To the Mechanchos and Teachers of the Lubavitch community,
We are your typical Lubavitch, “Chassidish” high school girls. We cannot talk for the younger girls or Yeshiva boys (although we assume their situation is similar), so we will only talk from our own experience.
To the outside, we are the girls who Daven, learn, say Chitas, and Farbreng. Until recently this was our genuine reality.
Then COVID lockdown came. Suddenly, we had unlimited free time on our hands. Though we have filters on our phones/tablets/computers, we started to explore. Whether it was Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, or other platforms, we were spending enormous amounts of time exposing ourselves.
Yes, we did say we have filters, but the stronger the filter, the more creative we became. So, we found our way around our filters. We felt guilty at first, but then the line between what was okay and what wasn’t started to blur. Some of us became addicted, others did it for entertainment. Each of us did it alone, thinking that we alone were the bad girls pretending to be all Frum. We never imagined that our friends were going through the exact same battle. We constantly had the guilt of not acting as we always did and should.
It’s only now, after emerging from our lockdown, that we are struck with the realization that we, along with our friends, are not the same girls we were when we left school last Adar.
It’s been 7 months, and now we return to you, our teachers and Mechanchos. We are not the same. One cannot erase from one’s mind the videos, pictures, and songs. We are ashamed of who we’ve become, yet this is our new reality.
On the outside, we are your top students, who learn still learn Sichos and Maamarim. We plan on going to the “best” seminaries. Since we came back to school, and as time goes on, we find out that more of us are in the same boat than not. We are afraid that our facade will soon fade, but at what cost?
Don’t blame our parents. They aren’t in control of what we listen to and watch, although some try.
This is the challenge 2020 teenagers are going through. We don’t know how to proceed. We don’t know how to get ourselves out of this or who to turn to. We can’t ask our teachers point-blank since that would change how they view us. Also, most of them are clueless of this new challenge and would not know what to say even if we asked.
We’re writing this to raise awareness among educators, and to ask that you please address this issue. We’re taking a big step and asking for help.
Will YOU take action?
Learn chasidus and start living with it connect to the rebbe and you will see things in A VERY different light
It’s not taught in a way that they can connect. They need young teachers who make it practical for them
Not necessarily young teachers, rather open minded.
I would dare to suggest this is not just teenagers, but also young adults and single girls in their 20s. Such an important message!!! This is all too true! To all those consumed by guilt and disappointment in yourself-you are not alone!
And not single boys?
Married people aren’t perfect either.
The difference between single people and married people is that singles fear that they are ruining themselves and their future. The guilt is enormous. While married people also feel guilt, imh some of their future is already secured, and the perceived consequences of their actions shrink.
No, they are not. But as she pointed out, this came about as a result of “unlimited free time on our hands” families with kids at home, specially young kids, did not have more free time on their hands, quite the opposite.
We know.
We are not ashamed of you.
We dont look down on you.
We dont blame you.
We know it’s been rough.
We arent judging you.
We’re proud of you.
We’re here to support you and help you in any way you need to process and move forward and live the life you want to live.
We are here for you.
I may not be able to speak for all, But definitely Most teachers are aware of this issue!
We are definitely trying to be here for our students, and by speaking up, you’ve made the first step of being open to the guidance and support we’d love to offer.
The teenagers today have so much to offer n are truly amazing!
thank you so much for writing this!
aseh tov is very good, but there needs to be training in sur mera! we need to teach people the severety of aveiros.
The way of being Sur Meirah is through Asei Tov. Most people know the severity of what they are doing.
Acknowledging that you did something wrong and wanting to find a way to change direction is a big deal. That is something that people close to the teenager can be proud of. It’s not like these kids threw in the towel, they are clearly trying to get back on track after stumbling.
Sorry to disappoint you
But that way of thinking worked well in previous generations Today we have to embrace ONLY positive
The Rebbe said it few times to mechanchim
I’m crying from this response.
Dear teenager,
We love you.
This is a difficult time for everyone and you are doing the best you can.
Being Jewish and frum is not all or nothing deal. You are a special neshama and HaShem adores you.
Absolutely adores you.
