Sunday, 18 Iyyar, 5784
  |  May 26, 2024

The Question to Ask When a Shidduch Doesn’t Match

From the COLlive inbox: When a shidduch doesn’t match and dating is over, there is one more thing to do before moving on, writes a single Chabad woman. Full Story

Illustration photo: Andrej Lisakov/Unsplash

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Send us your resume
March 18, 2024 11:26 pm


No Way
Reply to  Send us your resume
March 19, 2024 1:02 am

Resume? What’s that? Time to return to the good old fashion way.
Talk, ask questions, and many decent people will get a chance to be noticed.

March 18, 2024 11:27 pm

Can this please become the norm!!

Great idea
March 18, 2024 11:29 pm

Great idea!!

March 18, 2024 11:32 pm

Not a bad idea
It really depends on the sitch but yes that is a good idea

Yes yes yes
March 18, 2024 11:41 pm

This is actually a great idea

March 18, 2024 11:47 pm

So caring

Its been done before - successfully - Good Idea
March 18, 2024 11:49 pm

That is how my mother met my father about 60 years ago. Referred by a former date. BH

March 18, 2024 11:51 pm

Such a great idea!!!
TFS just a brilliant thought!

March 18, 2024 11:52 pm

Let’s normalize this as a system

We do this
March 19, 2024 12:00 am

It’s a great idea . My daughter is married now but when she was dating she often tried to think of a friend for the person she had dated.

March 19, 2024 12:06 am

Very thoughtful and good ideas.

I love it
March 19, 2024 12:08 am

May you find your Zivug bekarov!

Great idea
March 19, 2024 12:08 am

Not only for classmates but for anyone you know well enough, like from camps, Shlichus, etc,

Thanks for the idea
March 19, 2024 12:20 am

But the reality is a whole lot different. Till it doesnt become a trend it just stays a unrealistic idea. And no I’m not pessimist I actually am thinking of shidduchim for others but no one answers emails or after 1 shidduch suggestion that was suggested already or didnt work out – that’s it the boy or girl stop responding to my other potential suggestions. Somethings definitely wrong in your generation system of yours….
Too much complaining and blaiming but not enough or barely doing….

Genius Idea
March 19, 2024 12:47 am

Can COL,PLEASE, post the name of the shadchen whenever you post an engagement

Reply to  Genius Idea
March 19, 2024 1:02 am

Please don’t go there!
Everyone knows that for every shiduch there’s more than one sadchan taking credit
It would going down a convoluted path
Also: not everyone the creates a shiduch is or wants to be called a sadchan and don’t want others contacting them

Reply to  No!!!!
March 19, 2024 6:18 pm

Up to them. If they don’t want their name it won’t be posted.
Buy many do want the recognition.
And, perhaps it’s ok to have more than one Shadchan?

I did this too, 25 years ago
March 19, 2024 12:55 am

And now I feel nachas from the resulting marriage — and from the children born in the marriage (now those children are young adults!).

Amazing idea!
March 19, 2024 2:24 am

Yes brilliant idea!! Lets start this as a new thing!!

Kol Halevi’s
March 19, 2024 3:10 am

Good on you! Instead of complaining and throwing accusations around at Shadchan I’m you’re coming up with an answer to actually help. Love love love this idea!!

March 19, 2024 4:22 am

This is the type of girl I would want my kid to marry. My oldest boy is only 16 so that’s off the table. But grab this girl quik she is a good one. Someone happy to help another even when they may feel they lost out…

Terrific idea
March 19, 2024 5:04 am

Win win. Perhaps prominent lecturers and shadchaniot can publicly endorse this and help make it a new norm

March 19, 2024 8:50 am

Terrible idea! Not because it’s really that bad an idea… It just simply won’t solve anything in the grand scheme of things. Also, not always is dating a new person right away a good thing, especially when the previous date was serious.

