ב"ה
Monday, 15 Tishri, 5780
  |  October 14, 2019

To My Daughter’s Classmates

From the COLlive inbox: A mother writes a painful public letter to the happily married classmates of her daughter. Full Story

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Rabbi Moshe Zvi Reicher, 66, OBM

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why?
Guest
why?

Why do you assume they havent suggested? Why is it their fault your daughter isnt married?

Simple Mitzvah?
Guest
Simple Mitzvah?

Obviously its not always that simple. Friends may have ideas
but not necessarily the right ideas.

How do you know???
Guest
How do you know???

This can be true, but I, personally have suggested a name for a friend of mine who isn’t yet married a numer of times….Hatzlocho! May we hear good news soon!

GReat idea to publish this letter...
Guest
GReat idea to publish this letter...

… sometimes we forget those on the sidelines hurting…Kol Yisroel areivim zeh lozeh…Help your friend out, girls…

Someone in Canada

My heart breaks for u
Guest
My heart breaks for u

She sounds like such a wonderful girl, may she find her bashert bekorov mamash!

Wow!!!
Guest
Wow!!!

So very true.
I hope this will serve as a wake up call to us all. HELP YOUR FELLOW JEW its EVERYTHING

BUILD BAYIS NEMON
Guest
BUILD BAYIS NEMON

I was really thinking
Their has to be a network
Group Shadchanim .
Very dedicated men or women
Work on Shidduchim
For girls over 26,28,30.
I am willing to help with leg work.

Moved to tears
Guest
Moved to tears

I’m am so moved and emotional over the painful letter that I just read. I agree with you- we need to shake up the world ppl friends and family there is a terrible crisis. I however have a question. I am married for 10 yrs and have a very good friend who is not. I have tried but I’m limited with ppl I know. I have suggested and keep on here and there an daven for her. What else can I do. I would love to do more and make Shidduchim. Any answers?

Come on
Guest
Come on

I’m sure her friends are trying very hard to find her a shiduch. Maybe it’s time she takes what’s being suggested instead of waiting for the perfect man.

You are so right
Guest
You are so right

I will try to dedicate 10 minutes each to working on Shidduchim

wow
Guest
wow

Couldnt have said it better myself!! The only legitimate shidduch offers come from friends- wake up girls! Start recommending guys for ur friends! Keep an eye out!

nice
Guest
nice

Dear Mother: just call your daughter’s friends ONCE A MONTH one by one and ask them to do it

Moving
Guest
Moving

Very moving. It’s true that no matter how busy we are with our lives and families, we must never forget our single friends, BS’D.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

Let us not forget how the single friends were there during dating, lechaim – pretending to be happy and staying til the wee hours of the night(or was it morning?) engagement, appointments, arranged a shower, laid out money that was never paid back, arranged shtick, made the Kallah happy during the wedding making sure she was happy drinking sitting etc. and staying til the very end. then when this single friend gets engaged what does this married friend do? She leaves the lechaim at 10:30 because shes “tired”, gives a measly $10 towards a wedding gift and will do you… Read more »

it will always be this way in this unfair system and world
Guest
it will always be this way in this unfair system and world

i understand and feel for you and her but this world is sick and unfair MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOOD OR ANYTHING, im also single and people think if their married, their special

Friends are overrated
Guest
Friends are overrated

As a single girl with many married friends.
I have come to realize how overrated friends are.
While I danced and made showers, happily for my friends.
They have yet to reciprocate. So to all single girls – don’t overextend yourself for your married friends – they probably will not do it for you (I’m sure there are exceptions to this – and some have true friends) but sadly for most this is the reality

Good for you
Guest
Good for you

Please spend time to help single people.
A mother

Oy my!
Guest
Oy my!

Oy …well put!

We are
Guest
We are

Your pain is felt. Please dont underestimate us. We DO make calls and inquiries despite are bh hectic lives. We DO care about our not yet married friends.

Thank You
Guest
Thank You

As an older bachur I cannot begin to thank the author enough for writing this. For anybody reading this, I can attest the much worse than not being able to find a date, or the someone who is not interested or someone who does not want to go out again, is you friends. It hurts far worse to watch as your friends experienced the pain of being single and know the joy of being married but don’t “know” you or your how miserable you feel and will therefore never think of you. What you realize is you have become nothing… Read more »

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!!!
Guest
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!!!

Great article! Regular, ordinary people need to get busy with shidduchim! I’ve got a track record of zero shidduchim, but I called a shadchan before Tishrei with an idea. “Don’t tell anyone it was my idea,” I begged the shadchan. “What if people get mad at me for suggesting such a dumb match?” The shadchan answered, “Stop worrying. TWO THIRDS of the shidduchim I make are ideas suggested by other people, and they just want me to follow through with the process.” Yes, folks, guys, peeps, it’s up to US!!! By the way, my suggestion was a bad idea and… Read more »

thank you for that reminder
Guest
thank you for that reminder

We are sometimes so busy and caught up in our own lives and need to remember our friends. May your daughter find her basherte very soon.

to the mom
Guest
to the mom

Zalminov the sofer is a shadchan who made over 44 shiduchim in the last 5 years.. I dont know his number but he seems to have a knack. You can find him in the tzach list

maybe they have tried
Guest
maybe they have tried

Just because you haven’t heard from them about it, it doesn’t mean they haven’t tried to do exactly what you described. perhaps they’ve messaged friends and family members but come back fruitless. in general I dont like the way people always put it on the married friends like it is their responsibility. if they can help, then it’s very nice, but if they dont or if you dont hear that they do, they are not to blame. p.s. married friends of mine and my husbands were the ones to make our shidduch.. and if your daughter is not married yet,… Read more »

you are %100 right
Guest
you are %100 right

thank you so much for writing this letter!!!!

