Thursday, 17 Nisan, 5784
  |  April 25, 2024

Stop Saying “IY”H By You”

From the COLlive Inbox: I am what you would call an “older” single. I went to all the right schools and seminary, I got the right job, had the right friends, but here I am. Full Story

Glimpse of Hope Seen at Hospital Bed of Henya Federman

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The Rebbe’s Comment Before Yud Shevat

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February 4, 2023 9:53 pm

Thank you for writing such a positive grateful piece
I think you speak on behalf of many of us

Practical Tips
Reply to  Wow
February 5, 2023 1:27 pm

I don’t know you or your situation, so the advice I’m about to provide might not be relevant/applicable. Still, I feel that some people can benefit from my wisdom here. The shidduch system is far from perfect. Many people try to attribute its failure at marrying off large swaths of our population to mathematical or sociological phenomena—e.g., there are more girls than boys in the system, boys are too “superficial,” etc. Respectfully, however, I believe the issue to be far simpler. Dating people only through the shidduch system necessarily limits the number of people you’d consider for marriage. For a… Read more »

February 4, 2023 9:59 pm

Iy”h by you tho!

Not cute
Reply to  Agree!
February 5, 2023 1:23 am

The hurt that these words cause our older singles is very real. Some jokes are not really funny.

February 4, 2023 10:10 pm

respectfully, what is the money for?

I personally gained
Reply to  hatzlacha
February 5, 2023 10:05 am

from the many podcasts that they created which gave me hope and guidance

and I received a few shidduch suggestions after quite a dry spell due to their iniatives and marketing encouraging people to think of a match

2 points
February 4, 2023 10:14 pm

You addressed your parents, close friends and 1-2 shatchanim are their on your behalf thinking about you etc… be lucky some dont even have ANY of that!
Second: why when introducing myself to shatchanim the very first words are ” so who’s your mother etc… oh yes I know her etc…” hello?! How about ALL mothers (shatchanim who ARE mothers, besides mothers of boys and girls) dont exist – perhaps then we singles wouldnt have a shidduch crisis!

Agree, sort of .
February 4, 2023 10:27 pm

This article is true for older people, for younger people not really.
Also people shouldn’t stop giving others brochos, it just shouldn’t be said to them so as not to hurt their feelings.

Applies to everyone
Reply to  Agree, sort of .
February 5, 2023 4:31 am

I’m at the age where I can start Shidduchim but don’t feel ready. Yet any time someone hears my age it seems they have a moral obligation to think of someone for me on the spot. I think there just needs to be a bit more privacy. Take everything into account before you make that comment and please don’t say it before we turn 20. Even if you think they would want to hear it. I used to want to get married very young and have since realized it wouldn’t be the wise choice. You never know where someone is… Read more »

The problem is......
February 4, 2023 10:54 pm

Shiduchim are very very challenging, unfortunately /or fortunately parents and friend’s have the say, and before you know it (whether the boy or whether the girl, young or old) you’re engaged, if you’re asking me it could be 100% wrong, (it could be right as well) live and let’s live…… Take it step by step. Hey, if it doesn’t work out move on to the next one.
One consideration C”V what if there’s a divorce, who was there to blame?
Just my thought.

Amazing organization
February 4, 2023 11:13 pm

I will definitely donate

February 4, 2023 11:13 pm

From the very beginning of the letter I see that the way you think is that the main problem with everyone else, not with you. This is a typical reason a person not able to achieve. Yes, this is also a communal problem, I agree. The criticism would be more appealing if you had criticized both, community and yourself, and would sound more truefull. Instead, you try to prove yourself and readers that the problem is not with you and the proof does not sound convincing at all. Everyone try to say nice words to you, commenters and probably shadchanot,… Read more »

blame the single again
Reply to  CHT
February 5, 2023 3:34 am

yes, of course if someone is single it must be all her fault. and the people who are insulting singles at every opportunity – such as yourself clearly with you “hard love words” – are sweet, innocent, helpful people.

stop bullying people just because they didn’t get married on your terms

Great article
February 4, 2023 11:38 pm

Zalmy and yehudis you guys are amazing in what you do!!hatslocha in helping people meet there basherta!!