It’s okay. You are okay. You can work on yourself but don’t hurt yourself. You are goodness.
I heard that a CH organization Neshamos was established to help our kids… http://www.neshamos.org Hotline: 646-580-9842. See this recent post on ColLive: https://collive.com/shliach-who-survived-child-abuse-still-has-tough-days/
“Where there is no water, snakes and scorpions are found”
Its time to fill up on water, and immerse ourselves in Torah.
The more we exert our passions and energies in positive directions, the better results we will see, and everything will heal on its own.
Also, don’t forget to write to the Rebbe.
https://www.ohelchabad.org/templates/articlecco_cdo/aid/78453/jewish/Send-A-Letter-Online.htm
I BH have the opportunity to help many Bochurim. In general you are correct and that is the Rebbes approach. At the same time when someone is suffering, he must seek help for the specific issue. The problem is, TEACHERS AREN’T educated enough to help. They just want their students to come ask for help only to respond with no answers to their questions!
Thank you for coming out and saying that. After reading information from noted psychologists: they really have a deep understanding of the situation and answers to complicated answers that our mechanchim/os just are not trained to have. Nothing wrong with that. Mechanchim and mechanchos are not trained to deal with today’s complicated issues. Of course we need to be discreet in our choices of the help we seek for our children, but even the Rebbeim went to seek information beyond the rabbonim’s, yeshivas’ and shuls’ doors.
Teachers and mechanchos should be trained! This is the reality for today’s teens, and a wide spread issue. In order to teach properly, one must connect to their students. Schools should learn about this new reality and give their teachers the tools to help us.
I never had the template to write the rebbe and didnt know how to get it. Thank you You should try davening in your own words and ask Hashem for help. This really helps as Hashem for sure will help you. I know from experience There are so many wonderful rabbis who give classes on the internet like rabbi simon jacobson and rabbi yy jacobson and rabbi paltiel. There are fabrengens and stories of the rebbe from rabbi laibel groner. I also am spending more time on the internet but its listening to torah classes. That way you change over… Read more »
Sounds like a teacher writing. In any case….
Ashamed? Usually not.
The main thing is what you do.
Welcome to the daily bainenie battle.
Hatzlocha
This is for sure a fellow teen writing…I read it in the exact words I would have written. This is so true and for all of us!
What exactly makes this true?
Yes, agree
Being that you are above the age of bas mitzva, (and bar mitzva) the only one who can make a change is you. And you are still a yid and a chaisda, with freedom of choice. The advice is what the Gemara says, that work and Torah keep a person away from trouble. With the extra time on your hands, learn a hobby such a music, art or maybe a new language. If you have the gift of clarify, make chassidishe memes, if you have a good voice then make songs, it doesn’t need to be professional. Ask your parents… Read more »
I think this is an issue which has been brewing for some time now.. and covid enlarged it
Yea but I wouldn’t say covid enlarged it, I would say Cuomo made it worse
Much much more girls were affected now
I cried when I read this. It is no one’s fault and know one should point fingers at anyone. It is so hard because you become more and more desensitized until you realize you have changed so much. Please please help our girls it is such a huge challenge, everything is so accessible today.
we can all help our kids by being a good example, we all know the challenge, but we must help ourselves in order to help them. Maybe when our kids see we give up our beloved [and I don’t mean it in a bad way, the fact is we become very attached to them] smartphones or social media or both, we will be an inspiration to them ourselves.
Unfortunately same for the top yeshiva bachurim…
please this is probably the most difficult time in history of Am Yisroel and children’s Anoshim Noshim and yes even TAF!!!!
You can have a long beard , the most Medhuferdike Teffilin and Batim and Mezuzois…and you can fall sooo low!
This is not just GIRLS, it is not in the nature of a girl, as much as in boys and men .
And people un intentionally start and cant get out…..like a rope around your neck, until you get caught or ruins your MARRIAGE!!!!!!
Yes, yes and yes. And I don’t think this started with lockdown.
Girls: You can absolutely find teachers that will relate to your issues, because they are human too. You need to open up to somebody. Don’t keep this inside yourself it’s too much for anyone to bear alone.
