And I Continued to Read…

Dear Sisters and Mothers,

I had the tremendous Zechus to read some names at the Ohel. I thought I was ready to start and was about to embrace the names and share them with the Rebbe, davening, begging and asking that we be blessed that our request be fulfilled.

And then I remembered that each name is so much more than a name. Each one is someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend, someone’s son.

Each one of us wants a connection. We want to get married. We want to build a relationship based on trust and kindness. Guided by the words of Torah and the directives of the Rebbe.

So I began…

But after a few names, I stopped and thought about the reality of it. I’ve dated, I’ve been there too many times…

I thought about all the things that in my humble opinion are so trivial. Things that we may say ‘no’ for. Something like height, family name, financials, the car he picks us up in.

Or things that happen and we only know one side of the story (he came 2 hours late… Little did we know that his car went out of control in the pouring rain and he pulled himself together to come out instead of canceling the date — true story). Or he took me to the Brooklyn Marriott (again…)

Can we take a moment and step back and look at the big picture? Will it matter on your wedding day what car he picked you up in? Let’s look long-term. 5 years down the line will we be able to communicate properly? do our personalities seem compatible? Are we attracted to each other? Is this someone I would be proud to walk down the street with? Open our horizons, let’s try!

Sisters, I’m with you in this and I continued to read…

After I finished that page I couldn’t continue.

What about all the things we need to open ourselves up to, making ourselves vulnerable, sharing things that are not that comfortable for us. Discussing struggles we have, may it be in our life or our family. May it be a strength we have that he sees as a chisoran. Feeling we need to prove ourselves. Running in our mind to wedding gown by date number two. And then I continued to read…

And then I stopped again.. I couldn’t…

I noticed that I was reading a list of 3/4/5 children from one family!! I had to take a double look! Was that a typo? But I realized it wasn’t. I thought about you, our mothers.. every day you wake up and daven, you do all you can spiritually. And we come home and say Ma, he’s not enough, just not enough… if only he were like xyz.. why can’t you find someone like that? Take a moment, sisters, to think just a bit more about our parents feelings. They raised us and do more than we can see. Sometimes let`s just cut them some slack, they`re trying their best.. And only one day when we are in their shoes might we possibly understand.

And then I continued reading…

But this time I davened for the mothers, my mother, to be able to continue to be our rock, our foundation throughout this process in ways we may not see. Whether that mother figure is a good friend or a Mashpia or whoever it may be let`s daven that they should have the strength to guide us when we are in the midst of dating and our vision gets clouded…

And then I stopped…

How hard is it to let someone in when we are busy with our own lives, how are we going to be able to accommodate someone else’s needs? And before ours? How can we give up our independence? If it’s so painful should we continue to try?

I stopped and thought What? What can we do differently? What is it Hashem?
And with that, I continued to read…

And suddenly as I read Chaim.. Levi… I thought, ‘wait! Do we give them enough credit for wining and dining us in the dating process? Do we give the guys a fair chance? Are we able to give them the space they need knowing we are different, we both have great qualities to bring to the relationship.’

And then I continued to read…

I was coming to the end of the names, with just a few more left, I said: Hashem, all those tears that were cried, all the broken hearts, all the rejection, all the hurt of seeing our friend with 1/2/3/4/5/6 children and more, all the extra chesed we did because we had more time, take a strong look at it!

Use that to our advantage now! Hold all that as our elegant train connected to our gown to walk us up to the Chupa! Don’t take it for granted Hashem! We put on a smile no matter how we feel. And I continued to read.. and I finished.

Now dear sisters,

I’m right here with you holding your names as my hands shake knowing that each of us has so much on our hearts! I ripped up the names and gave them over to Rebbe. I know He will shake the heavens for each and every one of us!

In the meantime, keep dating, keep eating pizza or nothing at all!

Don’t stop your life, continue having a ball!

May our stress and pain be turned into joy and gladness as we rejoice together at each others Simchas!

Wishing you all a Gut Yom Tov,
Your fellow sister.