Thursday, 23 Av, 5780
  |  August 13, 2020


What Led Me To Break a Shidduch

From the COLlive inbox: With many tears and pints of ice cream, it was clear to me that with the future of my family at stake it wasn’t a time to mess around. I, therefore, decided to end the shidduch... Full Story

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You're not compatible
July 22, 2020 11:52 pm

So bottom line dor yeshorims quick answer was on target short but direct you’re not compatible.

I would like to add
Reply to  You're not compatible
July 23, 2020 2:11 pm

when my daughter was found to be incompatible with one shidduch I was called by Rabbi Eckstein (founder of Dor Yeshorim)himself. He was extremely kind and compassionate and specifically asked me to be gentle when telling my daughter because he thought she might be shocked.

Just to add
Reply to  You're not compatible
July 27, 2020 9:48 am

If not for dor yeshorim, you wouldn’t have gotten tested by jscreen, so it turns out, that your “free day in high school” actually paid off.
Also, when I got tested for dor yeshorim, they made us agree that we will only use it before we actually start going out with the person. I guess that in high school you didn’t actually read their paper, which is unfortunate, it would have saved you a lot of heartbreak. (The reason for the rule is precisely for your situation)

Thank you for sharing!
July 22, 2020 11:59 pm

I think that you handled the situation very wisely by getting additional testing done and Dor Yishorim took care of the preliminary screening adequately.
Thank you for sharing and wishing you hatzlacha in all!

July 23, 2020 12:14 am

It would be prudent of the shadchonim to advise both potential couples to check with dor yeshorim before going out on a date. This would avoid the pains the writer describes.

Reply to  Hopeful
July 23, 2020 12:47 am


Test compatibility before dating!
July 23, 2020 12:27 am

Every prospective couple should test before going on first date. That avoids any heartbreak of having to break off with someone you’ve already developed feelings for.
I don’t agree that ivf is solution. That’s after the event once you’re married and realise thats a potential problem. But you wouldn’t start a shidduch knowing there’s a problem.

Reply to  Test compatibility before dating!
July 23, 2020 10:30 am

Do you think she doesn’t know that she called off the shidduch!
Her point was that dor yisharim just tells you your not compatible which makes it sound as if there is no way this will work
When there are ways and things you could do that MIGHT make it work (even though yes why start a marriage knowing there are problems) but from dor yisharim view there withholding information not being helpful and ultimately all they want is your money.

July 23, 2020 12:32 am

Please exchange dor yesharim numbers BEFORE you date to avoid such situations. I’m sorry u went thru this.

Another opinion
July 23, 2020 12:39 am

While the natural course of things may make sense,it still would have been the wise course to ask the Rebbe if to continue with the shidduch or not.Sometimes the Rebbe’s answers may not seem logical to us

Something to think about
July 23, 2020 12:40 am

Thank you it’s interesting point you bring up on one hand do we really want to know everything wrong with us or just if this shidduch is ok or do we say it’s my medical data I should know it it’s a good question and is definitely something to think about

July 23, 2020 1:16 am

Dor Yeshorim prepped us extremely well for our blood work, infact I recall the head of DY who fathered and then sadly buried an number of children with Tay-Sachs disease. This made a huge impression on us and this is going back over 30 years.
Thank you Dor Yeshorim.

Violation of Terms
July 23, 2020 1:19 am

Dor Yesharim specifically does not provide the details, and makes you sign not to get tested elsewhere to prevent stigma and the breach of anonymity. You did wrong.

Medical Testing Requires Medical Staff
Reply to  Violation of Terms
July 23, 2020 12:39 pm

It’s her medical information, so she is entitled to know the results!

Test first
July 23, 2020 2:26 am

The shadchan should have reminded you to test before initial meeting

is this an infomercial
July 23, 2020 3:31 am

HUH?? I am confused, What was the point of the article? As a Shadchan I will not allow my couples to go out without a dor yeshorim test first. Everything is in the right time, and the right time is when you have the dor yeshorim test results,, why go into heartache if it is not necessary

So maybe THAT is the point
Reply to  is this an infomercial
July 23, 2020 9:13 am

To ensure people don’t make the same mistake

This is an advertisement for JScreen
July 23, 2020 3:32 am

The details here are so absurd, it’s unlikely for a shidduch to happen this way. JScreen is trying to make inroads in our community that we should use them instead of Dor Yesharim. Each has it’s place, but when meeting through a shadchin, not by ourselves or in groups of friends, Dor Yesharim WORKS!

