By COLlive reporter
Over 200 people listened from the comfort and anonymity of their own homes to Lisa Twerski speak about “How you can help a loved one in abusive marriage”.
Twerski, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), spoke with ‘Nechama’ and ‘Yisroel’ about their arduous experience of helping their sister ‘Rivky’ through her ordeal.
“We are grateful to Nechama and Yisroel for taking their family’s pain and being part of bringing support and healing to others,” said Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad who co-sponsored the event with Crown Heights Jewish Community Council and Shalom Taskforce.
“This is a dynamic partnership of organizations with goals to really make a dent in the areas of domestic abuse in the Crown Heights Community, and beyond,” she added.
The call is part of a series of workshops and education organized by the Crown Heights Jewish Community Council under a grant by the New York City Council Domestic Violence Initiative awarded by Council Member Matthieu Eugene.
Some snippets from the many important points Lisa presented during the talk:
1. Confer with professional for guidance
At the point that family or friends realize that they must step into help, it is the time to confer with a professional for guidance about the particulars of that situation: Should they push, or might she pull away? If they respect her choice to be isolated, then will she also feel that we don’t care? Give an ultimatum, or will she isolate herself from her support and then what will happen to the kids? What’s the proper balance? What to do and what not to do.
While you may want to jump in and help as soon as you hear about what is happening to her, it is worth waiting just a bit more to get the proper guidance and do it right the first time.
2. When the abused tells one person and swears her to secrecy – don’t keep that secret
There are times when the one in trouble doesn’t tell anyone. But oftentimes, she does tell one person and swears her to secrecy. Lisa states that this is not a secret to keep; there are certain secrets we are not obligated to keep. Reach out to someone – a professional, Shalom Taskforce. Isolation and secrecy is what allows abuse to fester.
3. Maintain relationship with her even though she doesn’t want to talk to you
Always be there to support her. Do not allow for her to be isolated or alone; that’s how the abuse can grow. Even if it is so frustrating to see her deny or make excuses for his behavior. Even if she goes back to him. No matter how uncomforting, frustrating and stressful it is for you. Even if you can’t stand to be around her abuser. Never make ultimatums, it’s too risky to your relationship with her. Get support if you need it. But be there!
4. Why does she complain and then say “It’s really not so bad”
The ambivalence and mixed feelings about her situation is overwhelming. She might prefer to be in the horrible situation rather than have to make a change or a demand. So she’ll dump all her stories on someone else, and feel somewhat relieved and say “It’s really not so bad”, and leave the other with the burden. It’s one’s impulse to want to help her and agree “It’s so horrible,” and take her feelings for her.
Don’t take away her ambivalence, leave her with it; it is what will eventually help her see what it is really happening. You might say, “That’s not OK. I couldn’t live that way.” “I don’t know how you do it, if it’s not so bad for you, well then …” The point is that she must own her feelings in order to do something different than what she’s been doing until this point.
It’s not a fast process. And it might be very difficult for you. But know, it is the best process to get her to a place where she realizes that she must do something. Get the support to help you not take the bait.
AUDIO: Hear the full conference call – Download
It’s detrimental to children to live in an abusive environment.
Wether it’s physical or emotional.
Like Lisa Twerski pointed out some people prefer “being mistreated to being alone” but it’s a choice you cannot make for your children who will grow up not knowing what a real relationship looks like & will end up in abusive marriages themselves because it’s familiar.
Abused spouses are not staying for their children. The children grown up resenting the abused parent far more than the abuser .
Devora Krasnianski, organizer of the above event and other such programming, here. IY”H on March 15, we will have another conference call with Lisa Twerski, entitled
Men as Victims of Domestic Abuse: How we Define the Term and Why it Matters.
http://www.adaiad.org/men-as-victims
If you have any questions you would like to be included in the discussion, please email [email protected] or http://www.adaiad.org/ask-anonymous-question
If I had to sum up the difference between a dysfunctional and abusive marriage it is FEAR. Is the wife/husband AFRAID of the other? If she is ANNOYED or UPSET or DEMEANED by his behaviors, then it might be dysfunctional, and if he is willing to put in the work to learn HOW she feels respected and valued, then the marriage is salvageable. If she is truly AFRAID, then it is ABUSE, and quite probably a very bad situation to remain in.
