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Sunday, 13 Sivan, 5779
  |  June 16, 2019

    What Single Women Look For

    Shadchan coach Toby Lieder recently interviewed 50 single women in Crown Heights. What she heard from them is fascinating. Full Story

    Kashrus Leaders Meet at the OU

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    R’ Mordechai Boymelgreen, OBM

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    "So why are Shiduchim so difficult?"
    Guest
    "So why are Shiduchim so difficult?"

    Because the boys today from the very Chasidish to the very modern don’t posses even 2 of the above mentioned qualities in any one boy. Boys today at the age of 22-23-24 are still very immature and have a completely misguided & convoluted idea of what they are looking for in a girl and what a girl should expect from them. While the girls of today at the age of 18-19-20 have their heads screwed on straight mostly and are quite mature at this age the boys being proposed are mostly Immature & have no idea if they are coming… Read more »

    Stop lumping.
    Guest
    Stop lumping.

    Those are all either or not all able to be lumped together available in one person. Seems you’re promoting the impossible.

    Good to Know
    Guest
    Good to Know

    This list of qualities is great. Single guys can think about this list and farbreng with themselves about where they’re holding and where they’d like to be.

    I do ask that people refer to dating people as men and women rather than boys and girls.

    why so difficult?
    Guest
    why so difficult?

    because most Lubavitch guys do not have even half these qualities.

    We are educating our girls and boys differently. By the time they start dating, girls have typically been working and living independently for a couple of years, and all the responsibility that goes along with that, whereas guys have been living in dorms in yeshiva with no real world experience other than running a few camps here or there.

    This is a big problem.

    Time to Interview the Men
    Guest
    Time to Interview the Men

    Lets see what comes up when you interview 50 men.

    let's just focus on #2
    Guest
    let's just focus on #2

    Is anyone perfectly stable emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially – that would be a perfect person, but who is perfect? Are the girls we’re talking about perfect in these areas?

    What???
    Guest
    What???

    Guys want a girl who “will be able to take charge” ????

    single
    Guest
    single

    I needed to know that

    TYPICAL
    Guest
    TYPICAL

    ALWAYS SAYING MEN ARE WRONG

    ????
    Guest
    ????

    I am involved with shidduchim and more than half the people request a picture even before the profile. Something is wrong!!!! Either the mothers are looking for things that their sons don’t even care about, or if it is what the boy really wants, then something is very wrong as well! With all due respect, I don’t know who you have spoken to, but looks and size are probably number 1. But I must say, that surprisingly, many bochurim ask for tznius girls.. ( I always wonder what happens to them once they get married.) And btw, even modern girls… Read more »

    venus and mars
    Guest
    venus and mars

    The nature of a guy is basically very unrefined and usually self centered. That is why it is hard to find all these good qualities in a yeshiva bachur. All the more so in a working bachur. I believe that he must have a few basic positive qualities to build on. AND a smart mashpia! He is very much like a golem. That’s the way G-d made us. I think most young ladies are looking for a “full house” for a prospective mate. If she gets a pair of 10’s that is a high level. Sorry for the lowly mashal…..

    Symmetry
    Guest
    Symmetry

    It would be interesting to hear how much of these traits that the women are asking for in men have in themselves. We could make it more relevant for example by lets say replacing davening in a minyan with tzniyut and not being lazy with not spending more than an hour a day on facebook or whatsup. If in fact there is an incongruity found between what the women want and what they feel they have to offer then the lack of symmetry is what leads to the crisis because people want someone who is out of their league. While… Read more »

    These are all great things
    Guest
    These are all great things

    But still girls refuse to marry me. I am perfect. Stop it

    They want the full package
    Guest
    They want the full package

    And that’s why they are still single

    What is blocking the shidduchim?
    Guest
    What is blocking the shidduchim?

    What do you think is blocking them all from getting married if they all want the same thing?

    To 1 and 4
    Guest
    To 1 and 4

    I have a friend that has almost all 5….
    Why isn’t he married?
    Cause the girls used him out…..
    He is serious about a relationship not go out and see maybe it will work.
    He will make it work!
    However the “woman” are the ones that didn’t help in his case…

    I think mrs lieder is bringing up a very important matter
    Guest
    I think mrs lieder is bringing up a very important matter

    Do the boys get prepared at all for marriage? Are there any prep classes so they know what they are getting into
    The above list is a great guide to help your son realise what girls really want!
    Are they living up to it?

    Why?
    Guest
    Why?

    We shouldn’t ask why but rather what do we do… It’s true that boys may be misguided or uneducated but it has nothing to do with world experience, as the same lack of quality is found on all levels. The proof is that girls who are interested in Modern guys who usually do have more experience than chassidishe counterparts are not having it any easier. So the solution is in building better foundations from a young age – good solid character and the ability to take responsibility for your actions (it has to start somewhere) which will lead to taking… Read more »

    So true!
    Guest
    So true!

