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  |  September 23, 2020


When, How to Pay a Shadchan?

Question for the Rabbi: Who should be paying for matchmaking, how much and what is two shadchanim were involved? Full Story

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To # 14
October 9, 2018 12:34 am

How is that you can understand ppl have to pay tuition, high rents or mortgage, marrying off the Children, but can’t understand that a shadchen also have to pay tuition, high rent, and weddings???
Why should a shadchen get paid only the same as 30 years ago
When all the living expenses went up 10 X ???
When you add up all the expenses to mary off a child another 2K for the shadchen won’t make it or break it.

More thoughts on the matter
September 5, 2017 12:40 pm

Real estate agents’ commissions have gone up because they are a protected professional group. The profession is regulated. When their commissions go up it is harder for clients to oppose that. Shadchanim are local people doing a service. Their fees are more prone to what people are willing to pay. That is, clients have more clout when opposing their fees. As for shadchanus, some are good and some are not, like in any profession. Some jobs are quick and simple, others take an enormous amount of time and energy. They should be paid appropriately for their services. If it seems… Read more »

September 4, 2017 3:24 pm

Here are some clarifications re this article. 1) As far as the amount, I got the $1000 amount from the Nitei Gavriel (Shiduchim UTena’im, 39:1). (For the rest of my sources, click on the link at the bottom of the article.) Although that sefer was printed nine years ago, I have not heard definitively that the minhag has changed. If it has, whether across the board or in Chabad, then that becomes the halacha. In addition, if any shadchan has a fee that is higher than the usual (and they state so up front) this certainly must be followed. As… Read more »

Another shadchan
September 4, 2017 12:56 am

An average of about one couple from every eight couples that I set up actually get engaged. So for us to be successful and help you, we are usually doing 8x the work that you think we do. It is a lot of work and a lot of heartache. You may be tight, but you find money to pay for the hall, caterer, and everything else you need. Please don’t take advantage of us. Why do you think there are so few shadchanim? We burn out because it’s a stressfull job. We are overworked and underpaid. Perhaps if we were… Read more »

September 3, 2017 7:11 pm

I’ve been Bh making shidduchim for quite a few years and there are times I just want to throw in the towel! Ie. when you’ve finally got a boy to go out with a girl you’ve been trying to set up for so long and then at the last minute the girl decides she doesn’t want to go out with this boy , then you practically beg her bc it’s not nice to eschange Dor Yeshorim numbers and then change your mind about going out!!!! So it׳s no surprise when the girl׳s side calls up the next day and sais… Read more »

September 3, 2017 4:31 pm

בס”ד first of all, please do not use my name nor title. many years ago, A asked Rav B to make a shiduch foor his son with C’s daughter, with the understanding there would be no shachrunis gelt. Rav B agreed, and indeed successfully made the shiduch. at the wedding, under the chuppa, C gave Rav B an envelope with $35.00. I told you this was a long time ago. Rav B protested, but C was an aggressive man and insisted he take the money. the next day Rav B talked with his Father, and the Rav D, both weren… Read more »

Let's be realistic
September 3, 2017 4:06 pm

More than 50% of people can’t afford to buy a house. So that comparison isn’t realistic. And most of them go into debt just to marry off their children. I have married a few children and still paying off gmachs. Most Shaddchin that I have delt with over the years have no clue about the boy or the girl. If it’s such a big mitzvah to find shidducim for people they would take what people can afford. I know of Shaddchin that won’t even speak to you if they know you can’t afford thousands of dollars. Maybe if Shaddchin would… Read more »

Just saying
September 3, 2017 1:33 pm

I married off 4 kids. Gave plenty of money to shadchonim. All my matches came from friends.

Please have normal people write these things
September 3, 2017 12:02 pm

When I got married 30 years the MINHAG was to pay Reb Meyer Harlig Shlita 500.00 each side. A house in CH was 250K

My house is now worth 7 times that and SHADCHONIS goes up only once????

Please when you write things down think.

A house is a one time purchase and a wife is a one time deal. Lets make it an even playing field.

