In these turbulent times, when the Middle East is literally on fire with missiles from modern-day Persia and fighter planes from Israel, we fervently affirm our spiritual link to Mount Sinai, celebrated recently on Shavuot, and the physical victory over our enemies, celebrated earlier on Purim. The Avner Institute presents stern letters of advice to parents on raising a Jewish child’s self-esteem and conduct, with the Rebbe’s emphasis on Torah learning in developing that child’s Divine soul and path in life.
In loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”h
“Role of leadership”
Change of environment, change of behavior: positive outlets for a difficult child.
By the Grace of G-d
5 Teves 5745
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
Your letter of the 19th of Kislev, with enclosures, reached me just now.
Needless to say, to make an evaluation of a situation overseas is very difficult, especially in a letter. However, this is not really necessary, seeing that you have been in consultation with competent people, and you will no doubt continue to do so. Therefore, I can only make some general observations.
First of all, you surely know that nowadays such problems with children are very common, and, in fact, probably in the overwhelming majority, although, of course, not all problems are of the same degree, or in the same domain. I say this advisedly, for it seems from your writing that you are overly anxious, for which there is no real reason.
Usually, the final decision as to how to deal with children who have such problems lies with the administration of the school, after discussing the situation with the parents and being advised of the way the child is handled at home. The reasons are understandable, since, firstly, the administration is more objective than a parent can be. Secondly, they are also more experienced in such problems, in as much as they deal with many children. And, after all, the parents can also express their opinion to help arrive at the best decision.
It is also well to bear in mind that a significant number of such problems are usually straightened out in the course of time through the contact that the child has with other children and with the teacher and parents, because a child especially (subconsciously) responds to the environment and to the persons with whom the child is in constant contact.
What surprises me is that there is a factor in the situation which is rarely, if ever, used. This is to give a problem child a role of leadership with a group of younger children, through some school activity and the like. This usually goes a long way to encourage the child’s self-confidence, as well as making the child more sociable, etc. I trust that this method could be used also in your situation – of course with the approval, and under the supervision, of the school administration.
The above will surely suffice for you and your husband to discuss the suggestions with the administration, to whom you may, of course, show this letter. I have strong confidence that the results in regard to each and all of your children will be gratifying.
As for the specific problem, whether he should repeat his grade at school, or be promoted to a higher grade – this, as mentioned above, is a decision which should be made by the school administration. I would like to add, however, that to pressure the administration in one particular direction is sometimes counterproductive. On the other hand, parents can surely suggest, if they feel strongly about it, that the child be promoted tentatively, for a trial period.
No doubt you know that the date of your letter, the 19th of Kislev, is a very auspicious day, being the Anniversary of the Geulah [Liberaton] of the Alter Rebbe, Founder of Chabad, who has left a legacy of blessings for all those who follow his teachings, especially in the area of Chinuch [education]. May this add a further measure of Hatzlacha [success] also to you and all yours.
With blessing,
[signature]
“Eternal and always relevant”
We will do, then we will understand: acceptance of Torah commandments as the basis for education.
By the Grace of G-d
Erev Purim 5729
Brooklyn, NY
Greeting and Blessing:
I was pleasantly surprised to note in your editorial column in the issue of February 28th excerpts of letters from your son, as well as the spirit of your commentaries in this connection. Inasmuch as there is no end to the good, I trust that there will be a continuity in this direction and that, moreover, the good influence of your son will create a chain reaction infecting and affecting all the members of the family.
I am reminded of the well-known verse (end of Malachi), “And he (Elijah) will turn the heart of parents to the children,” which, according to [commentator] Rashi, means “Through the children – he will induce the children, with love and good will, to go and speak to their parents to follow in the ways of G-d.” And although I trust that in any case the parents are following the way of G-d, there is, as mentioned above, no end to the good, and always room for improvement in all matters of goodness and holiness, which are infinite, since they derive from the Infinite.
You and your wife are particularly privileged in that each of you has a substantial circle of readers, a considerable number of whom undoubtedly are influenced by your writings. Clearly, Divine Providence has bestowed upon you also a special responsibility. There is surely no need to elaborate on this to you.
May G-d grant that everything should be in accordance with the text and spirit of the Megilla – “For the Jews there was light, joy, gladness and honor,” in the fullest sense of these meaningful words.
Wishing you and yours a happy and inspiring Purim,
With blessing,
[signature]
P.S. In accordance with custom to offer a comment on a printed word, I will take the liberty to do so also in reference to the above-mentioned editorial, all the more so to avoid a misunderstanding that I fully agree with all that was said there. I trust you will not take amiss my remarks.
I wish to take issue with you in the matter of your youngest daughter who, as your write, is eleven years old, and resisted started Hebrew school, but you “did not force the issue.” You can well imagine my reaction to this. For surely, if your eleven-year- old daughter would have resisted going to school altogether, you would have found it necessary to “force” the issue – if the term “force” can be applied here.
Certainly, insofar as a Jewish child is concerned, her Hebrew education is at least as important to her as a general education. This has been generally recognized throughout the ages, but it should be particularly recognized in our own day and age. For we have seen many of the greatest and saintliest of our people exterminated by a vicious enemy. Consequently, all of us who have been fortunate enough to survive must make up for this tremendous loss.
