On Sunday, 22 Elul, September 22nd, Neshamos hosted an evening on parenting with compassion. The event, attended by over 180 people, featured noted lecturer Blimie Heller of Instagram fame (@unconditional_parenting).
She candidly shared with the audience her own experience of parenting and how the struggle of balancing discipline and establishing authority with love was nothing like what she envisioned for herself as a parent. She quickly grew weary of parenting and would count down the hours from when her kids would come home from school until bedtime. “There’s gotta be a better way,” she thought, and she began researching theories and techniques on raising emotionally healthy children. In the same way a parent would never dangle physical care in front of a child, she as a parent must shift her view and look at an emotional connection with her children with the same urgency.
She explained to the audience how relationships with children start the moment they are born not in the teenage years. The foundation for a strong bond between parents and children starts in toddler years, it does not simply happen overnight when a child hits middle school. If parents want to establish themselves as the support their children crave and need, the connection must be honed and developed in the years leading up to the times when it is easier to relate to what our children may be going through.
She encouraged parents to welcome emotions both within themselves and children. When emotions are ignored, they don’t go away, she explained, they linger in a person’s psyche and ultimately cause repression. “When a child is angry or upset, don’t try to fix it or make it go away- ride the wave of emotion. Its intensity is strong but it will ultimately calm itself and dissipate.”
Another simple way to connect with anyone, especially children is to make eye contact. Looking into a child’s eye when they are talking to you lets the child know that he/she is the most important thing on your mind at that moment. Not dinner or sending a quick work email. Eye contact allows children to feel seen, listened to and validated.
Blimie urged parents to get curious about children’s behavior- when a child acts out or doesn’t respond in an ideal way it is usually our children trying to indicate that something’s not right. Because children don’t always have the language to communicate what may be going on, as parents, it is our responsibility to dive beneath the surface and use cues -such as tantrums or misbehavior- from our children to question and understand- (rather than punish) what is really going on in their world.
She ended with a message of hope how its never too late to correct unhealthy patterns and build deep and meaningful relationships with our children- the most important people in our lives.
One attendee noted that, “It was extremely helpful and a reminder to focus on her parentings and encourage herself to improve,” she also expressed deep gratitude for the work of Neshamos, “The organization educates the community and helps build healthy, strong individuals. And all their programming around mental health and sexual abuse is contributing to progress on awareness.”
Neshamos is a Crown Heights based organization dedicated to promoting mental health awareness and support. Our goal is to create environments within our community that facilitate open communication and discussions for anyone going through a challenge and provide support and assistance.
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To love unconditionally a child who is struggling shows that we love them “even” with their struggles. This is like saying “I love you no matter how you act”
It is still a put down. A parent must see beyond the behavior and only focus on the soul. The beautiful soul yearning for love.
I used to love my kids even with their “modern dress code” But now I celebrate their individuality and enjoy their uniqueness.