September 3, 2017 11:46 am

In my opinion
Shadchan has to be paid at least 1500 and up for easy shidduch from girls side and 1000 from boys side

It’s harder for girls in this market
They should pay more

A Shaddchen
September 3, 2017 11:35 am

There are many people that don’t understand the time involved. The mother’s need an advocate and will find a “shaddchen” and ask that shaddchen to to see if the otherside has an interest. Over and over again. Many times dates do come out of this, but not engagements. .Many do not compensate the Shadchen for all their time and effort. They figure they only have to “pay” if their child gets engaged. Sometimes a shaddchen can work with a single for many and they are “used” as the mother’s source for names they want to look into and B”H the… Read more »

To #7
September 3, 2017 8:59 am

I always understood the the one who’s idea it was only gets a token of appreciation but the facilitator gets the real shadchanis gelt. Two separate individuals mentioned my son in laws name for my daughter. I gave them both gifts ($250) just for mentioning the ideas and still gave $1500 to the Shadchan. I asked a few people and was told this was the correct way..,,

Real Estate Commission
September 3, 2017 8:42 am

Since shadchonus is compared to an Agent’s commission. would one be required to give 1/3 commission when suggesting to a friend that a house is for sale – comparable to suggesting a name of a shidduch, and letting someone else do the deal?/!!

Likewise, simply suggesting an investment without putting buyer/seller together already entitles 1/3 of commission?!

Is there ANY opinion like that???

Sources / references PLEASE!!!!

September 3, 2017 7:09 am

I. Is Shadchanis required if you meet on a Facebook group or other website dedicated solely to Shidduchim where effort is p
put in by those who started the group?
2. What is the requirement if you give the name to the Shadchan

question on crown heights minhag
September 3, 2017 4:59 am

Does crown heights have a minhag in terms of what stage to pay a shadchan, just after a lchaim? Or very close to actual wedding, or just after wedding??

real rav said...
September 3, 2017 4:56 am

I had shadchan A online, did not know either of us. Shidduch cancelled. Shadchan B knew us and was more actively involved, and resurrected the shidduch. Rav suggested Shadchan A only to get 10 tob15 percent of total. I gave only $300 to Shadchan A, and $1,700 to Shadchan B.

To #7
September 3, 2017 3:31 am

Thank you for answering what many asked. Please state the source for this “halachik” answer. In many cases I’ve been involved in – both being the one to suggest or if someone suggested for my children but didn’t want to do the match – the one who suggested received a gift or $ token of appreciation and the shadchan who worked the match received full shadchanis gelt. Based on what you write is halacha, and this article’s suggested $1000, in the case of most shidduchim that are suggested by a friend and then taken to a shadchan, that shadchan would… Read more »

Putting your child on a date
September 3, 2017 2:01 am

When my oldest child went out on her first date, which did not turn out to be her bashert, I had no clue that there was an inyan to give the shadchan money for her time and effort involved. Once I found out that it was the acceptable thing to do, i made sure to always give the shadchan money (or a gift). This kept her thinking of more and more ideas for my daughter. In the long run it was worth it.

In my humble opinion
September 3, 2017 1:56 am

Many parents are ignorant and don’t realize how much time and effort is spent on behalf of their children. All the phone calls and back and forth communication takes a lot of time. A shadchan who is given a token of thanks for putting in that time and effort, will be more likely to think of your child for future ideas.

Sounds low
September 3, 2017 1:38 am

$1000 sounds low. Wasn’t that the going rate 20 years ago when I got married? I would think it should be at least $2000 by now. All our others expenses went up more than double since then. Shouldn’t shadchanus also have gone up? And Being a shadchan seems more complicated than it was years ago.

שפיגל ירושלים
September 3, 2017 12:46 am

Excellent article.Your father did a great job!!!

To number 7
September 3, 2017 12:45 am

Where is that sourced? I want to know for my own referance…

September 2, 2017 11:42 pm

Whats the rule if the family asked someone to start the shiddach going. Shadchan did what was requested. The family then went and asked another shadchan to take over. How does shadchan A go aboout getting their honestly earned shadchan gelt?

Thank you for this!
September 2, 2017 11:11 pm

I’m an un-shadchan, and I learned from it!
Everyone with shaylos about individual cases when there were two or more shadchanim, etc. etc. — which are common — should ask a Rav. Different Rabbonim may answer differently.
If someone genuinely can’t afford to pay the customary rate in America or in their community, they should also ask the shadchan or a Rav what to do.
May there be great shidduchim for all who need in the New Year, and even before!!

do it for the mitzvah
September 2, 2017 11:04 pm

help ppl find their shiduch for the mitzvah and be appreciative of whatever they give you.