Teachers: You need to make it known that you are there and that you understand and that you will never betray any trust.
WE NEED MOSHIACH NOW!
The teachers should bring up the topic in class discussions
Dont close the schools at all costs!!
This is also real pikuach nefesh!! Doesnt anyone get it???
We close down the whole city for the few vulnerable, but what about the 100s and 100s of kids whose lives are also at stake??
This situation makes me cry. Doesn’t anyone realize by now that closing the schools/kicking children out, is HORIBBLE for their Ruchniyus health!! It ruins them! Children MUST be in school!
(And saying that its to protect physical health won’t help. Because this virus ain’t dangerous for children. And we all know that)
Hello this has been going on for years already! People on the outside looking all frum and Chassidish but then doing kol davar assur on their phones…
Welcome to realty…
In the last few months there’s been a huge rise due to it being SO accessible and easy.
aveiros that one does, doesn’t make that his/her reality, the reality of a yid is the neshama and what it wants to do, which is connecting to hashem and doing what he wants. if people would only realise this, they wouldn’t just go after they did some garbage and say “shoots, i messed up, now this is the new me, let me do more…”, NO! that’s only something you DID, it isn’t YOU! and yes, you can be a chassidisher bochur or girl and still have challenges no matter how bad they are(thats kinda part of life as a jew/beinuni…),… Read more »
So Why isn’t the Beis Din or some support group guiding ppl how to best protect themselves? Why is there no psak din from the CH BD that students shouldn’t have smartphones – exactly like in every other frum community? why is there such a gaping lack of guidelines and public acknowledgement of the problem? [I didn’t say public awareness but acknowledgement]. Most Importantly Why isn’t there a line out the door of CH TAG office??
Try to see if you can answer these questions without using the words “Today” “These times” “Everyone” “Reality”…
I think we have to take a deep look into ourself as community. other frum communities tackled the Technology issues so much smarter and more effective .And we in the name of chassidus, mivzoim,dirog betachtoinim justified using these dangerous phones for minors .
Why Is acceptable for a teenager Bochur
to have a smart phone
No one is saying it’s acceptable for a teenager to have a smartphone, it’s the reality, if they want one there’s nothing that can stop them (and which teenager doesn’t want one….)
Being honest about reality, there would be much less bochurim and girls with phones if it weren’t the accepted norm.
Um… In other frum communities there are the same teenagers with same temptations and human weaknesses and it’s being handled much more effectively…
I dont think it sld have been acceptable for teens to have phones, but too late anyway 😉
But as for the reason why Lubavitch doesnt view them in the same way as others, it is because the whole view of Chassidus/the Rebbe in general.
Tell me, you ever heard the Rebbe saying it’s too late to fix something? especially a fellow Yid! How much more so an entire community! every other community thought so too until someone did something and Wow! Yidden are better then you’d imagine! They want to be good!
they will find it anywhere.
any cafe has interntet use…
Copy Center has one… do as you please
The question is not why is it acceptable for teens to have smartphones. There’s nothing that can take that general acceptance away. Now we need to rephrase the question to be how can we guide and motivate our students to use there smartphone in a proper way.
Completely right
I am a chassidish high school girl and also thought of writing this article. This cant be more true. Thank you for coming out and saying what weve all been going through. Being back in school I see how we are not the same girls. Teachers: Keep this in mind when you teach us and help us back to where we were.
I’m a 770 bochur, and related to this issue b4 corona.
I admire you totally for having shared what is happening…this is what a chasidus is all about…being honest with your difficulty and finding mashpiim to guide you there are amazing mashpiim out there and id love to hope they will be available for you. make a melaveh malka with your friends with a mashpia, a gathering etc… a great way is to go to shiurim for baalei tshuve, there things are explained very down to earth for the girls to be able to understand and access the avoido hatzlocho rabo and may we be zoiche to see you girls, as… Read more »
If you are in still in high school, you really shouldn’t be exposing yourself on the internet.