Reply to  Single
March 19, 2024 6:22 pm

True, it won’t always work.
If someone was dumped, they won’t feel like offering someone else to get hurt. But if you dumped the date be a Mench and offer them someone else that you think might be a good fit.
Until both sides look into things and get the green light in can take 2-3 weeks easy, so your not jumping into anything too quick.

To be fair
March 19, 2024 9:14 am

The same should apply to girls, Iv been dating for years, and especially the older girls are the ones saying not shayach….. they should keep an eye out for a girl that maybe.
Ps(profiles do a major disservice)

March 19, 2024 9:21 am

People are starting with video resumes. Frankly I think it’s a really good idea

Great Idea but beware.
March 19, 2024 11:06 am

This in theory will work in cases where the two dated 4 or so times so they at least got to know each other. On the other hand, it often happens that the dating ended with one seeing the other through a negative or underwhelming perspective. If thats how your date ended, do not suggest anyone.
If it’s just a matter of “not really my style”, then fire away.

Love this attitude!
March 19, 2024 1:00 pm

Great idea and great attitude! May everyone find their match quickly and easily!

It can work
March 19, 2024 1:15 pm

I insisted someone i weny out with several times was perfect for someone else. What i objected to, i knew she would love. I was right and they married and were happy

Isn't this pretty typical?
March 19, 2024 9:10 pm

I don’t know, this doesn’t seem so revolutionary. This seems to be a very normal thing to do. At the same time, it’s a bit “eh”. Firstly, if it ended after 2-3 dates, you might truly know nothing about the person other than the fact that you weren’t compatible (maybe even just off of vibes). (As I, a 26 year old bochur, have experienced on a … few occasions) Secondly, if it went longer than that (as I have experienced as well…) the last thing a person might want to do is think about: 1) the person you just dated,… Read more »

Why is it the shatchans fault?
Reply to  Isn't this pretty typical?
March 20, 2024 12:16 am

Are you for real? So it’s not your mother’s fault for you not being grown up enough to say to yourself if it didnt work out it wasnt meant and let’s be GROWN UP MEN and move on? At the the shatchan IS trying to move forward and continue suggesting while you shut her down?! And then complain shatchanim are not doing their job. Stop complaining and man up. Rejection IS hurtful but don’t blame the shatchan – THAT’S IMMATURITY!

You're quick to assume...
Reply to  Why is it the shatchans fault?
March 20, 2024 10:28 am

I can imagine that the scenario isn’t that he is blaming the shadchan for the shidduch not working out, but rather for how things were gone about. I’ve had shadchanim push me into continuing with a guy that she was related to, and “knew him better than me, and what I was seeing wasn’t the full picture yet”, and I was 20, so I listened. Got hurt way worse. Or a shadchan who told my now husband (BH) “maybe you aren’t chassidishe enough, and should look outside of chabad circles”. My point is, it’s not blaming the shadchanim, and it’s… Read more »

Wonderful !
March 19, 2024 9:30 pm

This is an excellent idea! I know of some marriages that came of that

Best Idea
March 21, 2024 7:49 pm

Thank you Sheina for your suggestion. This is the best article ever. Yes, the best shidduchim are the ones that are suggested by friends. Just like someone else said, this should become the norm.

Panimimi match
March 22, 2024 6:56 am

It’s a very interesting suggestion to help someone & or a friend to find a match. I find as a mother of a very intelligent son who can plan a menu, shop wisely, plan a budget , cooks the food in advance or prepares the food, planned & prepared his younger brother two years in advance for his bar mitzvah, helped a sister review all her Hayom Yoms for an upcoming test, wrote a wonderful speech about an adored principle including all the 10 spherot etc is not helping him get married any faster. No one seems to admire the… Read more »

Panimimi match continued
March 22, 2024 7:02 am

If someone here finds this kind of a girl that has a true panimi & would be interested…. Here’s an email address [email protected] sincerest wishes for every single boy or girl looking to find their panimi zivug HappyPurim!

Great idea
March 28, 2024 3:16 am

Great idea, but it depends on the situation