4 True (and Short) Stories on Shidduchim

By Toby Lieder for COLlive.com

1. It’s All In the Timing

He got the call from his mom in Israel. It was ‘The Call’. “Nu shoin, Yankele, you turned 20 a half a year ago, it’s time to go to the shadchan and find yourself a wife, you’re getting old!”

There was one famous shadchan in Crown Heights at the time, whom my husband called.

As he finished introducing himself and explained what he is looking for in a wife, the shadchan said in his warm yet promising words, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

Just as the ink was drying in the shadchan’s little black book, his phone rang. It was my father, Rabbi Yossi Goldstein. (Creator of the song ‘Hashem Is Here’, fondly known as Uncle Yossi, back then in the 70’s.)

“Sholom to you and everyone!”, he started the conversation in his singing monotone voice. “Maybe you have a nice good boy for my daughter Toby.”

The shadchan replied at the wonderment of the Hashgocha Protis and said, “Rabbi Goldstein, have I got a gem for you!”

And the rest is history!

Hashem in His goodness, (as my dear father always taught me all my life), is Kulo Tov. Hashem is only good! Whatever Hashem does is all for the good. It was all planned by Hashem of course that both names should come to the shadchan at the exact same time to make this happen!

That was 43 years ago!

Timing is everything! Hashem in His wonderous ways has it all worked out to the last drop!

Just know that the TIME for everyone’s shidduch is destined to be at the exact moment when Hashem decides it to be. Not one moment earlier or later. Like a baby is born at the precise time it is meant to enter this world! Not one second quicker or later. It is all truly in Hashem’s hands as He is the master of the absolute best TIME for ones shidduch to happen.

All we need to do is one thing: Faith! Real Emunah, believe that Hashem will come up with goods, and he absolutely will, at the right time!

2. A Two Week Break

One of my 9 daughters had 2 weeks in between 2 summer camp experiences where she was a head-counselor. A camp in Holland and a camp in Russia. After realizing that Israel is just a stone’s throw away from both places, she decided to make a 2-week stopover in Israel. Equipped with just a backpack and her camp denim skirt, she flies into Israel at a last-minute decision.

Staying at her uncle’s house in Lod, she attended the bris of their first grandson, that very same morning. The timing and the ways of Hashem is so awesome, beyond incredible!

The phone rings in our home in Australia. It’s the uncle from Lod. His neighbor spotted the new girl with a backpack at the bris and asked if he thought she’d be a good match for their son. She
only had a 2-week break, remember?

“But he doesn’t speak a word of English! How can we communicate?” she cried out to me on from the other side of the ocean! I said, “Your father and I also spoke two different languages, and that’s why we got along so well, it’s only a good thing!” I tried persuading her, “You will know if he is right for you after one date, what have you got to lose?” You never know the ways (plan) of Hashem.

After dating the 2 weeks and deciding this was indeed the prince on a white horse (all the way from Lod) they had their L’chayim the last night of her 2 weeks stay in Israel!

The magnificent ways of Hashem! Hashem managed to get her over to Holland first, then give her the two-week break, allowing her to choose to go Israel, because it was her time to meet her Bashert! Hashem has it all worked out precisely.

Let’s trust in Hashem and watch miracles happen when we do! Hashem created the big awesome world and actually thinks and cares about each of us too! Everybody gets their time! It will definitely come! Just trust.

3. The Interrupted Interview

Since I interview singles by appointment (which takes up to two hours by asking lots of questions while getting to know them well), I am pretty booked out most mornings.

It is in the afternoons (in Australia) when the rest of the world is sleeping that I actually see who to match up with whom as Hashem gives me all the ideas. I couldn’t have asked for a better boss. We are partners indeed! Hashem looks around and says, “Who’s busy at their computer, I need this couple to get engaged…Oh! Toby, you’re busy doing Shidduchim, here’s an idea…”

And bingo, an idea just comes into my head. (That gut feeling I always refer to, is from Hashem, of course!) I feel so honored and privileged.

On one such occasion, while interviewing this person, a woman was very persistent and didn’t stop calling me. I texted her that I’ll call her back as soon as I finished this girl’s interview. After speaking to this woman, and arranging an appointment for her son, we discovered they live literally around the corner from the girl I had just interviewed.

When I read her her 5 deal-breakers (her list of the 5 most important values she is seeking for a spouse) the woman burst into tears of emotion and said, “OMG, this is exactly my son!”

I actually interviewed her son the next day, to verify if this was indeed a match, and sure enough, it fit like a glove! They were an exact match to the tee. Every single value and word matched up exactly. She explained that she’s been meaning to call me for the past few months but hesitated because living out of town, and thinking about the travel challenges today, she kept putting the call off and thought one day she will get to it.

And lo and behold! She suddenly chooses the exact time that I was interviewing this girl that was the actual perfect match for her son!

You see how it was all in the timing. Hashem had it all worked out!

And the rest is history!

What a delightful job to be working as partners with Hashem, witnessing the hands of Hashem so openly and miraculously each and every day.

Hashem really has a plan for each and every single wanting a shidduch. Hashem will let you know when the time is absolutely just ripe.

Hashem says, “You give me a finger I will give you a hand.”

We are still required nonetheless to do the actual leg work, which means B’derech Hateva, (the natural way). Call a shadchan you trust that will be loyal to you and want the best for you. Send out a gentle monthly reminder to friends and family asking them to have your single in mind. Give extra tzedakah each day.

Say an extra Tehilim for someone else that needs a shidduch, Hashem will answer your prayers first. (Available below is a complimentary shidduch tips booklet)

4. Second Chances

He was from Florida and she from Long Island. They agreed that he would travel to meet her in her hometown. It suited them both since they didn’t like the zoom dating idea anyway.
He, being an intellect, spent all his energy trying to impress her with his vast worldliness sharing his broad knowledge from corona to politics including chassidus.