Words of wisdom
Thanks , Sherlock
duh!:(
Now you will really understand all the Jewish public school girls who Have lived and live like this normally everyday, ( ( some even putting all this into their Peer pressure actions)not knowing that there are other options for how it is possible for a Jewish girl to delight into living like you are taught. POTENTIAL BALAS TESHUVAHS OUT THERE ONLY YOU CAN NOW TRULY UNDERSTAND AND WILL BE ABLE TO REACH THEM AS ONLY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO! The big questionS for YPU are HOW? Maybe CTEENS involvements I’m some ways? Parents and teachers do sadly understand and… Read more »
Writing this letter shows an immense strength of character fighting for who you want to become, and not keeping it quiet between yourself but taking the plunge to ask on behalf of everyone.
Thank you.
I felt the same way! And then u had the opportunity to go to BJJ, my world has changed, its a better place! I learnt how to make all the chassidishkeit practical and to love it. I learnt how to rise about the temptations. No doubt Covid quarantine was a crazy challenge for us teens, but we can overcome it!
I’m not longer in any system. I’m in my young 20’s and can relate to this all too well. All this quarantine really brought a lot of challenges on me and many that I didn’t face successfully. It started with just wasting time on my phone, but it went further. I began talking to boys on social media. This brought me to being more lax which obviously which affected my sensitivity. I began being more “chill” around boys which led to talking to them. My Tznius went down. My inspiration bucket is down. When before I’d relatively “easy” find ways… Read more »
You are going through a struggle that I can totally relate to not too far back… Baruch HaShem I am now the proud wife and mother of a beautiful, happy Chassidish family. I PROMISE you, you can get past this. The darker the struggle, the more bright the light is afterwards. The more resistance you feel, the more precious every good deed is to Hashem. What helped me tremendously was putting myself around the people I knew were right for me, getting a mashpia (HUGE one) knowing where I wanted to see myself, and most importantly, connecting to the Rebbe.… Read more »
Writing to the Rebbe, will change yo ur life. Don’t leave things out, be honest. Tell the Rebbe everything. You’d be surprised at how this can change you. When you write to the Rebbe, you begin to put yourself in the Rebbe’s perspective. In other circles, writing down your problems to someone would be looked down upon. Why would you tell some great person about all the sins you did?!? Ashreinu! We do have a Rebbe and he is there for us. He wants us to write and is there for us in our lowest times. Write to the Rebbe,… Read more »
Those hours spent online watching and involving in things to pass the time and as a distraction will have a lasting impact. Covid also brought out a lot of emotional issues that a lot of girls have that are unaddressed. Spending hours on phone is a distraction and unhealthy coping method that brought teens to places they are filled with with guilt for. We need to reach out to each one as an individual and as a whole. They have so much to give and so much to share, let’s not lose them! As someone involved in Chinuch I have… Read more »
As nice as it is to hear so many teachers and parents being supportive, I can’t help but feel a pressure and that I’m going to be or am being judged. In my school I’m the frum one. Truth is I struggle with chitas and have watched and listened to non jewish media. Being quarantined not only made thee issues blow up, but it made me cold to the change. It’s been seven months of being home. What am I going to say on my seminary application when they ask if I say chitas? In general us youth struggle with… Read more »
As a mother of little kids (and considered very chassidish), I struggle with saying shema and shemoneh esreh of shacharis never mind chitas.
Saying chita is inspirational and way to be mekushar, but it’s not a sin if you leave it out. Focus on getting re-inspired and let go of the guilt.
intervention and creative and fun ways to bring out the girls talents!
If girls are busy with worthwhile projects they will have no time to be involved with garbage. Proper intervention + projects will help alot!
even though the issues themselves are real issues that people of ages can face
What difference does it make if it wasn’t actually penned by a teen? It’s the struggle so many of us have, and this brings awareness, which is the seed of solution.
Thank you so much for writing this and putting my thoughts into words. To all those teachers reading this, please don’t hesitate to forward to your colleagues. Every mechanech out there must read and practically do something to help.
Is not all or nothing,start with something small,u can just start with listening:
Chitasforkids.com
Get very very busy with good things.
Ask rabbi manis friedman to meet with a group of you. If you explored the torah classes on the internet you would see he is an excellent person to help with this for both women and men. Please contact him to address this
You will have to find a wealthy sponsor 😉
That’s true. But, there are wonderful people, organizations, and Kerens that help with. It’s worth seeking that help, the sooner the better!
