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Saturday, 20 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 25, 2019

    770 Bochur Vs. Chilled Guy

    Shidduchim SOS: A puzzled bochur who read the previous blog wants to know if the Shidduch system works for everyone, comparing the "average 770 bochur" vs. a guy who's a little more "chilled," who has had contact with girls over the years. Full Story

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    role reversals
    Guest
    role reversals

    I think one of the main problems these days is that boys like the author of the letter expect to be “swept off their feet.” Hold on a second, aren’t the boys the ones that are supposed to do the sweeping???!!

    been in the system for 7 years and still looking
    Guest
    been in the system for 7 years and still looking

    I don’t agree with the terms used-770 bochur, chilled, frozen, LSS, and last but not least, Frum but with it bothers me the most

    wow!!
    Guest
    wow!!

    thanks for this article!!!realy helped me with an idea for my 2nd son

    Special Guy:
    Guest
    Special Guy:

    To the guy who wrote this question, instead of asking “nice girl, but why is she different than anyone else out there? What makes her the special one for me?”

    Ask yourself “why am I different than anyone else out there? What makes me the special one for her, or any girl?”

    In other words. whats in it for her?

    You will be shocked by the answer!

    u sound
    Guest
    u sound

    u sound like a freak and really lame, why do u expect that your gonna get miss perfect if ur not mr perfect

    experience
    Guest
    experience

    am a chilled guy as u call it. bot as my past experience hanging out with girls and finding Ur own girl for a shidduch isnt the best thing.it didn’t work for me and i have frands which wher vary burnt from it , and they where vary serious ,and are still in pain. a sistom was made for us, it work t all this yrs,what has changed? it is vary hard wan u just get in to a relationship for awhile before u get engaged,than u have fights arguments and their isn’t anything holding on to u guys, so… Read more »

    Research
    Guest
    Research

    Is Step #5 redundant to Step #4? or is step #5 geared towards the person looking for the shidduch him/herself vs. the parents? Is there an implied suggestion for the guy or girl to do his/her own research after the parents have presented him/her with a name?

    mom
    Guest
    mom

    When my son was dating his wife he said that he really liked her but asked how he should know if she was the “right” one.
    I advised him to date 100 more girls and compare them but he decided to stick with her. Keneinahora their kids are very cute!

    thanks this article spoke straight to me
    Guest
    thanks this article spoke straight to me

    though why did she advertise a website

    and i liked comment 5 though i am great!

    how do we deal in shidduchim if someone doesnt have a clear future and has options

    and i am committed to live with the one i am dating i pray to g-d when i start to give it my all and to marry her

    Great article & well written!
    Guest
    Great article & well written!

    Why are people bashing this guy???

    I think he brought up an issue that others may have been wondering about themselves… I think it’s very mature of you to step up & voice your opinion (& don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!)

    p.s I also liked how Mrs. Junik answered the question. She gave constructive tips, without putting anyone down!

    Sara Junik
    Guest
    Sara Junik

    You are good!!

    excellent response by Mrs Junik
    Guest
    excellent response by Mrs Junik

    Well done Mrs Junik, this is a well-constructed response!

    To # 1
    Guest
    To # 1

    Men should sweep you of your feet, Or so sais the ferrytale, When a man sais a woman did not sweep him of his feet ,he means mentaly, then he will continue literaly as in the ferrytale, after the wedding.!!!

    I am the average "770 guy"
    Guest
    I am the average "770 guy"

    I am your average 770 bocher, considered a good bocher etc. from a good family and everythihg.
    still I expect to be excited about my future wife, i am totally expecting it to be everything that i imagined and not a bit less.
    i wont settle for what sounds good on paper.

    Thank you collive
    Guest
    Thank you collive

    Wow, thanks collive this is so amazing and informative.
    Please keep bringing us articles like these.
    May there be many more mazel tovs to share!
    Mom from CH

    OUTRAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Guest
    OUTRAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    SO NOW A BOCHUR WHO WAS LOW ENOUGH TO STOOPED TO HIS MOST BASE TEMPTATIONS “PREVIOUS CONTACT WITH GIRLS” IS CALLED MERELY A “CHILLED GUY”?????

    RL HOW DEAR THIS AUTHOR WHITE WASH SUCH CREEPS/PREDATORS WITH A BENINE TITLE “CHILLED”????!!

