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Friday, 7 Tishri, 5781
  |  September 25, 2020

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To My Daughter’s Classmates

From the COLlive inbox: A mother writes a painful public letter to the happily married classmates of her daughter. Full Story

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Rabbi Moshe Zvi Reicher, 66, OBM

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Mr y
September 26, 2015 9:41 pm

May this year be a huge sweetness for us ALL.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together
November 2, 2014 10:43 pm

You may have forgotten what a life-changing event getting married and starting a family is. When a girl gets married and has kids, she spends less time with her single friends and more time with other married women with kids. We all seek out people similar to us, especially in social status, so they understand us. It is likely that your daughter’s friends just don’t know that many men who are A) eligible, B) in the right age range, C) in the right hashkafa, AND D) would be a good match. Just because they have a single brother-in-law doesn’t mean… Read more »

A return to the old fashion way
October 30, 2014 8:58 pm

When I was dating in the 60’s , we met on our own. We didn’t have to depend on our friends, not to say that introductions weren’t sometlimes made by friends. There was no such thing as a Shaddchan or a “resume” We attended singles events,. We met in school or at work.We went on singles weekends. We didn’t have to be helped along by a shaddchan There were no shaddchanim at theses events. Also the events were not limited to a select few. The more people who came the better for one’s chances of meeting..At weddings, single men and… Read more »

to 129
October 30, 2014 9:42 am

email the resume to
[email protected]

IMH THIS COULD BE YOUR ANS
October 29, 2014 9:56 pm

Check this out
Taking place in
SHIDDUCHGROUPNETWORK.COM/EVENTS

DARE TO BE SILENT
October 29, 2014 9:50 pm

This mother is just crying for help.
Is this going to be talk.
Or TACHLIS
We need group men/ women
To help these girls.
WE DARE NOT BE SILENT

to#137
October 29, 2014 9:05 pm

Only one comment mention that, so please don’t exaggerate.

Yes!!!
October 29, 2014 6:24 pm

Dear mom.
I fell the same!!
Ad mosai!!

don't add to her pain, help her
October 29, 2014 6:09 pm

To all the people who are writing that the mother of the girl is wrong, that she should be the one responsible to get a shidduch for her daughter, that the mother is wrong to blame her daughters married friends for not getting a shidduch for her daughter… SHAME ON YOU ALL!!! The mother of the girl did not state in her letter that it is the fault of her daughters friends that her daughter is not married!!! She is plainly crying for help. The married friends can certainly spend 10 minutes a day, or perhaps 10 or 15 minutes… Read more »

Really sad
October 29, 2014 12:58 pm

to see how many people wrote that the married friends see what married life is about and want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer. Marriage is supposed to be happy. Not saying it doesn’t take work, but if you don’t want your friends to be married, because you are miserable, then there is something wrong. Kal v’chomer if this is something that is felt by a lot of people in the chevra… Again, I’m not saying that married life is perfect (it’s not, believe me) but I am thankful every day that I have my husband and… Read more »

Email me her resume
October 29, 2014 12:44 pm
Don't know the specifics of case...
October 29, 2014 8:00 am

…and maybe these friends have suggested shidduchim for this woman’s daughter, but the fact is that once a young woman gets married, she often forget about her single friends and joins a different circle.

here's an idea
October 29, 2014 5:21 am

Maybe the married friends see what marriage is all about and they want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer.

To #128
October 28, 2014 10:43 pm

That’s horrible. I’m sorry you had to get married in spite of, rather than with the help of, your mother! It’s crucial for girls (and boys!) to have a Mashpia–who, by definition, is not Nogei’ah B’Davar.

Class 101 on EMPATHY.
October 28, 2014 8:47 pm

Rule 1: Just listen and let whoever is doing the speaking BE HEARD. This mother wants to be heard. Just listen, understand she is going through a hard time. Don’t make judgements or be antagonistic… What is that accomplishing for you or anyone? This scenario may or may not have happened with you , but it HAS happened with this mother, so let her speak her heart out… (For the record, I happen to be a single 28 year old female. The years of pain and grief are behind me (for how long can you be envious of other people… Read more »

to 128
October 28, 2014 3:22 pm

agree one hundred percent!!! a lot of mothers have not a clue what the child really wants, . and it also irks me to no end when and older girls do not make her own phone calls and relies on other people to do it for her. seriously!!, at some point ( in your late 20s and 30s), please stop relying on pple to look into the guy for you. it becomes such a waste of time when someone else has to make phone calls for you and be the middle man. you at this point in your life, (should)… Read more »

A Sisterly Suggestion
October 28, 2014 3:19 pm

It took me years to find my bashert, and, BH, I have a great marriage, about to celebrate our 15th. When I reached a time of unbearable despair, a friend suggested a book called The Rules (not a frum book, but a bestseller). I ran to the bookstore, laughed and cried as I read it in one sitting. I saw myself on every page. I began practicing the techniques and interested men started coming out of the woodwork! A few weeks later I met my husband– he started proposing on our first date! The book makes some very important points… Read more »

we need to create something different
October 28, 2014 2:34 pm

Chevre We need to create something different
Unfortunately some married girls re not happy and this is why would not look for their friends
I have a 21 years old daugther, she is beautiful,she is a great girl, works in Chessed and learns,has money, People don’t look her profile, because they don’t know the family Maybe to make a group for people out of Crown Heights?