I understand
Guest
I understand

I understand your hurting, I’m sure it must feel devastating, but I feel your opinion stems primarily from emotional resentment rather than rationality. Erroneous beliefs are beliefs and defenses we build up and replay with anger so we do not have to know the truth about our self. Blaming others is a way of life for some people. You are focusing on the negative instead of going into problem solving.
Anyway, may we be zoche to hear the happy news on COL bekorov.

It will come
Guest
It will come

I feel your pain. Maybe these friends actually tried and for whatever reason,it’s not working out. At the end of the day, it’s up to Hashem and we have to daven, give tzedaka,etc
I wish you and all the mothers out there to hear very good news very soon, Amen

when theres a Will...
Guest
when theres a Will...

Many of these older girls don’t want yo get married. They are dellusinal most times. Don’t blame others

Wish I knew someone
Guest
Wish I knew someone

I have single friends who I would do anything for, if it would help them find their bashert. I truly don’t have anyone I can suggest. May you merit to walk you daughter to the chuppa very very soon.

Agree with #1
Guest
Agree with #1

It’s not fair to assume her friends aren’t looking. Maybe they haven’t come up with someone yet, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t trying. I don’t think you give them enough credit.

Sending HUGS!!!
Guest
Sending HUGS!!!

First of all to Poster #1 may you never know the pain of a mother’s heart breaking for her daughter. I 100% agree with this mother. Our society has gotten way too self involved to think about one another. This is “selfie” culture-where it is perfectly acceptable to snap a photo of oneself to post for everyone to see. We should all work together to help our children find their shidduch. It really does “take a village”.

to a hurting mother
Guest
to a hurting mother

ouch…you are suggesting, not that the shuddachim have not worked, but that they have not even happened. This suggests not merely neglect but perhaps a problem or issue that her friends find difficult to address. Are you communicating openly with your daughter? Are all expectations reasonable? Blame is not a resolution. And, this is a time for hope, humor and positive energy…………

Col
Guest
Col

Random nothing to do with the article but I think u guys should get a thumbs up button

Not sure
Guest
Not sure

I am a shadchanit and I constantly get ideas from young married ladies who are too embarrassed to speak the shidduch themselves. They call me to speak it for them. But they are thinking of their friends, and they feel terrible for them.
I feel bad that your daughter is from the many unfortunate ones who have not found their bashert just yet. It’s easy to blame when you are hurting. You can blame the friends, you can blame the shadchanim, but please know, that we really do care and we are trying!

on the other side...
Guest
on the other side...

Mother i agree with you, and i empathise with the pain that your daughter is most probably feeling too. Its very very hard, and unless someone has felt this pain too, no one should comment.

often people are limited in who they know
Guest
often people are limited in who they know

I (not a youngster) make suggestions often and when we ask our immediate male family for suggestions, they also only have a limited amount of Bochurim they know. Is there a website that could provide reliable info or profiles on eligible Bochurim which anyone can view without a fee?

Shadchan
Guest
Shadchan

Let us have some ahavas Isroel. Everything is in Hashem’s hands, Rebbe always told people that. Also et us not be judgmental towards the mother who cries out for help. She is 100% right, no shadchan knows the girl as well as her classmates. They need to try. I just want to try to suggest to the mother to tell her daughter to talk specifically about the shidduchim with her classmates, sometimes they are trying to be delicate and think what if she is busy or will be upset by who i am going to suggest, there are always two… Read more »

Just saying
Guest
Just saying

Most single girls I know are very picky and are waiting for the perfect man. People are good and always try to fix up single friends coz they do care. Hashem created a bashert for everyone so the girls have to open themselves up to receive. Good luck to your daughter may she find the right one soon!

Feel the Pain but Don't Take the Blame
Guest
Feel the Pain but Don't Take the Blame

Yes, the young marrieds should feel the pain of their single friends and do their best to help them out, but I don’t think it is fair to criticize young marrieds for not having enough time or money to spend on their single friends. Most singles are free to choose how to use their time and money, marrieds have to invest those two precious commodities in their family. Of course, part of building a true Jewish home includes giving time and money to others, but your spouse and children must take priority over friends.

Hey to all the single girls..
Guest
Hey to all the single girls..

.. Listen “from a single guy” I can tell you that your married friends are more depressed and have more anxiety and trouble and stress in their lives then you! Just remember that when are alone wishing you would have someone. G-d gives good and bad to people in all types of situations. Not only ” married ” or “not married ” you most likely have a better life then your married friend. And let me tell you more.. The friends that DO suggest for you, THEY are the happy ones (depending on the season) – to #9 I just… Read more »

Do you know what is exactly men your daughter is looking for ?
Guest
Do you know what is exactly men your daughter is looking for ?

Give instructions for your friends , your daughter friends with minimum or full description /requirements ( real ones not from the Cinderella story .).. Look on your daughter from the side , not as a lovely mother but more like a merchant /seller and try to sell this young lady to the first guy/shadchanim that you know ….maybe she needs some investments to look more attractive to be sold today ….she must try to date a lot of bohrim to find the right one … Or do it for her so she will be happy with the one that you… Read more »

Perplexed!?!?!?!
Guest
Perplexed!?!?!?!