September 2, 2017 11:01 pm

What if neither are shaddchanim but one friend suggested and another friend was the go between.

thanks for the article
September 2, 2017 10:50 pm

Jusst a couple of thoughts from a shadchan. Giving shadchanus and making your shadchan happy is a segulah towards sholom bayis and having healthy children.. Shadchanim work very very hard all day long on many shiduchim that don’t pan out.. so when one finally does work they deserve every penny they get, and more.. Shadchanus fees for the last 20 years at least have been about $1000, without going up. Nowadays the average amount is $1500- to $1,800 per side. Everything else has gone up, thousands are happily paid towards the expense of a chasuna. Just think, without the shadchan,… Read more »

To # 2
September 2, 2017 10:49 pm

The way you wrote the comment i can see you are a shadchan and demand a lot of money. A shadchan should not het paid 3000 in tot for making some phone calls? COME ON!!!! Did you go to college and got a degree? Are you a lawyer? Simple pp who make phonecalls should be happy to get 1000 from each side. Let,s not be money hungry on other pp expenses. Pp have bh tuition to pay, high rent and marrying off a child is quite expensive. So let s not add more expenses to that. I DON.T CARE IF… Read more »

Who is the shadchan
September 2, 2017 10:45 pm

The person that comes up with the idea is not the shadchan –
the person that facilitates the two sides coming together is the shadchan.

TO # 7
September 2, 2017 10:45 pm

Who decided the amount you wrote?
The shadchan who facilitates the dating gets more bc she did the main job! Not as you wrote!

September 2, 2017 10:39 pm

What happens if someone mentions a name, nothing comes of it then but years later that’s the shidduch. Does the original receive if the shidduch was reintroduced in a totally different way?

proper division of payment according to halocha
September 2, 2017 10:35 pm

if some one suggests an idea & someone else is the shadchan between
the halocha is the one that gave the idea gets1/3 & &the shadchan in between gets 2/3..
it’s important to acknowledge anyone that was involved in anyway.
for the sake of the couple pay they shadchanim that helped & got the single to an engagement.there are many steps involved.

Both side give equally?
September 2, 2017 10:30 pm

I’ve never heard of this…what’s the source?
What if each side give different amounts?

Paying properly
September 2, 2017 9:39 pm

Why is it that people are comfortable paying $30,000 or more to the broker who showed them their house, yet have difficulty with the idea of paying a shadchan a respectable amount for finding their child a shidduch?! For every shidduch that works out, there are probably 100 that don’t. If you want a shadchan to work for your child, they have to be able to anticipate nice compensation for the shidduch that finally works out… Its high time the standard became something like $5000 a side. Maybe we will finally see a dent in the shidduch crisis with more… Read more »

Halacha on 2 shadchanim!
September 2, 2017 8:44 pm

The shadchan who gives the name gets 2/3
The shadchan who facilitated the dating gets 1/3.

One should not play with this! If you’ve made the mistake in the past, it’s not too late to go to the shadchan and pay for the benefit of your children.

Q: When one suggests and the other connects?
September 2, 2017 8:41 pm

Shadchan A gives the boys name to the girls family.
The family takes the name and gives it to Shadchan B to set them up.

Mazel Tov! Who gests shadchanus? I feel like it should have been Shadchan A who finally found an appropriate match for the girl. But the family only paid Shadchan B who got the boys agreement and set up the dates. Is this fair?

don't mix fact and fiction
September 2, 2017 8:39 pm

The custom in America……….
and where did you get your information from???? if you want to write an article with Torah references fine. But please leave out your own personal ideas that are not true.

September 2, 2017 8:35 pm

What if one person suggested an idea and the boy or girl asked a third person to speak to the suggested party.
The shidduch worked out . What is owed to the original
party who made he suggestion?

September 2, 2017 8:28 pm

what if someone makes a shidduch but cant be in between the bochur and girl. so she gets someone else to be in between the dating. then does the person that thought up the idea also get payed?

proper shadchanus gelt in 2017
September 2, 2017 8:15 pm

just as everthing went up so did shadchnus gelt.
my friends who have kids in shidichim say its important to pay a shadchan properly $1500-$2000.if your kids are older or having a harder time offer something upfront & while dealing with the shadchan so they’ll think of your child regularly. if you want a shadchan to work with you in the future on additional kids take care of them generously.
the bottom line is -money talks & there are not many good dedicated shadchanim out there.

September 2, 2017 3:25 pm

Is this true even if someone just suggests the shidduch? Or only if they continuously speak to both sides until it’s completed?