Sometimes the mother is the problem.
October 28, 2014 1:26 pm

I found my husband at age 20.5 and my younger sister found hers when she was 23. I had gone on exactly one “proper” shidduch date; my sister was set up [through my mother] with dozens. Both of us ended up with DIY shidduchim…all of her trying to be a good girl didn’t help, because our mother just wasn’t looking for what we needed. She was looking for what she wanted. For goodness’ sake, after wondering whether she should give me the okay, asking her rav, being told that it was a good shidduch, and then us getting engaged –… Read more »

Spoilt for choice?
October 28, 2014 11:20 am

Was it always this difficult to match up frum youngsters and even oldsters back in the day? Is it because it is such a judgemental world out there, and although there is more free flow in the way of choice, contrariwise it is too much of an ‘easy come, easy go’ route. If either party refuses to compromise just a bit on desirable attributes, it might be because there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea’ type of attitude.

Iy"H
October 28, 2014 9:25 am

Many of my daughter’s friends have 5 and 6 kids. This is very painful.

collive
October 28, 2014 8:00 am

Crazy thought, but by reading these comments, there are a lot of older singles.
Just as you have on the side columns, employment, for rent etc why don’t you have simple shedding profiles with an email address for more info?

Sad Sad Sad...
October 28, 2014 3:51 am

I know of many people in the same situation. There is a great Facebook group, although it’s not so busy, perhaps you can look at that. I know some people who have been helped through it. Just a PSA: https://www.facebook.com/groups/635946716449912/

(this is not meant to be an advertisement – it’s a free service meant to help people in dire need)

Let’s all pray that everyone will find their true Basheret soon.

Kallah at 49 B"H
October 28, 2014 1:49 am

The Rebbe gave important advice regarding shidduchim and marriage throughout the years. Anyone involved in any way might want to review this great wisdom and then to follow the Rebbe’s advice. If one is not fluent in Yiddish or Hebrew, a three-volume set, ETERNAL JOY, (which had not been published 15 years ago) will clarify many of the issues expressed by the distraught mother and those who have made comments.
With gratitude to Hashem, the Rebbe, and all dear friends and teachers, may we hear wonderful news soon! All the best.

Perplexed
October 28, 2014 1:04 am

Have come up with ideas for older girls just to have their moms turn down for no good reason. Girls – look for yourself. Maybe mom’s fault you are not married

Don't forget the shadchanim!!
October 28, 2014 12:14 am

Just a reminder to thank the shadchanim who are working or have worked on your child. Send them a gift send them a check send them a thank you card. It goes a long way.they don’t owe anyone anything and are not paid for the time. And of course you will be on their minds more often.

ahavas yisroel for frum yiden residing in crown hights as well
October 27, 2014 11:10 pm

the late scholar and chosid reb moshe aharon geisinsky obm would often say :af al pi shelo choto is also yisroel hu….

to #101
October 27, 2014 10:42 pm

I might know a boy for your daughter (obviously, I don’t know either of you, but I’m basing my suggestion on your description and her age). Email me at [email protected].

YOU People are ICE Cold!!!
October 27, 2014 10:30 pm

Wow, Many of you are terribly condescending–this is a MOTHER in pain. If you have nothing supportive to say simply moooove on! And… to poster 99 the social worker… you made many valid points–however I wish they had come from a place of support and love. Any time a person begins their statement with “I don’t mean to be condescending….” they generally are. I am assuming you are gentler with your clientele.

Sorry, but...
October 27, 2014 10:18 pm

I’m married now for about a year and I ALWAYS think of my friends. I actively suggest people for them and I always follow up and see if things went through or not. A lot of times my friends don’t even know that I was the one to suggest something, because I go straight to a Shadchan and tell them to suggest it for me. I even harass my husband to think of people for my friends! I think it’s extremely unfair to say that married friends forget about their single friends. I am very happily married and I want… Read more »

sympathize however not so simple...
October 27, 2014 9:55 pm

If finding a marriage was so simple there wouldn’t need to be a section on collive called shidduchim sos. I hear what you are saying but in truth neither finding one’s bashert nor ahavas yisroel are easy tasks. On the other hand there are some ways ways in which we complicate this process even more than it must be. By this I mean rejecting possible shidduchim because somebody thinks they are “shpitz” and so “important” but the other doesn’t have “good enough yichus”.

to 106
October 27, 2014 9:16 pm

Check the maturity level of an average 18 year old girl and a 20 year old boy. Tell them to get married….you’d be looking at a divorce crisis.

Dear Mom,
October 27, 2014 9:01 pm

Bitterness won’t help your daughter get married.If I wanted to list my family issues with gezunt,parnasa,frumkait, and that’s just a start,I’d be here all day. It’s up to each of us to work on our emunah and simcha! THIS OPENS THE CHANNELS FOR BRACHAs! Hatzlacha.

read #83 again!
October 27, 2014 8:39 pm

for all those who claim they r doing something ….THE ARTICLE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU! so stop it with the ME ME ME AND ME AGAIN! KEEP ON DOING !! EVERYDAY TAKE 10 MINUTES !

Experienced
October 27, 2014 6:42 pm

As an “older” girl myself I must say that I have thought this very idea many many times over the last 10 or so years of my dating life. To all those who say – “how do u know what people do for you”? Or “it’s not the married friends responsibility” I can tell you this – I am a very social outgoing person who seems to know “everyone” in many different countries (I even am embarrassed at this characterization when people constantly say it to me) . I went to 3 different school, seminaries, day camps etc etc and… Read more »

a father
October 27, 2014 6:37 pm

I pray that this girl and all other girls find their bashert quickly.

to # 14
October 27, 2014 6:33 pm

from ur first comment and second comment, it is clear that u haven’t experienced married life. clearly when people marry, they wake up to life and grow out of their stupidity. I hope that happens to u because ur comment was an embarrassment! how dare you judge someone in a situation that u have never been in yet???? yes I would spend close to a hundred dollars on my friends showers and weddings as a single girl. but once I got married and had bills to pay that u clearly don’t have, im grateful when I can scratch together 10$… Read more »

to#106
October 27, 2014 5:43 pm

Will they be supporting themselves? That does not solve anything but make them more dependent on others. Times change.

