By Anonymous
There has been a serious question circling my mind for quite a while now and it originates from my personal life experience in recent years. While the subject is about my personal life, I truly think that it’s an experience shared by many people in our lives, that’s why I am choosing to write about it and share my experience.
I was born and raised as a secular Jew, and thanks to an entire whirlwind of events and experiences which I won’t mention here because they aren’t relevant to the subject of this article, I came to become a “normal” Lubavitcher within the community, loved, accepted and appreciated. I have continued on and been privileged enough to work with regular Lubavitcher Bochurim for the last few years in chinuch, and that itself is an article of its own.
Throughout my journey to be becoming frum, there were countless people, personalities and friends who all took part and helped me become who I am today, each individual adding tremendously throughout every step of the way. But as time passed and as I grew in my observance, there was always this unspoken, curious experience that I kept on being confronted with, it gradually became more and more intense and would cause me to feel a slight sting in the subconscious of my mind.
It was the consistent and burning feeling that I was being sidelined by those individuals who so tried to push me in the right direction. The Chevrusas, those phone calls between yomim tovim, the people who would smile and give me the biggest hugs when they would see me, the counselors at camp. So many people, so many smiling faces – but yet, something eventually changed. I can’t quite pinpoint this feeling, but it truly hurt me, at times I would think that maybe it wasn’t real. Or that maybe I wasn’t as important as they made me feel, maybe – just maybe – I was just part of this theatrical performance of “Mivtzoyim.”
I also have to say that I can’t say the issue is so clear-cut, because it simply isn’t. There are reasons that this happens, and people grow apart – people get married, people feel it isn’t their place to get involved, people just move on, and sometimes it just fizzles out.
While these issues are all valid, there is still a point that I want to bring across to the community, and this point is not only aimed at helping the Baalei Teshuva in our community, it also stands true for every Bochur, every Lubavitcher, every single human being.
Yes, Chassidus, the Rebbe etc. wants us to transform our surroundings to do mivtzoyim, to connect with others and to help others. But my question is – does connecting to another yid have an end date? Does it stop when they wear tzitzit or grow a beard or go to Yeshiva? Well, I believe the answer is “never.”
Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, maybe it’s too ambitious, but what if for a moment we recognized that it’s not another number on our list of tefillin, that it is not another reason to make yourself feel good, what if for a moment we came to the realization that we are creating real relationships with people, and maybe – just maybe – they could actually become your friend, mentor and so on? Or maybe we could just choose to sit on our high horse of morality?
I present this question to all of you: can you make space in your lives for them? for me? For your “mushpa?” I mean it in the most sincere way. Do you actually care?
I know this all may come off as “bitter” and so on, but I have personally made peace with this years ago and have found my real connections, and to tell you the truth, some of those people from the past did still connect with me, care about me and gave me tremendous strength in the hardest of times. And maybe you could say it’s a growing process, maybe it’s something we all have to experience, maybe rejection and or being sidelined propels you to be more independent or maybe it just ends up hurting the person who tricks themselves into believing that someone actually cares about them.
I’ll end with this: As I said at the start of this article, I b”h had the privilege to work with frum from birth Bochurim for the last little while, and I remember a unique earth-shattering experience for me. I was sitting and talking with one boy, and him turning to me after months of hard work and toil to build that relationship with him, he turns to me and says, “I never thought in all my years of schooling that someone would truly care for me and always be there for me no matter what happens.”
That’s when the ‘Eureka’ moment hit me. Maybe I can’t convince everyone to do what I am suggesting – but I’ll start with myself.
let’s all strive to make genuine connections – not numbers on a piece of paper.
Wow. Spot on…
I stopped getting as much attention as I used to so I’m complaining on a public platform
Why does a non frum person get more ‘attention’ from us than a shomer Torah and Mitzvos?
Not saying it’s right, but for the same reason, someone who is sick r’l, needs more attention from their parents then the healthy ones.
I write comments on COL for attention^ alternative comment?
