Community news website COLlive.com is launching a new video series titled Gett Abuse, offering a perspective based on halacha and hashkafa about spouses who refuse to get divorced according to Jewish law.
The series was created at the request of leading Chabad rabbonim from around North America and other poskim and dayanim.
They asked to raise public awareness to this issue that has been keeping women (and even men) “chained” and unable to move on with their lives after separation and civil divorce.
Moderator: Chony Milecki, a resident of Crown Heights who is a Jewish recording artist and music arranger.
Guests of the premiere episode:
Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak (YY) Jacobson, one of the most sought-after speakers in the Jewish world, who lectures to Jewish and non-Jewish audiences on six continents and in fifty states. Rabbi Jacobson founded and serves as Dean of TheYeshiva.net, where he teaches, via the web, some of the most popular Torah classes in the world. He serves as a Maggid Shiur at Beth Medrash Ohr Chaim, in Monsey, NY.
Rabbi Avraham Kahan is the Founder and Rosh Beis Din of Beis Din Vaad Hadin V’Horaah and the Rav of Congregation Khal New City. He was raised in the Monsey area and learned in Yeshiva Gedola of Passaic and Yeshivas Brisk. After marriage, he and his wife settled in Yerushalayim where he learned in Kollel Ohel Yesharim (Rav Yitzchock Florinz). Rabbi Kahan received semicha from Rav Zalman Nechemia Goldberg, Rav Akiva Wosner, and Rav Yosek Auker. He learned practical shimush in hora’ah from many esteemed rabbonim.
Tune in this Motzoei Shabbos, 18 Sivan – 29 May at 10:30 PM Eastern Time.
LIVE:
Would any of these leading Rabbis wish to clarify what the impetus was to make the request at this particular time?
Why does anything happen at a particular time?
Because it’s needed and people need to know, men and women, what it is and how it’s used. And hopefully how it can stop.
I hope you never are in the situation of this terrible abuse.
It started a few months ago when it became know that a women was waiting 10 years for a get. One special women on social media has made a great movement to help women such as her and since then many women have obtained their gets. Some women are waiting 10,17, even 35 years to obtain a get become public knowledge. Before it was very hush hush and these women were sitting in quiet. These women don’t have to suffer anymore and there are righteous women / men who are working tirelessly to free these women from this abuse.
Recently alot of topics are being addressed openly before,it’s the times we’re living in, and just recently there were discussions on collive on eating disorders,selfharm and post covid anxiety in children. This topic of gett abuse is very important ,and it shouldn’t stop here.
👏🏆💪🙌
Its important to remember that men can be victims too. There have been a number of cases of wives holding husbands hostage, and all too often its men who get blamed.
it clearly says men too. And it’s men speaking and moderating. I’ve never seen them forget about the men.
Doesn’t the man have the say when it comes to a gett? She doesn’t have a say in it,he can give or not and a woman doesn’t have the power to give or refuse a gett.
He can’t divorce her against her will.
Hold that a women has the right to choose not to accept the gett. Both parties have to agree.
Women can and do refuse. They also receive the get and then seek to destroy men in secular court, alienate their children from him, lie openly and use the secular system to inflict severe life changing damage on him. Rabbis and people I’m the community enable this abuse on a massive scale.
Men also use the courts and legal system against their exes
I know of a woman and child who suffered trauma of being dragged to court because the man just couldn’t stop his abuse and control over her even after divorce. Court battles should always be avoided as much as possible unless there’s really no alternative.
The Jerusalem Beis Din has imposed an ongoing weekly fine on a woman who refuses to accept a get from her husband The fine of NIS 1,250 a week was approved by Chief Rabbi Dovid Lau and also received the legal approval of Supreme Court Chief Justice Esther Hayut. The couple involved in the case married 30 years ago in the United States, have eight children and immigrated to Israel about 15 years ago. They have had ongoing marital problems and over the years many attempts have been made to resolve their disputes. Eventually, the members of the Jerusalem Regional… Read more »
Most the time it’s the men
Rare cases it’s the women
Most Time it’s the men
Who refuse to gett
Ik a mother in ch who her ex hasn’t given her gett in ten years
That’s not normal so don’t telling me it the women’s fault.
In America, you’re right, it’s majority the men who are withholding the get. But in Israel, it’s majority the women. This i heard from a rov.
Where did you get your information from, that you spoke so matter of factly? Is that just the way you feel? If yes, let me tell you something. By default you’re not an accurate source of information. Don’t say things without research.
