and peace and quiet. If it won’t be your children it will be the grandchildren. ALL wonderful wonderful brochos, but your life as an indeperndent person will be OVER for good, grab in all that you can in doing the things you want to do or see

July 15, 2013 1:35 pm
You've got a great attitude
July 15, 2013 12:49 pm

This positive, integrated attitude will get you everywhere in life IY”H! I wish all singles were as positive as you. May Hashem grant you all manner of good and fulfill all your dreams in life. People need to be aware that around two-thirds of shidduch ideas in our community come about through friends and relatives, etc. who know the singles, not from the shadchanim themselves (even though we do customarily, as the Rebbe has advised, involve a shadchan). All of us, of all ages, need to keep our minds on shidduchim. (I’ve even heard of two young teens who matched… Read more »

Mazal tov!!
July 15, 2013 12:48 pm

Wishing you so much mazal! That was super inspiring.
Thank you for sharing!

I agree with #33
July 15, 2013 11:53 am

It’s the people who know you who should try to help out, not everyone should be relying on Hashem to magically make your soulmate appear in front of you.

July 15, 2013 11:51 am

Yout article is amazing!! Thank you for a most wonderful perspective and insight. Is there a place in the shiddach world for someone as unique and different as you? Does the community as a whole welcome your ideas of life, or frown on a fresh thought process and viewpoint?

single until 29
July 15, 2013 10:52 am

When I turned 20 I started dating, I have to admit that I was extremely picky (I only realized that much later). By the time I was 23, I realized something was wrong. why was my whole class celebrating their engagements, but not me? Then I went into panic mode. I got engaged to the wrong person. A few weeks after the engagement, I realized he was not truly for me. We broke the engagement. By 26, I was really depressed. I stopped dating for a while. Then, right before my 29th birthday, this amazing shidduch was suggested. I wondered… Read more »

What a great perspective!
July 15, 2013 10:41 am

What a great attitude to have! This is not limited to being single but to any limitations a persons can think of. When we realize that hashem has given us today to accomplish everything he wants from us we can appreciate that we already have everything we need! Thank you for this awesome article!

1 Point
July 15, 2013 10:33 am

Shadchonim who work endless hours for dead end dates and leads sometimes need a thanks for the work they do.

When they set your son or daughter and after 15 dates it ends with a no the shadchan should receive a gift for all their hard work and time and effort. It is altz hakaras hatov the thought the work the endless hours on the phone.

When you act like a mentch Hashem will help you like a mentsch.

Well spoken. May the elders hear your words!
July 15, 2013 10:31 am

If the parents, educators, mashpiim and elders of this community can echo your healthy, focused, bitochon-filled sentiments, then this community will have a better chance at raising and marrying healthy and happy young girls and boys, who will only be that much better adept at serving their community and those outside their community as the Rebbe envisioned. Yasher Koach.

Sorry, you got it all wrong
July 15, 2013 10:31 am

BS”D Dear Writer: I don’t think I’ve ever written such a negative heading, even when discussing serious religious or moral issues, but here I feel that I need to – not because what you write is so bad, in fact it is beautiful and includes great lessons and values that people yet unmarried could learn from, but because it is founded on a serious flaw – you are writing an opinion about a life change that you have never experienced, and I assure you, you got it all wrong. Did you ever write down your parenting ideas you had as… Read more »

Are you for real?
July 15, 2013 10:23 am

Obviously you think this is the life now etc. but that’s b/c you haven’t been married yet. Don’t kid yourself. It’s ok to admit that you’re lonely but don’t feel stung when someone gives you a nice wish like that..

July 15, 2013 10:20 am

I think I needed this friendly reminder

Thank you!
July 15, 2013 9:13 am

I always say the boy is from Hashem and so is the waiting. While i am waiting I will not be morbid as since it’s from Hashem I have to prove that I am making Hashem’s will my will. Well written and full of hope. Thank you!

Enough Said
July 15, 2013 8:40 am

“My life will not begin when I get married.” Something I’m trying to get across to my parents.

true to a point
July 15, 2013 6:19 am

I think this author is very positive and admirable to write such an eloquent and heartfelt letter.And whilst she is correct to enjoy the single life one has to keep in mind that year and year can pass whilst still saying hashem knows what He is doing .Yes Hashem wants you to be productive but if you are 30 and still single AND really wanting to get married it may be wise to DO something like look internally to why it is not happening for you or go speak to someone with wisdom and who cares about you for advise.Good… Read more »

July 15, 2013 5:34 am

How nice to read about a young woman who is using her years and enjoying life. it is not about WAITING to get married but rather filling each day with meaning and a goal. You are a mature individual, well written,

Healthy attitude
July 15, 2013 5:15 am

Keep it up!