The nekuda of the letter from the Rebbe was not that there’s,no hope to save the marriage…the exact opposite…by looking into the issue, recognizing what is going on, there is a way to fix it
In a regular situation it “takes two to tango”, not when it comes to an abusive marriage. The abuser uses this line to convince the victim that they are at fault for the abuse that is happening, and the victim goes on believing that it’s their fault and work harder and harder to save the marriage. The problems is they are the only ones doing the work and the abuser is using this to his (or her) advantage to keep the victim confused and in the marriage. it’s where only one party is doing all the work and the other… Read more »
Who Mrs Twerski clients are , are irrelevant, the fact that the Perception that abuse in a marriage is the domain of the husband is what I have a problem with,,,, this lady should be responsible and be very careful how she chooses her words because the way this article was written it’s the husband the abuser and the wife the sbused one ,,,,, I would not be surprised one iota to learn that there are statistics to show that there is at least half if not more abuse being done by the wives ,,, then again , we are… Read more »
Theres mental/ emotional abuse where the victim is played around with playing metal games, being controlled and isolated by the abuser from the victims family and friends. Then theres physical abuse which draws the line between something that can be fixed and its time to pack up and move out. It doesnt matter if the physical abuse and threat to safety only happens 10 or 5 or 3 or 1% of the time. when one is physically attacked the marriage is over. Usually one can look at the parents of the abuser to figure out whats going on. Hashem Yerachem… Read more »
I can’t post a snap shot of the whole letter and typing out the whole letter would take too long. Here’s an excerpt from the letter (your welcome to look up the rest): “I am confident that your awareness of the importance of helping the battered and also seeing the benefits that it brings to these tragically effected women and children, makes it easier to overcome whatever difficulties you may encounter”. An abused woman does not “feel abused” as u write, hence the name of Lisa twersky book “I’m so confused am I being abused”. She is in danger and… Read more »
Shidduchim are made b. Gd and Gd never makes mistakes.
People use bichura to make mistakes and people can use bichura to fix things but bichura can only be guided by Torah
I saw in many places the Rebbe referred to a spouse as “a gift from the Abeishter”… In many other places I saw the Rebbe encouraging spouses that misbehave to redecorate themselves to Torah and mitzvah observance…a person who follows Torah and the advice of a mashpia can always learn to be a proper spouse
The important thing to,KNOW is that every spouse is Divenly perfect for the other person, sometimes Torah guidance is missing
That letter refers to Yiddishkeit for all The letter does not show the Rebbe supported the concept of feeling abused…the opposite…the Rebbe encouraged people, especially the women to turn to Torah for support and answers…secular society wants people to think they are victims and that there are “enemies” out there that we have to fight…The Rebbe said not even the Yetzer is an emeny, because deep down he wants you to pass the test…a spouse makes mistakes and issues need to be worked on but a spouse is not given to someone by the Abeishter as a means to torture… Read more »
may I suggest u read Lisa twerskys book “I’m so confused am I being abused” where she explains and defines domestic abuse. If one didn’t go through it, have someone close to them going through it, and didn’t educated themselves on it – they won’t have any idea that such a phenomenon exists. A regular normal person (even if not a good person) can not comprehend or relate to the concept of abuse. There are a lot of misconceptions about what abuse is or isn’t. As they say “you only know what u know…” I strongly suggest that u educate… Read more »
There is a letter from the rebbe dated 5 Tammuz 5744, where the rebbe is writing to a frum “battered women’s shelter” (not homeless shelter), in support and with hadracha (about what type of kosher food to serve etc). This letter can be found in one of the blue books of the rebbes advise on diff issues (I forgot the name…). The rebbe deff supported victims of domestic abuse!!
There are both male and female abusers. Lisa twersky addressed that in her other talks (and I believe in her book as well). She says that because her line of work and the clients she sees are women, she calls the victim “she” and abuser “he”.
What goes on in private can be so shocking. Aside from real emotional abuse and chaos inflicted on many men by their wives, I know of men stabbed, hit, and even lit on fire by women that look nice. These abused fellows are upstanding, frum, and in some case that I know prominent people and for a multitude of reasons the whistle is never blown on the women. This a sad and hidden reality.
In general, The Rebbe never encouraged people to seem themselves as “victims” (ie the famous speech from R.Jonathan Sachs at the Linus a few years ago). It takes two to tango and in general we have the power to make our situations better through all the inyonim. The words “abuse” “controlling” “violent”… are used too often these days as a way to get out of doing a lot of hard work, hard work that people did in past generations to make marriages last and that is why the d word was nearly unheard of only 50 years ago in the… Read more »
What is your point?
The Rebbe was the biggest advocate for women.
Don’t mix Rebbe into awareness and education.
You are only distracting.
The Rebbe told couples to get professional help.
Can we have examples of abuse tht one should get away from? Im not talking of physical abuse where its obvious. But who is too judge if one shouodnt stay in the marrisge bec of the kids,there r so many levels of verbal abuse and other issues as well ,is getting divorced t the best alternative? I dont think so. The parent of your kids is still in your life and is still the parent of your kids so u r anyways going to cont being upset from the abuser.
Please share what you know the Rebbe said about such behaviors by a spouse.
saying battered women and children living in homeless shelters needs much senitivey, this is not so simple, but l am glad that there’s a start
Is this the Rebbe’s approach to abuse?
Did the Rebbe even use the word abuse? Ever?
Thank You for speaking up for us
It would of been correct to see that when talking about
Abuse in marriage that the speaker in question and the author
Of the op ed piece would of mention “HIM” as well as her
There are two people in a marriage and make no mistake
About it plenty of “. Husbands” are abused as well !
Thank you