    THEY (THESE CREEPS) HAVE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,DEGRADED AND WOMANIZED SOO MANY LOVE-STARVED YIDDISHE DAUGHTERS! (SHMOOZING THEM) USING THEM AND INEVITABLY DUMPING THEM HIGH AND DRY LIKE CHEAP PIECES OF MEAT WORTH LESS THEN A PAID…. RL

    CALL A SPADE A SPADE (AND A SELFISH CREEP A LOWLIFE THAT HE IS!!)

    to 14
    Guest
    to 14

    no offense but if your a “770 Bocher ” what are you doing online?

    Life Coach for Singles
    Guest
    Life Coach for Singles

    No counter-statements except for one very urgently-needed and helpful outlook: People exist out there, who simply are not successful and/or comfortable with the traditional shidduch system. Perhaps “Chanoch LaNaar Al Pi Darko” does not refer exclusively to literal teaching. As a community, we need to be more understanding and flexible.

    To #6
    Guest
    To #6

    Please tell me you are French or Spanish and English is not your first language, because that is atrocious!

    #6..
    Guest
    #6..

    Your comment was really difficult to read due to your poor english. Wow

    You sow what you reap
    Guest
    You sow what you reap

    Very sorry for the chilled guy, but he got the natural consequence of his actions. The Rebbe says very clearly: That when we are close when we are meant to be far, we will end up being far when we are meant to be close. The Torah guidelines which disapprove of casual pre-marital or extra-marital friendships are not to fence us in, but are for our very own benefit. We disregard the frum lifestyle at the peril of our very own happiness. So, chilled bochur, do tshuva and hopefully you will find in marriage the meaning and friendship that eluded… Read more »

    #16 right on the $
    Guest
    #16 right on the $

    i agree with you 101% 🙁

    having the chills?
    Guest
    having the chills?

    I think the term chilled has to be clarified a bit in this article. There are definitely different levels of “chilled” in Lubavitch. It is a very relative term. That is why when someone tells you the guy is chilled you have to ask what that means. Does he pick or trim his beard, does he listen to non-jewish music etc…. If someone has “exposure” to girls what does that mean exactly. Has he been flirting with girls a lot, has he become physical with girls etc…?

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    This Article Just Clearly Showed Me – What kind of Lubavitchers Read this “stuff”. Ones who live in a completely different reality than I do and the Lubavitchers I know. Close minded much?
    Glad it works for Y’all though.
    But seriously — what makes The author and expert????

    NUMBER16 IS SOO RIGHT!
    Guest
    NUMBER16 IS SOO RIGHT!

    took the words out of my mouth

    to #16
    Guest
    to #16

    why????? WHY?!?!?
    Why is it important to start goin on and on with the names? BH someone spoke up…now you have to make them feel like…?!?

    to 17
    Guest
    to 17

    Just a check into reality, if you don’t think that EVERY 770 Bochur has e-mail, and uses the internet (albeit mainly for Kodesh only – keeping in contact with Shlichus year, and so on) you MUST check into this reality fast you are gonna be in for a real surprise…!

    A 770 Bochur! (and “considered” a very good one at that!)

    Rather harsh
    Guest
    Rather harsh

    Isn’t #16 being rather harsh? Not all people who are ‘chilled’ are bad people who purposely and spitefully ruin all love-desperate girls. I think a little reality check would be helpful.

    Montgomery St
    Guest
    Montgomery St

    I think you’ve got. it! 99,99% of the world has got it all wrong. A yasha koicach is forthcoming for transforming the most exciting part of a young persons life into one of fear, apprenhesion and doubt.

    to # 16 and 22
    Guest
    to # 16 and 22

    you are both assuming way too much
    you are making filth of something that was not that
    even though it is NOT the way
    it is not like what you think
    note: you see who you are – what are your deep dark thoughts – get to know yourself a little – may surprise yourselves.

    to the person who said why is a 770 bochur on line?
    naive – who cannot be on line in today’s world – wake up

    To # 16
    Guest
    To # 16

    Please don’t scream at us, it’s is very bad manors. It also makes us not want to hear what you have to say. Also, you are making outrageous claims to think that someone who has had social contact with other human beings has “TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,DEGRADED AND WOMANIZED” (your sound like a shadchan I know in the Midwest)… You might live in a bubble but many of us live in the real world that is approximately 50% of the opposite gender and therefore unless you choose a lifestyle that completely isolates you from the opposite gender (as in extremely… Read more »

    A Message from G-d to #6
    Guest
    A Message from G-d to #6

    Where do you get this idea that what the author is talking about is wrong and that “it’s against what G-d wants” G-d did not say though shalt not talk to girls. Please do not preach that what is a chumrah or a minhag etc (I know y’all might differ with that) is what G-d Said.