After giving the get à m’en can fight for his rights … if hé claims to be à victim…
I think there should be more marriage education in the begining of a couples marriage such as Chossen and Kallah teachers making sure everything is ok at least until after the couple has their first child. Alot of all these negative experience could be avoided. And many couples should learn child education courses after their baby is born. Education will lead to happier marriages!
The above comment advocating more marriage education in the beginning of a couples marriage is the mission of my non profit in Eretz Yisrael Together in Happiness/B’Yachad B’Osher.. For ten years we have been in the forefront of this cause including having a strong Chabad presence at the historic Knesset Seminar on Pre marriage Education (ie.g.,Rebbetzin Goldie Plotkin presented the Torah perspective keynote address) co hosted by my non profit in 2017. However it takes a “Village” of stakeholders including Rabbis, Rebbitzins, chatan and kallah teachers, parents and couples to commit the time and resources to make this topic into… Read more »
But maybe include a woman on your panel, especially on this topic
Finally some rabbis stepping up.
This is a good initiative!
Thank you
There needs to be accountability regarding marriage. When one side decides to abdicate responsibility and remains closed to negotiations, that means it’s time for the rabbis to take action. When the woman is refusing to take the gett, there is something called a heter meah rabbonim. When the man refuses to give the gett, there is a halacha known as bittul kidushin (marriage annulment.) There have been great rabbis who have done bittul kidushin. These rabbis include Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, The Har Tzvi and the Beit Av, to name a few. Unfortunately, due to ignorance, there is a lot of… Read more »
Taking a wild bet here that you can’t read a single Teshuvah on the topic, or cite any evidence that R. Moshe Feinstein used this so-called “heter.”
Leave halachah to Rabbonim.
That’s a fallacy, if I’ve ever seen one. Destroy the messenger, in order to avoid the message. If you actually bet on my knowledge on the topic of bittul kidushin, you lost your money. Happens to be, I’m one of the top experts on this topic. The laws of bitul kidushin are very complex and I am not able to post it all here. It seems that you have a problem with accountability, and you are ok with abuse of women. I doubt your issue here has anything to do with halacha. Please don’t corrupt my torah by denying that… Read more »
This is an urgent issue!
Get refusal is abuse.Period.
Men that don’t give a get are not real men
Real men respect women.
Time for the rabbis to figure out a solution for this crisis.
This is more important than worrying about bugs in berries and broccoli.
taking a stance in this important issue.
I suffered in a marriage and then waited over a year for a Get, only to be told my everyone how “lucky” I am that it was so short. The fact that that is the response and the other one is that people don’t understand that this “actually happens.” is a huge problem. In the old country, the men would beat the husband and actually exclude him from the community until he gave the get. Now they tell you “We can possibly issue a seiruv but most shuls in Crown Heights won’t know/may still give alliyahs….” and “there’s very little… Read more »
Engaging ie befriending a get refuser is enabling the get refuser to continue his behavior
There is much apathy in the Lubavitch community regarding this issue.
People have to feel this crisis as if it was their own sister.
There are plenty get refusers in our communities.
Wake up and speak to the victims and stop enabling the abusers.
Most get refusers are men.
Small percentage of women are get refusers.
In America, it’s majority men, but in Israel it’s majority women. This I heard from a rov. Don’t make up facts without research.
Even if EY is mainly women, (which may have something to do with the fact that the beis din sides very much with the men there)
compared to the rest of the world, where it is mainly men,
It is still MOSTLY MEN.
TY Choni for getting involved.
People get upset when truth is brought out to the public.
Keep speaking truth!
Ignore the people that are trying to silence you.
Who are competent rabbis for Lubavitch women to go to?
Crown Heights rabbonim have directed people to the Beis Din Of America.
Please post the last letter of the Rebbe here
ty
If a man is found to be abusive he should not have the ability to decide to stay married or not .
Playing with fire.
Another important thing to understand.
People are not knowledgeable in abuse and narcissism.
Once one understands the nature or abuse ,these behaviors are all understandable.
That untreated emotional illness destroys any hope of shalom bayis & then the abuse is continued in Bais Din and/or secular court – whether by a husband or a wife enormous suffering is experienced. Our Rabbonim have a responsibility to recognize mental illness just as they are trained to recognize a kosher or unkosher animal. There is still way too much lack of understanding among the Rabbis and generations are suffering
Time stalling is one of the biggest tactics of abusers
My ex husband drew things out to the last moment in 3 batei dinim. Delay delay delay in marriage and then in the divorce. It’s awful (and so expensive!!!!!)