Literally Sinas Chinam
Not everything one doesn’t like is sina or Chinam
Between BT and FFB will always be. As much as the ffb say one thing but will treat you differently. You are who you are. My strong resentment comes when BT lower themselves JUST to fit in to the FFB world. Why? Giving up all that value to be “like them?!” Some of them are not even who you think they are but cover it up. Some of them just use yiddishkeit as a mask and do unspoken things that you would never dream of. And some of them you actually feel, I’m being used just that they should make… Read more »
…the Rebbe did not do this subtle unspoken brush-off in which, clearly if they were to be honest, they’d say, “I am moving on to the next potential BT now.” EVERY Yid was eternally a diamond to the Rebbe, not a diamond this year and something to politely but clearly semi-ignore the next year. THAT “eternal diamond” attitude is the example the Rebbe set, which some heed and, as the author explains, many, unfortunately do not. Those who criticize the author’s point have not walked in the shoes of a BT who’s experienced this phenomenon! So please do not get… Read more »
You just said the magic words: the Rebbe. The Rebbe and his chassidim are 2 different things. If his chassidim would follow his example I wouldn’t have written my orginal comment. Like a shliach son told me “what connection does the avos have to do with me?! The avos did their thing and I’m doing my own thing.” You cant demand respect, you have to earn it.
to “The separation”: It’s not “unspoken” things — the correct word here is “unspeakable”. For a BT who is calling upon other BTs to stop trying to “fit in”, you certainly sound like a genuine graduate of Oholei Torah, at least as far as your command of the English language goes.
Read the sentence again. Such behavior may well be “unspeakable,” but the commenter was pretty clearly referring to something that is “unspoken.”
totally
Similar to the parent/child relationship- parents always (in normal familial relationships) care about their children, but as they grow, mature, move on in life, etc there is less day to day involvement. Maybe you are experiencing something of a similar nature. Did you reach out to your mekuravim and receive a cold shoulder? If yes, speak to them personally. I believe it’s more “busy w life” than a non caring attitude. Hatzlacha in all you do! Well written article. Good reminder, too.
It’s nice to compare it to the parent/child relationship. A more accurate comparison is to the commercialization of relationships. If you’re a salesperson, the heavy lifting is until the close, after that you do your best to keep your relationships warm. It’s a means to an end. If you see a person as a potential karkavta or selling yiddishkeit until the mikurov is self sufficient, than that’s a person’s own approach, not the approach of Lubavitch. The same can be said for the OP’s own tafkid: “I never thought in all my years of schooling that someone would truly care… Read more »
There was just an article a few weeks back about a bachur who regretted not keeping up with his FFB classmate from birth. This is less about you being a BT and more likely a reflection of life where more yet less meaningful friendships are created virtually as opposed to the real, hartzige in person relationships. Or at least via phone calls and not 160 charachter messages. Everyone is lonely nowadays. The solution is like u said- be the change you want to see by reaching out to others. The other solutionis to come move to east flatbush where we… Read more »
my wife asks the same questions and why is no one willing to take the time(besides me to help her learn with her support her? She expected more especially when first moving here and she is 100% right I have seen it myself. So what are your answers or is it alll rah rah yes but no real desire or actions will be taken?. Not everyone has the time the ability etc to go learn all day in Machon L’yahadus my wife is not in her 20’s or 30’s and works a real job during the day!
And im ffb
Women are left behind in this community.
Not all of us have the time to go learn Torah after a full work day, and not all of us have the privilege of going to shul every shabbos like the men.
There are lectures and classes available at night that discuss “women issues,” whatever that means, but shockingly enough there are some of us females who don’t find marriage and childbirth and childrearing fascinating.
Women are 50% of the Jewish population and 50% of this community, and yet we’re consistently neglected.
It being the land of the free and the home of the brave, there is nothing stopping you from making a lecture or speech about whatever topic does resonate with you.
What kind of support do you mean? Spiritual/ physical? There are many people happy to help
Its not personal. Its life.
The give and take of a relationship is supposed to evolve, as you move through different ages and stages.