    Comments #1 and #4 are so true!!!

    not just the guys
    Guest
    not just the guys

    Girls also, can’t just be all “modern” and dress the way they’d like and do whatever they want and then also expect to get a chassidishe bochur. It goes both ways. You have to know what you want and what kind of person you are looking for. In the summer when it is impossible to walk down kingston ave or eastern parkway for that matter without having to wear a blindfold or dark sunglasses, it seems that some girls think they can dress the way they do and be free, yet when it comes to a shidduch, the guy just… Read more »

    Bashing?
    Guest
    Bashing?

    Great piece. The ones bashing all the males are not portraying themselves well. Good people see the good in others. They may see the bad too, but seek to rectify it and don’t get caught up in it. There are plenty of good boys, but wild rumors, lack of emunah and lack of seeing the good in others are the real crisis in shidduchim. That and not saving the intimate for marriage and cheapening what would otherwise be the strongest and most eternal bond. And people of both genders can and do strive for all of this (even those who… Read more »

    to number 1
    Guest
    to number 1

    Stop hating on the guys. Guys and girls are both not perfect

    excellent
    Guest
    excellent

    The comments are even better then the article !!!

    why so difficult
    Guest
    why so difficult

    at least half of available boys look for:
    as follows
    1) beautiful- gorgeous face
    2) beautiful – thin body.
    3) wealthy parents
    only then 4) 5) 6) comes the rest of your above qualities.
    indeed when a girl has the above 3 “qualities” she goes fast like hot cake.
    This is the problem boys are only looking for superficial beauty.

    No wonder they aren't married
    Guest
    No wonder they aren't married

    Not one of these girls Possess all of these qualities together. Why do they think they deserve someone who doesn’t have to work on themselves. They need to look in the mirror and realize they aren’t perfect and the person they are going to marry will also not be perfect in character. This might solve some of their difficulties.

    Problem  with equality
    Guest
    Problem with equality

    Your all looking at this from a girls point of view… Yiras shomayim is a lot different for a guy than for a girl and I hate to tell you a lot harder as well… Go speak to any bochur above the age of 20. Because bochurim go through the system for 5-7 years hearing it all… they become immune and develop more independent thinking and less kabolas ol. All very nice if you to judge from the outside and criticize but that’s the ‘syatem’ we’re in. Ironically the more tuned in to the system one is (being in 770… Read more »

    Be Realisitic
    Guest
    Be Realisitic

    Whilst it is admirable to aim at all those traits for a Shidduch, it is doubtful all those traits exist in one person.
    Maturity is also a very real issue nowadays.

    Chitzonius
    Guest
    Chitzonius

    Shidduchim are so difficult because the parents often control the show and choose their kids’ spouses based on the financial and social status of the prospective child-in-law. I don’t think Lubavitch young adults lack the qualities described in the article, I just think the decisions are not placed I their hands, and too much importance is stressed on externalities.

    What a con.
    Guest
    What a con.

    That list is a cheaters way to equate extra gashmiyus benefits with ruchniyus necessities, which even just with the ruchniyus is seeking a perfect beinuni. Sounds to me like they need to get a sense of what Tanya is showing us. Besides, the secretaries or customer service reps out of seminary think that their entry level job which is nearly worthless on a resume is grounds to expect a date to operate their own business or have a college degree, or even some type of certification. They are going mad. Even a young woman runs her own “local” “home style”… Read more »

    To number 11
    Guest
    To number 11

    Is it wrong for a guy to ask a girl for her picture before he dates her? I think not, if this guy is going to be looking at his wife for the rest of his life he better make sure he’s attracted or else he will go other places if you know what I mean. Completely normal to ask for a picture.

    Resumes
    Guest
    Resumes

    On the resume, most boys have all 5 of the s I’ve points on it. Then you meet them and……not so much

    Bias
    Guest
    Bias

    Self-reporting is loaded with bias and generally the worst way to conduct a study. Of course most women are not going to tell you that they prioritizes looks, money, success, and status, because that makes them appear to be vain and superficial. But the actual evidence doesn’t lie. Thousands of years of human history tell us that women are often as visceral if not more so in their selection of a spouse, and that they only settle for less because of the laws of supply and demand. It may be comforting to believe that the women you interviewed are primarily… Read more »

    The title should be "why girls aren't married"
    Guest
    The title should be "why girls aren't married"

    When you want all those things on your shopping list, while not adhering to basic jewish laws like tznius, you are guaranteed to stay single.

    RAV AVIGDOR  MILLER SAID
    Guest
    RAV AVIGDOR MILLER SAID

    ” GET MARRIED WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG & DUMB”
    meaning no one is that perfect at the ripe old age of 21- if he / she was what would they do for the rest of their lives – at 21 you are a baby beginning to grow up , all people married for 10 plus years can laugh at the hysterical mistakes & squabbles of shana rishona .
    each line 1-5 is a lifetime of work your father & mother were not “Stability; Emotional, physical, spiritual, financially.” DO YOU HAVE A CLUE WHATS INCLUDED IN THAT ONE LINE

    YOU!!!
    Guest
    YOU!!!