Many abusers use “love” as a reason.
We want to stay in the marriage in the name of love .
Very common answer of the refuser
I had a “friend” tell me that the fact that he wouldn’t give me a Get showed how much he “loved” me…because he wouldn’t let me go. I was so disgusted
Nice idea about teamwork.
However-
People help for a bit.Abusers are hard to tackle and therefore people give up after a while ,and the crisis ensues
Ty R Jacobson for bringing up this idea .I’m sure people who truly care and see the desperate need of a support team ,will not give up even after helping for an extended amount of time.
Rav Kahan is a great clear headed Rov
We want more of you
Thanks
The Jewish Press has a powerful gittin Seruv section
If I’m not mistaken the jewish press has been on gett refuser cases for years
jewish press and gittin brings negative feelings. have they always sided with the halachic side or sometimes with get refusers?
How do you mean?
There are maybe 10 names on it.
Many of them for years long
This was incredible-Thank you to all the organizers.
Thank you col this is the best things you have done for our community exposing what is going on in our community in Crown Heights. I hope there is a follow up interview.
Thank you organizers ,and thank you Rabbi Jacobson and Rabbi Kahan for this brave ,informative and amazing session .
A lot of the time activists wreck salvageable marriages and raise a storm when sitting both sides down and calming things may resolve the issue or actually save a marriage. No discussion is made of the terrible detriment that divorce has on kids (I know, there’ll be a million commentators saying that it’s not, that it’s even “good” – all real research on this issue and common sense both disagree). The sensationalization of this issue without any context is harmful, as a spouse making reasonable steps and waiting the period that Rav Hutner is reason to vilify the spouse who… Read more »
Well said.
They selectively quote the Rebbe’s letters on Gittin without quoting the tens of letters (including many to wives and mothers -the potential single ones) about the importance of maintaining a marriage and the tragedy of a Gett.
In the Rebbes words- Chas vesholom.
Again and again.
The Rebbe was against abuse.
Nice try though
We are talking about gittin, not abuse. This is only an issue of abuse when one deliberately and unjustly witholds the gett or refuses to acept it to benefit or spite the other party. Giving the gett as part of a just resolution has nothing to do with abuse.
I’d like to see a time frame for those steps.
Does not take years and wish washy follow up.
Also if the woman is no longer interested, the man can try his hardest,but it is not up to one party to decide to stay married.
Time stalling is one of the most famous tactics they use.
When the fighting in the house gets bad, it’s healthier to separate and have only one parent in the home to make it a peaceful home. Kids seem much happier now. Getting reports from numerous contacts.
Thank you !!! So relieving to hear rabanim talking openly and clearing about how to deal with get abuse an Get refusers. Thank you very much
Rav Kahan comes across knowing of the Rebbe’s Sichos
A breath of fresh air!
I found it very respectful how they spoke about the big case in crown heights
Obviously they are trying to help bedarchei shalom and still won’t spell out his name. I daven that he has a hisorerus to do teshuva and do the right thing
How does one contact Rabbi Kahan and/or Rabbi Jacobson? This was a breath of fresh air to listen to this. Thank you
Thank you and please continue.
I am currently separated for close to a year. I suffered for 9 long years with an emotionally Ill husband. I went to Drs and therapists until things spiraled out of control and I could no longer take care of him. I am requesting a divorce and he is not “showing up” exactly like Rabbi YY says. It is so frustrating and downright hurtful to me. After killing myself for these 9 years, I still have to go through this tormenting pain. I always thought my in laws had my back, because they knew how sick their son is. I… Read more »
Reach out to the bais din of America. They were able to make my ex husband come to the table. I know this suffering. I am so sorry you do too.
It would be helpful if collive will interview dayonei chabad on this topic . Would it be possible for rabbi Ulman and Rabbi Yosef Feigelstock and some more Chabad Dayanim outside of eretz Yisroel make a committee to help agunos? Like A vaad Rabbanei Chabad bechul, leinyanei agunos? It would be helpful! Some things that I think could help women are: A list of chabad dayanim who can have authority over gittin to the exclusion of any other Chabad Rabbis who are not qualified to have opinions and have authority of dealing with matters of agunas in their communities. (since… Read more »
The choice of the rabbis have to be based on criteria that would probably not be acceptable to one side or the other. As the rabbis said, you cannot force a person to use a particular beis din.
In fact, almost every Lubavitch bochur receives Smicha in Yoreh Deah, which covers the laws of Kashrus (and Niddah, which bochurim don’t study). The laws of Gittin are found in Even HaEzer, together with the laws of marriage, having children and other family related laws.
