Helping Hand
The Avner Institute presents the Rebbe’s comforting letter to a lonely, insecure young woman in need of uplift, and his cheerful but sensible advice: renew her faith, approach major life decisions carefully, and — above all — to seek out the company of others.
Dedicated in memory of loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”h
“To feel a sense of confusion”
By the Grace of G-d
Blessing and Greeting:
After not hearing from you for a long time, I received your letter in close proximity to the Yomim Tovim, together with a great deal of other mail, and it is only now that I am beginning to answer the letters. This is why my acknowledgment of your letter has also been unavoidably delayed.
Your letter is a composition of many topics, each of which would require a long letter to deal with. Moreover, a letter is not at all the proper medium to discuss such topics. Your letter presents the further difficulty that it has obviously been written in a state of agitation and confusion, as you write at the beginning of your letter.
Nevertheless, I will attempt to reply briefly to a point raised at the beginning of your letter, and one at the end. I do not know if you intended it so, but the fact is that the first point is of a general nature, and the last point of a personal nature, and the others are somewhere in between.
Fundamental Difference
In the first point you question the difference between other religions and that of the Jewish religion. Now, this question has been discussed at length in many books and pamphlets. I can only quote one point, which emphasizes the radical difference between our religion and all others. In all other religions, especially those which are more prevalent in the USA, namely Christianity and Islam, the religion itself bases its tradition and origin in a single individual (Mohammed) or several individuals (the Christian Apostles, and here too eventually on one person, Paul, or the founder). The same is true of Buddhism, which was founded by one individual, Buddha, etc. I emphasize again that these religions themselves and their followers admit that their religions were so founded.
On the other hand, the Jewish religion goes back to the Revelation at Mount Sinai (in which, by the way, the Christians and Moslems also believe) which took place in the presence of 600,000 adult men, not including women, children and old folk, all of whom would amount to several million. The said difference is a very fundamental one, for where the origin is claimed to be based on a single individual or a group of individuals, one can argue that there was human error involved, or even conspiracy, etc.
No such argument can be made in regard to the Divine Revelation at Mount Sinai in the presence of the entire Jewish people – an experience which was transmitted from parents to children, in an unbroken chain of tradition, to the present day. This is why the Great Teacher, the Rambam, described this experience in the following terms: “Our own eyes saw, and not a stranger’s, and our own ears heard and not others.”
Risky Business
Now to turn to your personal problem, which concerns your acquaintance with a certain individual, with whom you seem to find an affinity and closeness, to the extent of apparently thinking about it in serious terms.
Let me first of all say what is obvious, that when a person is confused, and certainly when one realizes that he is confused, one should not make a step which would bind one for years; not to mention such as a shidduch [marriage partner], which is for life.
I would also like to remind you that even under the best of circumstances a marriage between two individuals always has an element of risk insofar as eventual adjustment is concerned, even if both are of an identical background. Obviously two acquaintances who meet occasionally, generally under happy circumstances, and in a conducive frame of mind, may consider themselves compatible. It is different, however, when the same two individuals get married and are thrown together under one roof for 24 hours, day after day, and week after week, etc. In such a case a serious and painstaking adjustment is required.
Add to this the difficulties and crises which are likely to arise, putting a strain on the best of nerves and a severe test on one’s patience, etc., which could bring about a complete breakdown in the process of adjustment. How much more so if two individuals come from quite different backgrounds with different upbringings and experiences, as in the case of your acquaintance? (As you describe him, it is obvious that he is from a totally different background.)
Under such circumstances it would seem quite irrational, and even unjust, for one to involve the other party in a lifelong unhappy alliance, or even to continue to promote an acquaintance which might lead the other to the idea of making such an alliance. To the contrary, if there is really any true feeling for the other party, one would wish to spare the other from a possible, nay likely, misfortune, and make sure that there could be no mistake about it in the mind of the other party.
Point of Contact
I would like to add a further point: though this is not one on which you ask my opinion, nevertheless I am impelled to express my view on it. It is in reference to your stating that you have always been a loner, and do not feel close to anybody, from which you seem to conclude that once again you may have to make up your mind all by yourself.
As you realize, and this is obvious also from your letter, it is not a healthy thing to be a loner, and this obviously has added to your confusion, as you mention in your letter. If one does not feel a particular closeness to one’s own family, it is at least necessary to find such contact with persons of one’s own age and background, more or less, since such persons must have gone through life and experienced the same general situations, allowing, of course, for individual cases.
In view of this, it would be my advice to you to enter Stern College in New York City, provided there is such a possibility, and to enter it precisely with the idea of dorming there among girls of your own age and background.
As for your present college attendance, though I am not familiar with the specific aspects of the College of Arts in Boston, I assume that such colleges are more or less the same everywhere, including Paris, Berlin and New York, with which I am more familiar. Consequently, the students in these colleges are generally also of the same type, more or less.
If so, it seems to me that the students whom you meet in your present college are extremely unsuitable associates for a young person who considers herself confused and still has to find herself, etc. For the confusion prevailing in the minds of most students in such a college with regard to life and the real values in life are so extensive and prevalent as to be exceeded, or perhaps even matched, only by students in departments of philosophy and comparative religion.
You will notice that I have been discussing the matter only from a purely psychological and practical standpoint, without entering into the religious consideration.
Helping Hand
In conclusion, I would again like to volunteer an observation, though this time in a different vein. It is that you should not be so downhearted, since it is not unusual for young persons of your age to feel a sense of confusion, or even frustration. One need only pity those who refuse to accept a helping hand from near and dear ones, including parents.
I do not mean that one must readily submit to a parental dictatorship, but this does not mean that one should always reject parental and help; and eventually things straighten themselves out. Of course, living in a conducive atmosphere, well-ordered and disciplined, and with the willingness to accept certain matters on authority, without questioning everything from A to Z until one has been able to personally delve into all these matters – which is impossible – all this would go a long way to improve the situation.
May G-d, whose benevolent Divine Providence extends to everyone individually, lead you in the way that is truly good for you.
With blessing,
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