She, on the other hand, was emotionally driven, and felt there was no eye contact at all, or any acknowledgment of emotion whatsoever! Any feelings that she brought up in discussion, he easily dismissed, by analyzing it and showing her how and why it could have played out differently.

He was totally not in sync with her. She understood that they were an absolute mismatch from the first five minutes they met. She couldn’t wait to get back home. She felt bad though since he had come all the way from Florida, just to meet her. “How could this have been overlooked?”, she thought to herself. “How did the shadchan not see that we are two extreme opposites?”

Puzzled at the shadchan’s intentions, or oversight, she thought to herself, “What on earth was the shadchan thinking?” and even more frustrating was her infuriating question, “Why do I keep getting set up with the wrong guys?”

She called me frantically and explained her dilemma. “Toby! I was set up with the wrong guy, again! He is the opposite of everything I am looking for! He is absolutely not emotional and goes blank when I share any mention of an emotional feeling. But I feel terrible not to go out again, since the shadchan told me he came especially for me. Do I must force myself to go out again?” She cried in frustration, as you can sense the stress and confusion in her voice. I said, “I hear you. Please give me his number, let me talk to him.”

Being a Dating Coach, I get these calls quite often. Especially if I had interviewed one of the singles that are presently dating, and need my support, they know they can call on me any time for any counsel, encouragement or advice whatsoever.

I managed to convince the girl from Long Island to go on a second date (since we just need to get past that first awkward date, to get to the real start of it, if you know what I mean).

I spoke to the intellectual boy from Florida and asked him how the date was for him. He said it was ok and he looked forward to the next date.

I said, “I am calling you because I am very closely connected to the girl you are dating, and I want to offer you if you want any extra information about what her 5 deal-breakers are. (With her permission, of course.)”

You see sometimes, we need a little outside input, guidance and support, showing us possibilities that we may not have thought of ourselves. “I’d love to hear her deal-breakers, it would do us both a great service!” The boy from Florida told me excitedly.

Since I didn’t interview him, I couldn’t share his with her. Nevertheless, I explained to him that the girl you are dating has selected as her number one, the most important quality she is seeking for herself in a spouse, more than anything else in the world, is that he has (what we call in modern English today) E.I., Emotional Intelligence. She needs someone that is in tune to her emotional side. Someone that will feel what she feels and get into her world of emotion and feelings. When she speaks, he should be in sync with her thoughts and feelings. He sheepishly asked me, “How can I do that, what do you suggest?”

I replied, “Here are 3 easy steps to remember, and with any girl that is, you can maximize your chance of winning over her heart, by practicing these three easy tips.”

1. GREAT LISTENER: Pay attention, listening with no agendas or opinions at all, until it is your turn to share. Just listen and really pay attention to every word she is sharing. There is no greater gift we can give a girl, then being a good listener/communicator. Do not interrupt her even once. Just lend her your ears and watch what can happen!

2. GENUINE: Whatever she says, please repeat it back to her in your own words and be extremely authentic about it. Feel what she is sharing with you, get into her shoes. Try to be in sync with her emotions and feelings, without insisting on sharing yours, at that moment. (You will get your turn soon).

3. ACKNOWLEDGE: Her feelings so she gets that you understood her. She wants that safety and security that you will have her back, no matter what. That you are going to be there for her, always. By really paying attention to her, she will receive that sense of security, every girl I know so badly desires!

Only after she finished sharing, and she feels you truly listened to and completely understood, you can ask her some curious questions in order to understand her better.

Once I explained these three steps to the Florida guy, and he implemented what I shared were her absolute highest value in a spouse, the second date was a completely different date, like the difference of night and day!

“I truly got to know her so much better using the tips you gave me!”, he said excitedly, waiting to hear her feedback for another date.

The girl from Long Island said to me in amazement, “Toby! What have you done?” she asked.

“It was like I was meeting a new guy for the first time! We spent 6 hours and couldn’t get enough time with each other! The time flew so fast! He is everything I always wanted! He is so emotionally in tune with everything I felt and shared. We can’t wait for the next date!”

And the rest is history!.. They are happily married today!

What happened here was that these two neshomas were meant to be with each other. Hashem orchestrated them to meet up because they really belong to each other. Sometimes on the first date it just doesn’t click right away. That’s pretty normal. I call it the awkward date we need to get past in order to really start dating. I always insist and advocate for a second date no matter what!

Sometimes it takes a dating coach, or a good friend to try to see if there is actual potential there. An outsider may see the potential in the shidduch that no one else can see. I call it a spark, a little flicker. If there is just even a small flicker of potential, and it is not an absolute no, then we can actually make that difference of helping a match come together. By encouraging just one more date, you never know. These two neshomas were meant to be together. Imagine if we didn’t step in, and just went along with her reasoning that he is so blank and unemotional, what would have transpired.

Hashem in His plan, got me involved to help the boy from Florida see what the girl really needed, and because he changed gears and stopped wearing the intellectual hat, and realized he can now wear his emotional hat, did he succeed in ‘clicking’ with her! It was inside him the whole time waiting for it to be triggered. All that was needed was an awareness that brought out that potential that was inside him the whole time.

And the rest is history!

P.S. Message to all parents, singles, and dear fellow Shadchonim: Please give every date the fullest chance possible before declaring it ‘unfit’, or ‘not shayich’. When in doubt, always ask the single, “Is there a small little spark? Even a flicker?” I encourage singles to date till you absolutely cannot. You have no idea how many successful shidduchim happened because the chance was given with a lot of patience and time. Don’t throw in the towel too soon. You never know…

Click here to download a complimentary copy of Breaking the Shidduch Code