The Rebbe was one of the biggest advocates of healthy marriages.
There is also a very sharp letter about the Rebbe replying to an abuser.
Abuse is never OK.
Who was talking about abuse. The issue is the normal situation, and facilitating an amicable divorce including a gett. Don’t take it off into abuse, whichh is much rarer and different.
When someone refuses to give a gett for an extended period of time, that is abuse. And is a good indicator that there was other abuse going on within the marriage. It doesn’t start with the gett.
IS domestic abuse.
CH is still very much in the dark about what domestic abuse is.
One must read up on it and get enlightened so they can understand the crisis at hand.
Abusers don’t care about rabbis or rules.
Their control and need for power completely consume them.
Many DO care about image
Don’t let them fool you with their manipulative tactics.
Learn how they operate and then you will understand how to tackle this crisis.
They are smooth talkers; very manipulative and can be quite charming.
Believe the victim and support them.
Believe the victim and support them.
Who is the victim? Is it always obvious?
No, because people lie, men and women. There are a huge number of false police complaints because lawyers advise a complaint to get the husband removed from the home with no evidence. Abuse, like every other crime, should be innocent until proven guilty in an evidence based hearing. If social services support the claim, they must show evidence why. We do not believe accusations blindly, ever.
Filing a complaint with zero evidence Will get you nowhere and false evidence will actually work against you by social services and the courts and this applies to wether you’re a man or a woman. There’s no bias . And more often than not , men get away with abuse and woman are not believed and called liars and even abusers by their own abusers.
Awareness of sexual abuse was brought to CH by a series of lectures and talks arranged by Mrs. Bronya Schaffer. She just about single handedly – with no cooperation of any of our mosdos – arranged meetings and lectures with Dr. David Pelcowitz who came a whole bunch of times to speak to our community. This was in 2007-2009. He spoke with the rabbonim of CH, and the principals of all our schools. And then many talks open to the public.
This discussion shows that the Crown Heights community is keen on raising awareness with regards to the agunah crisis. Some people have been dealing with this crisis for years, and one thing that has emerged is that the gett should be given in a year. If it goes on longer than that, then it becomes very difficult to receive.
For the abuser, the need for revenge and control is stronger than any rabbi or halacha.
The hard- but painful truth.
He is not worried about halacha or G-d.
It is about his need to control and blame the wife for his inadequacies and failures.
Most get refusers will blame the wife for ruining the family unit.
What they fail to realize is that the unit was already broken by the abuse addiction etc .Once the marriage is broken and unsalvageable there’s no need to drag the children into the pain and suffering that an unhealthy marriage causes.
It is very common that the abuser will refuse help or treatment.
Many women stay in the marriage and hope the spouse will get help.
If a man refuses to get help and save the marriage that is one of the biggest red flags.
Marriage takes two parties and commitment of both people to save the marriage.
If you hear that one party refuses to allow any intervention ,recognize that this behavior is not one of someone who is seeking help and solutions .
In most cases,abusers blame the vicitim and take no responsibility for their actions.
Many people in the community can’t believe that a frum man would behave abusively (physical, emotional,sexual abuse)
There are two sides to many abusers.
Don’t be fooled and think that he can not be behaving this way because he seems very religious.
It’s all a show.
Fortunately today many victims are recording the abuse so people will see the truth with their own eyes.
Seeing is believing.
It takes much strength to leave an abusive marriage.
Kudos to those women who have left unhealthy marriages and showed their children right from wrong.
Those children will make the best spouses because they can recognize toxic and unhealthy behaviors,and will choose the healthy path for themselves.
The Rebbe is Amazing. Thank you for sharing this,I’ve never heard this in my life.
rabbi kahan seems to be talented, dedicated and honest. He”s a talmid of rav meir stern shlit”a of passaic. i would be happy to know if r.kahan has the full backing of rav meir stern in this new imitative. please clarify. thank you.
why all the “- ” negative replies to this comment?
Similarly, if the husband makes the divorce dependent on an action,6 the same rules that govern a get that takes effect after a specific time apply. For example, [a husband] said to [his] wife: “This is your get, but the divorce does not take effect until you give me 200 zuz.” After [the woman] gives [the money], the divorce takes effect.7 In this instance [as well], there is no need to restate the condition [in both a positive and negative form], nor to comply with the other requirements of conditional agreements that we have explained. For this person has not divorced [his wife] conditionally –… Read more »