By Chaya Kurtz – Meaningful Life Center
Dating can be painful. You put your heart out there on the line, get your hopes up, and it doesn’t work out. Or your coworker sets you up with a relative who turns out to be “nice”, but something feels really off about him or her.
Often it seems that the climate of our times is such that people simply resist the commitment necessary for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Whether it’s due to “commitment issues” (real or imagined), doesn’t really matter.
The bottom line is — we’re burned out from dating. “I’d be better off single,” you say to yourself, to your friends, to your therapist, and to your mother who desperately wants grandchildren.
Stop. We have an alternative:
1. Figure out who you are.
You might say, “There is no one in this entire city for me.” Fine, but who are you? Are you sure you know who you are and what you stand for? Maybe your vision of yourself is cloudy; maybe you can’t find your match because you’re not aware of — and not expressing — your inner identity, who you are in the deepest part of your psyche.
Ask yourself: are you being honest with yourself, or are you being who you think people want to date? Find your voice. When you are living out your life’s purpose, being the most you that you can be, you’re 100% more likely to attract the right person into your life. After all, can we find our soul mate if we haven’t yet found our own soul?
2. Take dating slowly
When you meet someone who you kind of like, why not get to know the person?Y ou don’t need to protect yourself by ceasing to date altogether; you could just change how you are dating. Don’t allow yourself to get pressured to move faster than necessary. Build positive experiences together; talk about your values; see how the person behaves.
Taking it slow protects you from getting burned. If you are meant to be a couple, getting to know each other well before introducing the powerful and often unwieldy force of romance will strengthen your relationship. If you’re not meant to be a couple, you haven’t put your heart on the chopping block, and maybe you’ve made a friend.
3. Respect yourself
Your heart and soul — as well as the heart and soul of the person you’re dating — are sacred. A relationship is not a frivolous interaction; it is the way two special people connect and build something together. A relationship ought to filled with fun and spirit, but it is not a game.
Respect your own dignity and the dignity of your dating partner — respect the dignity of your relationship; higher the standard of your expectations — and the relationship will take on a new dimension, providing you with the clarity to pursue it or not.
4. Set your intentions and communicate them
If you’re looking to get married one day and the person you are dating isn’t the person you want them to be, don’t trick yourself into thinking that you are so wonderful that you will slyly win his or her heart and change him or her.
If you’re commitment-minded, only date other people who are commitment-minded. Set your intentions: You want to meet your soulmate. Communicate them: If you scare the person away by being clear that you are trying to date seriously and are not interested in vying for somebody’s affections, at least you won’t get hurt.
5. Define what you are seeking
List the three most important qualities you are looking for in a soul mate. When you are focused and persistent, you have the ability to ensure that the feeling of being burned out will pass. The best thing that you can do with it is to use it as a springboard for growth.
Beyond figuring out why the last person you dated was wrong, what did you learn about yourself from the relationship? What did it teach you about who you are really looking for? Did the person have qualities that you do want to find in your soul mate? If you use dating as a learning experience leading you toward your soul mate, each date that doesn’t work out can help clarify who you are, and who you’re looking for.
This article is based on the teachings of Rabbi Simon Jacobson, Dean of the Meaningful Life Center. To receive the daily Soul Workout, subscribe here.
I’m a guy – I give almost every girl I am suggest a chance – even if I am not right off the bat attracted to them. I feel that it’s the opposite – it’s the women who don’t give chances at all. I try to approach many women – but get rejected for very external reasons. So I’m not sure whether or not your comment is accurate.
1. Stop looking for Mr. or Mrs. (picture) perfect. “The only people with no problems are the ones you don’t know very well”.
2. Don’t believe all all the lashon hara you hear about others. There are many marriages which would not happen if people listened to the lies and gossip that unfortunately goes around these days..
Well we are all still out there
…and maybe you have made a friend???
This does not seem in line with our hashkafas. If you go out with somone and it doesn’t work out, I don’t think you are supposed to be friends. Our torah believes in the separation of the genders. In fact, the only exception is shiduchim where you have to meet to decide if you are going to marry. After that, i don’t know of any exceptions.
Read the book and many of your questions will go away.
The Art of the Date Hardcover
by Ruki D. Renov
Because it is not considered tznius. If a person cannot be attracted without that feature being just right. Sure people can criticize and say they are focusing on the wrong things, but that does not change the fact that for a marriage to be solid the couple has to like each other, and that includes physically as we learn from (at least one of) the Avos who looked at his wife and make sure she was physically appealing, before he married her. And also, I remember being taught that you can’t ask questions on a Tiyva. Someone might be coerced… Read more »
lol that warrants the’ like ‘ button!
New on the scene, Breakthrough Dating is a wonderful approach to dating. And the proof: since its inception 33 people found their shidduch.. The organization doesn’t set you up with anyone. It teaches you how to date. Strange but true. 33 in two years. It was started by Shira Strassman Teichman. Great new service.
Very well written article! Nice to see.
Thnk u
The chabad approach is to strictly date for marriage (without dragging it out over periods of months
…and maybe you have made a friend???
This does not seem in line with our hashkafas. If you go out with somone and it doesn’t work out, I don’t think you are supposed to be friends. Our torah believes in the separation of the genders. In fact, the only exception is shiduchim where you have to meet to decide if you are going to marry. After that, i don’t know of any exceptions.
Made a friend with someone you dated? Not in lubavitch
Great article…just a little surprised..”based on the teachings of Rabbi Simon Jacobson” I would thought that this organization is based on the teachings of The Rebbe?
Why should I figure out who I am when the guy who I’m dating can do it for me?
awesome article
It seems like all shidduchim articles nowadays carry identical themes…
True for girls. Girls think. Girls give chances. Guys don’t. If they don’t see what they like in the first few minutes, it’s over in their head. Maybe guys should be taught to take the time to get to know someone as well?