    You are the reason!!! Because you think it’s normal that the girls want all these things??? Tell me, have you ever met ANY human being that posess all these things??? You think it’s normal that a “modern” girl wants a boy that davens 3 times a day with a minyan. Yes, I have friends that will go to Hawaii on vacation, and dress extremely inapporpriately but they still want a boy that davens 3 times a day with a minyan. He should have a good job but not go to university cause the rebbe was against it. He should not… Read more »

    My Name Is Yossi, And I Don't Approve Your Message
    Guest
    My Name Is Yossi, And I Don't Approve Your Message

    Mrs. Leider, you say you are a shadchan who has been one for many years. While I commend your effort in trying to tie the knot between young men and women, you vilification of the male side of the knot in your op-ed is disheartening. As you are a shadchan whom, for the moment, is true to herself, can you honestly tell me how many men you have come across who have been able to check off all five categories, and 20 subcategories? After all in #1, for example, Kindness is the title of Category One, but “generous, thinks about… Read more »

    another shadchan
    Guest
    another shadchan

    First, kudos to #12. Too many people want a complete package, a fairy-tale prince, not understanding that their own avoda may require some fine-tuning, some adjustment of dreams, goals and expectations. The marriage process is one of self-refinement, mutual support and the “building” of a binyan adai ad. Each individual has to take into account the strengths and (yes…) weaknesses of the other person–or, as the writer #12 wrote, the nefesh elokus and the nefesh habahamas. There is an eb and flow in every individual and in every relationship–as said in Koheles, a time to weep and a time to… Read more »

    Basic Psychology (according to Chassidus)
    Guest
    Basic Psychology (according to Chassidus)

    You are forgetting about the fundamental difference in how men and women think. — MEN are naturally mashpi’im which means that they are designed not to need anything from the mushpa (otherwise they themselves become the mushpa). This means that they must be attracted – physically and emotionally to the mushpa (Isarusa D’lesata). WOMEN are naturally mushpai’im (which is also a harder role) and hence require the giving, providing and care of their mushpai’m (Think man/G-d, child/mother). Therefore, it makes sense for a perspective wife to need more than a perspective husband. He just needs a reason to give (which… Read more »

    Aha
    Guest
    Aha

    Basically: 1 looking for the perfect personality 2 things that you can’t all figure out when dating , I’m a guy and maybe know 1 or 2 people like that..that’s all..

    The problems is the response to a date is “he didn’t have that aspect to him” (any part of 1 2 4 5) which I’m looking for, the response should rather be “is that enough to say no”

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    We’ve been waiting for this article for a while maybe it’s a good time to replace the 2008 articles on the sidebar that are dated by 8 years

    Great article and even better comments

    shadchan coach
    Guest
    shadchan coach

    How does one become a shadchan coach?

    contradiction?
    Guest
    contradiction?

    So what most women (don’t refer to them as girls!) want in a potential match is that they be financially stable, and yet, if the man strarts to work, or g-d forbid goes to even a kosher college, touro or the like, they wouldn’t even be interested in pursuing this man… So how exactly could this work? The only option I see is that the girl wants to marry someone wealthy…which is very unrealistic, and quite frankly, very hard to find.. so good luck with that:)

    seriously?
    Guest
    seriously?

    I think the author is soooo naive to believe that the list is authentic- they are merely telling you what they think eveyrone wants to hear.I’ve seen wonderful girls,highly skilled and intelligent go out with various men and if the girls were not a size minus zero,with chiseled features, forget it.It’s about looks.That’s ok but do not try and hide that they are not about this.I’ve seen anorexic-past history of anorexia get great guys because it was about looks.And for the girls,I’ve seen money and what “they can do for me” far more important than a minyan 3 xs/day.Haaaaaaaaaaaa-don’t make… Read more »

    Numbers 4 and 5 are kind of oxymoronic...
    Guest
    Numbers 4 and 5 are kind of oxymoronic...

    You can’t be extraordinarily driven AND very family oriented – most driven people are climbing the career ladder.

    Responsible, reliable, dependable, not lazy – yes. Motivated and driven – no.

    And stability is relative. Each person marries and is attracted to someone as stable and mature as them. That’s why my sister is on the verge of divorce. Because they’re both immature and both unstable. Ding-dong.

    Oh, and
    Guest
    Oh, and

    If he’s davening mincha and maariv with a minyan that means he’s not helping give the kids supper and get them to bed. You gotta choose….

    Financial stubility at age 23-24 ...-means wealthy family
    Guest
    Financial stubility at age 23-24 ...-means wealthy family

    Boys can’t be financially stable at age 23-25…I don’t see young men have an appartment /house /castle to bring her Queen in ….all are from the parents ….. If Chabad wants wealthy young guys must do investment in super hinuh for the boy from age 3…. Yeshiva boys doesn’t have a full college degree to start job or starting capital to invest in business —- hello somebody help to our boys become rich …… Yes ” hot shiduh” is always around the money …. Today girls doesn’t want to wait to the guy to make his parnosa and prices are… Read more »

    this list is the very problem
    Guest
    this list is the very problem

    When we got married about 15 years ago, we had no list, just 5 years ago it was impossible to book a hall for a wedding, the halls were all booked up, there are very few weddings these days, and the number singles
    Is skyrocketing,

    misleading message
    Guest
    misleading message

    B”H I’m a married father for two decades. This is a misleading message. The article just listed whatever the girl or her parents asked for. A lot of the requested qualities are actually contradictory or may play different roles at different times in life. People go through stages in life. A kid in his early 20s may not be financially stable and when he is then often he is also arrogant either because of parental wealth or sometimes because he is already successful at that stage in his life. Later on he or she may be less stable in other… Read more »