Achievement
October 27, 2014 5:27 pm

Why is it top priority for most of these chassidish parents to have their daughters married off by age 19? Life expectancy is so much higher than it was even 50 years ago.

levi r
October 27, 2014 5:07 pm

shadchanim are a waste of time and $. network with friends. speak to one more person EVERY day. and Use chicagoshiduch and other such groups

Get them married young
October 27, 2014 4:52 pm

18 for girls and 20 for boys and this crises will end!

Just a thought
October 27, 2014 4:30 pm

Keep in mind, if a single rejects your suggestion – maybe, just maybe she/he has a valid reason for doing so. Don’t jump to conclusions and scream foul right away.

Stop Passing Judgement
October 27, 2014 4:28 pm

To all those who claim single girls are just being picky and need to be more open minded or more serious about commitment – you are either incredibly judgmental or just plain smug. True there may be some individuals acting as such, but how can you make blanket statement like that? Can you understand the pain, loneliness, and fear that singles go through? The pitying glances they need to endure, the patronizing, judgmental attitudes of others towards them? Can you comprehend the frustration singles feel when they continuously try to be open-minded, try to date people who may not be… Read more »

Unfortunately
October 27, 2014 3:48 pm

To me, it sounds like you are more hurt then your daughter. If she’s going to her friends, and helping them with the babies, and being there for them is because she is fine with the situation. She understands that Hashem has plans for her, and it’s not her friends fault that she isn’t married yet. Maybe they tried finding someone for her, maybe they already suggested someone, or maybe they don’t know someone to suggest. Taking conclusions is easy, but to act is different. So maybe you should also act more, and not post an anonymous letter on COL,… Read more »

I am single
October 27, 2014 3:42 pm

My friends are married, the last of our group got married this year, leaving just me,
Although there is some truth to this article, Id like to thank my personal married friends for doing their part, and I’d like to say that I do see some marrieds not falling into the trap of selfishness described in some of these comments, so thank you thank you to those married boys and girls who can think beyond their own noses and have tried to help their single friends and cousins, as my friends have.
There is hope to humanity!

I am crying
October 27, 2014 3:42 pm

Dear Shadchanim of Crown Heights and Dear Friends, You cannot imagine how many phone calls I have made in behalf of my 23 year old beautiful, educated tsniusdike,daughter who does chesed and has exemplary midos. Yet it is very hard to get a return phone call or a name even suggested. Tell me what is going on. My heart is broken. It bleeds for my child and for other children. There has got to be a better way. She is not the type to go out and find her own. She is Chassidish. What is the answer????? Is anyone listening???

A broken mother
October 27, 2014 3:21 pm

My doughter became 39 years, smart thin capable, any one know shaschanim??? Please help us

LCW
October 27, 2014 3:21 pm

dear mother, I hear your pain and frustration. Alot of us have been there, each of us with a different story. I can only tell you as much as I can think of, to help you. (and see, we are all commenting here, so there are people who care). I would say that you can NEVER be sure that people are not helping. You don’t know what phone calls are made. What would they do, call you and tell you that something was suggested? If it was not viable for any reason, you would not hear that, so you don’t… Read more »

a mentch and Yiras Shamayim!!
October 27, 2014 3:15 pm

Lets have our priorities straight. There are things in the area of Yiras Shamayim that should be non-negotiable. Every Tznius, Chassidish girl has the right to request that the boy be Chassidish. To comment #50: The following concerns by Tznius Chassidush girls are valid: (He needs to have a full beard, he’s too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies… etc.) ”

The best recipe for stability in a marriage, is to make sure he’s a mentch and a Yiras Shamayim!!

to#84
October 27, 2014 3:11 pm

You could believe there some folks who don’t want to get married.

Seriously?
October 27, 2014 2:44 pm

Dear #9 – Come on,
Did you settle when you got married? Should I have to settle because I’m older?

hold your comments till you are married.
October 27, 2014 2:40 pm

To those that are upset at their friends who don’t reciprocate the late nights at simchas etc. Wait till yo u are married with kids and then you’ll rethink your comment. No matter how busy a single is you can not compare it to being a mother.Sorry.

Hit the mark!
October 27, 2014 2:36 pm

What a pleasure to read Sensible Op-ED that puts the stress on “how we get out of the situation” and not “it’s your falt why I’m in this situation”.

Brad steinhults

mom2
October 27, 2014 2:22 pm

The issue is not usually the best closest friends.There are people who were good friends throughout school sat next to each other in class etc.After they get married (first) they ignore their single friends.It is very painful.And yes when a girl made an effort to come be misameach your simcha because she felt it was the right thing to do why is it you do not even bother to show up when it is finally her turn?Where is your sense of obligation.Is your heart so cold that you do not care.?Show up for 10 minutes if you can’t do more.If… Read more »

Blame Game?
October 27, 2014 1:16 pm

This article is complete garbage. Don’t blame your daughter not being married on her friends.

bh
October 27, 2014 1:14 pm

i thank hashem every day that my kids are married . b h
i have one more to go
i feel yr pain momy who wrote this
may hashem hear yr cry’s and answear quick

dan lechaf zchus
October 27, 2014 12:17 pm

We all understand your pain.
H’ has a plan and we all know that. Your daughter will find her beshert in the right time. The time that H’ finds right.
I have heard lately numerous cases of divorces among young couples. Happily married is all relative. Our society is very demanding and the values are distorted. We have to look for the right priorities.

