By anonymous
In going through my journey as an older single, I’ve realized a few hard-core truths that I would like to emphasize in hopes of helping others do the same.
Firstly, it’s super important to involve an outside person, either a coach, mashpia, or therapist. I know the older one gets, the more we feel we know everything because we’ve experienced life. Still, the reality is that it’s hugely important to have a reliable person to go to with your questions and even feelings and to gain a different perspective often. It allows you someone who can help guide you and not control your decisions.
Often in Shidduchim, we are quick to make decisions on a whim without the ability to think things through. That’s why having an outside ear is so important. The right person can help ground you; they can help you sometimes be more objective and hopefully prevent unnecessary hurt for you and the other person.
Secondly, it’s important to make yourself ready for another person. While it’s not easy to do, and often you aren’t a hundred percent ready, one has to not just jump into dating cuz “I’m getting older” or “my friends are doing it.” If you were going on a long car ride, you wouldn’t jump in. Rather, you’d put in gas, check the mechanical system and make sure the tires have their air. The same is true in Shidduchim; you need a full body workup. Ensure you are mentally prepared or at least mentally and physically ready to date and work through the process. You may hit bumps in the road, but then you must decide if you will go straight or veer off into another path.
Unfortunately, if you don’t prepare yourself to date, you will likely hurt someone else. So while the preparation is for you, it also impacts someone else. So put yourself into the process, don’t play distant or “too busy,” and if you aren’t available and put in the effort, then be respectful and a mentch and don’t date.
Excuses are just that. It clearly indicates that you aren’t ready to date and aren’t interested in desirable results. Effort is important, and knowing where to put it shows your desire to date.
“Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life and relationship with others makes all the difference.” – Marilyn Atkinson. The journey of Shidduchim is hard enough that you don’t need to hurt someone over it; give it your all.
Last, but certainly not the least, use the time to focus on you and your Emunah. One might think it’s easier said than done, but we all face life’s challenges. Some may seem more difficult than others, but at the end of the day, Hashem runs the works, and ultimately it’s for the good. When things don’t work, it’s a reminder that Hashem has something better for you, and you just need to wait a bit longer.
Dating is an opportunity for growth but hopefully a healthy growth. It teaches you proper communication skills, how to become aware and sensitive to others’ feelings, and if all else fails, it teaches you what you truly need in a mate.
Take your time and invest in yourself. Each situation you go through and each date you meet is to bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal of finding your partner in life, finding your Bashert. And for those looking, may it happen very soon, with Hashem’s help.
I totally agree with your second point. I wouldn’t allow myself to get married till I didnt take care of important things that needed to be taken care of before I got married. A lot of people bring their baggage to their marriage and everyone suffers. Me I said, I FIRST take care of my things – set THOSE straight and NOW I’m ready! 2 additional points: 1. People have to stop being judgmental. Do you really know what’s going on? By a single or married persons life?! Dont judge till you are in that person’s shoes! People judge and… Read more »
Your second point is spot on.
According to torah, you don’t need to listen to your parents when it comes to shidduchim.
Ok but most people benefit from the advice of a parent for shiducchin nowadays!
Parents are not the solution. Let’s leave it at that.
Only when, hopefully, the shidduch is
שומר תורה ומצות
I know a older bocher. When young met a girl and they decided to get engaged. The day before they were to make it official, his mother heard something about the girl she did not like and called it off (against the boys will)…. The girl went on and got married to someone else, and years later this boy is still single…
That obviously means it wasn’t bashert. It didn’t happen in the best way… But gd has his plans
The word bashert is often misused. In truth only Hashem
knows what is or isnt bashert , meaning HE decides or
changes what could or should be.
The more experience in life I get, the less judgemental I become. Well put!
Lots of older singles are not dating because no names are being suggested or if names are suggested it’s not suitable. Halevy older singles should date with the right one! And the last point you made cannot be emphasized enough!!! Emunah and Bitachon are soooo important in this difficult challenge!