Awesome article
July 15, 2013 3:34 am

Great perspective and well written. Thanks for the pick-me-up and good luck!

great article
July 15, 2013 3:10 am

Beautifully written, great article!
I’m a lubavitch girl who got married at 27.
I loved my years being single, I studied, had a career, travelled and learned so much. There is noting wrong with being single… Marriage is hard work and Im glad that my husband and I got married when we did. We had the opportunity to go to seminary and yeshiva, college and start working. BH we have a wonderful baby boy now. I wouldnt have done it any other way 🙂

to #8
July 15, 2013 2:28 am

she did have a point! that people shouldnt pity her and think she has no life just because she isnt married!

July 15, 2013 2:23 am

Very poignant words. I can relate somewhat to giving yourself appeasing words in similar situations, and I think psychologically it is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. Many people blur the facts; the facts are, as said above, that the Aibishter is running the world, your bashert is out there, and you have to work so hard on yourself to be ready to be zoiche to that shidduch. And there’s no doubt that that time will indeed come.

Thanks for this.
July 15, 2013 2:04 am

It’s people like you that give me hope.

Beautifully written, but...
July 15, 2013 1:44 am

I don’t see your point. Did you write a whole column just to say you don’t care? Sure you shouldn’t get depressed, but it’s not good either to brush it aside and pretend like it doesn’t matter. R”l that can make you delay things. You write how you have room to grow, but are a giver and a mashpia; perhaps your bashert is waiting for you to learn to be a mekabel. I hope you do quickly, and that you should experience that joy – yisron ha’or habah mitoch ha’choshech – very very soon!

July 15, 2013 1:36 am

The problem is that the girls are just as picky as the boys if not more there are plenty of guys out there

July 15, 2013 1:23 am

everyone my parents especially are always asking “when are you going to start your life?” No one seems to realize I already did

To #24
July 15, 2013 1:08 am

maybe Col will act as shadchan and pass on any profiles to this young lady. Why don’t people send them in? There is a problem with parents. The writer doesn’t say if she is taking care of things or her parents are but I can’t tell you how many girls I know, great girls, pretty, talented, frum, who are in their late twenties and thirties because their parents rejected every possibility. They never even got to go out. If parents would be open minded to bachurim who are from BT families, even BTs themselves, or no yichus, or no money,… Read more »

Thank you
July 15, 2013 12:53 am

That was a well written healthy article – and we need to start thinking like that. IY”H the right time will come for everyone, and it really is “b’shaa tova umutzlachas” and for everyone that’s a different time — and meantime “be” and “be healthy” and live! And accomplish! And do good! And – yes marriage will help bring “shleimius” to your life – but right now you are living and molding yourself to be a healthy person – the best mate someone would want! Hatzlocha Rabah!!

July 15, 2013 12:29 am


Happy Bochur
July 15, 2013 12:24 am

im 24 and enjoying my single life. great attitude and to all those “im yirtzeh hashem ba dir” sayers: please try suggesting a name instead of using the cliche saying just because. or perhaps invite a few “suggestions” along to a shabbos meal. who knows, perhaps a succesful shidduch may occur.

Happy Bochur

to # 24
July 15, 2013 12:23 am

are you a bochur? why do you care so much about her name?

Bochur (23)
July 15, 2013 12:18 am

Really invigorating. thank you. i have been hurting recently due to my current single status, and this has soemwhat releived my pain. Thank you.
whats your number btw? 🙂

A curious bochurim
July 15, 2013 12:05 am

Sounds like an amazingly positive girl! :-p :-))))))

July 15, 2013 12:01 am

Tell us who you are!

single girl
July 14, 2013 11:55 pm

thank you for the inspiration!
thats exactly what i need to do! stop worrying and enjoy life!
i shouldn’t be worrying about all this shiduch emotioal rolercoaster let my parents do the job!

Correspondence shidduchim?
July 14, 2013 11:51 pm

I wonder if some would benefit from starting shidduchim through mail. For those of us with a love of literature, nothing gives us more insight into another’s inner beauty than reading a sample of their work. I would happily write a small book about myself if I thought any would want to read it. Can we even express our myriad complexities in something smaller. The dating scene seems like brief bursts of intuition upon which people proceed to base the rest of their lives. I think “Single Girl” is simply too deep for the accepted shidduch format; too non-conformist for… Read more »

great article
July 14, 2013 11:38 pm

Very mature too!!Attitude is everything!Its all how we look at things.Not always easy but makes all the difference.Hatzlocha.

I'm not joking..
July 14, 2013 11:07 pm

Why don’t you sign your full name. Many people (including bochurim) are reading this, and will want to know who you are.

Mazal tov!!! you are still single!!!
July 14, 2013 11:07 pm

enjoy the fullest, b4 your future “bocher” starts paying tuition for your future 27 kinderlach…

great article!!
July 14, 2013 10:55 pm

i really enjoyed it. it reminded me to be happy with what i have and where i am. we think we control our lives, but we don’t. Things will happen when they are supposed to happen. in the meanwhile we can do the best we can, and thank G-d for the opportunities and blessings that we do have. I applaud your amazing attitude! I think its pretty rare these days.