Grow up
October 27, 2014 12:14 pm

Very good if you’re great at helping out your single friends. She is obviously not addressing you then. Obviously collectively more can be done and it’s great that you are not part of the collective that is falling short on what they can do. Gee whiz.

Citizen Berel
October 27, 2014 12:12 pm

I know 3 men between 25 and 35 who have been looking for years. 2 of them are not crazy. I know 2 girls who have been looking for years. The 2 girls will not entertain even dating the 2 previous despite my wife’s entreaties. One wants a ‘looker’ and one is bothered by the family. There are plenty of men who want dates. Who are pining to get married. I know for a fact that they will date pretty much anybody. They cannot get dates. They work hard but don’t make much money. But Brocho comes by virtue of… Read more »

#83 100% Correct
October 27, 2014 12:10 pm

Beautiful storie we all need to take it to heart.
Nothing more-Nothing less.

Maybe you have a point
October 27, 2014 12:03 pm

but who says we haven’t tried? I tried to set up high school classmates. Didn’t work. A few almost worked but didn’t get far enough to actually become an official suggestion. I STILL try, even though B”H my high school classmates are all married, to find shidduchim for friends I made after high school. For some reason it never works out. Is that my fault? Should I have told you every time, so that you could get your hopes up only to be let down again? Should I have told you every time, only to find out that you aren’t… Read more »

Make a Keli
October 27, 2014 11:53 am

If i am correct the rebbe said to make a “Keli to receive Brochos. take on an hachlota, something the the Rebbe pushed for or something.

Right on
October 27, 2014 11:40 am

I didn’t read all the comments, but this is so true. Introducing people by way of friends is such a good idea but so overlooked and neglected, in my opinion. I’m also single and I have an acquaintance who is friendly with a man who I know is single and I would love to be introduced, but they haven’t thought about it. Please help us out!!!!

Real Friends are always Friends, the orthers pretend to be your friends, when they need you
October 27, 2014 11:31 am

I was once in a chssidishe shul when the shul was pretty empty (maybe three four people), amongst us was an elder chosid (who was a gevaldige bal chesed beside beinng a first grade kria rebbe for many many years) in his younger years he actually learnt in lubavitch. He struck up a conversation with us re; shidduchim and mentioned the names of many of (anash) bouchrim and girls ,that need to be helped with shidduchim, so someone said to him what can we do, he gave the yungerman a slap in the face and said , “do you at… Read more »

Married was once single
October 27, 2014 11:25 am

I remember how hard it was for me when I was in the dating stage and how much my married friends were constantly bringing up Ideas and helping me out. A true friend so there for you no matter what, married….with a kid….no matter what stage or what life brings. A friend that is not there for you was never a true friend in the first place. I now always try to think of ideas for my single friends but just as it is hard for the parents to think of suggestions along with shadchan in so too is it… Read more »

take any guy?
October 27, 2014 11:17 am

some of the comments here are astounding. just because a girl is “older” doesn’t mean she needs to settle for any male. There is nothing wrong with expecting a guy to have a job/career and a plan to support his family. It’s really not a lot to ask.

Oh, the assumptions...
October 27, 2014 11:16 am

I love how everyone assumes singles have nothing to spend money on except vacations & clothes & entertainment. I am single, work 80+ hours per week, never eat out, have never been on vacation and am responsible for all my own needs (rent, bills, healthcare, food etc.) and anything extra goes either into furthering my career prospects (education etc.) or straight into savings for either my wedding or a down-payment some day (and, unforunately, we are talking a very small amount so far). Most of my married friends are a lot better off financially and work a whole lot less.

To #62
October 27, 2014 11:15 am

Uh oh, you’re contradicting yourself, you say #26 is too judgmental without knowing the circumstance, yet you end off “certainly you would never do a favor for a friend” if that’s your take cause somone has a “opinion” you’re quite judgmental yourself!

HUGE THANK YOU!
October 27, 2014 11:14 am

Just putting a thank you out there to my dear, awesome married and busy friends, who haven’t forgotten about me and do take the time to think and try!
Love you guys!

friends with no reasons
October 27, 2014 11:05 am

I’m a married lady who has suggested a number of men to my 29/30/31 year old friends but all I get is “thanks for thinking of me”. I have no idea which direction to take or what was wrong with my offer

Kidush
October 27, 2014 10:58 am

did you make her a kidush when she was born? if not make one now! good luck!!!

Difficult time
October 27, 2014 10:43 am

My daughter is 27, getting married in one month. All of her close circle of friends were married at 19; have three children. I did not know where this Shidduch would come from; I literally worked on it every day for years and years, without stopping. In the end a Shaddchun suggested it; a Shaddchun who I thought had forgot about my daugther; a Shaddchun who basically told me not to nag her three years ago so I never called her back. It is a boy who lives across the street from friends of our son, the boy works with… Read more »

so so true
October 27, 2014 10:33 am

as a single girl, sometimes i’m stunned by the behavior of girl’s. the day after there wedding, the “friend” that spent with you hours upon hours – just doesn’t don’t exist anymore. and it’s not just shidduchim. how about the long Friday nights? shabbes afternoon? chol hamoed? vacations?