Seems like the article was written by the parent
Not written by a parent rather an older single who remains with emunah that a match is on its way
A lot of singles are already doing everything right. So for them it’s really is about self growth. The single years are a gift for strengthening emunah. And for the emunah of those around them.
I know an older single and I wish she reads this.
It would also be helpful if her friends told her that she cannot expect to come as is but has to constantly work on herself to be more clean and beautiful. The same would apply for a guy.
Positive perspective and a growth-mindset are very attractive.
Plenty of not so “clean” and put together people get married. Many perfectly put together people are still single. It’s a matter of the right match coming along at the right time. Please stop with the idea that all married people have perfected themselves and only singles have what to work on.
As an “older single” myself, I think it’s important not to label yourself as an Older Single, your a person just like everyone else
Some people are married some people at not some people were and some people will be, whatever HaShem does is kindness and goodness and that can make you happy.
Much success!
When i tell people how old i am and that i’m not yet married they are surprised and say “you’re X years old and not married? you’re old you should go find a spouse.” first off, i don’t realize how “old” i am till you point it out. second off, instead of just stating the obvious how about help out with finding a suitable spouse or keep your comments to yourself. they don’t help anyone. if you have nothing good to say keep it to yourself.
I was looking for such an article. Unfortunately I didn’t have great experience in Shiduchim my self as they were very pushy, and didn’t give me enough time to think, and unfortunately I’m suffering myself. Shadchonim have to understand, if it’s for Money to get paid (and pay bills)…… your in the wrong business. Sorry to say, but you need to be out of that business! If you just plain and simply (without thinking of pay) trying to help out one another? Then Good. Shadchonim. If HE is good for SHE or vice versa SHE is good for HE then… Read more »
Yes, and not just shadchonim. If you’re in business just to get paid, the get a regular job, with a boss. But to be your own boss, you MUST be driven by something BIGGER than money for the money to flow.
I want to reiterate the importance of in-person suggestions via Shabbos meals instead of via emailed profiles. Don’t tell them in advance that you are doing this. Just invite them both to the meal. Then, after Shabbos, ask each one privately if they would like to consider the other.
I loved this article. Thank you! Very good words to mull over.
What if they went out already wouldn’t that be awkward and in the future they’ll avoid your meal due to this surprise
We appreciate the suggestion more than a possible chance of awkwardness
A bochur when he is at a shabbos meal is not Supposed to hang out and chat with the females there
It only causes harm
Inviting single boys and girls to the same shabbos meal? Since when is that sanctioned?
Please make sure both parties are open to the idea of meeting people at your Shabbos table. It can be awkward, if you not aware of a person’s dating history to invite a pair that have history were one side really hurt the other.
Sometimes an older Single needs a calm peaceful Shabbos meal that doesn’t have to do with Shidduchem.
I would turn down the shidduch just because it was a set up. If you cant be a mentch and suggest to me the shidduch but do it as a blind date – I will automatically turn it down. (And dont give me your sour face because i did that, don’t set me up!) I dont care what kind of guy he is because decent guys wouldnt agree with this arrangement either. Be a mentch!
Better yet, invite bochurim for one meal and girls for another. Then make suggestions. That’s been the way for a few decades now!
1. When it come to ANY question in life, we look to see what is “daas torah”.
The Rebbe wrote many times about the two parties meeting specifically with the help of a Shadchan.
This on the other is called pritzus
[Not the same, but the people with your mindset probably also push for speed-dating….]
2. Personally, I wouldn’t ever forgive the host for doing this to me, and would never come back for a meal. This is simply deceiving.
If you have a suggestion, bring it up. Don’t start pushing and forcing it down peoples throats
It is counter-productive
Wow, all of this rock-throwing just for a suggestion. But I guess I appreciate the feedback. Though, I think it was misunderstood. I personally have been at a Shabbos meal, or yom tov, or a Seder all of which had MANY people at the table, some of whom were single and some married. It was just a nice way to learn about someone in a natural environment in the beautiful atmosphere of Shabbos.
