By Toby Lieder for COLlive.com
Generations ago, the matchmaking scene was totally different then it is today. Women looked for a G-d fearing kind man, and a good provider. Men looked for a warm nurturing woman, that would raise their kids embodied with love, affection, and a happy home.
Today, their new challenge is to not only find the above but to look for our ‘soulmates. Not just a Nurturer but a partner in a marriage that can fulfill their emotional, spiritual and physical needs. They must have not only good communication skills, but also find the humor in everyday life, patient with kids, intelligent to make smart decisions, be very responsible and reliable, and be an honest person. He/she needs to be balanced in their religiousness. No extremes. In addition, they must be Street Smart, Ambitious, Loyal and Authentic. Be emotionally stable, and a good job. Be very involved in the community, and also be a Family Man! Some are looking for 7 people in one!
Realistically, no one can have ALL the above qualities. That would make a perfect person. I have come up with a formula that can help us downsize this dream list to only 5, I call these 5 GOLD! Choosing only 5 core values makes it more realistic and possible to reach.
Think about how you would like your ideal spouse to be. Whatever comes to your mind write it down. Select from your list 5 dealbreakers. These are your chosen 5 Core values that you need your spouse to have or be. You would not date him if he did not qualify these 5! It’s your GOLD.
Have in mind the next time you date to look out for and check-in that they actually have your selected values.
VALUE CHOICES: Choose 5
1. EMOTIONALLY STABLE:
Are they emotionally and mentally well balanced? Are they vulnerable? Do they self-express? Do they have emotional baggage? Do they have good emotional IQ? Does this person come from a secure, healthy warm family environment? What sort of a role model are their parents? Was there peace in their home? How do they manage their anger? Are they Self-Aware? Are they self-centered, narcissistic? Are they short-tempered or in control of their emotions? Do they say, “Big Deal, it’s all for the best” or do they panic, are anxious?
2. HONESTY / INTEGRITY:
Are they Authentic and Real? Do they have Integrity? Do they mean what they say?
Are they loyal and trustworthy? Are they honest, someone you can fully trust and not be afraid to be yourself? Do they cut corners and try to get away with rules or the law?
3. SENSE OF HUMOR:
Are they more serious, or more chilled about life? Some people have a great sense of humor and can laugh off their problems while finding the humor in everyday life situations. Do people enjoy being around them? Are they light or high maintenance?
4.GROWTH ORIENTED:
Is this person one that enjoys a good book? Do they get easily inspired and like to share it? Are they eager to grow spiritually/ emotionally? Are they open to change? To go up a level.
. RESPECT / MENTSCH:
Does this person respect everyone equally? Are they accepting of all types? Do they respect themselves? Do they carry a sense of respect for service providers such as Uber drivers or waiters? Are they a Mensch? Do they say please and thank you? Do they hold open the door for people? Do they shout scream, or swear freely, or talk softly? Do people say of them they’re a mentsch?
6. KIND:
Is this person known to go out of their way for another person? Do they put other people’s needs ahead of their own? Are they a giving person by nature? Are they compassionate, and have consideration of people’s time, space, and property? Are they sensitive to other people’s feelings? Do they make fun of and put people down easily? Are they humble? What’s their ego like? Are they caring and thoughtful, loving and warm? Are they generous or a penny pincher, very calculated? Are they ever involved in any community service or chesed organization?
7. OPEN-MINDED:
Is this person open-minded, or stubborn and stuck in their own ways? Are they easy-going and more flexible or is it ‘their’ way or the highway? Can they easily say, “Let’s agree to disagree”?
8. LEARNED, EDUCATED
Is this person the more studious type? Are they educated or worldly? Do they pick up a book to further their interests in any knowledge, Jewish or secular and have a shiur at least once a week? Is Learning an area of strength or weakness for them? Are they more learned or active?
9. WISE, STREET SMART:
Are they equipped with a good sense of common sense (which is not so common!) How street smart are they? Can they book an airline ticket easily? Are they Intelligent /Smart? Can they make wise decisions? Shop sensibly and manage a household? Do they know how to pay bills and be independent? Can they have deep and meaningful conversations? Are they smart?