Uh……… not to sound too judgmental, but for you as the mother, what have you done to resolve this issue? I’m certain that you would respond “plenty”, of course! Therein lies the question, what is it that is causing any, and all, of the potential matches that HAVE been suggested up until this point as being non-compatible (and as someone who has B”H made successful Shidduchim in the past, I would not entertain for a millisecond the notion that “there just aren’t any “good” boys out there”). I’ll be very frank and honest and I don’t mean to be condescending… Read more »

this makes me angry
Guest
this makes me angry

Dear mother, of course it’s painful but IT’S NOT THE FAULT OF YOUR DAUGHTER’S FRIENDS. a) it’s your job to get her married, not theirs (know how many friends I have worked on their shidduchim because their mother WASN’T doing the job, or wasn’t doing it right? many.) b) HOW DARE YOU ASSUME. have you asked the friends if they have thought of anyone for her? many times friends DO try to think of someone. sometimes they just dont know anyone who would fit. sometimes they think of someone and they do try to suggest it but for other reasons… Read more »

To #14
Guest
To #14

Clearly, you have never been married. Implying that a married woman with kids to care for and a job to get to should stay at your L’chaim past 10:30pm is nothing short of utter immaturity. The fact that she stays until 10:30 is in and of itself a sacrifice. Which brings me to my next question: when you single girls arrange bridal showers and attend the weddings of your friends, is it all so that they should do the same for you? Or are you doing this for the sake of the Mitzvah of bringing joy to the Kallah? Get… Read more »

great article!
Guest
great article!

I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for speaking up!

to number 38
Guest
to number 38

Who are you? How can you talk that way? You obviously are not a single girl going through the difficult stage! I have been in the ‘parsha’ for a number of years now and let me tell you I am not picky and am very open to all suggestions and guess what I can count on one hand the amount of guys I dated! It is not easy to get a date And yes Iit is very difficult living when every single friend of yours has moved on…

An interesting irony
Guest
An interesting irony

My daughter got married to a great guy at age 19, and KAH is very happy with a bunch of kids….but still has a slight envy of the single friends who get to travel the world, go to school, go out to dinner ….spend money on expensive clothes with their own earnings….while every penny her husband and she earns,goes to pay rent, tuition, bills…..babysitters, housekeepers…. I”H your daughter will find her Bashert. You need to do all you can, and also have Emunah! But in the meanwhile, make sure she enjoys her single life, because it will not last.

so why
Guest
so why

So why when a shiduch is offered you parents turn it down? Is it cuz es pass nitch? You need a fancy family? Let me tell you dear parents your daughter wants to get married so don’t turn down when you get a offer and then ………..
This is a common problem that I don’t see any articles about but it is spoken alot. We pray for you to have a simcha this month

Not their fault!
Guest
Not their fault!

I’m also a mother who begs Hashem for my daughter…. And I know that her friends try and pray for her bh….I never think they haven’t Ahavass Yisroel..Chass vesholem….it’s a nissoyon from Hashem and WE ALL pray for it to end soon….

So Tired....
Guest
So Tired....

This is such rubbish: I am sincerely sorry for your hurt, but this whole shidduch thing stinks. I tried joining the shidduchim to try to help my friends who were suffering and sounding just like you. But this is what I found: 1. Girls (Specifically) have this illusion that some knight in shining armor on a white horse is coming to sweep them off their feet: (He needs to have a full beard, he needs to be fit, he need to be learning, he needs to have a parnassa, he’s too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies…… Read more »

תהי שנת עבודת השידוכים
Guest
תהי שנת עבודת השידוכים

This Mom isn’t blaming! She is begging! Pleading with you to think about her daughter! Maybe you and your husband – on Shabbos – can think of all the single men you know and focus on this woman! Ask you friends to do the same. I know what the mom must be feeling. BH, I was married and BH have children! But it now 18 years that I am alone! and very lonely. BH, I have sibling,s children, and lots of friends. A few of them suggested some nice men over the years. No I am not picky, but my… Read more »

Shidduch
Guest
Shidduch

As a mother of a daughter looking for a shidduch, what pains me most is that the mothers of boys don’t want to make the effort to even look into my daughter’s profile because they have too many names so why even start to look into someone who is not from America; or because they don’t know our family yet. The ‘no’ is not even based on having looked into her and not finding her suitable; just superficialities. And yes,I have gotten many possibly suitable names from family but how do I get the boys’ parents to take the time… Read more »

Kol Hakavod
Guest
Kol Hakavod

This letter is long overdue. I can say that I have seen other girls and boys in the same situation and they are the forgotten ones. There are married friends who do try to make shidduchim but they don’t always work but it is the effort that goes into it that counts. I have made 3 shidduchim and none for family members. I try and do my part in helping the singles in my community and even those that are overseas. It pains me to see what is happening. I don’t have children of marriageable age yet and I wonder… Read more »

They do forget their friends, yes they do
Guest
They do forget their friends, yes they do

And divorced friends too 🙂 gam lereahu yisana rash, veohavei ashir rabim. Vedal merehu yipared. Solomon

Shidach
Guest
Shidach

I know a bad shadchen takes your mony and forgets about you

Mother's Pain
Guest
Mother's Pain

To all married young couples: Do not try to justify your inaction
or agree with the article, discuss it over coffee and go on with your lives!! Do something, think of someone; the way someone thought of you!

daughter
Guest
daughter

ur daughter sounds great! would i be good for her?