Don’t look at this as a hopeless challenge. The fact that you began doing things you don’t want to do during quarantine means it wasn’t a personal choice to not do it before. It was because you were busy with school or were following a school rule or felt inspired by a farbrengen. That is not a sustainable way to be frum. Everyone needs to personally take yiddishkeit upon themselves, and slowly build themselves up. Watching non Jewish media does not make you a bad person or a bad Jew, or any of those guilt inducing labels. This is an… Read more »
Of course we want to work on having a realer and better connection with Hashem. It is unfair tho to say that it wasnt a personal choice before. It was for some girls. It wasnt just because we were busy or felt peer pressure, these things were things we didnt want to do and guarded ourselves from. We worked on ourselves in different areas. For many girls in quarantine though, the loneliness or boredom was too much. Many girls thrive in an environment with friends and positivity. Of course now our challenge is to work on ourselves even more and… Read more »
Nowadays, one must always stay connected to a frum environment. It’s not enough to say we must choose it for ourselves, we are at an age and stage that we need constant direction from our schools and teachers. And although this isn’t a hopeless challenge, during lockdown it definitely felt like it.
Kol ha kovod to the writer and many of those who can relate to the challenges we all face. Rather than obsessing and focusing on guilt for not being perfect with todays tech challenges, think about how today is a New Day and today will be better. Focus on what mitzvos you are doing and think, how can you add to them a little every day. Teenagers BH have a lot of talent and energy and there are a lot of needs in our community such as bikur cholim, families who have someone in the hospital need extra help with… Read more »
We all know the famous line, “nature abhors a vacuum” but this really is a very very profound line, because we, our minds and our hearts will never be in a vacuum, it’s only a question of what we choose to be occupied with – as I mentioned, the Rebbe says in the very first Basi Ligani (so its a thorough appeal to the new generation) that when times are nuts – the only way you can withstand the powerful urge – is to go with a greater strength in the right way
kids see their parents, teachers, rebbe, therapist, bus driver, bus monitor, babysitter, and nearly every person staring at their phone all day. we as yidden should value our time and our chidlrens time. its not just content, its the distractions and literally giving kids a feeling that the most important thing is a phone.
You will beat this and you will be able to help others because of your struggle. That said you write yourself that you’re not alone in this struggle, you have friends going through the same thing, these things grow in the dark and bringing light to the issue is a powerful way to arrest it. Thankfully it’s not difficult to realize the emptiness of a tiktok binge v’chulu and the feeling after. That feeling can either feed itself and cause a downward spiral or that feeling can be the catalyst towards strength/healing. This is the type of struggle you’ve been… Read more »
To the author;
As a parent, all I can say is I have full confidence in today’s youth to pull through, as they are resilient, and are probably much better prepared than previous generations to endure this challenge. (And yes, my children are very well aware of my opinions)
What a brave and mature, letter.
Its amazing, that you are so aware and that you are reaching out, to spread the awareness!
I really wish you much Hatzlacha in filling up your mind with light, in order ton push away the darkness and shmutz! Never let people pull you down, from standing up for whats right, authentic and needed!
Guardyoureyes.com
our way is not to focus on the problems. as you mentioned, you learn sichos and maamarim, so as life goes on, keep being involved in the right things.
unless you aren’t functioning, like a true addiction, in which case you need tools from a professional.
hatzlacha
I also grew up in that era, and we have to realize, that we can still be chassidim and yorei shomayim even nowadays.
your answer is 100% percent right for an individual but as a community we are doing way behind the red line of what we should be doing to help ourselves. No guidelines, no instruction, no framework, Yet! hopefully this will be a catalyst for real changes with Hashem’s help
Just as much if not more for bochurim. Big question is: can someone post names of professionals these young people can talk to iff they’re involved with things that are really not good or are addicted.. Please please share names of who these precious kids can go for help!!! It’s critical imho and many kids really need help at this point!!
Names and phone numbers or online sites that can help would be a HUGE mitzvah!! Tia! A mother who’s concerned.