    Citizen Berel
    Guest
    Citizen Berel

    Financial stability is absurd. How about healthy and able and willing to hold a job cause that’s the best you can hope for in most cases. We had about 60 ‘golden’ years where financial comfort (a.k.a. stability 😉 was the norm in these here United States of America but that’s over with the hold-overs coming from wealthy (either extremely or moderately) families from the previous generations and some very fortunate and blessed — sorry! industrious and driven entrepreneurs . But do the math. One wealthy family has 5 boys and none of them do as good as the elder, so… Read more »

    get real
    Guest
    get real

    “I didn’t hear anything about looks or body size requirements.” because it not important to them? or because they are too embarrassed to state the obvious? I know guys that have all those qualities. however some are a little heavy (read not too fat but plump) some have baldness some have not the best looks (read they are ok looking) but the girls other than the 50 interviewed want a guy that dresses sharp. you know how many girls told me one of the things they look for is the guys shoes :O its the parents that need to educate… Read more »

    Financial Stability? Good Luck!
    Guest
    Financial Stability? Good Luck!

    Crown Heights girls want financially stability. THAT is the problem. Do you really think bochurim fresh out of Ohalei Torah or Lubavitcher Yeshivah, having a secular education that’s practically nil, are going to provide financial stability? Good luck!

    No wonder they aren't married
    Guest
    No wonder they aren't married

    Not one of these girls Possess all of these qualities together. Why do they think they deserve someone who doesn’t have to work on themselves. They need to look in the mirror and realize they aren’t perfect and the person they are going to marry will also not be perfect in character. This might solve some of their difficulties.

    Toby Lieder Responds
    Guest
    Toby Lieder Responds

    My intention for this article was; If “BOTH” boys and girls are looking for the same healthy qualities (which I discovered) then what “IS” stopping them from even getting through ‘customs’? If both boys and girls are seeking these same qualities why aren’t they getting married?? There must be some “BLOCKAGES”! And “that” was my intention of the article! What can be the possible BLOCKAGES???? What customs officers are not allowing the Shidduch to proceed if we hear that 2 people want the same thing then whats the problem? Why isn’t it working?? I wrote in my original article (which… Read more »

    Back to the Basics!
    Guest
    Back to the Basics!

    The Rebbe gave instructions, it is printed in a series of books called Eternal Joy. That is the only valid advice that exists for us (Chabad Lubavitch Chassidim) just as is the Aibishters Torah is the only handbook for life that works for his chosen people – Yidden! Boys and girls, men and Woman( dating and married) lets get back to the basics. Parents: start young, look for emes, Hashem provides… It took my wife and I’s Parnassah status over 10 years to get where we are. we both helped buy our wedding dress/ Kappotah for the wedding, we were… Read more »

    Hey, so I'm just being an annoying grammar freak right now...
    Guest
    Hey, so I'm just being an annoying grammar freak right now...

    But to all of the wonderful people commenting and saying “perspective shidduch”, you are employing a word which is incorrect and does not make sense or convey the intent of what you are most likely trying to say. It is “prospective shidduch”.

    Actually...
    Guest
    Actually...

    Actually all any of us are looking for is a normal shadchan!

    Perfect girls wanted
    Guest
    Perfect girls wanted

    If the girls want perfect boys, maybe it’s time for them to look in the mirror themselves and first check if they are as perfect as all the qualities they are looking for. So many girls go out on a first date and within the first half hour have already decided that the boy is no good – not for them. Ask the girl why and she can’t give one normal valid reason. Some girls can’t find a shidduch because they are being overly picky. It’s their own stupid fault that they aren’t married!

    shes just saying what she found out
    Guest
    shes just saying what she found out

    mrs lieder is just stating facts that this is what she discovered when interviewing girls!
    Don’t judge her . this is what she discovered. This is what women want. Why she was trying to say is she was so impressed that everyone wants a good fun partner. What’s wrong with that?

    We are more in need of a shadchan coach
    Guest
    We are more in need of a shadchan coach

    Dear Shidduchim Coach, you need to also become a Shadchan Coach, because I find that shadchanim are the biggest obstacle to shidduchim . Let’s stop blaming our young women and men!! People are always claiming these young people and their parents have the wrong values! Very unfair! How about the values of shadchanim who must meet with a girl for a hour and then claims a week later – “Who? I don’t remember her. Can she come back to meet me again?” How about the values of shadchanim who accept pre-shidduch gelt and then they are never heard from again.… Read more »

    Men and Women?
    Guest
    Men and Women?

    Why do people feel it is appropriate to refer to people looking to get married as boys and girls. Boys and girls SHOULD NOT be dating. Men and women should be. It is so insulting and inappropriate that adults are referred to as children simply because they are not yet married. So a 20 year old married woman is a woman, but a single 28 year old is a girl? Language matters. Start using it correctly.