To #44
Guest
To #44

1. Noone said those friends Have kids. Infact most of them DO NOT have kids yet. 2. No, we do not do it to get it in return, clearly we dont, because it happens over and over again and we still are there for our friends. When we do all that we do for our engaged friends, its because we are good friends. All we are asking is for that in return 3.As a single girl we also have responsibilities ans i had responsibilities when the friend got engaged. We work (some of us more than one job), go to… Read more »

Give all Lubavitch boys perfect education
Guest
Give all Lubavitch boys perfect education

To all community , start invest in your kids education , specially boys that by age 21 -22 he will have good parnosah to provide for his family , this will low the bride age to 18 automatically !!!

Single bochur's perspective on being there for a friend
Guest
Single bochur's perspective on being there for a friend

As a Single Bochur when i travel or fly to a friends chassuna or stay at their lchaim till late at night i consider it “chesed shel emes”. To have the pretence that they will come to your chassuna or be there when you need them leads to disappointment as your expectations are not realistic. Peoples life’s change and things come up. One should be ,mindful that the top thing on their mind after changes of such magnitude isn’t their friend, they are trying to work their own life’s and marriage out. When I help a friend, if i where… Read more »

we can't fix them.
Guest
we can't fix them.

I spend hours everyday thinking about all the unmarried people in my community. I look at the list and think about people I might know for each one. I have made many suggestions over the years and I’m always told, “Oh, we wouldn’t want anyone from that family.” Or “She’s just not our type.” And there are the parents who think their children are so special and different, but to the rest of us we can see that their kids are pretty much the same as all the other unmarried kids. What about the married without children? We daven for… Read more »

JUST READ THIS POST.
Guest
JUST READ THIS POST.

My comment is to #26.

You wrote that the author is blaming others and focusing on negative attitudes.You know nothing of the writer yet you are an expert on her emotional state and character. Let’s not forget your knowledge of her mothering skills. I have never read a more cold and simply mean comment. Certainly one thing is clear, YOU would NEVER put your self out there to do a favor for a friend.

thanks
Guest
thanks

every time a friend makes a suggestion for me I appreciate it, even if it’s far off. It means they’re thinking about me and that in itself is encouraging. Thanks to the friends who do this.

Friend.
Guest
Friend.

While on the topic of friends helping friends, it is not only shiduchim where friends are hurting. There are many people suffering unfortunately in other areas as well, financial stress, a sick child….. If we would stop and think of how we can make it just a little easier for someone els we would see a huge difference for the better in all our friends and within ourselves.

This worked for me
Guest
This worked for me

My friends were all long married and I was not. Some one told me that if I would say the entire thillim everyday for 40 days it’s a segula for a shidduch. Well I did just that and believe it or not on that last day a phone call came , we went out, I took one look at him and just knew this was it. Well worth the wait and happily married for 18 yrs kah !

Try it it works!

JUST READ THIS POST.
Guest
JUST READ THIS POST.

To 43,
Don’t you ‘get angry”. It’s so easy to write nothing like you did . Did you stop to think that maybe the mother writing this letter is a mother who does make constant calls? Who perhaps has exhausted so many possibilities she is just speaking from her broken heart? WE FIND IT SO EASY TO SHRUG SOMEONES HEARTACHES AWAY. A woman in our community wrote this painful letter, she means it from her heart. Do not attempt to simplify or negate the message,

Married friend
Guest
Married friend

I was one of the first girls in my class to get married. Although I spent a lot of time setting my friends up , I never mentioned a name to them until I got a positive answer from the boys side. Unfortunately the boys have more names and the answer was usually negative . My friends had no idea how much effort I put into helping them and although I acted casual around them I did hurt and feel for them more then they will ever know. Besures toves!

ooyyyyyyyyyy
Guest
ooyyyyyyyyyy

Thank you for your kind letter. I found that you left out, when people do research on your child, how the information giver will make up loshon hara about the family or child to deliberately ruin the shidduch.

great idea number six, i would love to talk to you
Guest
great idea number six, i would love to talk to you

who are to help girls or boys 26, 27, 28
why not? id love to her what you have to say?

TOTALLY AGREE WITH ARTICLE
Guest
TOTALLY AGREE WITH ARTICLE

it would be nice to say that they tried . it would be nice to say that “oh well she is picky” as one of my daughter’s good friends once said to her. nothing is further from the truth. they have dropped off her radar screen, they have less time for her . and still she keeps up with them ADMosai!

thank you
Guest
thank you

its good to know we’re not alone in this and that other people feel the same. thanks for expressing it to others

MOTHER 770
Guest
MOTHER 770

PLEASE REACH TO YOUR CLASSMATES, FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND INVITE THEM MORE OFTEN.
TO ALL YOUNG MARRIED COUPLES DO NOT KNOW YOUR SINGLES FRIENDS JUST TO SUPPORT YOUR BAIS CHABAD BY REQUESTING A CHECK !
BUT REACH THEM OUT AND ACT BY HELPING THEM OUT, SHARING NAMES, DO NOT DELAY

Let's blame someone!
Guest
Let's blame someone!