10. POSITIVE / NEGATIVE
Some people always see the good in every situation. They say, “It’s meant to be” or “Big Deal” naturally. They are able to let go of things easily and see the positive in all or most situations. Is everything ‘hard’ for them to do? Are they critical always pointing out the negatives? Do they constantly complain about everything and everyone? The Schools, the Shuls, the Rabbis, the Govt, the Weather? Are they the Happy Positive type that most people are attracted to be with them.
11. NATURE / PERSONALITY:
Are they the relaxed laid-back type by nature, or always on the go? Are they a good communicator, or always in a rush? More adventurous or stay at home type?
12.RESPONSIBLE, RELIABLE:
Are they Reliable, Goal Oriented, and Dependable? Are they financially secure? Studying for a degree? Ambitious? Self-Motivated, and Driven? Are they a Team Player? Are they self-disciplined? Do they have a respectful position/job? Are they put-together? A Go-Getter? Can they take on management positions? Can you rely on them? Are they dependable?
13.SELF-CONFIDENCE:
Do they have a good sense of self-esteem? Can you look up to this person? Do they have a sense of dignity? Do they have a good self-confidence? Good self-worth? Do they feel good in their own skin? Are they self-assured? Are they a quality person? Do they carry a good sense of self-worth? Are they sophisticated? Classy? Do people respect them?
14. ORGANIZED, CLEAN:
Are they by nature a clean organized person? Do they need everything to be in order, be neat and clean at all times? Are they messy or sloppy by nature? OCD? How important is it that your spouse be clean, orderly and well presented? Can this be substitutable? What’s if they’re not orderly?
15. FAMILY ORIENTED:
Are they into family picnics, rituals, birthdays, Family First attitude? How important is FAMILY to them? What is their relationship with their parents? Siblings? Do they speak well of them? What size family do they envision for themself? How important is it that they see their family as #1?
16. HEALTH:
What is his or her state of health – mentally and emotionally? Does the family have any medical history that is important to know about?
17. MENTOR:
Are they the type that other people would look up to them for advice, as an advisor to others? Does your spouse have to have a mentor?
18. HOBBIES, SPARE TIME:
What do they do when they have some ‘spare’ time? Who do they enjoy hanging out with? Who are their friends? Where do they like to go to socialize? What are their talents, and interests? What is their sense of fun and a good vacation? What are their hobbies? Are they an ‘outdoorsy’ adventurous fun type? Do they enjoy traveling?
19. JOB:
What sort of a job and position do they have? Are they financially stable? What do they plan to do after they are married, workwise? What do they expect the role of the wife/husband to be like generally?
20. YIDDISHKIET/RELIGIOUSNESS:
Does your future spouse have to value 100% Shabbos, kosher and family purity? What are your expectations of your spouse regarding minyan, tznius? How about Shabbos meals and guests? How strictly do you want Halacha/Jewish law in your home? What are your boundaries about music and entertainment?
Toby Lieder of Melbourne, Australia, is an inspirational speaker, matchmaker and dating coach for over 40 years. She will be available in Crown Heights during the week of the Kinus Hashluchos (Feb 12-19, 2020) for coaching and interviewing on Shidduchim. Appointments are limited contact: [email protected]
I would rename that as temperament
It seems like all the same spices are in each dish…
Many of the characteristics over-lap.
These are great questions to ask oneself during dating. However, many of these qualities are PREREQUISITE to having a stable relationship (ex emotional stability and integrity).
You are still describing an unrealistic perfect person
I have yet to meet a human being that has all of the above
Lucky is the one who gets 4 or 5 of the above qualities
Just curious to what happens to the girls or boys that don’t have the above
If they are vulnerable more anxious not so confident etc
Do they not have a chance ?
This list is Not so realistic in my opinion
The intention of this article is to bring an awareness to Su goes if possible choices they can make when looking for a spouse. This is not a list of requirements. I am sorry it was understood this way.
This list is just a variety of different values that one can choose for themselves what they need most. i suggest to select 5 CORE VALUES and that will be your guide to Help in your search For the right spouse. Sorry it was misunderstood.
yes, we need to remember that the boys and girls are still young.