    To #30
    Guest
    To #30

    Of course looks matter. But judging just from a picture is childish. Often, at first you don’t find the proposed man/woman attractive, but after a long conversation and after discovering their great qualities, they “grow” on you. That’s why it is often recommended not to see a picture before dating, because that can ruin a perfect shiduch.

    unrealistic
    Guest
    unrealistic

    Whatever the girls told you are nothing but words… another point yiras shamayim does not mean if he davens 3 times a day, he can daven 3x and yet this can be a show to get the girl so nu?. yiras shamayim: boys and girls HARDLY have today, if at all.Hashem should help everyone find his/her soulmate..

    Larry
    Guest
    Larry

    If I remember correctly someone once asked the Rebbe (or it was the previous Rebbe not sure) about finding someone with all the qualifications that you mentioned and they were told that you have to marry five different people

    anon
    Guest
    anon

    Just wondering, can the boy also expect the girl to be frum? or only the girl can expect that? also is it a cherry pick frumkite, or all of the halochois hashem wants from us?

    trust
    Guest
    trust

    you need old school emuna and trust in hashem. no need to worry about parnassa

    on a recent audio
    Guest
    on a recent audio

    I just heard from R. Manis Friedman to young Kollel men, about the man being the Mashpia and the Woman the Mekabel. The bottom line was that the woman is supposed to be able to rely on her husband, this refers to Ruchnius and specifically loyalty. To be basically stable B’Ruchnius, I understand, but physically and financially ??? How can a stable guy B’Ruchnius be really stable financially?

    sw2
    Guest
    sw2

    there is a test here. that Jews should remember, include, love and work to help….all yidden. If one is not a big name family, or whatever, give them some reassurance, don’t just drop them, etc. and etc.

    #53
    Guest
    #53

    You are so off-base. Another example of a ‘technical’ assessment job best left to the masculine nature and mindset. One difference between men and women, like the age old adage goes: Men marry a woman because not enough is wrong with her. Women marry a man because everything is right with him. So… Were I to accept this that men and women have the same “list” (I don’t trust you…) Basic male-female dichotomy: Dating men decide on a list of qualities they WANT, yet easily accept a real-world Shidduch even when it’s nothing like they imagined because “not enough is… Read more »

    Have times change for the better? I don't think so..
    Guest
    Have times change for the better? I don't think so..

    When I was looking for a shidduch 15+ Years ago Living in crown heights from out of town .. It took me 6 months to get my first shidduch date after all the back and forth checks questions and investigations and could only get a final answer after the mother of the prospective guy was able to see me before (this happened twice !) at Shule. A couple days later she said she didn’t like my curly hair and I should straighten it before the shidduch date ! (And mind u this happened another time when the mother saw me… Read more »

    "financial security"
    Guest
    "financial security"

    when young women are looking for financial security, it doesn’t mean that we expect the guy to be financially stable immediately. It means he should have a realistic plan for how he will earn decent money, and be taking steps to implement that.

    Add to #60's comment
    Guest
    Add to #60's comment

    It’s not just the words “boy” or “girl” that I find offensive. It’s also that phrase “marry off.” As if the “boy” or “girl” in question is some prize cow to sell or barter — or better yet, a piece of furniture someone is trying to get rid of. While marriage is an important part of life, especially Torah life, a better expression should be used that is less crass or degrading. Maybe “find a suitable partner for someone?”

    Modern Orthodox
    Guest
    Modern Orthodox

    Sounds like the girls you work with aren’t looking for a lubavitcher. Shouldn’t shluchus minded and learns constitly and goes on mivtzaim amd values chassidus be the top of the list.

    I think these girls would be much happier and actually marry a good looking clean shaven modern orthodox guy. Whose fear of heaven is to the extent that he maybe davens in shul at his convenience.

    I agree with other posters too. Become whoever you want to marry.

    to Number 70
    Guest
    to Number 70

    number 70, a realistic plan to financial security is a fantasy. There are times in history where it is more or less realistic but at base its fantasy. It’s the equivalent to a plan to getting to where you sit under vineyard and reap it in. That’s when Moshiach comes. Not too long ago, any hard working, able man, could find work in a factory and could look forward to security. And a college graduate could expect to do even better. So what is left is but white collar which leaves you with Lawyer, Accountant or Doctor, with the two… Read more »

    to 57
    Guest
    to 57

    As a single girl, I’m the first to agree about giving a second chance and being open minded. There were plenty of guys that I wasn’t sure about and gave a few dates to be sure. The exception to that is if I find a guy’s intellect to be on a significantly lower level, if I Feel repulsed by a guy’s smell, Hygiene, or lack of manners, or if there are any red flags or nasty behaviors. Never did I veto a guy after a first date solely because of weight or looks. And despite what the community thinks about… Read more »

    50 Names
    Guest
    50 Names

    please provide me with a list of these names I wouldn’t date any of them.

    1 point
    Guest
    1 point

    I guaranty after a few years it wont mean a lot if her husband davens with a minyan. If he is out of the house working the whole day the first thing she will want him to do after work is get home to help her with the kids homework dinner bedtime.