Keep the Imyh by you
February 5, 2023 12:03 am

Didnt like that line in shidduchim and still don’t like it as someone that does not yet have kids
Ppl don’t wanna be reminded that you see them as missing something

So true 👏👏👏
February 5, 2023 12:10 am

Beautifully written- we need everyone to be involved with Shidduchim to make change

Overflowing brochos to all
February 5, 2023 12:14 am

The title of the article is literally, “Stop giving me a brocha for a shidduch.” I think you do want the brocha of a shidduch, but just for it to materialize already. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Hashem should bless that it should happen immediately for you and everyone. I don’t think we should ever tell anyone to stop giving brochas. If you really don’t want a brocha, then you can’t write an anonymous article, because then many people will refrain from giving much-needed brochos because they’re afraid it was possibly their friend that wrote the article. But thanks for the… Read more »

Stop complaining
February 5, 2023 12:43 am

Some say it to make themselves look nice but they are not nice people!

Everyone knows who means it as genuine and who doesn’t

Just know who are your friends and who to stay away from!

I don't mind
February 5, 2023 12:48 am

Not sure who this (fictious for the fundraiser?) person is, but as someone who has been dating for multiple years, it really doesn’t bother me at all when people say it.
Either mean it and I appreciate it, or they don’t know what to say and I laugh it off

most aren't sincere unfortunately
Reply to  I don't mind
February 5, 2023 3:38 am

… at least in my experience
you can tell by the tone. most of the time ppl have that fake exaggerated smile and tone. i remember once someone was clearly sincere and i felt it immediately

Respectfully disagree..
February 5, 2023 1:03 am

When I was young and knew everything I got married. One night I went out with my husband and bumped into an older single colleague. I was 21,, she was in her late thirties. She was on a date, and I was embarrassed for her. I said a quick hello and beat a hasty retreat. The next day at work she asked me why I didn’t give her a brocha. I said I was embarrassed for her, and. Didn’t want to rub in her single status. She told me something I will never forget. *all I need is for my… Read more »

Reply to  Respectfully disagree..
February 5, 2023 3:41 am

you’re right some people do appreciate it but many dont. when someone says they dont appreciate it believe them! stop telling single people you know what they want better than they do
please consider the person’s feelings, not your personal opinion about how others are supposed to feel

It's just part of this new world
Reply to  Respectfully disagree..
February 5, 2023 9:13 am

We are sadly in a culture where it’s nerdy and old fashioned to say something strongly jewish with even a Jewish word or term thrown in like to give someone a brocho. I hope this trend can be walked back.

Thank you
February 5, 2023 1:09 am

As a single it felt really nice knowing there was so much awareness from the Shidduch influencers there to help us.,we really do appreciate it thank you and keep up your great work

February 5, 2023 3:40 am

It makes cense that when your older the shadchonim have less to ofer not becouse your stail etc. Only most poeple get maried early so there is less singles left stop taking evrything so persanol…

February 5, 2023 6:05 am

As the community grows so grows the challenges. Be they kids OTD, lack of school space, divorce,childless couples,younger and older singles,financial crisis,housing affordability,crime crisis.etc etc etc Everyone alive has challenges. Everyone. The purpose of life is to succeed in being Ovdei Hashem DESPITE our challenges. Many of the great men and women throughout our history lost a parent at a very young age. They excelled in Torah despite their tragedies. Holocaust survivors who lost everything and rebuilt from scratch. In the issue of singles look for midos character. Look for someone interested in growing in their service if hashem. Too… Read more »