    Yaakov Avinu and Moshe Rabeinu both met their wives on their own and did not have a Shadchan if what they did was against G-d then we got a problem with your Religion.

    #16 KOL HAKAVOD!
    Guest
    #16 KOL HAKAVOD!
    LOL to #16
    Guest
    LOL to #16

    to #16 – Takes one to know one…

    TO: #21 =NATURAL CONSEQUENCE
    Guest
    TO: #21 =NATURAL CONSEQUENCE

    this is soo true!!

    TO # 16
    Guest
    TO # 16

    give me a break,
    girls have just as much of a desire as the guy does
    and we are not! thier prey
    we choose to get ourselves into it and therefore we get hurt
    take responsibility for your actions,

    – from a girl who has been around the block

    #16 unfortunately is right for being outraged!
    Guest
    #16 unfortunately is right for being outraged!

    the damage these girls suffer bec of these sweet-talkers is feeling degraded and tricked, as well as haunting guilt and regret!
    especially how such cheep thrills impact the pure love and clossesness with their own husband in the future!

    a life long sentance of marital disconnect, all bec of spending her purity and intimacy prematurely,

    instead of letting it build and compound when saved for a first love in marriage!!

    so considering the selfishness and resulting damage, the “OUTRAGE” is well placed!

    # 21
    Guest
    # 21

    you hit it right on the nail!

    To #27
    Guest
    To #27

    “uses the internet (albeit mainly for Kodesh only – keeping in contact with Shlichus year, and so on)”

    Can’t be both dude… its either mainly for Kodesh or only for Kodesh!

    To #37
    Guest
    To #37

    Why does “contact with girls” mean to you “sweet talking jerk”?

    TO # 37
    Guest
    TO # 37

    i agree with #40
    you must have come in to contact with the wrong guys
    because not all of them out there are as bad as you make them seem
    just remember to recognize your needs as much as theirs
    and you will come to see that
    the girls are to blame just as much as the men involved.
    and im talking from experience
    oh, and im a girl
    shocker!

    to #14
    Guest
    to #14

    there are wayyyy to many nutcrackers out there like u, who wont settle for a drop less! Go live in utopia – where your dream princess kallah is waiting!!!
    you are definitely not an average 770- bochur!
    the average bochur has a lot more sechel than you!! and if ch’v you are then im really scared to meet the underaveraged type of guy!

    to #16 and allies
    Guest
    to #16 and allies

    it takes two to tango, farshtaist?

    rebut to #44
    Guest
    rebut to #44

    in most cases “derech ho-ish, lachazor achar ho-isha” vdal

    btw
    the boys know that they are playing on the girls weaknesses
    the girls often believe that the words are proof of REAL genuine love concern etc! they fool themselves out of desperation! nebach nebach!

    to # 43
    Guest
    to # 43

    your comment is so wrong on many different levels…possibly the intertwining of that phrase and it’s connotations, followed by the yiddish phrase…but i like it..:)
    and yes so true. and girls have got to get a grip..

    to #31
    Guest
    to #31

    how do u know that #16 was screaming??

    to #45
    Guest
    to #45

    girls have to get a grip?? oh my !! you have it all wrong!

    #14 wrote
    I am your average 770 bocher, considered a good bocher etc. from a good family and everythihg.
    still I expect to be excited about my future wife, i am totally expecting it to be everything that i imagined and not a bit less.
    i wont settle for what sounds good on paper.

    and youre blaming the girls??

    to #16
    Guest
    to #16

    it takes one to know one
    and in that case you should try to help
    these guys instead of knocking them

    TO # 47
    Guest
    TO # 47

    how is it that i have it all wrong?
    explain yourself.

    How do you know it is right?
    Guest
    How do you know it is right?

    Answer : Go out again until your sure either way (or until you get dumped). Also take the time to think between dates ie try to spread them apart. Think with you mind not only with your hart. Look for someone normal later you will see the greateness as you give to each other. Ask experts and loved ones.
    B’Hatzlocha,
    Married 13 years and growing

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