    #70 meaningless; financial security only when proven
    Guest
    #70 meaningless; financial security only when proven

    often times a person can be presented as if in the future he will be able to provide, when in reality, he will not be able to. many people are very good at acting responsible, but that does not mean they really are.

    this article
    Guest
    this article

    seems to try to simplify or present a simple method of getting married specifically within the Jewish orthodox community.

    this data is useful, works and is very nice… for the simple type.

    some people take life a bit more seriously.

    List
    Guest
    List

    My husband seemed like he matched my list. Bh I was able to overlook some of his qualities that could have bothered me. Once I got married I still had my “list” in my head. “Lists” are ugly and hurt marriages. Once a person is married, they are married to a full person, a package deal. No one has all qualities, Not men, not women. And when a person holds onto this list, either it stops them from marriage or it stops them IN marriage to caring for the person in front of them. We marry human beings, not pieces… Read more »

    The boy's financial plan
    Guest
    The boy's financial plan

    is to let his shver support him, then have the wife apply for welfare

    Hey 55, get off your high horse
    Guest
    Hey 55, get off your high horse

    TO 55
    Hey, so I’m just being an annoying grammar freak right now.

    I think you need an education too. The mistake you corrected was not a grammar mistake.

    Women are great at arranging...
    Guest
    Women are great at arranging...

    They arrange their temporary single life so meticulously, even balance it to get as much as possible to fit in their soon to be “arranged?! [no]” married life. We are taught a woman is to be an “ezer kinegdo”, to assist the man. Shulchan Aruch guides us by saying that the Blessing in the house comes from the woman. Also we learn that a couple are connected even before they join. So: Making arrangements is not a man’s specialty. End of story. So expecting a single man (especially one living out of his parent’s home) to balance even his laundry,… Read more »

    H Stern
    Guest
    H Stern

    What happened to believe in G-d and that G-d controls the world

    GARY DELL'ABATE
    Guest
    GARY DELL'ABATE

    I’m very happy to see we are finally fixing the crisis

    from a girl's perspective
    Guest
    from a girl's perspective

    I see that girls tend to be more mature so they have a hard time relating to guys who are more self centered and focus on their own experiences without truly listening to the other partner.

    To Number 73
    Guest
    To Number 73

    So let me get this straight. You are — in a public forum — opening advocating for young women to find a “frum” man to marry, and then without a hint of irony, you direct this newly minted couple to “work off the books” and defraud the government in order to subsidize their lives with “aid” they would not otherwise qualify for?

    Note to all of the readers on this wonderful website:
    If you steal from the government, and by extension millions of taxpayers, you are not “frum”.

    I

    Standards
    Guest
    Standards

    These 5 things really sound like Mr. Perfect. If these are the criteria for a woman, she’s going to have a very tough time finding someone. Be realistic! As 63 mentioned-are you looking to marry 5 different people?

    (I am really curious what the men would say if asked the same question. Anyone care to interview?)

    Toby Lieder Explains...........
    Guest
    Toby Lieder Explains...........

    When I interview a single, I ask them to tell me what their 5 ‘most important things’ are they want in a marriage partner.I also call these things, ‘non-negotiable’. I say you are entitled to get 5 things that are really important to you, that you can have as a foundation, as the most important qualities that really means the world to you that you cannot negotiate on. Then I explain, that in life, once we open up our suitcases after we are married,there will be many ‘surprises’ that we didn’t know about,(like maybe he or she is very messy?… Read more »

    amerika iz nisht andresh
    Guest
    amerika iz nisht andresh

    #28….. PARENTS OFTEN CONTROL THE SHOW”””…….!!!!! What a pompous remark!…. Of course this generation… with all their supposed know it all attitudes… think they KNOW and UNDERSTAND so much better then their Parents…. that because they reach 22..23..24.. and Zu Der Zu are going to college.. and getting a degree.. zeiden zay Gantzeneh Mentchen…. yeah right … UNTIL es gayt epes nit…. and they come home running to Tatty and Mummy…for help…. financial and otherwise… NO NO NO…. Parents who have has and have Meisrus Nefesh for their kids … are STILL the best judge for what’s good and right… Read more »

    In defense of guys
    Guest
    In defense of guys

    Just want to point out any bochur who has all these traits would never ever ever want to marry the girl so demanding they are called high maintenance so instead of being a bitter single woman become more accepting and maybe you will get a guy like that

    In attack of guys
    Guest
    In attack of guys

    Obviously that was some young dumb bochur completely insensitive to me I’m a single girl at age 27. Mr you write “in defense of guys” and then go on to attack broken girls like me shame on you and any guy that would write such a comment no girl would want anyway.

    I agree with Mrs Lieder
    Guest
    I agree with Mrs Lieder

    The point of the article is not to emphasise how ‘spoiled’ girls can be, as a lot of these comments have seem to be saying. Rather, the point is to depict how if all girls want the same thing (a nice, decent mentch), then why are there so many blockages to shidduchim happening? Parents, overprotective mothers, older sisters/brothers and shadchanim need a wake up call to realise what are the most important character-traits in a marriage, and to look past all the ‘shmutz’ and physical indifferences. I was personally interviewed by Mrs Lieder and her coaching methods have really helped… Read more »

    Replies...
    Guest
    Replies...