Shatchanim will disagree
Reply to  Ideas
February 5, 2023 9:49 am

” the best shidduchim are the easy going and non demanding individuals..” realistically the mother is in charge so that’s totally the opposite of easy going and non demanding. By the time the single has a say and IS easygoing, shes told she’s too good and “we don’t have no one for her…” reality is a whole other world…

Expert Shadchan
February 5, 2023 10:25 am

I think some older men and women are making for themselves a very independent prosona and Still expect to be taken care of like a child, you can also take things into your own hands and take action for yourself. You can’t expect things to fall into your lap and be upset when it doesn’t and say nobody’s helping me enough. being proactive in your own shidduch is healthy and should not be frowned upon especially by the “shadchan community” P.s it’s the man’s job to find his zivug so guys stop relying so much on shadchanim and start calling… Read more »

Also an older single
February 5, 2023 10:29 am

I love brachos! I see iy”H by you as a bracha! I gladly take all the brachos! Just sharing another perspective:) keep them coming to me, it makes me happy!

I have anxiety, not dating yet
February 5, 2023 10:49 am

Most people my age are dating, but I just don’t feel ready yet. IYH soon makes me have a small panic attack. I like when people say IYH in the right time, just change the wording a drop, still has the Bracha, but more appreciative. And if you don’t know someone well, better to say nothing than to hurt them.

Reply to  I have anxiety, not dating yet
February 6, 2023 1:56 am

Thats why the proper way is beito ubizmano, which relates to what you said, that it will on the precise time for you

February 5, 2023 11:08 am

Nice to hear the perspective of someone who may actually be having a hard time. It’s important to be sensitive.
Wishing you all much Mazal and bracha!

Thank you
February 5, 2023 12:26 pm

Finally, somebody is noticing the amazing stuff that yehudis and Zalman bluming are doing please donate generously

From another older single...
February 5, 2023 12:39 pm

1. To those wondering where the money is going, I have no answer for you. I’m not sure anyone in my circles has seen results from these groups.
2. The phrase “IYH by you” could be sweet or insulting, depending on the context it’s being said in. The phrase that always touches me deeply is when someone says “I’m davening for you”.

Action speaks louder than words
February 5, 2023 12:51 pm

“Action speaks louder than words”

This quote speaks for itself and shares in how the author and many other older singles may feel, myself included. Hatzlacha to all singles out there!

Rephrase IYH by you
February 5, 2023 12:55 pm

I would take any other brocho, but “Iyh by you”. Perhaps it’s time to rephrase that. Please!

Reply to  Rephrase IYH by you
February 6, 2023 1:57 am

Beito ubizmano

You won't like my opinion...
February 5, 2023 1:48 pm

Yet I am so sorry to admit that anyone that has not swiftly gotten married or engaged does have some blockage in themselves, in their family, or somewhere in their life. It’s a fact. Before your heart begins to defend against this…take a moment to think about it. There are some that begin to become aware of that fact and begin to seek help for that specific issue and attempt to fix it/fix their perspectives on that issue. They then grow and understand that something is not exactly right and it’s okay, help is ready whenever they begin looking for… Read more »

Lack of sensitivity
Reply to  You won't like my opinion...
February 5, 2023 9:55 pm

I don’t know who you are but I know what you are. I also know that you are extremely ignorant!!! Everyone has problems (especially you). No one is perfect. People don’t need to be fixed in order to get married. They need love and moral support. They need encouragement. Believe it or not, it is very often the hanhala/N’shei Chabad/parents who make too many demands on the girls which creates fear, insecurity and low self esteem. You and many people like you don’t ever want to take the blame for your lousy attitude so “blame the young people “. I… Read more »

Hey there
Reply to  Lack of sensitivity
February 5, 2023 10:26 pm

While I agree with most of what you wrote I have an issue with your last sentence. A woman is obligated to respect her husband because he’s more educated in Torah????? That’s a very problematic attitude. Both husband and wife need to respect each other in order for a healthy marriage to exist . The rambam says a husband needs to respect his wife more than himself. Where is it written she needs to respect him for the Torah that he (hopefully) knows?? Please explain yourself