It can’t be that the friends either have depleted their ideas, or are not good at coming up with good ones, or probably have tried to come up with ideas the mother didn’t approve of.
Or even if they all sometimes have good ideas, doesn’t mean the daughter gets married just because the friends really want her to.
But yeah, let’s blame someone, so why not her friends, who likely care about her not being married more than you know.

so so true
Guest
so so true

as a single girl, sometimes i’m stunned by the behavior of girl’s. the day after there wedding, the “friend” that spent with you hours upon hours – just doesn’t don’t exist anymore. and it’s not just shidduchim. how about the long Friday nights? shabbes afternoon? chol hamoed? vacations?

Difficult time
Guest
Difficult time

My daughter is 27, getting married in one month. All of her close circle of friends were married at 19; have three children. I did not know where this Shidduch would come from; I literally worked on it every day for years and years, without stopping. In the end a Shaddchun suggested it; a Shaddchun who I thought had forgot about my daugther; a Shaddchun who basically told me not to nag her three years ago so I never called her back. It is a boy who lives across the street from friends of our son, the boy works with… Read more »

Kidush
Guest
Kidush

did you make her a kidush when she was born? if not make one now! good luck!!!

friends with no reasons
Guest
friends with no reasons

I’m a married lady who has suggested a number of men to my 29/30/31 year old friends but all I get is “thanks for thinking of me”. I have no idea which direction to take or what was wrong with my offer

HUGE THANK YOU!
Guest
HUGE THANK YOU!

Just putting a thank you out there to my dear, awesome married and busy friends, who haven’t forgotten about me and do take the time to think and try!
Love you guys!

To #62
Guest
To #62

Uh oh, you’re contradicting yourself, you say #26 is too judgmental without knowing the circumstance, yet you end off “certainly you would never do a favor for a friend” if that’s your take cause somone has a “opinion” you’re quite judgmental yourself!

Oh, the assumptions...
Guest
Oh, the assumptions...

I love how everyone assumes singles have nothing to spend money on except vacations & clothes & entertainment. I am single, work 80+ hours per week, never eat out, have never been on vacation and am responsible for all my own needs (rent, bills, healthcare, food etc.) and anything extra goes either into furthering my career prospects (education etc.) or straight into savings for either my wedding or a down-payment some day (and, unforunately, we are talking a very small amount so far). Most of my married friends are a lot better off financially and work a whole lot less.

take any guy?
Guest
take any guy?

some of the comments here are astounding. just because a girl is “older” doesn’t mean she needs to settle for any male. There is nothing wrong with expecting a guy to have a job/career and a plan to support his family. It’s really not a lot to ask.

Married was once single
Guest
Married was once single

I remember how hard it was for me when I was in the dating stage and how much my married friends were constantly bringing up Ideas and helping me out. A true friend so there for you no matter what, married….with a kid….no matter what stage or what life brings. A friend that is not there for you was never a true friend in the first place. I now always try to think of ideas for my single friends but just as it is hard for the parents to think of suggestions along with shadchan in so too is it… Read more »

Real Friends are always Friends, the orthers pretend to be your friends, when they need you
Guest
Real Friends are always Friends, the orthers pretend to be your friends, when they need you

I was once in a chssidishe shul when the shul was pretty empty (maybe three four people), amongst us was an elder chosid (who was a gevaldige bal chesed beside beinng a first grade kria rebbe for many many years) in his younger years he actually learnt in lubavitch. He struck up a conversation with us re; shidduchim and mentioned the names of many of (anash) bouchrim and girls ,that need to be helped with shidduchim, so someone said to him what can we do, he gave the yungerman a slap in the face and said , “do you at… Read more »

Right on
Guest
Right on

I didn’t read all the comments, but this is so true. Introducing people by way of friends is such a good idea but so overlooked and neglected, in my opinion. I’m also single and I have an acquaintance who is friendly with a man who I know is single and I would love to be introduced, but they haven’t thought about it. Please help us out!!!!

Make a Keli
Guest
Make a Keli

If i am correct the rebbe said to make a “Keli to receive Brochos. take on an hachlota, something the the Rebbe pushed for or something.

Maybe you have a point
Guest
Maybe you have a point

but who says we haven’t tried? I tried to set up high school classmates. Didn’t work. A few almost worked but didn’t get far enough to actually become an official suggestion. I STILL try, even though B”H my high school classmates are all married, to find shidduchim for friends I made after high school. For some reason it never works out. Is that my fault? Should I have told you every time, so that you could get your hopes up only to be let down again? Should I have told you every time, only to find out that you aren’t… Read more »

#83 100% Correct
Guest
#83 100% Correct

Beautiful storie we all need to take it to heart.
Nothing more-Nothing less.

Citizen Berel
Guest
Citizen Berel

I know 3 men between 25 and 35 who have been looking for years. 2 of them are not crazy. I know 2 girls who have been looking for years. The 2 girls will not entertain even dating the 2 previous despite my wife’s entreaties. One wants a ‘looker’ and one is bothered by the family. There are plenty of men who want dates. Who are pining to get married. I know for a fact that they will date pretty much anybody. They cannot get dates. They work hard but don’t make much money. But Brocho comes by virtue of… Read more »

Grow up
Guest
Grow up

Very good if you’re great at helping out your single friends. She is obviously not addressing you then. Obviously collectively more can be done and it’s great that you are not part of the collective that is falling short on what they can do. Gee whiz.

dan lechaf zchus
Guest
dan lechaf zchus

We all understand your pain.
H’ has a plan and we all know that. Your daughter will find her beshert in the right time. The time that H’ finds right.
I have heard lately numerous cases of divorces among young couples. Happily married is all relative. Our society is very demanding and the values are distorted. We have to look for the right priorities.

bh
Guest
bh

i thank hashem every day that my kids are married . b h
i have one more to go
i feel yr pain momy who wrote this
may hashem hear yr cry’s and answear quick

Blame Game?
Guest
Blame Game?