    #70… hahahahah a man planning??? you mean like women naturally do??? oy vey. It’s like you’re ignorant of men. Get real. Marry him and assist him with his planning, don’t be a spoiled brat. #72 Technically: In the world of arranged dates… (as opposed to social meetings) A man should assess the woman’s dateliness arguably before she even finds out there is someone interested in her. Furthermore, he should maybe even see a photo before reading a profile and getting ideas… Doing any less is only “stacking the deck” for confusion. 1. If a woman knows she is being considered… Read more »

    I applaud Mrs lieder
    Guest
    I applaud Mrs lieder

    She has been so patient with me helping me find my Shidduch She answers every single email efficiently within hours!! You would think she lived next door! ( she lives in melbourne😀) Has anyone else had a good experience working with mrs lieder? Because I think it’s important to do hakoras hatov and recognise the good sincere real people amongst us, trying to build Jewish families! The good Shadchan! Mrs lieder is the most dedicated Shadchan that I have yet to experience today. She is new on the market and is dedicating 24/7 of her time now, to help people… Read more »

    the issue with this generation
    Guest
    the issue with this generation

    No one knows what it means to date or to be married. the lack of knowledge in the above categories results many times in catastrophe. When you’re dating- be picky. Have a list. This is the time to “go shopping.” Once you’re married, get your brain out of the dating mindset meaning: you find something you don’t like in your wife or you weren’t expecting to find. Guess what, she’s your wife. You’re not dating anymore so stop with the list at this point. Marriage means I am accepting every last part of you with no fine print on that…… Read more »

    Our dor
    Guest
    Our dor

    Isn’t our generation the neshomos of the people who left Mitzraim? 4/5 of the people died in Mako Choshech, the Plague of Darkness. Was there a shidduch crisis then, too?

    financial security
    Guest
    financial security

    I believe most of the girls Mrs Leider interviewed were older. A Lubavitcher man in his late twentys, thirties, at this point, should hold some sort of steady stable job be it ranging from teaching, to working for a shliach, or working towards a career goal (shlichus included) to being a manager at a bank.

    Bottom line, you’re 31, you finished yeshiva 10 years prior, smicha 8 years, dayunis 7 years, 770 5 years…what have you been doing with your life for the past 6 years?

    Financial stubility at age 23-24 ...-means wealthy family
    Guest
    Financial stubility at age 23-24 ...-means wealthy family

    Boys can’t be financially stable at age 23-25…I don’t see young men have an appartment /house /castle to bring her Queen in ….all are from the parents ….. If Chabad wants wealthy young guys must do investment in super hinuh for the boy from age 3…. Yeshiva boys doesn’t have a full college degree to start job or starting capital to invest in business —- hello somebody help to our boys become rich …… Yes ” hot shiduh” is always around the money …. Today girls doesn’t want to wait to the guy to make his parnosa and prices are… Read more »

    Girls are also immature
    Guest
    Girls are also immature

    First of all I must say this is great it Dosent make any sense. Because first of all wich girl won’t say I want this and I want that. They all want everything and looks is what comes first always and any girl who is trying to argue on that point I want to see her go out with a guy that has a mask on his face and decide to marry him. Ye exactly it’s not gonna happen. And obviously not saying that men are perfect yes most men will like to see the profile. We are all human… Read more »

    shiduch of years ago
    Guest
    shiduch of years ago

    I remember hearing a story about a young frum man who in the late 1940s saw a Jewish girl on the NYC subway, he find her interesting walked over and asked her if she keeps Shabbos, kashrus. Unfortunately, her answer was no so that was it. The young man’s “list” was attraction, Shabbos, kashrus, mitzvos. B”H he later met his bashert and became a famous rav over the years. While today I wouldn’t advocate for this “subway” approach there is something attractive about the simple value system for finding a shiduch. The young man and possible the young lady too… Read more »

    Bring Out the Best in Each Other
    Guest
    Bring Out the Best in Each Other

    Good character traits are buried within every Jew. Some good traits are near the surface, others need to cultivated. It is the combination of two people that brings out the treasures. When one sees the good in the other – it brings out that goodness out of hiding. It goes both ways. A couple who bring the best out in each other – will find that their partner has the goodness they are seeking. Kol HaKavod to the author. Your article is clear and meaningful. Unfortunately not all the readers understood right away – and you have been kind enough… Read more »

    Perspective
    Guest
    Perspective

    If I understand correctly your basically saying the women are scared of work and improvement. Scared of the idea of not starting off perfect instead of working together to get that “perfect” life. This fear of having to struggle in any way shape or form is what appears to be holding back singles from getting together in the first place and then we wonder why there are so many single people. God didn’t create people perfect, in fact it was Gods intentions that nothing should be perfect, that we should have to work constantly to improve. This idea applies in… Read more »

    To #89
    Guest
    To #89

    I believe parents should avail themselves to their children who are in the shidduchim phase, but should never control them or make such crucial decisions for them. If the man or woman has to rely on his or her parents to decide whom they are to marry, then they are clearly not mature enough to be married themselves. We read recently in the Torah about the Shidduch of Yitzchak and Rivkah. While Avraham certainly orchestrated the Shidduch via Eliezer, it was ultimately up to Rivkah to decide for herself. נקרא לנערה ונשאלה את פיה. Finally, on the subject of parents,… Read more »

    #93...
    Guest
    #93...

