With Eating Disorders, Families Suffer Too

By Devorah Kamman, MSN, PMHNP

As an eating disorders specialist in a partial hospitalization program in Connecticut, I was assigned to work with young individuals, mostly in their teens and twenties. Early into this work, however, it became apparent that I was not working with individuals. I was working with families.

One of my beloved psychiatric supervisors used to say, “We are not the mental health system,” referring to psychiatric treatment settings. “We are the mental illness systems.” Then she would conclude, “The family is the mental health system.”

Truly, no matter how great the quality of treatment that young people receive in a therapy session or in out-of-home program, ultimately they are coming home to their families. And yet as a provider, I had no paid time blocked off in my schedule to work with parents. Dashing between individual and group sessions, I would squeeze in phone calls to parents. Many of these parents were managing crises in the family system, the child with a diagnosed eating disorder being just one of these challenges. And often, the phone calls were made even more frantic by the time pressures on both ends.

In brainstorming with community leaders about how we, as providers and parents, can make a bigger impact on improving the peace of mind, mental health and well being of those in our community, it seemed appropriate to shed a spotlight on the parents. This article is dedicated to all of us as parents, especially those parents whose children are struggling with psychological, emotional and spiritual pain. While it may sometimes be impossible for us to fix our childrens’ problems, it is always possible for us to face these problems with our children, together, with more presence of mind and heart than we may have brought to these hardships in the past.

Firstly, I invite us as parents to loosen the urge to fix problems as quickly as possible. While it is important to solve problems, focusing on solving a problem can actually keep the problem more salient in our minds. Instead, let’s cultivate an attitude of curiosity about the problem: Is this problem actually a solution to some other problem in our child’s lives? What are the underlying conflicts? When did this problem start? What was it a response to? Can we appreciate the way in which this problem helps our child, even if we wish they were utilizing different strategies or making different choices?

In the spirit of becoming curious, we may let go of the “pressure” to be our children’s caregivers and instead partner with well-equipped and talented professionals. By working with professionals that we trust, we can empower ourselves to do our own job well: to be present as parents, and parents first. By prioritizing being a parent rather than a problem solver, we can free up mental and emotional energy to remain present in mind, body, and spirit with our children. Being present as a parent requires us to care for ourselves in body and mind so that when crisis comes our way, we have the tools and internal resources to remain present and calm.

Eli Harwood, MA suggests some phrases that may be useful to parents when communicating with children in pain.

“It is not your job to make me happy. It’s your job to figure out who you are and to be true to that.” Our children are not extensions of ourselves. They are their own human beings, and we have been privileged to give them life. It is the sign of successful, not failed, parenting if our children find their own way in life, a way that may be different than our own.

“If you tell me that someone is hurting or scaring you, I will always believe, no matter who it is.” By aligning with our children, we are creating an atmosphere of trust. Even if we have doubt, we can hold this in mind while also providing unconditional willingness to lean into our children’s perspective. We will only gain by suspending disbelief, letting go of the “other side of the story,” and truly hearing their perspective without playing devil’s advocate or questioning their experience. Once we assimilate their perspective in an open-minded and open-hearted way, we are in a better position to see the path forward more clearly.

“You don’t owe me anything. I brought you into this world and the joy of being your parents has given me more than I could ever have imagined.” Truly, our children’s job is not to please us. We have already been given the greatest gift by becoming their parents. If we can do our own internal work to truly let go of our expectations for our children and to be proud of their own aspirations for themselves, we can truly align in building their lives together.

“There is not a single thing in life that we can’t figure out together.” Your confidence in your child is healing in and of itself. Even if you are faced with a situation that leaves you bewildered, it is healing to be present with confidence in the moment and then later to gather the resources and partnerships you need to gain clarity on your own time.

“You can ask or tell me anything. Literally. I will always be a safe space for weird, scary, or awkward conversations.” To live up to this statement, we must have our own safe spaces for support, our own process of internal work, and our own tools for self-reflection so that we can truly remain at ease in uncomfortable conversations. As we know, our children read who we are more than what we say. By working on ourselves, we can truly be holding where we say we are so that our body language, emotional tone, and energetic vibe match the verbal message of hope that we are extending to our impressionable young ones. There is no endeavor more worthwhile. As we look within to stand with our children with love, we are stringing together a chain of healing that we extend from parent to child. We are building up the next generation.

Those interested in connecting for empowerment with professional and peer support may benefit from our upcoming Parents’ Empowerment and Support group for parents of children with eating disorders. Limited spots are available, feel free to reach out at [email protected].