Sounds like ur missing the point here and just trying to bury the emotion behind this article.
The Reality is , we all receive more when giving, that is how H”B created nature The people we deal with on many different levels/stages thru our lives are a reflection of our own actions Yes life is challenging but individually we are all carrying our own divine light, we are given the full control of this power and it comes from a universal source which we all share and have in common. Very unique/delicate in many ways extremely sensitive but amazingly powerful We are all here in this world on an individual and very precise mission but share on… Read more »
Bh
Rev moule azimov was once asked about his secret to his great success of turning over France.
He answered that the rebbe told him not to leave his mekurovim alone in the sea and he kept being there for them even as they were taking their grandchildren to the chuppah
First time reading a COL article that feels like it’s being written with a truly humble perspective. It does feel like that condescending approach is very often by chabad people who consider themselves better because of their yichus, and that has nothing to do with you because that’s how they feel about everyone else in general.
Great food for thought for every Lubavitcher and shliach out there. Stay humble.
Such a typical response, maybe jealousy
Hope one day you grow up
This is not a healthy approach specially after the holidays
Will make a MiShebeirach for you quick recovery
A little off topic- I’ve noticed how my classmates were literally nicer to the non frum ones than the chabad ones. Rude
It is also possible that *you* have changed, and now see things a little more clearly. As a fellow BT I don’t have to tell you that in the beginning there is certain aura of mystery surrounding anyone and anything Jewish, which we tend to explain as an actual real thing we are about to become part of. That is a phase, nostalgia notwithstanding. In any case, much hatzlocha in your journey, which never ends.
“Those who criticize the author’s point have not walked in the shoes of a BT who’s experienced this phenomenon!” This is a very real thing! The author is not on a cop-out here and blaming the lifers who suddenly grow cool to newish BTs after a while! The defensiveness and deflecting here is very sad. It’s like a doctor dismissively saying “It’s all in your head,” when something is actually seriously wrong in the patient’s health! It is kind of a form of gaslighting, or at least denial/minimizing many people’s experience. I guess it’s hard for some to accept that… Read more »
I was adding, not subtracting from what the author said. BT experience is very unique in the way of its timeline. Look deeper, think. It’s the same people. But as time goes by, you notice things. The high is gone, that’s what happened. Everything else has not changed.
My parents are BT’s, and not only were they discarded and treated like outsiders after becoming frum, but so were my siblings and I as their children. My family wasn’t Chabad enough, and to this day we’re still treated like kiruv cases even though we were raised by two frum parents who just happen to be BT’s. It’s demeaning and unkind to treat anyone without respect, BT or FFB.
And don’t even get me started on Shidduchim
That’s why all my siblings and I married outside of the Chabad community. No one on the inside thought we were good enough to marry, and we didn’t want to put our future children through the same rejection and pain we faced.
Is there a way we can be in touch? I’d love to discuss this with someone.
A chabad girl once condescendingly questioned my ability to translate Hebrew due to my limited background. She was completely aware that I had been raised frum and had attended frum Jewish schools my whole life, but I wasn’t in the “in” crowd, I hadn’t been raised as Chabad as her, and my parents are BT, so clearly I must be an idiot.
You wrote honestly, and from your heart. I will try to offer some clarity to this. Not all love is the same. There is the love that parents have for their children when they are babies, and a different kind of love when they are grown up. Babies are handled with kisses and hugs. There is nothing expected in return. A baby should be raised knowing only love and care. As the child gets older, the kisses and hugs lessen, and the child is now expected to provide nachas in return. As the child gets even older, and is now… Read more »
I have to say I totally hear you’re point. But as I said I have resolved my issue of connection. Ultimately for me it’s not necessarily about hugs and kisses its about do you still remain true to the relationships that you build? As relationships progress and grows like you said the way in which we give over our love differs and that’s the point. You don’t hug your child and then throw them into the sea in the hopes they will swim you teach them slowly as most shluchim do then you let them swim on their own. But… Read more »
You are 100% correct and valid in the way you feel. I’m thinking what might be a motivator here for the lack of contact (and here I’m speaking about not checking in or following up, and not flat out ignoring calls or brush offs – never an excuse for that). I used to teach a difficult class of middle school students and found that my attention was regularly drawn to the “difficult” students. In moments of crisis, the ones that could self-regulate were solid and good to go while I put out the fires elsewhere. Perhaps you and the many… Read more »
This is exactly what I wanted to comment, but you did it better. Sometimes it’s a sign of respect- you’re part of it now, you’re not a newcomer, treating you that way is disrespectful. That said, it’s critical for every FFB to recognize that BT’s don’t have their own extended families living frum lifestyles, and they need their friends to be family for them
Great article and definitely something we all need to work on. Thanks for sharing.
