The Rebbe and the Abandoned Boy With Special Needs

By Rabbi Dr. Solomon Wulliger, HasidicArchives.com

I always recognized people with special needs as a part of society to be respected and treated the same as others. In fact, in the early 1970s, there were several regulars with special needs at my synagogue in the Canarsie neighborhood of Brooklyn.

When I became involved with the special-needs population, the overall attitude toward this segment of our society was negative. It was no different in the Jewish community. At the time, most of New York’s Jewish special-needs population was housed in the Willowbrook State School, a large complex in Staten Island, New York.

That facility was eventually shuttered after an investigative report into its many failures. This allowed an entirely new approach to be developed. By 1975, community-based homes were sprouting across the state. The state also opened the Brooklyn Developmental Center, where I eventually became a chaplain.

However, developing group homes in Jewish neighborhoods was extremely controversial. Jewish community leaders – and non-Jewish too – were unaware of the extent of the population of people with special needs. This was very painful for me and others involved with this situation.

My Son Dov

Dov was born with Down syndrome. His biological parents were deeply distressed, and soon chose not to keep the child. His mother would call him “it” and found it difficult to acknowledge him as a human being; their 14th child was not like the others.

However, before coming to a final resolution, they approached the Lubavitcher Rebbe. The Rebbe saw their great pain. He also saw that they had already come to a decision. When I later met the parents, Dov’s father told me that the Rebbe said, “G-d should guide him in the right way.”

The parents made arrangements for Dov to be transferred to a home in upstate New York. The parents did not inform their children, who were mostly young adults at the time, that they had a brother with Down syndrome. They assumed that their newborn brother had died.

While Dov resided in the institution, a woman of the Catholic faith took a great liking to him. She was kind enough to take Dov home for weekends, and eventually was prepared to have Dov live with her on a permanent basis.

When I found out that this was happening, I immediately initiated tremendous efforts to keep Dov in a Jewish home. Clearly, my issues with this adoption had nothing to do with the wonderful woman who had nurtured, loved and cared for Dov. The matter was that I felt it critical to keep children in homes of their faith.

The task was not easy, and many people were involved. At one point, I was told that I’d lose my job if I continued writing articles on the topic. I responded, “Tell the Commissioner that if this is the case, he does not need a Jewish chaplain. As a chaplain, my job is to advocate and ensure that Jewish people do not enter homes outside their faith.”

At one point I nearly gave up, and I wrote to the Rebbe – who took great interest in Dov – that I might quit the case. I felt that his birth parents had given him up, so why must I do more than them? The Rebbe’s response was unequivocal: You must continue your efforts.

We were ultimately successful. Yet the tribulations were just beginning. The task of finding a Jewish home for the boy was overwhelming and futile. Through the process, Dov frequently spent Shabbos at my home, where my wife and children welcomed him. The Hebrew Academy for Special Children (HASC) agreed to take care of Dov’s educational needs. Eventually, my family graciously agreed that Dov should live with us and join our family in every way. Dov, since the age of five, has been an integral part of our family, and we have watched him grow into a fine and healthy young man.

I feel today that, as the Rebbe said, G-d miraculously guided Dov in the right way. However, there are so many others who are not as lucky, and we need to ensure that others won’t be abandoned.

Religious Observance

One of my partners in advocating for people with special needs was Dr. Robert Wilkes, a social worker at Long Island Hospital and chairman of Region II Council for Mental Health. He once wrote to the Rebbe, of saintly memory, seeking his guidance. In his response, the Rebbe clearly embraced the concept of community-based homes for special-needs people, and offered fundamental suggestions on how to implement them.

The Rebbe also discussed the importance of integrating religious practice into the lives of Jewish special-needs people. The Rebbe wrote: “If the child is involved in Jewish education and activities – and not in some general and peripheral way, but in a regular and tangible way, such as in the actual performance of mitzvahs, customs and traditions – it would give him a sense of belonging and attachment, and a firm anchorage to hold on to, whether consciously or subconsciously.”

I have seen this with my own eyes.

Dov loves to attend synagogue, to put on tefillin and to pray daily. He feels very connected to all the Jewish holidays. I also see this on a regular basis at our weekly religious services at the development center. As much as the attendees act out at different times, during services there is rarely an issue. In addition, when we organize Jewish holiday events, they love them, bond with them and fully participate – each one on their level.

On the morning of Dov’s bar mitzvah, we went to pray at Lubavitch World Headquarters – 770 Eastern Parkway. I suggested that Dov receive a relatively easy task during the Torah reading, so that someone could help him. Yet he was called up to the Torah to receive an aliyah. The Lubavitcher Rebbe was there, and I was anxious that Dov might make a mistake while reciting the blessing, be uncooperative and make a scene. Yet Dov proudly stepped up to the Torah and recited the blessings fluently.

When it came to Dov’s bar mitzvah celebration, we made a grand event. The Rebbe sent two letters, one just for Dov and one to us. As we had written on the invitation, the Rebbe did not refer to him as our son, but rather as “Mr. Dov.” Yet he wished us “mazel tov” and wrote that we should derive “much true spiritual delight from him.” This gesture from the Rebbe was very moving, and showed his appreciation for our efforts.

I would like to note that when I met Dov’s biological father shortly before the bar mitzvah, I told him of the upcoming celebration, and he purchased a pair of tefillin for Dov.

The Group Home

In a letter to the first Conference on Mental Retardation in 1980, which we organized under the Jewish Community Relations Council (JCRC) and which took place at the New York offices of the UJA Federation, the Rebbe was unequivocally against calling the special-needs population “retarded.”

The Rebbe suggested that we refer to them as special people. The Rebbe explained that retardation implies a permanent and hopeless condition. However, people with special needs can be educated and trained to progress.

This is clear to me, and today, many years later, is standard practice.

We now know that with early intervention, special education and proper healthcare, as well as opportunities to reside in the mainstream, this segment can adapt well to a socialized lifestyle in the community. They are regular people; they feel, think and hope just like everyone else. Despite their limitations, people with special needs are more similar to than different from the “average” person. Having such a family member only means that one will need a little more patience.

Perhaps the most debated topic is group homes and how they should function. On this topic, the Rebbe wrote to Dr. Wilkes: “I believe that the approach should be the same as in the case of all pupils or students who spend part of their time in group environments – school, dormitory, summer camp, etc., and part of their time in the midst of their families, whether every day, or at weekends, etc. Only by individual approach and evaluation can it be determined which individual fits into which category.”

This approach has been extremely successful in many Jewish homes. In our case, Dov comes home from his group home on a weekly basis. We spend quality time together while enjoying his constant growth and development. At the HASC residence, he is in a wonderful environment.

We never anticipated the impact Dov would have on our lives. Ultimately, as much as we did for him, Dov has given more to us.

 

Rabbi Dr. Solomon Wulliger is Chaplain Emeritus of the Brooklyn Office for People With Developmental Disabilities. This article is an excerpt from Dignified Differences: A Special Soul in the Advice for Life series by Hasidic Archives (2015), it is available on HasidicArchives.com.