Let's blame someone!
October 27, 2014 10:21 am

It can’t be that the friends either have depleted their ideas, or are not good at coming up with good ones, or probably have tried to come up with ideas the mother didn’t approve of.
Or even if they all sometimes have good ideas, doesn’t mean the daughter gets married just because the friends really want her to.
But yeah, let’s blame someone, so why not her friends, who likely care about her not being married more than you know.

MOTHER 770
October 27, 2014 10:13 am

PLEASE REACH TO YOUR CLASSMATES, FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND INVITE THEM MORE OFTEN.
TO ALL YOUNG MARRIED COUPLES DO NOT KNOW YOUR SINGLES FRIENDS JUST TO SUPPORT YOUR BAIS CHABAD BY REQUESTING A CHECK !
BUT REACH THEM OUT AND ACT BY HELPING THEM OUT, SHARING NAMES, DO NOT DELAY

thank you
October 27, 2014 9:40 am

its good to know we’re not alone in this and that other people feel the same. thanks for expressing it to others

TOTALLY AGREE WITH ARTICLE
October 27, 2014 9:38 am

it would be nice to say that they tried . it would be nice to say that “oh well she is picky” as one of my daughter’s good friends once said to her. nothing is further from the truth. they have dropped off her radar screen, they have less time for her . and still she keeps up with them ADMosai!

great idea number six, i would love to talk to you
October 27, 2014 9:25 am

who are to help girls or boys 26, 27, 28
why not? id love to her what you have to say?

ooyyyyyyyyyy
October 27, 2014 9:04 am

Thank you for your kind letter. I found that you left out, when people do research on your child, how the information giver will make up loshon hara about the family or child to deliberately ruin the shidduch.

Married friend
October 27, 2014 8:59 am

I was one of the first girls in my class to get married. Although I spent a lot of time setting my friends up , I never mentioned a name to them until I got a positive answer from the boys side. Unfortunately the boys have more names and the answer was usually negative . My friends had no idea how much effort I put into helping them and although I acted casual around them I did hurt and feel for them more then they will ever know. Besures toves!

JUST READ THIS POST.
October 27, 2014 8:57 am

To 43,
Don’t you ‘get angry”. It’s so easy to write nothing like you did . Did you stop to think that maybe the mother writing this letter is a mother who does make constant calls? Who perhaps has exhausted so many possibilities she is just speaking from her broken heart? WE FIND IT SO EASY TO SHRUG SOMEONES HEARTACHES AWAY. A woman in our community wrote this painful letter, she means it from her heart. Do not attempt to simplify or negate the message,

This worked for me
October 27, 2014 8:56 am

My friends were all long married and I was not. Some one told me that if I would say the entire thillim everyday for 40 days it’s a segula for a shidduch. Well I did just that and believe it or not on that last day a phone call came , we went out, I took one look at him and just knew this was it. Well worth the wait and happily married for 18 yrs kah !

Try it it works!

Friend.
October 27, 2014 8:56 am

While on the topic of friends helping friends, it is not only shiduchim where friends are hurting. There are many people suffering unfortunately in other areas as well, financial stress, a sick child….. If we would stop and think of how we can make it just a little easier for someone els we would see a huge difference for the better in all our friends and within ourselves.

thanks
October 27, 2014 8:53 am

every time a friend makes a suggestion for me I appreciate it, even if it’s far off. It means they’re thinking about me and that in itself is encouraging. Thanks to the friends who do this.

JUST READ THIS POST.
October 27, 2014 8:52 am

My comment is to #26.

You wrote that the author is blaming others and focusing on negative attitudes.You know nothing of the writer yet you are an expert on her emotional state and character. Let’s not forget your knowledge of her mothering skills. I have never read a more cold and simply mean comment. Certainly one thing is clear, YOU would NEVER put your self out there to do a favor for a friend.

we can't fix them.
October 27, 2014 8:41 am

I spend hours everyday thinking about all the unmarried people in my community. I look at the list and think about people I might know for each one. I have made many suggestions over the years and I’m always told, “Oh, we wouldn’t want anyone from that family.” Or “She’s just not our type.” And there are the parents who think their children are so special and different, but to the rest of us we can see that their kids are pretty much the same as all the other unmarried kids. What about the married without children? We daven for… Read more »

Single bochur's perspective on being there for a friend
October 27, 2014 8:33 am

As a Single Bochur when i travel or fly to a friends chassuna or stay at their lchaim till late at night i consider it “chesed shel emes”. To have the pretence that they will come to your chassuna or be there when you need them leads to disappointment as your expectations are not realistic. Peoples life’s change and things come up. One should be ,mindful that the top thing on their mind after changes of such magnitude isn’t their friend, they are trying to work their own life’s and marriage out. When I help a friend, if i where… Read more »

Give all Lubavitch boys perfect education
October 27, 2014 8:30 am

To all community , start invest in your kids education , specially boys that by age 21 -22 he will have good parnosah to provide for his family , this will low the bride age to 18 automatically !!!

To #44
October 27, 2014 8:14 am

1. Noone said those friends Have kids. Infact most of them DO NOT have kids yet. 2. No, we do not do it to get it in return, clearly we dont, because it happens over and over again and we still are there for our friends. When we do all that we do for our engaged friends, its because we are good friends. All we are asking is for that in return 3.As a single girl we also have responsibilities ans i had responsibilities when the friend got engaged. We work (some of us more than one job), go to… Read more »

daughter
October 27, 2014 7:52 am

ur daughter sounds great! would i be good for her?