Now it’s your turn to share what you’ve learned with others. You’re an adult now and “parents” want their “child” to become giving helpful adults.
The ball is in your court to go out there and give to others.
When the crown heights kids wish they could have some fun like the Cteen kids, we have a problem
Any frum person can look at the non-frum lifestyle and think “wow, that looks so free, so fun” etc. Same thing with teens. Torah life isn’t necessarily the most “fun” in the moment, but it is without a doubt the most enjoyable, fulfilling, meaningful way of life. So to say that it’s an issue when Crown Heights kids look to regular CTeen to have fun – which I’ll trust you when you say that’s the case although I’ve never heard/seen that – it’s not something that has anything to do with the point of this article (how people are treated… Read more »
It does emphasize the fact that the author is making that we pay more attention to those outside and forget about our own
I wholeheartedly agree! Couldn’t have said it better. You just voiced my thoughts. Such a refreshing article, the likes of which I have not seen in a very very long time. Shines some light into golus. And as we know, a little light can dispel a lot of darkness. And yes, I agree that Rabbi Moule Azimov was a true shliach of the Rebbe and so are his descendants spreading a true love for Hashem, Torah and fellow yidden. May we go from the joy of this Rosh Chodesh to the joy of the final redemption with Moshiach, may it… Read more »
The separation between BT and FFB only gets worse in shidduchim
Was said this but know this to be not true yes we have different values just because you became or are something doesn’t mean you got the values
It’s a sad reality that you describe. When I speak to non-Chabadniks about the systemic brokenness in our Chinuch system, especially our girls schools, they are surprised because doesn’t Chabad love everyone? But the reality is that people are people and once you join the club, the judgement and expectations to conform arrive in spades… What makes it especially difficult for BTs is that they do not have the same familial support system that is critical for self-esteem when the mosdos begin the fail them…
When I was sick I got tons of attention from dictors, nurses and caregivers. But then I got healthy and suddenly…(let me quote the article)… “It was the consistent and burning feeling that I was being sidelined by those individuals who so tried to push me in the right direction [towards health]. The Chevrusas [doctors], those phone calls between yomim tovim [appointments], the people [caregivers] who would smile and give me the biggest hugs when they would see me, the counselors [nurse] at camp [the clinic].” You see, as a secular Jew you were spiritually “sick”. Chassidim are spirtual healers.… Read more »
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a more ridiculous comment to date. I sincerely hope you don’t pass this attitude on to your children that they will only receive your nourishment when they become “sick” and this is exactly why so many children and people are overlooked not cared for. Think of it as Preventative medicine even though that line of wording is so twisted from the truth.
Kop Doctar, you are a genius. Wow! You nailed it perfectly. Amazing response to the OpEd.
Stop complaining and go be mekarev other yidden.
Make them into BTs.
And then after pushing them in the right direction, keep being their Chevrusas, keep those phone calls between yomim tovim, be the people who would smile and give them the biggest hugs when they would see me, invite them, hang out with them…the way you would want for yourself!
The author wrote from his heart. Your response was so mean spirited. “Stop Complaining”.
And then you run off to Mincha/Maariv with a minyan?
Hashem Yerachem.
Being NCFB (like acronyms? Here’a a new one!, not chabad from birth, is the closest way to write about upbrinh) i always thought I NEED to change to fit with cfb friends, oh boy I was totally wrong, I lost all my previous friends and I never get to have friends for almost forever..