Blanket answers...
Reply to  This is an advertisement for JScreen
July 25, 2020 6:48 pm

No, going to a service that will often say “incompatible, bye” is not the way. A lot of divorces happen because the real bashert was thrown away and comes later, when people are more reasonable. Testing was often done with thought and actual guidance and yes, there are treatment options. There are plenty of grey areas.

If people also thought of ruchinus, chinuch, how to build a house instead of just overhyping one aspect to the extreme, there would be no drug crisis, suicide crisis, divorce crisis, chinuch crisis, sick addiction stuff crisis, etc.

Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 3:51 am

You went out and then asked the rebbe for haskoma when you were ready to get engaged. No genetic testing. There were times the rebbe didnt give haskoma and we may not have known why. We trusted hashem and followed the rebbes advise. There was no genetic testing ever done. We also didnt have to write resumes in order to meet. We didnt look at pics before meeting. We had a lot less unmarried unhappy people then

Smaller community Perhaps
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 6:38 am

Perhaps the reason we didn’t have many issues years ago is that the community was very small. Now Bh we are many in numbers therefore a small percentage of people is hundreds instead of just a few.

A lot has changed
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 7:40 am

There also was no COLLIVE and you don’t seem to have an issue reading it. Yes many years ago there was no genetic testing done, but thanks to advance in technology we now have the opportunity to do it. Trusting Hashem is also doing proper hishtadlus. “nitein reshus lrofeh lrapos”

Watch what you say
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 9:01 am

Getting the Rebbes brocha doesn’t contradict doing testing. There are couples that got the Rebbes brocha didn’t do testing and have had children with Tay sachs and other diseases. They themselves advise to do the testing. It’s not a stira. Hashem gave us tools and wisdom we should use them properly.

Years ago...
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 9:28 am

…you could write in and get that haskoma. Today the nearest you can do is go to the Ohel and/or write to the Igros, but come on, you know it’s not the same thing; for one thing, it’s a lot easier now to conveniently “reinterpret” the answer you get. As for “no genetic testing,” what happened as a result is that a lot more families suffered heartbreak with their children dying or gravely ill, r”l. If you think that was better, I invite you to talk to some such families and tell them that. And no, you didn’t have “a… Read more »

times changed
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 9:43 am

nowadays if a couple meets in shidduch is already a big deal

Mazal tov
Reply to  times changed
July 23, 2020 11:22 pm

Nowaday and any days if a couple meet, are compatable, healthy, and want a good Jewish home it’s a miracle like splitting the yam suf. There are many problems in the world, in families with health, mental health, all kinds of tzurus- no need for platitudes of meeting a certain way is so virtuous as to put down others.

Totally agree
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 10:38 am

That is the TRUE WAY how to handle a shidduch suggestion. I wrote a pan in the igros asking to take the dor yeshurim test. The Rebbe didn’t respond. I ended up doing it (huge mistake) because “everyone” does it. Conclusion I wrote a certain brochurs name and we both received haskamahs from the Rebbe, (and of course I understood why I didnt recieved a
reply from our Rebbe). When the Rebbe says dus iz dus,
and we FULLY TRUST our Rebbe because ONLY HE TRULY KNOWS WHO IS OUR SOULMATE, there is NO NEED for a dor yeshurim test.

rebbe says to follow the doctor's advice!!
Reply to  Totally agree
July 23, 2020 11:45 pm

…. And if you had a health issue, and the doctor gave you a medication, you then write to the “igros”, and don’t get an answer, then I assume you would’nt take that medication???!!!
This is nonsense, The Rebbe says Befeirush , to consult doctors on medical issues, and follow his advice!!
I don’t know of any Doctor who says not to be tested!!