Mother's Pain
October 27, 2014 7:28 am

To all married young couples: Do not try to justify your inaction
or agree with the article, discuss it over coffee and go on with your lives!! Do something, think of someone; the way someone thought of you!

Shidach
October 27, 2014 7:14 am

I know a bad shadchen takes your mony and forgets about you

They do forget their friends, yes they do
October 27, 2014 6:42 am

And divorced friends too 🙂 gam lereahu yisana rash, veohavei ashir rabim. Vedal merehu yipared. Solomon

Kol Hakavod
October 27, 2014 6:36 am

This letter is long overdue. I can say that I have seen other girls and boys in the same situation and they are the forgotten ones. There are married friends who do try to make shidduchim but they don’t always work but it is the effort that goes into it that counts. I have made 3 shidduchim and none for family members. I try and do my part in helping the singles in my community and even those that are overseas. It pains me to see what is happening. I don’t have children of marriageable age yet and I wonder… Read more »

Shidduch
October 27, 2014 4:56 am

As a mother of a daughter looking for a shidduch, what pains me most is that the mothers of boys don’t want to make the effort to even look into my daughter’s profile because they have too many names so why even start to look into someone who is not from America; or because they don’t know our family yet. The ‘no’ is not even based on having looked into her and not finding her suitable; just superficialities. And yes,I have gotten many possibly suitable names from family but how do I get the boys’ parents to take the time… Read more »

תהי שנת עבודת השידוכים
October 27, 2014 3:39 am

This Mom isn’t blaming! She is begging! Pleading with you to think about her daughter! Maybe you and your husband – on Shabbos – can think of all the single men you know and focus on this woman! Ask you friends to do the same. I know what the mom must be feeling. BH, I was married and BH have children! But it now 18 years that I am alone! and very lonely. BH, I have sibling,s children, and lots of friends. A few of them suggested some nice men over the years. No I am not picky, but my… Read more »

So Tired....
October 27, 2014 3:25 am

This is such rubbish: I am sincerely sorry for your hurt, but this whole shidduch thing stinks. I tried joining the shidduchim to try to help my friends who were suffering and sounding just like you. But this is what I found: 1. Girls (Specifically) have this illusion that some knight in shining armor on a white horse is coming to sweep them off their feet: (He needs to have a full beard, he needs to be fit, he need to be learning, he needs to have a parnassa, he’s too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies…… Read more »

Not their fault!
October 27, 2014 3:08 am

I’m also a mother who begs Hashem for my daughter…. And I know that her friends try and pray for her bh….I never think they haven’t Ahavass Yisroel..Chass vesholem….it’s a nissoyon from Hashem and WE ALL pray for it to end soon….

so why
October 27, 2014 2:20 am

So why when a shiduch is offered you parents turn it down? Is it cuz es pass nitch? You need a fancy family? Let me tell you dear parents your daughter wants to get married so don’t turn down when you get a offer and then ………..
This is a common problem that I don’t see any articles about but it is spoken alot. We pray for you to have a simcha this month

An interesting irony
October 27, 2014 1:44 am

My daughter got married to a great guy at age 19, and KAH is very happy with a bunch of kids….but still has a slight envy of the single friends who get to travel the world, go to school, go out to dinner ….spend money on expensive clothes with their own earnings….while every penny her husband and she earns,goes to pay rent, tuition, bills…..babysitters, housekeepers…. I”H your daughter will find her Bashert. You need to do all you can, and also have Emunah! But in the meanwhile, make sure she enjoys her single life, because it will not last.

to number 38
October 27, 2014 1:42 am

Who are you? How can you talk that way? You obviously are not a single girl going through the difficult stage! I have been in the ‘parsha’ for a number of years now and let me tell you I am not picky and am very open to all suggestions and guess what I can count on one hand the amount of guys I dated! It is not easy to get a date And yes Iit is very difficult living when every single friend of yours has moved on…

great article!
October 27, 2014 1:32 am

I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for speaking up!

To #14
October 27, 2014 1:15 am

Clearly, you have never been married. Implying that a married woman with kids to care for and a job to get to should stay at your L’chaim past 10:30pm is nothing short of utter immaturity. The fact that she stays until 10:30 is in and of itself a sacrifice. Which brings me to my next question: when you single girls arrange bridal showers and attend the weddings of your friends, is it all so that they should do the same for you? Or are you doing this for the sake of the Mitzvah of bringing joy to the Kallah? Get… Read more »

this makes me angry
October 27, 2014 1:09 am

Dear mother, of course it’s painful but IT’S NOT THE FAULT OF YOUR DAUGHTER’S FRIENDS. a) it’s your job to get her married, not theirs (know how many friends I have worked on their shidduchim because their mother WASN’T doing the job, or wasn’t doing it right? many.) b) HOW DARE YOU ASSUME. have you asked the friends if they have thought of anyone for her? many times friends DO try to think of someone. sometimes they just dont know anyone who would fit. sometimes they think of someone and they do try to suggest it but for other reasons… Read more »

Perplexed!?!?!?!
October 27, 2014 1:06 am

Uh……… not to sound too judgmental, but for you as the mother, what have you done to resolve this issue? I’m certain that you would respond “plenty”, of course! Therein lies the question, what is it that is causing any, and all, of the potential matches that HAVE been suggested up until this point as being non-compatible (and as someone who has B”H made successful Shidduchim in the past, I would not entertain for a millisecond the notion that “there just aren’t any “good” boys out there”). I’ll be very frank and honest and I don’t mean to be condescending… Read more »