This article is complete garbage. Don’t blame your daughter not being married on her friends.

mom2
Guest
mom2

The issue is not usually the best closest friends.There are people who were good friends throughout school sat next to each other in class etc.After they get married (first) they ignore their single friends.It is very painful.And yes when a girl made an effort to come be misameach your simcha because she felt it was the right thing to do why is it you do not even bother to show up when it is finally her turn?Where is your sense of obligation.Is your heart so cold that you do not care.?Show up for 10 minutes if you can’t do more.If… Read more »

Hit the mark!
Guest
Hit the mark!

What a pleasure to read Sensible Op-ED that puts the stress on “how we get out of the situation” and not “it’s your falt why I’m in this situation”.

Brad steinhults

hold your comments till you are married.
Guest
hold your comments till you are married.

To those that are upset at their friends who don’t reciprocate the late nights at simchas etc. Wait till yo u are married with kids and then you’ll rethink your comment. No matter how busy a single is you can not compare it to being a mother.Sorry.

Seriously?
Guest
Seriously?

Dear #9 – Come on,
Did you settle when you got married? Should I have to settle because I’m older?

to#84
Guest
to#84

You could believe there some folks who don’t want to get married.

a mentch and Yiras Shamayim!!
Guest
a mentch and Yiras Shamayim!!

Lets have our priorities straight. There are things in the area of Yiras Shamayim that should be non-negotiable. Every Tznius, Chassidish girl has the right to request that the boy be Chassidish. To comment #50: The following concerns by Tznius Chassidush girls are valid: (He needs to have a full beard, he’s too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies… etc.) ”

The best recipe for stability in a marriage, is to make sure he’s a mentch and a Yiras Shamayim!!

LCW
Guest
LCW

dear mother, I hear your pain and frustration. Alot of us have been there, each of us with a different story. I can only tell you as much as I can think of, to help you. (and see, we are all commenting here, so there are people who care). I would say that you can NEVER be sure that people are not helping. You don’t know what phone calls are made. What would they do, call you and tell you that something was suggested? If it was not viable for any reason, you would not hear that, so you don’t… Read more »

A broken mother
Guest
A broken mother

My doughter became 39 years, smart thin capable, any one know shaschanim??? Please help us

I am crying
Guest
I am crying

Dear Shadchanim of Crown Heights and Dear Friends, You cannot imagine how many phone calls I have made in behalf of my 23 year old beautiful, educated tsniusdike,daughter who does chesed and has exemplary midos. Yet it is very hard to get a return phone call or a name even suggested. Tell me what is going on. My heart is broken. It bleeds for my child and for other children. There has got to be a better way. She is not the type to go out and find her own. She is Chassidish. What is the answer????? Is anyone listening???

I am single
Guest
I am single

My friends are married, the last of our group got married this year, leaving just me,
Although there is some truth to this article, Id like to thank my personal married friends for doing their part, and I’d like to say that I do see some marrieds not falling into the trap of selfishness described in some of these comments, so thank you thank you to those married boys and girls who can think beyond their own noses and have tried to help their single friends and cousins, as my friends have.
There is hope to humanity!

Unfortunately
Guest
Unfortunately

To me, it sounds like you are more hurt then your daughter. If she’s going to her friends, and helping them with the babies, and being there for them is because she is fine with the situation. She understands that Hashem has plans for her, and it’s not her friends fault that she isn’t married yet. Maybe they tried finding someone for her, maybe they already suggested someone, or maybe they don’t know someone to suggest. Taking conclusions is easy, but to act is different. So maybe you should also act more, and not post an anonymous letter on COL,… Read more »

Stop Passing Judgement
Guest
Stop Passing Judgement

To all those who claim single girls are just being picky and need to be more open minded or more serious about commitment – you are either incredibly judgmental or just plain smug. True there may be some individuals acting as such, but how can you make blanket statement like that? Can you understand the pain, loneliness, and fear that singles go through? The pitying glances they need to endure, the patronizing, judgmental attitudes of others towards them? Can you comprehend the frustration singles feel when they continuously try to be open-minded, try to date people who may not be… Read more »

Just a thought
Guest
Just a thought

Keep in mind, if a single rejects your suggestion – maybe, just maybe she/he has a valid reason for doing so. Don’t jump to conclusions and scream foul right away.

Get them married young
Guest
Get them married young

18 for girls and 20 for boys and this crises will end!

levi r
Guest
levi r

shadchanim are a waste of time and $. network with friends. speak to one more person EVERY day. and Use chicagoshiduch and other such groups

Achievement
Guest
Achievement

Why is it top priority for most of these chassidish parents to have their daughters married off by age 19? Life expectancy is so much higher than it was even 50 years ago.

to#106
Guest
to#106

Will they be supporting themselves? That does not solve anything but make them more dependent on others. Times change.

to # 14
Guest
to # 14

from ur first comment and second comment, it is clear that u haven’t experienced married life. clearly when people marry, they wake up to life and grow out of their stupidity. I hope that happens to u because ur comment was an embarrassment! how dare you judge someone in a situation that u have never been in yet???? yes I would spend close to a hundred dollars on my friends showers and weddings as a single girl. but once I got married and had bills to pay that u clearly don’t have, im grateful when I can scratch together 10$… Read more »

a father
Guest
a father

I pray that this girl and all other girls find their bashert quickly.