July 14, 2013 10:49 pm

Your metaphor really got me thinking, at least the catapillar has what to look forward to. but seriously hang in there the darkest part of night is right b4 dawn!

Another perspective...
July 14, 2013 10:25 pm

Hey Mushky! I’m 28 and still not married… the good thing about reaching such an (old.. gasp!) age is that all the ‘bad feelings inside’ I had about being single when I was 22, 23, 24, 25 etc and compared myself to the married girls at that age, or felt bad about what people had to say, even if they meant well, have become barely existent as I have grown older and matured. It is very very hard when you are young and single and everyone else is getting the ‘man of their dreams’ however, marriage is truly romanticized! It… Read more »

Well said
July 14, 2013 9:57 pm

People should just live and (as my auto correct just suggested) love their lives. If you’re in good spirits with what you’re doing you’ll be someone that guys want to be with.

What a beautiful perspective!!!
July 14, 2013 9:51 pm

So wonderfully written. I love your attitude! you are so very true. It is funny how everyone thinks getting married will bring you all the happiness you have wished for. Unfortunately too often it is far from the truth. Enjoy every moment of your (single) life. Dream big, but live well too. How i wish i could go back to my singlehood…. iyh you should always find happiness and meaning.

Beautifully written
July 14, 2013 9:51 pm

I think these words can even be applied to having to wait for being blessed with children. I felt the same way in those seemingly long 3 years of waiting and having faith.

great writer!
July 14, 2013 9:48 pm

beautiful written!!

To #10
July 14, 2013 9:47 pm

Your totally right!! I feel it IS their friends responsibility to help her friend!!! But nobody gets it.

A healthy INDIVIDUAL + a healthy INDIVIDUAL = a healthy marriage
July 14, 2013 9:42 pm

It’s critical to be a healthy well adjusted SINGLE, before combining forces and creating a HEALTHY HOME To be a healthy individual, 1. Proper Hashkafa (Yiras Shomayim) 2. Refined Charactir (Middos tovos) 3. Physically and emotionally fit (proactive about ones mental and physical health) 4. Meretz Hamasim (proactively hire/designate compitant/capable advocates seeking a shiduch on your behalf) 5. Consult Yedidim Mevinim (regularly to make sure your objectively on track in general, on on your shiduch efforts in particular. Aka “Aseh Lecha Rav” this vehicle attracts hashem’s sayaata dshmaya, to succeed beyond merely natural limits (learn th sichos, to know who… Read more »

I admire your attitude
July 14, 2013 9:38 pm

Thanks for sharing!

well said
July 14, 2013 9:05 pm

oh this intelligent girl was very clear on her point just #8 read it with your right eye maybe then it will all click by you…

July 14, 2013 9:00 pm

5/6 you did not get her point, her article has nothing to do with expectations, fears etc. Why does everyone feel the need to explain why EVERYONE does this or that or feels this or that???? Let it go for heaven’s sake! Her point is that life is a journey, and she is living hers, her life is not less because she is single, she is on her own journey and thankfully enjoying it. She sounds healthy and mature, and may G-d bless her to meet her bashert in a shaa tova, so that she can have a partner in… Read more »

July 14, 2013 8:58 pm

I hope that newly married couples remember their single friends and think of possible shidduchim for them.

Totally agree
July 14, 2013 8:57 pm

Well said!

a poet
July 14, 2013 8:45 pm

It’s quite a beautifully written poem, however, leading to nowhere! Perhaps, try to be more clear in your writing – what is your point?

Right on!
July 14, 2013 8:30 pm

It’s not all that different for a Bocher. When I get the “IY’H by dir.”, I smile, and then I walk away cringing. I really hate that brocha. However, I tell myself that they mean well, and hopefully the brocha will come true. The thing is, the brocha is nice and all, but what would be nicer, is if they don’t forget the past few years of their life, the second they walk over that threshold. How about supplementing that brocha by setting us up on a date? To all you newly weds reading this: Remember your friends. Remember those… Read more »

Beautifuly Written
July 14, 2013 8:24 pm

May you have a beautiful life with the right one very soon.

July 14, 2013 7:56 pm

Maybe some girls are afraid to get married?

Such Young Expectations
July 14, 2013 7:56 pm

The Orthodox community has such young marriage expectations. You’re talking about the 22-24 year olds. That’s really young.
And these girls feel like old maids when they’re still single at 24. You haven’t even reached your prime yet! Calm down, you’ll find someone soon enough.

July 14, 2013 7:55 pm

live life and enjoy being a caterpillar, and when hashem wants you to be a butterfly so you will be,

Deep true post Baruch hashem
July 14, 2013 7:52 pm

Full of emuna and bitachon that Hashem is running the world

Beautifully and poetically written!
July 14, 2013 7:52 pm

Wishing you a wonderfully, fulfilling journey of continued brochos and simcha!

You go girl!
July 14, 2013 7:46 pm

Single life all the way!

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