Why I need to feel like im a get tzedek that has to be “tested” for this people? (With really really all respect for a ger tzedek).??
Add to this the typical newyorkers rudeness and you are more than done…
I wonder how is this is or should be implemented in chinuch of young kids. How do we explain them to have friends but at the same time having to not be influenced by “outside THINGS “(not PEOPLE!)
On the op subject it will be nice if one of nowadays famous “maggidim” (y jacobson manis friedman and so on) talk about it
The mainstream side goes into shlichus to make a connection with other jews. If they put on tefilin, great. Steve Allen was one of the biggest atheists but he performed for the chabad telethon every year. Also great. We had a connection with him and he had a connection with us. Then there’s another side that tries to “make” lubavitchers, slap a kapota and beard on them, teach them a little tanya and then they wonder why they won’t be accepted as those who were brought up as chabad their entire lives. It’s not fair to those bt’s who could… Read more »
A shliach once told me a story from his personal experience. On Shabbos, he was walking around his chabad house greeting the people and, when he came a frum lubavitcher, he gave him a quick, cold greeting. The chossid looked at the shliach and said “Do I need to shave my beard and take off my kapota to get a proper hello?”
i heard from R Y Zilber zal that you have to keep in touch with a person you were mekarev for at least 10 years+.Baale Tshuves need guidance on almost anything(talking about myself also, so i hope nobody is offended)-we never saw a Jewish home, never dealt with frum people etc. It is not only observance, it is a whole Jews life package. Big pity to see people in their 50-60’s who are Frum for 30+ years and do not know basics, because they were never taught
Things could always be better people could always improve and it’s good that you’re pushing yourself and others to be better and improve! there’s an idea of a relationship between a משפיע and mushpa which is different than a relationship between two friends that in order for the mashpia to be a mashpia he has to be able to stand on higher grounds without getting infected by the defects in the mushpa So basically a guy goes out and Kindles the light in another Jew until it is able to sustain itself and once he does that he has accomplished… Read more »
I think you hit the nail on the head with this sentence: “maybe – just maybe – I was just part of this theatrical performance of “Mivtzoyim.”” The problem is that we don’t treat outreach as genuinely caring about the person, it’s just a means to an end, to have them become frum. So once they’re a BT in CH I don’t have the vested interest to make them frum anymore, and I never really genuinely enjoyed spending time with them anyways? Maybe we should try to genuinely engage with people as people and make authentic connections rather than just… Read more »
in general it seems many people of all types can use chizuk nowadays , more than previously.
[ incl. bts and ffbs.]
so its possible that the rebbe zt”l would stress this more nowadays.
also a healthy strong close kehilla is more able to be mekarev outsiders.
I saw all the comments. The best two were written by “Kop Docktar”.
Sir, I salute you for speaking the truth and telling it like it is. Kol hakovod Kop Doktar
And to the Writer, I hope you can handle the truth.
I had the same experience the author describes. After I became frum my shluchim/ shluchim in general were no longer interested. I still needed to learn so much. I still needed advice, encouragement, connections. I found them in another frum community and I am so grateful that I didn’t continue to try to be accepted or look for a shidduch in Chabad.
I hear ya, and if you want a real convo, I’m down. You can reach me at 706-962-3222
I’m in the hood for a few weeks so feel free to catch up and make people feel welcome again.
Nossy Drelich
The answer is chinuch. What you do not know you must strive to learn. Oseh lecha Rav, make for yourself a rov, someone who will guide you and poskin for you what is the proper way to choose. This mishnah applies to everyone, even gadoleem. My rebbe, ztz”l designated another person as his rav. Could my rebbe have poskined these same shailos? Certainly, however there is an important mesora in life here. Everyone needs torah guidance, not just some fresh B”T. My rebbe never used the term B”T. The term was derogative in nature in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s.… Read more »
There is an answer in “The Chasam Sofers Haggadah” page 232-3.