Do you know what is exactly men your daughter is looking for ?
October 27, 2014 12:53 am

Give instructions for your friends , your daughter friends with minimum or full description /requirements ( real ones not from the Cinderella story .).. Look on your daughter from the side , not as a lovely mother but more like a merchant /seller and try to sell this young lady to the first guy/shadchanim that you know ….maybe she needs some investments to look more attractive to be sold today ….she must try to date a lot of bohrim to find the right one … Or do it for her so she will be happy with the one that you… Read more »

Hey to all the single girls..
October 27, 2014 12:51 am

.. Listen “from a single guy” I can tell you that your married friends are more depressed and have more anxiety and trouble and stress in their lives then you! Just remember that when are alone wishing you would have someone. G-d gives good and bad to people in all types of situations. Not only ” married ” or “not married ” you most likely have a better life then your married friend. And let me tell you more.. The friends that DO suggest for you, THEY are the happy ones (depending on the season) – to #9 I just… Read more »

Feel the Pain but Don't Take the Blame
October 27, 2014 12:41 am

Yes, the young marrieds should feel the pain of their single friends and do their best to help them out, but I don’t think it is fair to criticize young marrieds for not having enough time or money to spend on their single friends. Most singles are free to choose how to use their time and money, marrieds have to invest those two precious commodities in their family. Of course, part of building a true Jewish home includes giving time and money to others, but your spouse and children must take priority over friends.

Just saying
October 27, 2014 12:15 am

Most single girls I know are very picky and are waiting for the perfect man. People are good and always try to fix up single friends coz they do care. Hashem created a bashert for everyone so the girls have to open themselves up to receive. Good luck to your daughter may she find the right one soon!

Shadchan
October 27, 2014 12:12 am

Let us have some ahavas Isroel. Everything is in Hashem’s hands, Rebbe always told people that. Also et us not be judgmental towards the mother who cries out for help. She is 100% right, no shadchan knows the girl as well as her classmates. They need to try. I just want to try to suggest to the mother to tell her daughter to talk specifically about the shidduchim with her classmates, sometimes they are trying to be delicate and think what if she is busy or will be upset by who i am going to suggest, there are always two… Read more »

often people are limited in who they know
October 27, 2014 12:07 am

I (not a youngster) make suggestions often and when we ask our immediate male family for suggestions, they also only have a limited amount of Bochurim they know. Is there a website that could provide reliable info or profiles on eligible Bochurim which anyone can view without a fee?

on the other side...
October 27, 2014 12:01 am

Mother i agree with you, and i empathise with the pain that your daughter is most probably feeling too. Its very very hard, and unless someone has felt this pain too, no one should comment.

Not sure
October 26, 2014 11:53 pm

I am a shadchanit and I constantly get ideas from young married ladies who are too embarrassed to speak the shidduch themselves. They call me to speak it for them. But they are thinking of their friends, and they feel terrible for them.
I feel bad that your daughter is from the many unfortunate ones who have not found their bashert just yet. It’s easy to blame when you are hurting. You can blame the friends, you can blame the shadchanim, but please know, that we really do care and we are trying!

Col
October 26, 2014 11:50 pm

Random nothing to do with the article but I think u guys should get a thumbs up button

to a hurting mother
October 26, 2014 11:37 pm

ouch…you are suggesting, not that the shuddachim have not worked, but that they have not even happened. This suggests not merely neglect but perhaps a problem or issue that her friends find difficult to address. Are you communicating openly with your daughter? Are all expectations reasonable? Blame is not a resolution. And, this is a time for hope, humor and positive energy…………

Sending HUGS!!!
October 26, 2014 11:36 pm

First of all to Poster #1 may you never know the pain of a mother’s heart breaking for her daughter. I 100% agree with this mother. Our society has gotten way too self involved to think about one another. This is “selfie” culture-where it is perfectly acceptable to snap a photo of oneself to post for everyone to see. We should all work together to help our children find their shidduch. It really does “take a village”.

Agree with #1
October 26, 2014 11:35 pm

It’s not fair to assume her friends aren’t looking. Maybe they haven’t come up with someone yet, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t trying. I don’t think you give them enough credit.

Wish I knew someone
October 26, 2014 11:31 pm

I have single friends who I would do anything for, if it would help them find their bashert. I truly don’t have anyone I can suggest. May you merit to walk you daughter to the chuppa very very soon.

when theres a Will...
October 26, 2014 11:30 pm

Many of these older girls don’t want yo get married. They are dellusinal most times. Don’t blame others

It will come
October 26, 2014 11:27 pm

I feel your pain. Maybe these friends actually tried and for whatever reason,it’s not working out. At the end of the day, it’s up to Hashem and we have to daven, give tzedaka,etc
I wish you and all the mothers out there to hear very good news very soon, Amen

I understand
October 26, 2014 11:25 pm

I understand your hurting, I’m sure it must feel devastating, but I feel your opinion stems primarily from emotional resentment rather than rationality. Erroneous beliefs are beliefs and defenses we build up and replay with anger so we do not have to know the truth about our self. Blaming others is a way of life for some people. You are focusing on the negative instead of going into problem solving.
Anyway, may we be zoche to hear the happy news on COL bekorov.

you are %100 right
October 26, 2014 11:11 pm

thank you so much for writing this letter!!!!