Hi! The point may have gotten missed by accident. Let me explain. This is just a guide, like a menu of possible core values that one can use to choose from that he/she needs in a spouse. When you get a menu in a restaurant it’s not to eat everything on the menu it’s a selection from which you can choose from. Right? This is the intention of the article. To help make it easier for singles to have a choice menu of possible core values to choose from for their future spouse. Please don’t take it so literally. It… Read more »
This list is a menu like a restaurant menu of choices.
It was created to help singles have an easy reference list of choices of CORE VALUES that can be useful in selecting the right suitable candidate for a spouse. That’s all it was intended to be for. To help ease the shidduch ride. From this list one may choose their 5 non negotiables, their 5 core values that will be their Point of reference to assist in choosing the right partner for them in marriage
This is sharing a list of good values that one can choose from. It is a service to singles to enable them to have an easier time Thinking selecting what they really need in a Shiddich. That’s all it was meant to be here for. Not to display the perfect person. Sorry for your misunderstanding. This is just a list of choices for you to select from for your future spouse. It is suggested to choose only 5 and stick by it. These 5 are the values you need the most in a shodduch and that is what your shadchan… Read more »
Toby Lieder is the best shadchan and dating coach in town. She cares and dedicated herself 101% to every person she interviews. I have had the orivalege if being coached by Toby and highly recommend her to anyone needing a Shiddich or some clarity. She has given me a sense of clarity that I didn’t know I was missing u til we did the analyzing together what I most need
Wow, this really helped me clarify what I was looking for in a Shidduch. Thank you Mrs Lieder! You’re the best!
What I think could be beneficial here….. 1. Make singles aware of important qualities. Sometimes singles are in dreamland…. money, beauty charisma, charm. Etc. But if these concepts are brought up to them, they might have an aha moment. And realize that they need to be more realistic of what they search for in a match! 2. Yes nobody is perfect, so what is really important to you? For example, yes coming from an emotionally healthy family is very important, and everyone would prefer that. I have a friend who comes from an amazingly emotionally healthy family, and this friend,… Read more »
I don’t see why you cannot find mr or Mrs perfect! If you come in with the right attitude you can find all what you are looking for! Maybe sometimes you are not using the three step process 1. Thank Hashem 2. Believe that all is for the good 3. Only listen to close friends. I personally found Mrs perfect (besides the reading book thing)
Mrs. Lieder really helped me with clarity and direction in what I was looking for. She is very knowledgeable in shidduchim and although she is involved in many shidduchim related things yet at the same time she is very approachable and very responsive… Almost like she is caring for only me! Other qualities I picked up from her as a shidduch coach/shadchan were her being practical, sensitive, encouraging, positive and enthusiastic. Overall a very good experience and it was definitely worth it!!!
Toby really helped me clarify my expectations before dating. Her tools were so helpful and we always refer back to them as a point of reference. My husband and I are so grateful for having the coaching and clarity that Toby provides. I couldn’t reccomend her workshop enough!
If the shidduch crisis isn’t bad enough, imperfect people will be seeking perfect spouses that score perfectly in all areas!
It has to be the perfect shidduch for you!
The list is a great place to start to make you aware of different aspects of human nature and relationships, but start by a realistic assessment of yourself, and see what YOUR core 5 values are, and the extent to need to see them in the other person.
Thanks for the article.
I went to see Mrs Lieder last time she was in NY.
She gives you the space and time to focus and analyse all that is important to you. She has conversations with you that digs very deep to challenge your thinking and then come up at the end with your 5 bottom -line real values that are super important Also downsizing my long list to the 5 most important valyes.
Mrs Lieder is very experienced in this area and it is a very worthwhile investment. I went into dating knowing exactly what I needed and actually got it!
This is great to use in formulating “research” questions. Helps me focus on my child’s core values to see , even before dating, if the suggestion is shayich.
Thank you Mrs Lieder!
She describes an angel in her prerequisites. No wonder there are so many singles floating around.
The standards she mentions are rare, very rare, in fact. If people are determined to fins a spouse with these qualities and these qualities only, then expect the shidduch rate, bad as it is, to dip even lower than the current numbers.