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By: Zvi Gluck
In the days before Tisha B’Av I penned an op-ed titled The Heart Beats On, sharing my thoughts on the terrible destruction that klal yisroel has witnessed, both during the times of the Bais Hamikdash and today, as abuse and addiction have ravaged our communities, leaving a trail of devastation and heartbreak in their wake.
Over the past four years since the founding of Amudim I have written more than a few op-eds. None has generated the type of response I have seen these past few days, with no less than 30 emails, voice mails and calls flooding my phone and my inbox. The stories were simultaneously similar and unique, with all sharing a common denominator of having come from individuals who were over the age of 40 and had been abused as children. What was it that made them keep their secret buried for years? Some had been threatened by their abusers, while others were silenced when they tried to talk to an adult so as not to tarnish the family reputation or ruin potential shidduchim. And then there were those who suffered in solitude, the overwhelming shame and guilt preventing them from ever seeking help from a trusted adult.
It is important to realize that without proper treatment, the effects of molestation can haunt a victim for life. While the individuals I heard from in the last few days are proof positive that the agony and torment can lie dormant for years, when it finally emerges it does so in an unstoppable torrent. Much like fault lines can be indicative of impending earthquakes, untreated trauma foreshadows subtle but serious damage: three of the people who contacted me were divorced and had formed only limited relationships with their children and former spouses, never once realizing why they couldn’t maintain a healthy marriage and family lifestyle. Ironically, the answer to their problem had been there all along – being abused had eroded their ability to trust others and even though on the surface they were leading seemingly healthy lives, ever widening cracks were slowly but surely building up to a seismic disaster with catastrophic repercussions.
Yet another person I spoke to was a man in his sixties. A father and a grandfather who runs a successful business, he called me sobbing uncontrollably after reading the op-ed, telling me that he never got the help he needed after being molested by repeatedly by an uncle and wondering if it was too late to get help for the pain that continued to plague him nearly 50 years later. And then there was the letter that came from a woman whose abuser had threatened to kill her if she ever told a soul that she had been molested. She explained that, for victims, every day is Tisha B’Av, the fires of abuse reducing their hearts to ash, much like the flames that consumed the Bais Hamikdash 2,000 years ago, and called the Jewish community to task for sweeping incidents of molestation under the rug as they defended predators in order to spare them shame and embarrassment.
“If chas v’chalilah you are one of those choosing to directly assist the abusers, you are the right hand of the cruel predators, choosing to open fire and to burn homes and pure Jewish souls,” wrote the woman. “And if you choose to see nothing, to do nothing and to say nothing, you are choosing to support abuse and to add another piece of wood to the burning furnace and to burn yet another pure, suffering soul.”
We have spent the past four years raising awareness of these issues, erasing the associated stigmas so that no one will ever have to suffer in silence. Our ever-increasing call volume, the number of new cases that we are opening and the many awareness events that we have held just this year alone are proof positive that we are making progress. And looking ahead to the future, we are putting together school curriculums to educate students and working with our lay leaders, parents and educators to recognize potential threats and put a stop to them before the damage can be done.
But we can’t do any of this without you. If you are reading these words, we need you to understand the very real threat that abuse, which so often leads to addiction, poses to you, your family, your friends and your neighbors.
Abuse doesn’t discriminate. Not a single segment of our community has been spared by this plague which has been striking with abandon all across the religious spectrum. We have the ability to put a stop to this epidemic and the time has come for us to draw a line in the sand: if we protect abusers because we feel bad for their families and don’t want to sully their good names, then we share in their guilt. We need to direct our compassion, our allegiances and, yes, our financial support to the innocent victims whose lives were shattered through no fault of their own. If we stand with them and get them the help they need, we can finally put an end to the never ending nightmares that haunt them 24/7.
You can either be part of the problem, or part of the solution.
Which one is it going to be?
Join us on July 31st as we launch our 36 hour “I Give With Heart” Mendy Klein Legacy Campaign, with all donations quadrupled by our generous matchers. The campaign will allow us to continue our lifesaving work, helping those who are suffering get help and educating our community, from children through adults, so that we can finally eradicate abuse and addiction from within our midst. We urge you to visit the campaign online at www.IGiveWithHeart.com and become part of the Amudim solution with your generous donation.
13A WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT from Amudim on Vimeo.
sounds like any closeting of child with adult needs to be with a camera – how sad is that.?
and , yes, there has to be a way to prevent false accusations.by discreetly placing cameras and seeing who is at
how are the accused expected to defend themselves, how are the accusers expected to prove their case?
I also taught in a school once and was falsely accused. But in the back of my head I wonder if those children had experienced abuse in the past and knew because I was strict they could use it to get rid of me. Which I am sure they did. However, I wouldn’t discount what a child says, if they are giving details they had to have learned it from somewhere, home, family, school, mikvah, camp, a friends home…The important thing is to allow the child to talk about it and then discover the perpetrator.
A child falsely accusing a teacher of even a patch is not taken lightly by administration . A Morah or Rebbe can lose their job over it or face charges. It is within a child’s realm of thinking to do so. It’s important for teachers to protect themselves from this at any or all costs.
Prevention is so much more powerful than a cure, please parents speak to your children, make sure that they know they can always come to you and that you will listen to them. Tell your children that there must never be secrets, Repeat and keep the conversation going, especially before going to camp or to a friend for a sleepover and before the school year begins.
Maybe they can’t fabricate it, but #6 is correct. Read up on the many cases of the 1980s that turned out to be false accusations brought about by coaching children (intentionally or unintentionally) to give the answers the investigators were looking for. Start with https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day-care_sex-abuse_hysteria, for example.
Please believe your children! They cannot possibly fabricate a story of abuse and molestation if they had never been exposed before. I believed mine and I’m so glad I did. In spite of the struggles and difficulties my child is so much better off than those who continue to suffer in silence. Until communities change their way of thinking, it is our responsibility to speak up and not allow the silence to continue victimizing our children. Hashem should bentch, protect and keep all children safe.
On the contrary. It has been proven that children can be led, when asked certain questions, to say things that are completely false, in order to please the questioner.
I know of a lubavitcher summer camp where a camper made a claim to the Head Staff that his counselor had abused him. Upon investigation it was found out that the camper had in fact made up the story to ‘get revenge’ at his counselor for taking time off a trip for something the camper had done wrong.
Luckily they managed to verify that. Imagine if they hadn’t…?
It’s been proven that children don’t make these things up. Maybe about a patch, but molestation is a very different story. Believe the child, have them deal with the cops and let the cops do their job.
At the same time I believe there are too many false accusations .I am a morah and a 4yr old boy told his mother that i hit him and nothing was further from the truth. I had never been alone with him . I had always treated him like my own and it was then and now beyond my understanding and hurtful that she just believed him and attempted to make trouble for me where I worked.
What I don’t like is how people say that the abuser nebach has a sickness and if they have a beard they will let him go to shull or give him a job saying, “will tell our children to stay away.” No I feel that people who sympathize with abusers are showing the abusers that it is ok what they did.
When “leadership” recognizes that it pays more to protect Jewish children than Judaism then most of our problems will become solvable.