By Sarah Dukes
I feel betrayed by G-d. He didn’t keep his side of the deal. He didn’t fulfill His promise. The foundation and CORE of chassidic philosophy is that thinking good actually creates good, complete unwavering trust brings redemption, baseless love brings salvation.
I couldn’t believe that G-d would actually allow this to happen. Not after everything we have all done for Yudi, for the world. Not after all the beautiful pure prayers from children worldwide. Not after making something SO beyond nature (covid) end with something completely natural. Not after all the global unity and love we had. Not after the significant impact we have made in our lives, relationships, and the world.
We continue to learn that “G-d does not remain in debt”, but He has been. He is in SO much debt. He did not follow through on His side of the commitment.
As frightening as it was, we trusted Him in the DARKEST times (like He asks us to), but yet He let us fall.
This was not Yudi’s fight to fight alone. This was all of ours. And we were and ARE unbreakable.
I don’t know what happened…
I am now not only forced to grieve the loss of half of my soul and the most incredible, involved, loving, and gentle father to my children. I also need to grieve the perceived loss of loyalty G-d showed us.
I knew that if G-d allowed for anything to happen to Yudi, it would be beyond devastating not just for our family, but for the world. I would think about what I would want to write that would bring comfort and hope at a time where we feel that G-d let us down. To reassure that even though this is the darkest of the dark, G-d is still with us. He still hears us. But then I said, “No.” If G-d would allow something like that to happen after EVERYTHING we have done and accomplished during these last 10 months, I will NOT clean up His mess. He is on His own to find a way to comfort His people. I will stay silent.
I promised to stay silent, even though in the deepest part of my heart, I knew I wouldn’t.
Because this is what commitment is. Through my disillusionment, anger, and feelings of betrayal, I still show up for G-d. As much as I WANT to stay silent and detach from the relationship, I just can’t.
I will share it because I still believe it: Even though this is the darkest of the dark, G-d is still with us. He still hears us. Our prayers and deeds and thoughts and trust have STILL been accomplishing the impossible, even if we can’t see it YET. G-d is a merciful G-d and loves each of us like an only child. He WILL respond to us. He WILL answer us. He WILL repay his debt. We WILL see the blessings shower down upon us. We will see the good that G-d sees.
OUR JOURNEY IS NOT OVER!
Please continue praying for the lofty soul of my dear and beloved husband, Chaim Schneur Zalman Yehuda ben Aaron Leib, as well as strength and comfort for me and each of our 6 beautiful children. Hold us tight.
There is more I will write. There is more I want to share. But for now, I need to grieve…
A one million dollar campaign has been launched to help Sarah and her children, please donate what you can here:
https://www.charidy.com/dukes/COLlive
You have Bh many genuine copies of the JLI boss , all your beautiful children .
מה זרעו בחיים אף הוא בחיים
He started and headed JNet. (JLI is another, different wonderful organization, started and headed by someone else.)
Your letter is so raw and I understand some of your pain. Having just lost a loved one and going fully with the think good it will be good saying till the last breath I am filled with questions. I pray for you that Hashem does truly comfort you and your beautiful children as only he could. The rebbe writes through actions you will find comfort, amen! And I pray that this time enough is enough and as someone told me this is a temporary situation, may we be reunited with our loved ones very very soon!
Wow! I couldn’t have written it better myself! When I saw the news I said – NO this can’t be after EVERYTHING! NO! I can only give comfort: Hashem is watching over you, the rebbe is watching over you and your husband is watching over you. Your husband will beg hashem to comfort you in some way that we can’t see yet…we can’t see or understand hashems ways all the time but we must believe as much as he is with us all the time, as much as he loves us all the time so he only wants to good… Read more »
Never before have I read something so honest and emotionally raw. You have so poignantly described what any woman In your situation would be feeling but few would be able to articulate it
You are NOT alone. We are ALL your family now.
Know how much you and your family are loved.
I will continue to daven that Hashem give you and your precious children the menucha and strength to continue
Good shabbos
The only comfort i hope to share is that we need to demand and make a deal of it that we must must have moshiach now no more no more galous That is the only thing we need this second i am so so sorry for your loss but have no fear if we all look at the world hashem is showing us that moshiach is coming but in stages Rabbi Rubashkin said one second i was in jail and the next second i was out of jail it happens in a blink of an eye We this generation will… Read more »
Tanya igores hakodesh chapter yud alef , read it , live it
Dearest Sarah and Children, We know, from the stories about Rosh Hashana, that all good deeds and all bad deeds are weighed against each other on a scale. If the good deeds do not outweigh the non-kosher deeds, the Kedusha in our lives shall be outweighed by the treif. This is what we work to prevent, as a community. Many hearts ache. Please, look at the positive side of things. We are a Holy nation. Even though we hurt and grieve, Rabbi Yudi Dukes OBM was and shall be be remembered as a rabbi and member of the Torah-observant community.… Read more »
Please reach out for help their is help and love for you don’t give up.
Can collive help this young man connect to the right people.
We need all help each other.
I sign my name Yiddshe Mama.
Thank you, Sara, for having the courage to share your pain and feelings of betrayal!!! And thank you for saying that you’re not giving up on Hashem despite this. I’m not sure I could say that if I were Ch”V in your shoes!!! But if YOU can say it then perhaps I can too, and mean it.
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים
S
Hashem should you give strength to continue and we should very soon see the light at the end of this dark tunnel and be once again united with Yudi. You have expressed very well what so many of us feel.
If sarah would like, can a zoom menachum aveil for an hour be arranged so that women from around the world can comfort her?
So real. You’re an inspiration.
Yudi was a special guy, and I’m deeply saddened by his passing. Let’s not think too much about this, it’s just plain sad. We will never know G-d’s ways. We should not deny the feelings for any reason.
So well said, so well written. So honest, so true. Everything you wrote resonated. May Hashem pay back His debt, and a thousand fold, right now.
Dear Rebbetsin Dukes and children, your words are real, deep and very heartfelt. What can one say??? Please keep up your momentum and “ burn 🔥 away the Galus “ as the Friediker Rebbe said. Please don’t stop You are a true leader and role model in today’s highly turbulent world Now that Yudi ע״ה holy נשמה is in the highest place of Gan Eden, he can and will surely do his part. Once an activist- always a activist May Hashem bring you the biggest and main comfort of תחיית המתים so you will truly be reunited with Yudi. But… Read more »
The pain is so deep and real. But our bitachon is not the way we dictate to Hashem what He should do. The bitachon is for us. Our job is to accept what He gives us. And the good is not necessarily something we can see. It’s not tit for tat, and our bitachon is not conditional.
May Hashem give comfort and strength.