Reply to  rebbe says to follow the doctor's advice!!
July 24, 2020 11:05 am

Would the Rebbe tell me not to take a medication that can save my health or WOULD THE REBBE TELL ME NOT TO TAKE THAT CERTAIN MEDICATION THAT CAN SAVE MY LIFE, BECAUSE THAT DOCTOR MADE A MISTAKE! I’m in so shocked that people do not trust our Rebbe at all! Doctors CAN MAKE MISTAKES but NEVER OUR REBBE!

you are right
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 11:17 am

but i don’t think it negates getting tested

40 years
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 23, 2020 1:11 pm

I don’t know how old are you but already 40 years ago there was genetic testing
your logic doesn’t make sense
today’s medical advancements are here why you wouldn’t use them

Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 24, 2020 12:17 am

Years ago people lost kids to Tay Sachs!
And years ago there wasn’t Tylenol and Penicillin and there was polio. Don’t bring the Rebbe into this! The Rebbe always said to do B’derech hateva what you can do

Not entirely accurate
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 25, 2020 2:42 pm

My husband and I are married 31 years Boruch Hashem. I did the Dor Yeshorim testing in seminary, but since my husband was from an out-of-town community DY hadn’t reached at the time, he did a genetic work up at his local hospital. Only after that did he travel to meet me. True, we were Zocheh to get the Rebbe’s Brocha. True, resumes and pictures didn’t exist (I fervently wish the latter was still the case!!), but after volunteering in Chronic (Kings County Hospital) in my teens and seeing the severely disabled children with Tay Sachs Lo Aleinu I wouldn’t… Read more »

Some did
Reply to  Was never this way years ago
July 25, 2020 6:50 pm

Some people did reasonable genetic testing. They knew of treatments (IVF) and to calculate it as a factor. It wasn’t this blanket “non-compatible” after screenings for multiple diseases.

Why the secret?
July 23, 2020 4:25 am

I would recommend getting full genetic test so one is fully aware – there is no reason genetic issues need to be kept secret or have any stigma associated with them.
23andme offers many of the basic tests for a very affordable price.

Why secret?
July 23, 2020 4:50 am

Many genetic tests can be done simply and cheaply – there should be no stigma or unnecessary secrecy around this – it is a lack of education and understanding of genetics that causes much of this pain and anguish.

With understanding
July 23, 2020 5:31 am

Thanks for posting.

1. We feel your pain and frustration for having to end a very promising Shidduch 😔

2. You did the right thing – very courageous of you to put your future children as priority!

3. Lesson: Take Dor Yeshorim BEFORE the shidduch date begins

4. Hashem will certainly bless you to find your rightful shidduch on merit of your brave decision!

Medical Testing Requires Medical Staff
July 23, 2020 9:10 am

Thank you for sharing your personal story. My physician said it’s important to know my results and get a medically comprehensive test and directed me to JScreen. I’m very pleased with their service and level of professionalism. My rav agreed.

Dor yesharim hate
July 23, 2020 9:23 am

This seems to be an ad for jscreen. While they seem to offer a service that many people may want, why do they always have an anti dor yesharim slant? Dor yesharim has done so much for the Jewish people, practically eliminating some horrible diseases. I understand wanting more control over your results but there is no need to also bash dor yesharim.

Raise yourself without putting others down
July 23, 2020 9:24 am

I’m sorry, but I find this very condescending. If you want to promote jscreen, that fine. There is no need to put down another organization who brought so much awareness to genetic testing looonng before anyone else. Secondly, 99 percent of people these days check the dor yeshorim numbers before dating (unless people meet on their own?) So I find it hard to believe that it wasn’t done before. Now during the 9 days lets not look to bad mouth others. You can raise awareness about Jscreen and the additional tests they do, but every time I see that being… Read more »

I hope this helps others
July 23, 2020 9:39 am

Please always check DY BEFORE you even meet. This girl’s experience shows how important it is… and had she checked before, she could have saved herself pain from becoming emotionally attached. The right one is out there!

Never go out without checking Dor Yeshorim
July 23, 2020 9:42 am

All shadchanim should know that Dor yeshorim is a must before going out.

Don't all shadchanaim require this?
July 23, 2020 9:42 am

I think all shadchanaim require this before sending someone out on
a first shidduch date. But what about unofficial shadchanim? It’s best if everyone woulds know for himself to first check the compatabiity before going on a first date.