Lack of sensitivity
Reply to  Hey there
February 7, 2023 4:57 am

I don’t know where it says it. I was told this a long time ago. You could ask a Rov. Of course a man has to respect his wife. It has to go both ways. I Agree with you 100%. I only mentioned this because I think the bochurim are very insecure and they think the only way they can have a marriage is by being older than their wives. Maybe they think it makes them smarter. I don’t know. I do know that these guys feel no responsibility or obligation to their community as a whole. They are not… Read more »

Couldn’t have said it better myself!!
Reply to  Lack of sensitivity
February 6, 2023 12:24 am

Agree. A huge issue is the boys not wanting to think even a few months older. And and even bigger issue is parents and siblings making decisions for their kids (in any area of shidduchim be it age, frumkeit etc without checking with their child to make sure they are on the same page). Parents need to: 1. Have constant discussions with their children about all areas 2. Take a step beck. 3. REALIZE WHEN TO SAY YES WHEN A NAME COMES UP. IF IT IS GOOD FOR THE CHILD, EVEN IF IT IS NOT 100 % what you’re looking… Read more »

Reply to  You won't like my opinion...
February 5, 2023 11:15 pm

As a much older single, I actually identify with this. The “blockage” is in fact in my end: I am BT, I have a messy relationship with my biological family, and none of that is acceptable for Shidduchim! How am I supposed to fix it? I became frum at the age of 13; spent every Shabbos & Yom Tov away from home with frum families; have spoken to many rabbeim over the years as to how to approach my family situation, and follow the instructions I get each time an issue arises. I’m still damaged goods. I can’t make myself… Read more »

Reply to  Unfixable?
February 7, 2023 2:07 am

I hear your frustrations. I myself was single most of my life even though I was FFB,very wealthy,tall and good looking. It’s interesting to watch how there are different challenges that play out in society. I know frum guys who are multi millionaires who for some reason never married even once. And yet I read how so many older singles girls cry themselves to sleep for lack of dates. Yes it seems in the Lakewood and out of town girls have difficulties finding boys to date. In Chassidic circles in Boro park I see more single boys as compared to… Read more »

But then . . .
February 5, 2023 3:02 pm

As Yidden, I think that’s when we run into trouble: When we put our hope for anything in a human (the shadchanim, parents, friends, ourselves, etc.). As Torah says it in the clearest of terms, “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his hope.” I’ve heard of amazing success from taking on a hachlata. Hashem please have mercy, and give each one their Shidduch that Your Mitzvos may be performed in holiness. Even if you are in the Chassidic capital of the world, overflowing with singles your age, it can somehow be delayed. And even if… Read more »

Shiduch app
February 6, 2023 11:08 am

I’m sure many have come across the shiduch.app meme page on Instagram, but did you know it was originally meant to be an actual app for from dating.

It would match people based on their values, without giving up the privacy of their names, or their looks, unless both parties felt comfortable doing it.

I heard the app is still in development.

Maybe the developers can speed it up and make it available as soon as possible for the general Chabad community

Hard to determine
February 7, 2023 11:29 pm

A bracha for a shiduuch given to an older person is generally given in sincerity, but the giver may sound “offputting” because they feel awkward giving the brocha and are unsure of the receiver’s reaction, NOT because they don’t really mean it. I too experience similar vague or uneasy feelings when wishing some people “brocha v’hatzlochoh” on something that isn’t going ideally well, or refuah shllaimah to someone experiencing health issues.There’s no predictable response to such wishes and it is unfair for the receiver to assume the giver is being disingenuous. Having said that, though, I can see where a… Read more »

You are brave B"H
February 15, 2023 8:02 pm

B”H It Should be obvious that your Shidduch isn’t ready to meet you yet..though that can change at any time. You seem brave and have a good way of expressing your feelings which is very rare for young people in this Modern Age. May H” Show you good tidings and from myself a big bracho