The one thing which is missing here is for the Yeshivas and seminaries to prepare our Children for the life ahead. There is a huge need for sensitive guidance to each person as they develop. The lack of guidance is glaring when people come to dating with no idea where their life is going. How can they make the decision of their lives if they have no idea who they are? Help the kids understand who they are and what they are here for!
High School
Sorry to break the news, seminaries DO THAT ALREADY! Yeshivas should train the bochurim
“Each situation you go through and each date you meet is to bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal of finding your partner in life, finding your Bashert.” – Nope. Some goals are for you alone to accomplish. Some goals are in academia, in the workplace, in family or friendships, in spirituality, in political or worldly affairs… Life does not revolve around finding a life partner, and it’s ridiculous to think that the acquiring of a spouse is all we’re meant to do. The world is so much bigger than that and no one, not any gender on the spectrum,… Read more »
We follow the Torah and it’s injunctions.
This is a Chabad site. We also follow the Rebbe’s direction.
Marriage is not a maybe. It’s the completion of the soul. Children are not a maybe, they are the first (=primary) mission given to man kind by G-d.
This comment is so absolutely hepech haTorah and hepech unzere derech that I wouldn’t be surprised if the commentor was working for some leftist propaganda organization.
How was this comment ever approved to be posted??
How did this left wing woke activist land in this website?
Wasn’t free speech absolutests a right wing thing? Or was that only free speech for the right wing values?
Anyway, thankfully this isn’t a complete echo chamber, their is 20% support for this comment, telling you that you are getting to hear other perspectives in the comments on occasion.
That should be very helpful for your self growth. Just be open to hear, even if you disagree.
Signed,
– Centrist with a different opinion 🙂
This is a site for Jews who follow the Torah. No, “free speech absolutism” is not a Torah value.
There are plenty of sites you can go to and discuss unreligious views. Don’t come to a frume comunity promoting things completely opposite our view. Thanks for understanding
As someone who went through this process as single & older. I had my ups and more downs with this. Wish I had more guidance and trustworthy ppl to confide in back then. I was on Shlichos, older. Focusing on building my life in the best way possible. Self esteem self image confidence etc. personally for what ever reason I wasn’t in a rush despite my age. I felt content with what I had at the time. Of course family friends acquaintances were always reminding me encouraging me to take the leap of faith. Worse off, was after I dated… Read more »
I remember listening to the lecture where the Rav said: “does this person even exist?”. Some “older” singles have a very long list of requirements when you suggest them someone like: a person needs to be tall, fit, with a good parnasa, frum and without any “blemishes” and they do not even have all these qualities. Some girls turned down shiduchim because men is a teacher, has a regular office job, or does not make enough money, but they are also do not have high paying jobs, the same with some men who have unrealistic expectations like: I am 48… Read more »
But regarding your list of requirement as a single young women in my 30s, a 48 man – is not being realistic. Focus around your age number but definitely not 13 years younger. If the idea is regarding children – probably either adopt or a women in her early 40s can have children.
Me personally as in my 30s I would want in the 30s – I would prefer to start my life with someone even younger then me rather then in the 40s….
Just being realistic.
S/he literally wrote it as being unrealistic
Parent are not responsible to get you married, you are. If they are getting your way, get them out of your way. Too many singles in their late 30 and even 40s are still relying on their parents to get them and vet them dates… GROW UP. There is nothing holy about letting your parents control your dating life. Quite the contrary it is a way to excuse your lack of effort. It is evil and I’ve seen it. When a woman over 35 tells me she has been out with three guys and she still only dates men who… Read more »
I’ve been on the dating scene for quite a few years. By the time I was 25, I realized that I was better at filtering through suggestions for me than my mother was, so I stopped having everything run by her. I personally believe that I am capable of reading through the lines of profiles and research data and I won’t miss any red flags. I say this to point out why singles above 30 are still running everything by their mothers. They are usually scared that they’ll miss important details before it’s too late (and by a certain age,… Read more »
As a shadchan, just want to say we do hours of work as a chesed. We do it willingly and happily. Anyone in the “business” of shadchanus knows the money is not the reward. You need to set up many to see one through. Not to mention many and most of the parents that give nothing along the way!! Even a kind word of appreciation can be meaningful. We get alot of people thinking they can just crank us for names, and blame us for everything that goes wrong. Anyways I hope everyone finds what they are looking for!