I do not like this article
July 23, 2020 9:57 am

Your underlying message is dissing Dor Yeshorim, who are an amazing selfless organization. I’m sure JScreen are also there for the right reasons, but it was your fault that you didn’t call in your numbers before you dated.

Dor Yesharim was Informative
July 23, 2020 10:16 am

When my daughter was in shidduchim, we always checked Dor Yesharim before dating. I was surprised to get a call from them saying that she was a carrier for a genetic disease. But beyond saying “not compatible,” they 1) specifically told me which disease and 2) put me in touch with a genetic counselor who explained everything to me and patiently answered my questions. The counselor told me that 25% of Jewish people tested were carriers for this disease – and that being a carrier was nothing to be alarmed about. We obviously did not go through with that particular… Read more »

HIPAA violation
Reply to  Dor Yesharim was Informative
July 24, 2020 11:27 am

Once they told you that your daughter was not compatible with this boy, they had no right to tell you which disorder caused the incompatibility, because now you know that he is carrying the gene for that disorder. They could and should (but won’t) tell patients which disorders *they* are carrying, but about the other patient all they have the right to say is “not compatible”. That way you know he’s carrying *something*, but not what. Even that is allowed only because he has consented to that limited disclosure; but he did not consent to more than that.

I wonder ?
July 23, 2020 10:20 am

So interesting !
I got incompatible results from Dor Yeshorim with a very nice women who spent a long time explaining me the full details what it really means. She also gave me her name & ext to call back if I would have any further questions.
I wonder if ?

Keeping up with the times
July 23, 2020 12:44 pm

What is this nonsense about DY not adding diseases to avoid a stigma? This is such an old school thought. Why would I want to be tested for fewer diseases when there is so much more available these days? There is no shame in being a carrier. Just because you turn a blind eye to more advanced testing, doesn’t change your DNA and mean that your future kids will be fine.

To keep in mind
July 23, 2020 1:28 pm

Not all diseases that DY tests for are deadly. There are diseases for which treatment is now available and children can live to adulthood. For example the treatment for CF has really advanced and it’s now a manageable condition. I know, nobody wants to knowingly give birth to a child who will suffer even if they will ultimately survive. I’m not quite sure that’s a good reason to break a shidduch. So definitely the couple should be aware of what disease they’re a carrier for and what the implications are for future children.

CF Treatment
Reply to  To keep in mind
July 24, 2020 1:49 am

Correct there are treatments but they’re still developing and there are complications. A parent would not knowingly put their child in a situation where breathing can be difficult and other complications associated with CF.

July 23, 2020 2:08 pm

it’s true that dor yeshorim doesn’t test as many as jscreen, yet they test way more then they tested 10 and 20 years ago. one of the reasons that they don’t tell you the results, is because all of these diseases are only a problem to have if you are not compatible with your other half. so someone can have disease ABC and live a healthy lifestyle with no side effect of being a carrier. should she marry someone who is not compatible, then they can ch’v have a sick child. being that we live in a frum community and… Read more »

Privacy Concern
July 23, 2020 5:07 pm

You should definitely check before starting to date, to avoid any possible heartbreak later on.
I do think however that part of the reason Dor Yesharim does not share specific information, is because in some way it could violate the privacy of the second party. By doing additional testing now you can also assume what your potential partner was a carrier for as well, which is what For Yesharim is trying to avoid.

July 23, 2020 5:28 pm

Years ago, it was just Tay-Sachs disease being tested for. We are now fortunate enough to have extensive advancements for new diseases so I’m all for knowing more. It seems wrong to only offer such a small panel of diseases.

A fellow carrier who found out the hard way
July 24, 2020 9:41 am

Thank you for sharing your story! This is an extremely important issue, particularly in the Jewish community due to our higher probability of being carriers of certain genetic diseases. I highly commend you on your attitude and approach to this news and the actions you took, despite the very real fears that come with this situation and the highly painful consequences… As a community, and as individuals bringing children into this world who will benefit or suffer based on the decisions we make, it is IMPERATIVE that we educate ourselves on issues such as these and do the right testing… Read more »

By the way...
July 25, 2020 2:49 pm

It’s important to note that the testing is imperative no matter what your background. We know a couple who R”L had a child with Tay-Sachs, who passed away at age 13–and the mother is a Giyores from an Asian country.

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