Your Wife Isn’t ‘Borderline’ (and Your Husband Isn’t a Narcissist)

By Rabbi Pinney Herman, M.Ed.

“Pinney, I was talking to my friend about my marriage, and he told me to Google “Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)”. I think my wife has it. It explains everything about our relationship.”

“Pinney, my husband is a narcissist. He is so controlling. Everything is about him and what he wants. He never takes me into account. My friend told me to Google “Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)” and he is a match!”

While your diagnosis might be correct (disclaimer-I am not trained to diagnose these disorders, then again, neither are you), other possibilities are more likely the cause of the BPD, NPD, or other disorder symptoms you are noticing.

In a word, you and/or your spouse may be suffering from disconnection. When a spouse feels disconnected in their relationship, the reactions can be quite pronounced in various ways. What is actually happening is that the spouse is protesting the state of the relationship. “I did not sign up for this! I envisioned a close and connected relationship, and we don’t have it!”

One way of communicating this is the unhelpful Pursuer/Tiger method, where Sarah gets agitated and loud. She might blame or shame her husband, Avraham, who then diagnoses her with Borderline.

Avraham might respond with the unhelpful Withdrawer/Turtle method, where he ducks and covers until the storm hopefully subsides. The more Avraham withdraws, the more Sarah pursues. The more she pursues, the more he withdraws, and the cycle continues. Avraham may decide that since he can never get anything right, he must take matters into his own hands and begin to control situations.

This prompts Sarah, who is just looking for a connection with her husband (albeit in a very unhelpful way), to view him as a narcissist. So much of this “dance” could have been avoided had the couple learned some basic relationship tools for marriage.

While there are people with BPD or NPD, it is a relatively small percentage of the population. Avraham and Sarah are not in that cohort, even though their behavior appears to be so. They are frustrated, disconnected, and sad because they did not achieve the relationship they envisioned. However, we sometimes tend to pathologize behaviors that are actually quite natural (although unhelpful) and mislabel them as disorders. As the Yiddish saying goes, “If it hurts we scream.” Sarah is hurt, so, naturally, she screams. The result will be the exact opposite of what she wants, because if Avraham placates her, it’s not a real relationship; it’s walking on eggshells. Avraham does not appreciate being screamed at, so naturally, he withdraws and tries to exert control over an uncontrollable situation.

I am sure that some of you who are reading this are thinking, “If he only knew my husband/wife, he would know that they have BPD/NPD (or any other part of the alphabet soup)”. You may be right, but you may be wrong. It may be a sincere cry of frustration and devastation for hopes and dreams of a marriage that did not materialize (yet!).

As we approach Yud Daled Kislev, we have an opportunity to take the temperature of our marriage (or other relationships, for that matter) and consider what we can do to make it stronger, healthier, and more connected. Furthermore, the Gemara teaches that a prisoner cannot free himself. There is no shame in reaching out and asking someone for help. It is actually a sign of maturity and strength.

May our Ahavas Yisroel start at home, create Geulah in our personal lives, so that we can experience the ultimate Geulah!

Rabbi Pinney Herman, M.Ed. served as a Rabbi/Shaliach in Raleigh, NC for over 30 years. He and his wife, Helana, have lectured throughout the US and Canada on marriage, Mikvah, and a variety of Jewish topics. They are both certified Imago Marriage Educators and Somatic Practitioners who work with clients in person and over zoom. Periodically, they lead marriage workshops for couples and singles. Rabbi Pinney is available for counseling men and couples as he completes the process of earning his Florida Counseling License. He can be reached at [email protected]