By Rabbi Mendy Katz – Miami, FL
From a very young age, my father taught me and instilled in me that the Rebbe was our life. Nothing was done without the Rebbe’s clear directive and blessing. Our lives totally revolved around the Rebbe. When the Rebbe asked that something be done, it was done immediately and automatically without question. If the Rebbe was speaking, we were listening. Even as very young children, we stayed up till two or three in the morning to listen to the farbrengens via live hookup or on satellite TV.
We traveled to New York often to see the Rebbe and be in his presence. From a very young age, I was enamored by the Rebbe like most young Lubavitcher kids. However, when I came to New York to go to Yeshiva in the summer of 1987, I became glued and not able to tear myself away. I rarely went home, I would not go to camp unless I was able to come in every shabbos for the Farbrengen. I was totally consumed.
We lived from week to week with the Farbrengen from the last Shabbos. The Rebbe was our entire life. There was nothing else. We did not want anything else, we did not need anything else. We were members of the most exclusive club. The Rebbe’s wish was our command. We were soldiers and the Rebbe was our general. We did not miss a davening, or a sicha or ‘dollars’. We were there untill the very last second of every five-hour Chaluka of every kovetz. There was noting more important then being in the Rebbe’s presence and doing what the Rebbe wanted us to do.
In 1992, the Rebbe sent us on shlichus to the yeshiva in Boston. We came in for Shabbos at least once a month. By divine providence, we came in for Shabbos Parshas Vayakhel, Chof Hey Adar 5752 (1992). On Sunday night, I davened Maariv with the Rebbe’s Minyan upstairs in zal. I was actually so close to the Rebbe, that I davened from the Rebbe’s siddur. During Maariv, the Rebbe was stuck on a line in Ahavas Olam for about five minutes. I remember Chonne Perman asking me after Marriv, what happened. That may have been an early warning sign of what would happen the next day.
We went back to Boston on Sunday night. On Monday evening, Chof Zayin Adar, we started getting the calls and the texts and the confusion and disbelief started to set in. Around 8:30 pm my cousin in Hatzalah confirmed what no one was openly saying in Chabad circles. The unbelievable and the impossible had happened, the Rebbe had a stroke.
I immediately begged my friends to rent a car and drive me to New York. I did not have a license and was at their mercy. No one was willing to drive me. Early the next morning, I took the “T” subway to the airport and took the first flight to New York.
When I arrived, people were walking around in a daze. There was no manual for this. Noone had any idea what they were supposed to do. People were holding Tehillim’s but most were too numb to even say any Tehillim. We split up into groups to always have one group at the Frierdiker Rebbe’s Ohel 24 hours a day. My shift was at 4:00 am. It was eerie and spooky. There were no lights there, so we used the car head-lights and flashlights to see. We poured our hearts out and said Tehillim. From the car, we listened to the sicha of the Rebbe about Mrs. Pesha Leah Lapine Hy”d horrific murder.
Hours turned into days. Another MRI truck, more doctors, more misinformation. More confusion more anxiety. People dancing, people crying. It was as if the world froze on Monday night and even though it was already Thursday night, it seemed like nothing had changed in all that time.
Days turned into weeks. I went back to Boston for a few days after my father begged me to. However, I just could not stay there. I picked again and went back to 770 and never returned to Boston again. Nothing made sense anymore. Everything we believed in was just shattered. How was it possible that the Rebbe who was our majestic, mighty leader and father could no longer walk or talk or even move his hand? The Rebbe was our everything. The Rebbe was why we woke up in the morning. I felt like my whole life was just utterly destroyed and I had nothing left. No belief system, no faith, no hope. There was just utter despair.
I moved into the Chotzer for the next two years, just hoping to hear something or see something. Just to be close by. We talked to every doctor, every nurse and every Mashbak. We watched the lights go on and go off. What was brought into the Rebbe and what was brought out.
The next two years were to be the most agonizing and anxious time in my life. There were the ups and the downs: Seeing the Rebbe for the first time since Chof Zayin Adar was after Tahalucha on Shavuos, seeing the Rebbe coming into the box in Shul, when they opened the blinds on the window and then on the balcony, the Rebbe being brought down into the shul on Sukkos, the Rebbe being rushed to the hospital for emergency gall bladder surgery, spending a Shabbos with the Rebbe in Mount Sinai Hospital, watching the Rebbe in obvious discomfort and pain, Seeing and knowing how all those who were working with the Rebbe had lost all reverence, hearing the Rebbe screaming in pain in his room night after night all the way in the Zal…
The really sad and painful events of those two years can never be told. They are just too painful and just not respectful to talk about.
Then came the ultimate slap in the face. Another massive blowout stroke on Chof Zayim Adar exactly two years to the day after the first one. I was in Los Angeles for a wedding where I found out. I was told that the situation was terrible and to get to New York right away. Again running to the airport, trying to get on flights. That was definitely the worst day in my life. Not knowing what was going on and being out of touch and fearing the worst. Again the confusion and distress all over again. Moving into Beth Israel hospital for weeks and then months on end.