Rabbi M lipsker from Sherman Oaks, CA
…tell the story of the person who had a pile of manure in his yard. He decided to rid himself of the bad sight, and of course the bad smell which had already faded substantially with old age in the sun and rain. He took a pitch fork to start dismantling it when an a wise old man told him “Leave it alone. Walk away and ignore it. If you begin to poke around in it, it will release a terrible smell.” Reb Sholom Chaim did not speak in very clear diction, but in telling this story the motions he… Read more »
You’re being a normal teenager. Don’t shame yourself for that.
Happened to me too. Yes, it was fun, like a game, finding ways around the filter. Ultimately, the solution was not to have a computer in the house, and to use a “non-smart’ cell-phone, with total blockage of internet access; went TAG to disable it.
same exact story for me… I thought I’m giving up the world when I did it [and I really was] and guess what?? I got my life back! Family, Friends it was all better then before!
Kudos for taking a step and raising awareness!
There is no shame in using social media. It does not make you a less chassidish or less worthy person. You are very strong for reaching out and asking for guidance!
Thank you for sharing! “Words which come from the heart enter the heart” You said that you and your friends feel that you are not the same good people who left school last Adar. However, in essence, I think you are 🙂 The real “me” is the Neshomo, the Yechida, the Pinteleh Yid. Even if it gets covered over, at times and to an extent, it is always the real “me”. Even when one struggles (really struggle :-/), the struggles do not need to define them 🙂 Instead, I can rise above the struggles, even using the descent that they… Read more »
U know the problem is real. It happens to the best, brightest and sensitive ones. Get help now, as each incident rewires the brain. The longer you are in it, the harder it is to change. There r adults who care. If you don’t know anyone in your school who does, approach as a group, http://www.neshamos.org Its understandable that this happens, as you have feelings, frustrations and fears and you have no idea how to handle. So its easier to move away from the pain and distract yourself. Give yourself a gift. Ask for help today. Get professional help. And… Read more »
Often teachers are not experienced and don’t know enough to help students, or conversely have too much life experience, and are very distant from students. I personally have found having a mashpia to be extremely beneficial throughout my teenage hood. It is not a magic pill, but in my experience, and for many others as well, when one is ready to put in effort, a Mashpia will serve as an anchor. Unlike a teacher, a mashpia has a close and personal relationship with a mushpa, and can give more calculated advice based on each individual. Don’t take it from me,… Read more »
For all teachers and educators who have no problem sending a kid home for ANY reason.
Suspending a child for a few weeks, or a few days, or a few hours, is doing the same thing to them that covid school shutdowns has done to this girl and probably the rest of teens in the system.
Next time you want to send a kid home. Think again. Read this article.
So, if you really need the internet, then it may
be worth the cost of going to a computer rental
place, where the computers are both, filtered and
monitored. Break the rules by accessing inappropriate
sites, first a warning, a second time – account deleted.
Too bad the libraries are closed, where there is no charge
to use those computers. For many, the fact that everyone can
see what you are doing is enough of a deterrent.
We don’t like rules, it makes feel limited, enslaved, “not chassidish”, “not our derech”, “too frum”, we have many GOOD excuses, but the fact remains that they are just that, excuses! They won’t make the problems go away. We as a community need to take a long look in the mirror and come up with guidelines, yes like all other frum communities around the world. Yes, it’s hard, yes, it’s unpopular, but they help, a lot. I, as a teenager, was addicted, HOOKED, on all kinds of online garbage, movies, social media, youtube, the works… Yes, it took lots of… Read more »
Every teacher in a girls high school should read this.
This is so true. Lots of us really have changed. With the right encouragement and discussions with the right people, I think things can get better
Maybe it’s about time to change the standard.
Maybe it’s time we learned that we are capable of readjusting our lives in ways previously thought to be impossible [think COVID 19…].
Maybe it’s time we bring pride to the Rebbe and to Lubavitch by not being so “in” “hip” “forward thinking” and not care what the world says and start living as true Chassidim.
Maybe it’s time that we [yes, we, teenagers] give up our smartphones!
It’s hard and uncomfortable but it’s well worth the effort!
MOSHIACH NOW!!