By Sheina
Recently, I sat down and scrolled through my contacts, my grade WhatsApp group, and then my sem group and found two eligible girls for each of the guys I have dated. Then, I sent that list to a Shadchan. I told a few friends about it, and they did the same thing. Why?
I dated 3 bochurim, and after each person I dated, I couldn’t help but think, “Now some random bochur knows me so well, he knows what I’m looking for and what my personality is – can he think of a friend for me?!”
Also, wouldn’t it be nice to know that if we had to go out and date (Hashem has his reasons!), we could at least feel like we can make it “worth it” and try to make another Shidduch now!
So, here’s my new idea to help the Shidduch system: When a Shidduch ends without an engagement, the two sides get asked to send the Shadchan two names of friends or classmates that they think could potentially work for the other person. That’s it!
The Shadchan can then look into them or simply pass on the names.
This way, right when a shidduch is over, you already have new suggestions to start working on – suggestions from a person you just spent a while getting to know!
Now singles, you might be thinking, “I’m not a Shadchan. How can I think of Shidduchim?” Well, go through a list of names (class chats, yearbooks, Chabad match database) and say them out loud, slowly. Think hard and use your imagination. Look for similar families and similar “vibes.” Don’t get too nitty gritty; don’t get stuck on details. If it somewhat makes sense – suggest it!
A good friend of mine dated someone, ended it and then suggested him to a friend of hers. That couple is now happily married – and so grateful!
Parents of singles: Wouldn’t you appreciate some suggestions from the bochur/girl that your child just spent hours dating?
Shadchanim: Why not ask each side to help out and think of some ideas after ending a Shidduch?
Singles: Let’s help each other out! Don’t be afraid that your suggestion won’t work out or might be embarrassing or weird – come on! We all appreciate a Shidduch suggestion, even if it is not the right one.
Let’s make some Shidduchim!
May everyone who needs a Shidduch find their Zivug very easily and quickly!
….
Resume? What’s that? Time to return to the good old fashion way.
Talk, ask questions, and many decent people will get a chance to be noticed.
Can this please become the norm!!
Great idea!!
Not a bad idea
It really depends on the sitch but yes that is a good idea
This is actually a great idea
So caring
That is how my mother met my father about 60 years ago. Referred by a former date. BH
Such a great idea!!!
TFS just a brilliant thought!
Let’s normalize this as a system
It’s a great idea . My daughter is married now but when she was dating she often tried to think of a friend for the person she had dated.
Very thoughtful and good ideas.
May you find your Zivug bekarov!
Not only for classmates but for anyone you know well enough, like from camps, Shlichus, etc,
But the reality is a whole lot different. Till it doesnt become a trend it just stays a unrealistic idea. And no I’m not pessimist I actually am thinking of shidduchim for others but no one answers emails or after 1 shidduch suggestion that was suggested already or didnt work out – that’s it the boy or girl stop responding to my other potential suggestions. Somethings definitely wrong in your generation system of yours….
Too much complaining and blaiming but not enough or barely doing….
Can COL,PLEASE, post the name of the shadchen whenever you post an engagement
Please don’t go there!
Everyone knows that for every shiduch there’s more than one sadchan taking credit
It would going down a convoluted path
Also: not everyone the creates a shiduch is or wants to be called a sadchan and don’t want others contacting them
Up to them. If they don’t want their name it won’t be posted.
Buy many do want the recognition.
And, perhaps it’s ok to have more than one Shadchan?
And now I feel nachas from the resulting marriage — and from the children born in the marriage (now those children are young adults!).
Amen!!
Yes brilliant idea!! Lets start this as a new thing!!
Good on you! Instead of complaining and throwing accusations around at Shadchan I’m you’re coming up with an answer to actually help. Love love love this idea!!
This is the type of girl I would want my kid to marry. My oldest boy is only 16 so that’s off the table. But grab this girl quik she is a good one. Someone happy to help another even when they may feel they lost out…
Win win. Perhaps prominent lecturers and shadchaniot can publicly endorse this and help make it a new norm
Terrible idea! Not because it’s really that bad an idea… It just simply won’t solve anything in the grand scheme of things. Also, not always is dating a new person right away a good thing, especially when the previous date was serious.
True, it won’t always work.
If someone was dumped, they won’t feel like offering someone else to get hurt. But if you dumped the date be a Mench and offer them someone else that you think might be a good fit.
Until both sides look into things and get the green light in can take 2-3 weeks easy, so your not jumping into anything too quick.
The same should apply to girls, Iv been dating for years, and especially the older girls are the ones saying not shayach….. they should keep an eye out for a girl that maybe.
Ps(profiles do a major disservice)
People are starting with video resumes. Frankly I think it’s a really good idea
This in theory will work in cases where the two dated 4 or so times so they at least got to know each other. On the other hand, it often happens that the dating ended with one seeing the other through a negative or underwhelming perspective. If thats how your date ended, do not suggest anyone.
If it’s just a matter of “not really my style”, then fire away.
Great idea and great attitude! May everyone find their match quickly and easily!
I insisted someone i weny out with several times was perfect for someone else. What i objected to, i knew she would love. I was right and they married and were happy
I don’t know, this doesn’t seem so revolutionary. This seems to be a very normal thing to do. At the same time, it’s a bit “eh”. Firstly, if it ended after 2-3 dates, you might truly know nothing about the person other than the fact that you weren’t compatible (maybe even just off of vibes). (As I, a 26 year old bochur, have experienced on a … few occasions) Secondly, if it went longer than that (as I have experienced as well…) the last thing a person might want to do is think about: 1) the person you just dated,… Read more »
Are you for real? So it’s not your mother’s fault for you not being grown up enough to say to yourself if it didnt work out it wasnt meant and let’s be GROWN UP MEN and move on? At the the shatchan IS trying to move forward and continue suggesting while you shut her down?! And then complain shatchanim are not doing their job. Stop complaining and man up. Rejection IS hurtful but don’t blame the shatchan – THAT’S IMMATURITY!
I can imagine that the scenario isn’t that he is blaming the shadchan for the shidduch not working out, but rather for how things were gone about. I’ve had shadchanim push me into continuing with a guy that she was related to, and “knew him better than me, and what I was seeing wasn’t the full picture yet”, and I was 20, so I listened. Got hurt way worse. Or a shadchan who told my now husband (BH) “maybe you aren’t chassidishe enough, and should look outside of chabad circles”. My point is, it’s not blaming the shadchanim, and it’s… Read more »
This is an excellent idea! I know of some marriages that came of that
Thank you Sheina for your suggestion. This is the best article ever. Yes, the best shidduchim are the ones that are suggested by friends. Just like someone else said, this should become the norm.
It’s a very interesting suggestion to help someone & or a friend to find a match. I find as a mother of a very intelligent son who can plan a menu, shop wisely, plan a budget , cooks the food in advance or prepares the food, planned & prepared his younger brother two years in advance for his bar mitzvah, helped a sister review all her Hayom Yoms for an upcoming test, wrote a wonderful speech about an adored principle including all the 10 spherot etc is not helping him get married any faster. No one seems to admire the… Read more »
If someone here finds this kind of a girl that has a true panimi & would be interested…. Here’s an email address [email protected] sincerest wishes for every single boy or girl looking to find their panimi zivug HappyPurim!
Great idea, but it depends on the situation