Chof Zayin Adar is a terrible terrible day. A day that should bring uncontrollable tears to everyone’s eyes. A day that should make us stop and think about what we have missed for the past 27 years. How much we miss the Rebbe. We need to think about how the Rebbe suffered in pain for two years. Sometimes we need to stop and just be sad for a few hours. There is a time for everything. Chof Zayin Adar is a time to reflect and yes be somber for a few hours. Hopefully, thinking about the Rebbe will bring us even closer to the Rebbe and will help us to continue to fulfill the holy mission he gave us.
on a taines we fast….say sad slichos,remember the sad occurences ,and pray for improvment and better days!vchooloo!
Just pointing out, that Tisho Beov Leacharei Bias Hamoshiach Will be a Yom Tov, So therefore Leshitoscho Zol Men Yetzt Gein Tantzen oif Tishoh Beov???!!! When The Rebbe will come back Do Lemato Beguf Gashmi Kipshutoi Mamosh – Vyeihopeich Hayomim Hoeilu Lesosoin Ulesimcho – so then you will able to dance on these days but Not Now.
Just pointing out, that the Rebbe was the one that made gimel tamuz into a Yom tov – before 5754
not correct. we are frum yidden. Hashem is our life. the tzaddik is just there to help us realize that. bzchus this day of cheshbon hanefesh and bzchus the Rebbe ztl may we not forget that
Thank you for reawakening the feelings most of else felt yhat day. Everyone is jumping on the word SAD as if you are a Rishon. All the author meant this is a day one should reflect on what it means to lose seeing the Rebbe b’gashmuis.
Recheck. Merirus*
Atzvus doesn’t come from Kedusho, and therefore can not bring a person to Kedusho, Ma Se’ein Kein Merirus Comes from Kedusho and therefore brings a person to Kedusho. According to your philosophy: Why not to dance on Asoro Beteiveis Shivoh Osor Betamuz And Tishoh Beov?!… Will it not bring the geuloh sheleimo faster?!… Let Me Tel You Something: By people that Churbon Beis hamikdosh, Histalkus Tzadikim, 6,000,000, Chof Zayin Oder, And Gimel Tamuz Doesn’t R”L Mean Anything – SO THEY DONT NEED ANY GEULOH, BEACAUSE by THEM in THERE life NOTHING EVER HPENNED!!!… I have once met a person on… Read more »
last week’s shiurim in tanya are very important for learning how to deal with atzvus in a positive, constructive way
Nice and a little heart wrenching to hear your thoughts adn feelings. But some of it especially the ending is inconsistent with what the Rebbe taught us the Rebbe really is and what5 thr Rebbe wants and needs us to do to bring the Hisgalus. Some comment said atzvus is a waste of time. It is. But that’s the least of the issues. I’m not saying repress your feelings. I respect them and appreciate a guy who’s real in how he feels. But atzvus is something that IF we feel we should channel correctly and better, just be done with… Read more »
I wasn’t there 27 Adar 5752 I was a little boy bu the videos I have seen of that day and the next days is chassidim dancing to the nigin ‘de rebbe is gezunt’. The point is that although the situation can bring עצבות never the less the rebbe and the obershter want you to be happy and one of the ways to bring your self to happiness is throw dancing. the alter rebbe brings in Tanya perek 26 that if you will be sad you will lose your war with the yetzer hara. I believe the words the rebbe… Read more »
Beautiful article straight from the heart.
From day one (and even before), the Rebbe set out to get chasidus taught and printed. As the Rebbe said many times, the way to be mekoshur with him is by learning his Torah. Everything else is commentary.
I disagree with alot of this… The Rebbe is more than a person in one place The connection to the Rebbe, in many ways, has nothing to do with seeing him, or anything physical The Rebbe’s physical life is beyond our understanding and grasp, and in many ways there is no point to think about it Our job is to work, and most importantly to carry out our work with simcha and unwavering bitochin Now, many lubavitchers can say they never saw the Rebbe physically and they never experienced any of the days prior to 1994, they know the Rebbe… Read more »
Dancing and Jumping in the name of geuloh and Moshiach without any truth and without any Pnimiyus and without any cheshboin Hanefesh between yourself and the oibershter and between yourself and the rebbe is the Easiest way to go… Vyehopeich Hayoim Haze Lesosoin Ulesimcho Bekoroiv Mamosh Mamosh.
I wrote ONE OF THE ONLY
being sad isn’t going to bring you anywhere in life. you want to see the Rebbe do something about it, don’t waste a few hours in being sad.
Sometimes we need to stop and just be sad for a few hours. There is a time for everything. Chof Zayin Adar is a time to reflect and yes be somber for a few hours.
this words are completely not what the Rebbe want from us!!
טוט אלץ וואס איהר קענט אראפברענגען משיח . . בשמחה ובטוב לבב
this is the message from 27 Adar “כתית” – “ברוב שירה וזמרה”
Reading this brings back the memories. Sometimes I think, how bad things were then, but better than what we have now. Other times I think, at least the Rebbe is not in gashmiyusdiga pain.
Either way, to #1. I “enjoyed” reading this, I remember MK and his dedication was noticable, but why is he the “only true… ” Lubavitch is PACKED with dedicated Chasidishe bochurim and yungerlayt.
Mendy Katz is one of the only true Chasidisher men out there I remember Mendy as a bochur Mendy’s bitul to the rebbe Will never disappear
Mendy keep up your great work on bring the rebbe a lot of nachos
May we merit in the Geulah hamitis vehashlaimo NOW with the rebbe at our lead
NOW NOW NOW
MENDY YOUR THE BEST