Experienced
Guest
Experienced

As an “older” girl myself I must say that I have thought this very idea many many times over the last 10 or so years of my dating life. To all those who say – “how do u know what people do for you”? Or “it’s not the married friends responsibility” I can tell you this – I am a very social outgoing person who seems to know “everyone” in many different countries (I even am embarrassed at this characterization when people constantly say it to me) . I went to 3 different school, seminaries, day camps etc etc and… Read more »

read #83 again!
Guest
read #83 again!

for all those who claim they r doing something ….THE ARTICLE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU! so stop it with the ME ME ME AND ME AGAIN! KEEP ON DOING !! EVERYDAY TAKE 10 MINUTES !

Dear Mom,
Guest
Dear Mom,

Bitterness won’t help your daughter get married.If I wanted to list my family issues with gezunt,parnasa,frumkait, and that’s just a start,I’d be here all day. It’s up to each of us to work on our emunah and simcha! THIS OPENS THE CHANNELS FOR BRACHAs! Hatzlacha.

to 106
Guest
to 106

Check the maturity level of an average 18 year old girl and a 20 year old boy. Tell them to get married….you’d be looking at a divorce crisis.

sympathize however not so simple...
Guest
sympathize however not so simple...

If finding a marriage was so simple there wouldn’t need to be a section on collive called shidduchim sos. I hear what you are saying but in truth neither finding one’s bashert nor ahavas yisroel are easy tasks. On the other hand there are some ways ways in which we complicate this process even more than it must be. By this I mean rejecting possible shidduchim because somebody thinks they are “shpitz” and so “important” but the other doesn’t have “good enough yichus”.

Sorry, but...
Guest
Sorry, but...

I’m married now for about a year and I ALWAYS think of my friends. I actively suggest people for them and I always follow up and see if things went through or not. A lot of times my friends don’t even know that I was the one to suggest something, because I go straight to a Shadchan and tell them to suggest it for me. I even harass my husband to think of people for my friends! I think it’s extremely unfair to say that married friends forget about their single friends. I am very happily married and I want… Read more »

YOU People are ICE Cold!!!
Guest
YOU People are ICE Cold!!!

Wow, Many of you are terribly condescending–this is a MOTHER in pain. If you have nothing supportive to say simply moooove on! And… to poster 99 the social worker… you made many valid points–however I wish they had come from a place of support and love. Any time a person begins their statement with “I don’t mean to be condescending….” they generally are. I am assuming you are gentler with your clientele.

to #101
Guest
to #101

I might know a boy for your daughter (obviously, I don’t know either of you, but I’m basing my suggestion on your description and her age). Email me at [email protected].

ahavas yisroel for frum yiden residing in crown hights as well
Guest
ahavas yisroel for frum yiden residing in crown hights as well

the late scholar and chosid reb moshe aharon geisinsky obm would often say :af al pi shelo choto is also yisroel hu….

Don't forget the shadchanim!!
Guest
Don't forget the shadchanim!!

Just a reminder to thank the shadchanim who are working or have worked on your child. Send them a gift send them a check send them a thank you card. It goes a long way.they don’t owe anyone anything and are not paid for the time. And of course you will be on their minds more often.

Perplexed
Guest
Perplexed

Have come up with ideas for older girls just to have their moms turn down for no good reason. Girls – look for yourself. Maybe mom’s fault you are not married

Kallah at 49 B"H
Guest
Kallah at 49 B"H

The Rebbe gave important advice regarding shidduchim and marriage throughout the years. Anyone involved in any way might want to review this great wisdom and then to follow the Rebbe’s advice. If one is not fluent in Yiddish or Hebrew, a three-volume set, ETERNAL JOY, (which had not been published 15 years ago) will clarify many of the issues expressed by the distraught mother and those who have made comments.
With gratitude to Hashem, the Rebbe, and all dear friends and teachers, may we hear wonderful news soon! All the best.

Sad Sad Sad...
Guest
Sad Sad Sad...

I know of many people in the same situation. There is a great Facebook group, although it’s not so busy, perhaps you can look at that. I know some people who have been helped through it. Just a PSA: https://www.facebook.com/groups/635946716449912/

(this is not meant to be an advertisement – it’s a free service meant to help people in dire need)

Let’s all pray that everyone will find their true Basheret soon.

collive
Guest
collive

Crazy thought, but by reading these comments, there are a lot of older singles.
Just as you have on the side columns, employment, for rent etc why don’t you have simple shedding profiles with an email address for more info?

Iy"H
Guest
Iy"H

Many of my daughter’s friends have 5 and 6 kids. This is very painful.

Spoilt for choice?
Guest
Spoilt for choice?

Was it always this difficult to match up frum youngsters and even oldsters back in the day? Is it because it is such a judgemental world out there, and although there is more free flow in the way of choice, contrariwise it is too much of an ‘easy come, easy go’ route. If either party refuses to compromise just a bit on desirable attributes, it might be because there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea’ type of attitude.

Sometimes the mother is the problem.
Guest
Sometimes the mother is the problem.