    …makes some really great points.
    Completely agree with his 2nd point regarding photos.

    Ugh
    Guest
    Ugh

    As #79 said-enough with the LIST! It is truly getting in the way of prospective shidduchim.
    As someone who went through the shidduch system, I B’H found my beshert. How? When I completely disregarded the “list” that I was told to give to the shadchan! I never would have found my spouse if I had relied on the list.

    #83-
    Guest
    #83-

    What happened to making yourself into a vessel?
    You can’t just sit back and assume everything will fall into place. You must believe Hashem will take care of things, but YOU are part of the plan, so YOU have to be proactive as well.

    #85
    Guest
    #85

    Bit of a bold statement you are making…!

    To #72- Modern Orthodox
    Guest
    To #72- Modern Orthodox

    You seem to imply that someone who identifies as Modern Orthodox seems to be lacking in Yiras Shomayim. I’m sorry, but how on earth can you judge people like that?? As far as I understand, Yiras Shomayim is something very personal, between a Yid and the Ribono Shel Olam. One community or denomination cannot be said to have more Yiras Shomayim than another, and it is certainly not determined by one’s outer appearance, but rather by one’s actions. What”s the best litmus test? “Kol she’ruach ha’brios nocha heimenu ruach ha’mokom nocha heimenu. External appearance isn’t even skin deep. I actually… Read more »

    hey #108
    Guest
    hey #108

    Choosing and creating one’s outer appearance is an action, too.
    One makes an active choice how to outwardly appear.

    how can you say that yiras Shamayim is certainly not determined by one’s outer appearance, but rather by one’s actions?

    how about the caste system?
    Guest
    how about the caste system?

    Parents don’t want anyone from a divorced family. After all, they think that all children of divorced families are messed up, by definition. Then Geza has to marry Geza. G-d forbid that they may just find that diamond in someone from a divorced family who is someone from a rabbinical family who went on ‘shlichus’ from before the the time the Rebbes even came to America. One was actually considered a lunatic for moving out of New York. On and on and on……
    it’s the caste system, you know.

    number 24
    Guest
    number 24

    I agree!

    Demanding a picture
    Guest
    Demanding a picture

    cheapens the process and takes away the soul’s mystery.

    Lack of tsnius creates a competitive mindset and cheapens/ pushes away shidduchim,

    If just ONE popular girl would step up and overhaul her wardrobe for the better–it would begin a revolution. Will YOU be the one? Or will you follow the herd?

    hey #109 and #110
    Guest
    hey #109 and #110

    109: I take your point, I meant to say that Yiras Shomayim is not SOLELY determined by outward appearance. Basically, I thought #72 was taking a cheap shot at the Yiras Shomayim of Modern Orthodox Jews because they might be clean shaven. So again, I reiterate, dressing like a Chossid doesn’t guarantee Yiras Shomayim, but acting in accordance with Torah, Mitzvos and Derech Eretz certainly does, regardless which community you belong to. 110: I hear you, and find this very disturbing as well. It’s almost as though Maseches Gittin is just one big mistake… What you described proves my point,… Read more »

    I was interviewed by Mrs Lieder a couple weeks ago
    Guest
    I was interviewed by Mrs Lieder a couple weeks ago

    I was interviewed by Mrs Lieder a couple weeks ago

    It was one of the most constructive Shadchan encounters I ever had. Mrs Lieder helped me realise what was really important for marriage and helped me figure out what I “really ” want/ need!
    I highly recommend all singles to get a Shadchan coach that can help you through this puzzling situation! It’s worth everything!

    Mrs Lieder, thank you for the insights and clarity I received from my encounter with you!

    She is real, she is dedicated, and cares as if your the only one that matters

    Just saying

    PICTURES
    Guest
    PICTURES

    Anyone who complains about requesting a picture, is a big baby and doesnt understand nothing especially about shiduchim.
    A picture doesnt just mean they are only looking at beauty of another.
    its not the only way, but a pic could help determine if the person seams stable,healthy ,kind , mean etc.
    so grow up with the picture remarks.

    parents
    Guest
    parents

    if the parents would butt out of the process, i can guarantee the shidduch crises would be cut in half.
    you can put 500 boys and girls on a deserted island and within a month, they would all match up

    re: 50 "interviews"
    Guest
    re: 50 "interviews"

    What should have been done if one really wanted accurate information would have been to pass out surveys to a cross section of the bochurim and young ladies in our community, translated into several languages, so all could correctly understand what they were being asked.The directive that should have come along with such a survey should have been to fill it out anonymously with a pencil supplied by the survey distributors to minimize penmanship recognition. I’ll bet the list of qualifications would not be the same as the one Mrs. Lieder rounded up.Why would a young lady (since some of… Read more »

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    “so why are shidduchim so hard”. Are you kidding me, can you tell me which flaws are ok, please tell me I’m interested. You must be spiritual personable , wealthy, supremely calm, and have the capacity to handle all else.

    X