Because I never got one phone call. I get demands ( when I CALL SHATCHANIM) of sending my life around aka profile with updated info and only to suggest the first guy that comes to mind. And faced with shatchanim getting insulted because it wouldnt match. And suggest no other potential matches even months later….. So money or appreciation? Is there even a phone call?
Needing guidance is common sense. Usually helpful. But sometimes not… I’m bh married and have kids but helping people with shidduchim. (Im not a shadchan).it is completely voluntary and needless to say i don’t get paid or want to get paid. I have seen COUNTLESS times when girls refused a Shidduch “because my Mashpia told me…” Sometimes things go smooth and yes, the same excuse! It’s very irresponsible to make decisions which you’re not sure about, or are clueless on the topic. Bc I’m not experienced, i don’t giv advice on the matter. Please, it’s YOUR Achrayus. Who gave you… Read more »
There are many types of shadchanim, some do this full time, but many, myself included do it for the inyan. As I like to say I dabble in shidduchim, which means when I think of an idea I pick up the phone and try to make it work.
Most people do show appreciation because most people are mentschlach.
I think the solution to the shidduch crisis is for more people to dabble in shidduchim. Pick up the phone and make suggestions.
As a semi older single who has gone out on many dates you have to be mentally and physically ready. There were some where I liked the person and was really hoping they would say yes to another date and everything looked good and you can see how you two would be good for each other and wishing they see that back in you, but of course they never appreciate you for who you are and call it off. (This has an emotional and physical toll on you) Then the other side is you are not sure if you like… Read more »
The photos in the profiles
That’s the real problem
Honestly
People view profiles like a furniture catalog
“Hey, show me another one, this doesn’t speak to me”.
Or
“I don’t ‘feel it”.
OMG
A photo is NOT THE PERSON AT ALL
we need to come up with plan B
Sending singles on dates without seeing the photos!
It’s killing off potential shidduchim
And this photo the girl is on the boat or near trees or around trees or the photo was taken 10 years ago – honestly why cant people be honest? If you cant date now – just dont! And then they complain why isnt nothing moving? Fix your problems first before to involve another person in your life! I agree with photos (because I hate to be caught by surprise) but be honest with them!
Agree! You’ll get a better look at the girl in person on a date than from any photo!
like at the very least, no girl should ever have to submit a photo.
I understand the single world and their tough times. I myself married at 27 had two kids and divorced by 30. Then I waited 18 long years and remarried and had a third kid. I realized that many marriages especially in the younger circles happen because of parents who push their kids. It could be very good if the marriage works out. Many older singles have no living parents or young parents who can push them into marriage. It’s not always money and height that lead to quick Shidduchim. It’s connections. You can be a multi millionaire and not find… Read more »
I actually cannot believe anyone would judge someone based on height
Was much better before pics and resumes. When people met by word of mouth. When people met not just looking for looks and those with good jobs but for shared goals in building a home based on yiddishkeit.
Didnt have so many unmarried because they werent beautiful in others eyes.
Looks should not be the focus.
Thru the generations no one met by resume and people married.
Emphasis is on all the wrong things now
let’s get rid of all the resumes.
major
Resumes are for doctors, scientists and professors who need to prove themselves. People before the craze called resume, would meet with those who share their goals to build a home based on Yiddishkeit. When emails were invented, information would be sent via email for convenience.To make it easier, a format was created known as a resume. What many people don’t realize is that many great candidates are overlooked because a person is not a piece of paper. Meeting in person is a whole different story. And many more great candidates would be appreciated.Time to return to the wisdom of the… Read more »
We all know the Shidduch crisis is 90% on the parents. Stop driving singles crazy for no reason. Start talking to parents and oh boy, will you discover all the actual problems. Both forcing to date and holding on an preventing dating. Ad Kan!