I found my husband at age 20.5 and my younger sister found hers when she was 23. I had gone on exactly one “proper” shidduch date; my sister was set up [through my mother] with dozens. Both of us ended up with DIY shidduchim…all of her trying to be a good girl didn’t help, because our mother just wasn’t looking for what we needed. She was looking for what she wanted. For goodness’ sake, after wondering whether she should give me the okay, asking her rav, being told that it was a good shidduch, and then us getting engaged –… Read more »

we need to create something different
Guest
we need to create something different

Chevre We need to create something different
Unfortunately some married girls re not happy and this is why would not look for their friends
I have a 21 years old daugther, she is beautiful,she is a great girl, works in Chessed and learns,has money, People don’t look her profile, because they don’t know the family Maybe to make a group for people out of Crown Heights?

A Sisterly Suggestion
Guest
A Sisterly Suggestion

It took me years to find my bashert, and, BH, I have a great marriage, about to celebrate our 15th. When I reached a time of unbearable despair, a friend suggested a book called The Rules (not a frum book, but a bestseller). I ran to the bookstore, laughed and cried as I read it in one sitting. I saw myself on every page. I began practicing the techniques and interested men started coming out of the woodwork! A few weeks later I met my husband– he started proposing on our first date! The book makes some very important points… Read more »

to 128
Guest
to 128

agree one hundred percent!!! a lot of mothers have not a clue what the child really wants, . and it also irks me to no end when and older girls do not make her own phone calls and relies on other people to do it for her. seriously!!, at some point ( in your late 20s and 30s), please stop relying on pple to look into the guy for you. it becomes such a waste of time when someone else has to make phone calls for you and be the middle man. you at this point in your life, (should)… Read more »

Class 101 on EMPATHY.
Guest
Class 101 on EMPATHY.

Rule 1: Just listen and let whoever is doing the speaking BE HEARD. This mother wants to be heard. Just listen, understand she is going through a hard time. Don’t make judgements or be antagonistic… What is that accomplishing for you or anyone? This scenario may or may not have happened with you , but it HAS happened with this mother, so let her speak her heart out… (For the record, I happen to be a single 28 year old female. The years of pain and grief are behind me (for how long can you be envious of other people… Read more »

To #128
Guest
To #128

That’s horrible. I’m sorry you had to get married in spite of, rather than with the help of, your mother! It’s crucial for girls (and boys!) to have a Mashpia–who, by definition, is not Nogei’ah B’Davar.

here's an idea
Guest
here's an idea

Maybe the married friends see what marriage is all about and they want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer.

Don't know the specifics of case...
Guest
Don't know the specifics of case...

…and maybe these friends have suggested shidduchim for this woman’s daughter, but the fact is that once a young woman gets married, she often forget about her single friends and joins a different circle.

Email me her resume
Guest
Email me her resume
Really sad
Guest
Really sad

to see how many people wrote that the married friends see what married life is about and want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer. Marriage is supposed to be happy. Not saying it doesn’t take work, but if you don’t want your friends to be married, because you are miserable, then there is something wrong. Kal v’chomer if this is something that is felt by a lot of people in the chevra… Again, I’m not saying that married life is perfect (it’s not, believe me) but I am thankful every day that I have my husband and… Read more »

don't add to her pain, help her
Guest
don't add to her pain, help her

To all the people who are writing that the mother of the girl is wrong, that she should be the one responsible to get a shidduch for her daughter, that the mother is wrong to blame her daughters married friends for not getting a shidduch for her daughter… SHAME ON YOU ALL!!! The mother of the girl did not state in her letter that it is the fault of her daughters friends that her daughter is not married!!! She is plainly crying for help. The married friends can certainly spend 10 minutes a day, or perhaps 10 or 15 minutes… Read more »

Yes!!!
Guest
Yes!!!

Dear mom.
I fell the same!!
Ad mosai!!

to#137
Guest
to#137

Only one comment mention that, so please don’t exaggerate.

DARE TO BE SILENT
Guest
DARE TO BE SILENT

This mother is just crying for help.
Is this going to be talk.
Or TACHLIS
We need group men/ women
To help these girls.
WE DARE NOT BE SILENT

IMH THIS COULD BE YOUR ANS
Guest
IMH THIS COULD BE YOUR ANS

Check this out
Taking place in
SHIDDUCHGROUPNETWORK.COM/EVENTS

to 129
Guest
to 129

email the resume to
[email protected]

A return to the old fashion way
Guest
A return to the old fashion way

When I was dating in the 60’s , we met on our own. We didn’t have to depend on our friends, not to say that introductions weren’t sometlimes made by friends. There was no such thing as a Shaddchan or a “resume” We attended singles events,. We met in school or at work.We went on singles weekends. We didn’t have to be helped along by a shaddchan There were no shaddchanim at theses events. Also the events were not limited to a select few. The more people who came the better for one’s chances of meeting..At weddings, single men and… Read more »

Birds of a Feather Flock Together
Guest
Birds of a Feather Flock Together

You may have forgotten what a life-changing event getting married and starting a family is. When a girl gets married and has kids, she spends less time with her single friends and more time with other married women with kids. We all seek out people similar to us, especially in social status, so they understand us. It is likely that your daughter’s friends just don’t know that many men who are A) eligible, B) in the right age range, C) in the right hashkafa, AND D) would be a good match. Just because they have a single brother-in-law doesn’t mean… Read more »

Mr y
Guest
Mr y

May this year be a huge sweetness for us ALL.

X