On the other hand, the forces of complete assimilation have grown much stronger in the free and democratic countries. Worse still, in recent years assimilation has found expression not only with another people, but very often with such groups which have discarded all pretenses to morality and ethics, etc., etc.
You may consider my reference to your daughter’s attitude, and to your attitude in this connection, no longer relevant, since you write that she has agreed to begin Hebrew school, though you immediately point out (with apparent satisfaction) that the method of instruction is “Habet U’shma” [listening] – a system which obviously does not aim to lead to “Va’aseh [doing].” Surely there is no need to emphasize to you that fact that when the Torah was given to our people, “Naaseh” [we shall do] was not only a condition of acceptance of the Torah, but a prior condition – “Naaseh” before “v’Nishmah” [understand]. Our Sages of blessed memory pointed out that Jewish identity and the very basis of Jewish existence, for the individual as well as for the people as a whole, lies in this great principle of “Naaseh” before“v’Nishmah.” Certainly, this is the way to train and educate a Jewish child.
To refer, again, to the Megillah at this time on the eve of Purim, we note that Haman argued, “There is one people, dispersed and divided among the nations, and their laws are different from those of any other people. Therefore, it is not worth for the king to spare them.”
Indeed, there were then, as there have been at all times, misguided individuals or groups who shared Haman’s view that the trouble with Jews was their separate identity and otherliness, and that the only solution is to do away with Jewish identity and separateness, and to assimilate.
However, the truth of the matter is, as we see also from the events related in the Megillah, that in order to avert the threat of Haman, Esther and Mordechai ordered the gathering of all the Jews together to emphasize their identity and strengthen their observance of their “different laws”…[raising] the esteem and respect of the Jews in the eyes of their former enemies, to the extent that Mordechai the Jew who “did not bend his knee nor bow down,” became the Viceroy of the entire Persian empire.
Since the Torah is eternal, and the Megillah is part of the Torah, its message is eternal and always relevant. Thus, what was true for the Jews and their destiny in the days of Mordechai and Esther is true for the Jews in the USA and the Holy Land and elsewhere.
And just as the Jews could not take comfort and security from the fact that they had some influence at the Court through Esther the Queen, and Mordechai who had access to the Palace, which did not stop the enemies of the Jews from plotting the extermination of the Jewish people, so nowadays Jews cannot rely on any influence they can muster in the capitals of the world. But, in the final analysis, it is the Jewish adherence to the Torah and Mitzvoth – the source of their life and strength, that will topple all Hamans and bring “Light, joy, gladness and honor.”
It is not my custom to engage in homiletics, etc. The hope and the purpose of the above observations is a practical one, namely that the curriculum of your youngest daughter, as well as of all the family, will not be limited to “Habet U’shma,” but will also include “Aseh” [do] and, indeed, the basic Jewish approach of doing before even understanding. May G-d grant you and your wife true Yiddish Nachas from all your children.
“They have the potential”
Proper training methods: on a Divine soul waiting to be revealed and molded.
By the Grace of G-d
In the Days of Chanukah 5721
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Greeting and Blessing:
I received your letter, in which you ask my advice with regard to certain educational problems, especially how to influence the children to get rid of undesirable habits, etc.
Needless to say, these problems cannot be adequately discussed in a letter. However, experienced teachers and educators are usually their own best guides, for, as the saying goes, “None is wiser than the man of experience.” Besides, it is difficult to give advice from the distance, especially as the psychology of children may vary in certain aspects from one country to another. Nevertheless, I would like to make one general point which can be universally applied in educational problems, a point which is emphasized in the teachings of Chassidus.
I refer to the effort to make the children aware that they possess a soul which is a part of G-d, and that they are always in the presence of G-d (as explained in Chapters 2 and 41 of the Tanya). When this is done persistently, and on a level which is suitable to the age group and background of the children, the children come to realize that they possess a great and holy quality which is directly linked with G-d, the Creator and Master of the world, and that it would therefore be quite unbecoming and unworthy of them to do anything which is not good. At the same time they come to realize that they have the potential to overcome temptation or difficulty, and if they would only make a little effort on their part they would receive considerable assistance from On High to live up to the Torah and Mitzvoth, which constitute the will and wisdom of G-d.
As for the problem of some children having a habit of taking things not belonging to them, this may fall into one of two categories:
The attitude mentioned in the Mishnah in Ethics of the Fathers: “Mine is thine and thine is mine.” In this case the effort should be made to educate the child that just as it is necessary to be careful not to offend or shame another person, so it is necessary to be careful not to touch anything belonging to somebody else.
An unhealthy condition which should be treated medically by specialists who know how to handle such an aberration.
I would like to add one more point, which is also emphasized in the teachings of Chassidus, namely, to be careful that in admonishing children the teacher or parent should not evoke a sense of helplessness and despondency on the part of the child; in other words, the child should not get the impression that he is good-for-nothing and that all is lost, etc., and that therefore he can continue to do as he wishes. On the contrary, the child should always be encouraged in the feeling that he is capable of overcoming his difficulties and that it is only a matter of will and determination.
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Wow !! What precious and important letters!!
How our Rebbe guides us constantly.
Ashreinu.