maybe they have tried
October 26, 2014 11:07 pm

Just because you haven’t heard from them about it, it doesn’t mean they haven’t tried to do exactly what you described. perhaps they’ve messaged friends and family members but come back fruitless. in general I dont like the way people always put it on the married friends like it is their responsibility. if they can help, then it’s very nice, but if they dont or if you dont hear that they do, they are not to blame. p.s. married friends of mine and my husbands were the ones to make our shidduch.. and if your daughter is not married yet,… Read more »

to the mom
October 26, 2014 11:05 pm

Zalminov the sofer is a shadchan who made over 44 shiduchim in the last 5 years.. I dont know his number but he seems to have a knack. You can find him in the tzach list

thank you for that reminder
October 26, 2014 11:02 pm

We are sometimes so busy and caught up in our own lives and need to remember our friends. May your daughter find her basherte very soon.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!!!
October 26, 2014 10:57 pm

Great article! Regular, ordinary people need to get busy with shidduchim! I’ve got a track record of zero shidduchim, but I called a shadchan before Tishrei with an idea. “Don’t tell anyone it was my idea,” I begged the shadchan. “What if people get mad at me for suggesting such a dumb match?” The shadchan answered, “Stop worrying. TWO THIRDS of the shidduchim I make are ideas suggested by other people, and they just want me to follow through with the process.” Yes, folks, guys, peeps, it’s up to US!!! By the way, my suggestion was a bad idea and… Read more »

Thank You
October 26, 2014 10:56 pm

As an older bachur I cannot begin to thank the author enough for writing this. For anybody reading this, I can attest the much worse than not being able to find a date, or the someone who is not interested or someone who does not want to go out again, is you friends. It hurts far worse to watch as your friends experienced the pain of being single and know the joy of being married but don’t “know” you or your how miserable you feel and will therefore never think of you. What you realize is you have become nothing… Read more »

We are
October 26, 2014 10:55 pm

Your pain is felt. Please dont underestimate us. We DO make calls and inquiries despite are bh hectic lives. We DO care about our not yet married friends.

Oy my!
October 26, 2014 10:53 pm

Oy …well put!

Good for you
October 26, 2014 10:45 pm

Please spend time to help single people.
A mother

Friends are overrated
October 26, 2014 10:43 pm

As a single girl with many married friends.
I have come to realize how overrated friends are.
While I danced and made showers, happily for my friends.
They have yet to reciprocate. So to all single girls – don’t overextend yourself for your married friends – they probably will not do it for you (I’m sure there are exceptions to this – and some have true friends) but sadly for most this is the reality

it will always be this way in this unfair system and world
October 26, 2014 10:41 pm

i understand and feel for you and her but this world is sick and unfair MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOOD OR ANYTHING, im also single and people think if their married, their special

Anonymous
October 26, 2014 10:40 pm

Let us not forget how the single friends were there during dating, lechaim – pretending to be happy and staying til the wee hours of the night(or was it morning?) engagement, appointments, arranged a shower, laid out money that was never paid back, arranged shtick, made the Kallah happy during the wedding making sure she was happy drinking sitting etc. and staying til the very end. then when this single friend gets engaged what does this married friend do? She leaves the lechaim at 10:30 because shes “tired”, gives a measly $10 towards a wedding gift and will do you… Read more »

Moving
October 26, 2014 10:36 pm

Very moving. It’s true that no matter how busy we are with our lives and families, we must never forget our single friends, BS’D.

nice
October 26, 2014 10:36 pm

Dear Mother: just call your daughter’s friends ONCE A MONTH one by one and ask them to do it

wow
October 26, 2014 10:30 pm

Couldnt have said it better myself!! The only legitimate shidduch offers come from friends- wake up girls! Start recommending guys for ur friends! Keep an eye out!

You are so right
October 26, 2014 10:25 pm

I will try to dedicate 10 minutes each to working on Shidduchim

Come on
October 26, 2014 10:23 pm

I’m sure her friends are trying very hard to find her a shiduch. Maybe it’s time she takes what’s being suggested instead of waiting for the perfect man.

Moved to tears
October 26, 2014 10:22 pm

I’m am so moved and emotional over the painful letter that I just read. I agree with you- we need to shake up the world ppl friends and family there is a terrible crisis. I however have a question. I am married for 10 yrs and have a very good friend who is not. I have tried but I’m limited with ppl I know. I have suggested and keep on here and there an daven for her. What else can I do. I would love to do more and make Shidduchim. Any answers?

Wow!!!
October 26, 2014 10:22 pm

So very true.
I hope this will serve as a wake up call to us all. HELP YOUR FELLOW JEW its EVERYTHING

BUILD BAYIS NEMON
October 26, 2014 10:22 pm

I was really thinking
Their has to be a network
Group Shadchanim .
Very dedicated men or women
Work on Shidduchim
For girls over 26,28,30.
I am willing to help with leg work.

My heart breaks for u
October 26, 2014 10:16 pm

She sounds like such a wonderful girl, may she find her bashert bekorov mamash!

GReat idea to publish this letter...
October 26, 2014 10:16 pm

… sometimes we forget those on the sidelines hurting…Kol Yisroel areivim zeh lozeh…Help your friend out, girls…

Someone in Canada

How do you know???
October 26, 2014 10:12 pm

This can be true, but I, personally have suggested a name for a friend of mine who isn’t yet married a numer of times….Hatzlocho! May we hear good news soon!

Simple Mitzvah?
October 26, 2014 10:04 pm

Obviously its not always that simple. Friends may have ideas
but not necessarily the right ideas.

why?
October 26, 2014 10:00 pm

Why do you assume they havent suggested? Why is it their fault your daughter isnt married?

X