Singles Have Feelings Too

The writer is a 28-year-old male who has been ‘out’ on shiduchim a number of times. He does not suggest that the things expressed in the article apply to anybody else; rather he desires to share his own thoughts on the matter. You are more than welcome to criticize, condemn, denounce, delete, or un-friend any or all points raised. Just please don’t attack; do it in a calm, civil tone stemming from Ahavas Yisroel, as he is extremely sensitive. – The author.

Picture yourself in the following situation.

You are attending a family (or friend’s) simcha and an old acquaintance strolls over to you and inquires how you’re doing. You reply you’re doing quite well – Baruch Hashem. You continue your “nonversation” (a conversation on nothing significant) for a couple more moments, both of you eventually tiring of the content, or lack of it.

He/she then inquire as to your status: single or married. I’m still single, you politely answer, a wry smile turning up the corners of your mouth. They then ask/demand “Why is it you’re still single? You seem like such a nice guy, there must be many out there eager to see someone like you.” (Now how are you supposed to respond to that?) Pausing to think, you realize they’re not expecting an answer. You try to politely dodge the rest of their pointed questions. As you drift away eventually you think, hmm, I wonder how I would react if the situation would be switched. Would I be just as direct? Bring up suggestions; ask the single what it is they are looking for, or just stay clear of the subject?

As someone who has encountered such responses many times, I am constantly surprised by the lack of sensitivity and understanding displayed by many, otherwise, extremely sweet people. In their defense I’d say it’s easy to forget the feelings one may have while single. We, at times, tend to forget – rather rapidly – the feelings that accompany those less-than-pleasant times.

At times it seems that in order to feel validated in our community one has to be married, and until one reaches that desirable goal one is fair game for anyone’s target practice. “You know sometimes you just have to be a bit less picky,” says one. “You need to give up on the non-essentials,” another shoots at you.

Well, maybe you were picky until you wizened up – you feel like shouting. Hey! Not everyone is a mirror image of you. To the other you may want to respond: You gave up! Doesn’t mean I should settle for what I consider to be less. Is that an evil? Does that automatically make me unrealistic, someone grasping at straws? Keeping the important stuff doesn’t mean I have an endless shopping list; just the things I consider important hasn’t seemed to match the people I am matched up with.

Some may look at you with pity. “Nebach, the boy has an unmarried older brother, think he’s already . . . 26” you hear them whisper within close range, as if you are hard of hearing.

But the ultimate is when you’re looked on with a kind of condescension. As if the fault is totally your own doing and you – and only you – are the one solely responsible. Then you may hear the any of the following (either stated or implied): “Just go out with more people. Get out of your box; open up a bit.” Some will advocate, “You got to be more aggressive.” “Get off your high horse; tone down a bit, girls don’t want a guy all over the place” others may say – seems like the advice never ends. . .

At this stage I just nod and agree with all the well-meaning ‘suggestioners’ and recycle all their sage advice as soon as I make my escape. (You know – in today’s eco friendly world, throwing them in the trash is not a viable option).

I recently read two interesting articles on the topic of beshert I would like to share with you. One writer is a Chabad Rabbi from Australia, Rabbi of the Nefesh Shul, Sydney Australia whose popular Q & A essays have been featured regularly on Chabad.org. (Interesting thing: One of the days while in midst of writing this article, I opened my inbox to find the daily Chabad.org question being the exact essay I was quoting.) The other is a Rav of a large Orthodox Congregation, Bnai Yeshurun in Teaneck, NJ (consisting of nearly 600 families) and a Dayan. The writers bring up some very relevant points though some may seem contradictory.

One of them makes the following observation:

One who is single is not considered to be a half (nebach,) defined as being in an eternal ‘incomplete’ state till he marries. Rather he/she is complete, a whole being. There are many facets to a person that collectively complete his personality. They may include other interests and pursuits that are laudable and worthy. If one is involved in positive pursuits, then that person should be commended.

Both of them take caution with the concept of beshert, but in slightly different directions. R. Pruzansky makes the following pertinent point in his article titled, Surprise! There’s No Such Thing as a Bashert…and 6 Other Dating Myths Debunked.

The concept of a ‘beshert’ is one that is commonly misconstrued. It does not mean that there is only one person in the world specifically designated for you, and you need to ferret out this individual. Rather there may be a wide number of potential ‘basherts’ compatible with you and you have to make a decision once you find a person who you can get along with.

“Many years ago, I heard Rav Ahron Soloveichik zt”l explain that bashert (in the Talmud’s language, bat ploni l’ploni) guarantees only one thing: Hashem arranges that you encounter that person. Bashert does not guarantee that you will marry that person, or that the marriage will be a happy and fulfilling one; those depend on our free choice and good middot (character traits). And even what we do after that initial encounter – pursue that person or ignore him/her; look for the good or obsess over flaws – also depends on our bechirah (free choice). As such, it is probably best to remove the bashert issue from our calculations, as it obfuscates instead of clarifies. It should remain in the realm of divine secrets to which we have no access, and which plays no role in our deliberations.”

On the other hand, Rabbi Moss in his Question of the week writes that there certainly exists that one person: “Someone out there was made for you and you for them. They are waiting to meet you.” He cautions however not to take this belief to the extreme by using it strictly as an instinctive barometer in which to judge potential matches. Rather, the idea of bashert should be emphasized only in these stages:

. . . When we are alone and losing hope, [while single] or when we are married and losing faith, we need to remember that we have a soul mate. But there is a time when the belief in a soul mate can be distracting and unproductive. And that is when we are dating.

Although these two writers may be interpreted as going in two slightly contradictory paths, I believe you could combine them. The concept of bashert doesn’t imply that you will know who the right one is intuitively once you meet him/her. Rather as R. Pruzansky states “. . . to choose a person with whom you feel you can build a home together that is filled with love. This transforms the quest of choosing a spouse into something that is much more logical and attainable.” However, this does not mean that the person whom you choose to build a home with based on respect and devotion has not been pre-destined for you from the beginning of your soul’s journey.

The Rebbe in a number of letters exhorts the writer to pursue shiduchim in a manner similar to someone looking for a lost object (See Eternal Joy, chapter 1, section: The Manner of the Quest). However, in regards to actually knowing whether this is the one, the Rebbe replies:

The Torah’s answer to this … is known: The person is to occupy himself in finding a shidduch in a natural manner, (understandably in a manner of tznius and in accordance with the Shulchan Aruch ) and the Creator, who oversees each and every person with individual Divine Providence, will direct you to find the match that is best for you.
(Igros Kodesh, chelek tes zayin, p.327; translation from Eternal Joy, volume one, p.9)

Now, after a number of years in the “parsha” (I’m still confused which one I’m holding at) I’ve finally come to the realization that I am a whole person, not some deficient being – though, imperfect I am – lacking a vital piece of myself. (Many of you may think duh, that’s obvious, what was he thinking before? But it’s always easier to see in others what you yourself don’t see or realize.)

As I may have more time for myself at this stage, let me be as productive as I can, while allowing myself the freedom to pursue the things that I have interests in, follow those things I feel are important and chase that which I have talents for. There is no reason to feel guilty for not being the person others have decided I should or could be. Nor to feel ashamed (or worse guilty) that I am still single.

Yes, I have to do my effort in pursuing viable options. Yes, I should not allow myself to be overcome by sloth and inertia, nor allow others to dictate (not suggest) to me what path I should be following, what is a good suggestion, or what (they think) I am good or bad at. (Unless you are of the opinion that you aren’t much good at anything, in which case the opinions of others are very helpful).

There is no single quick-fix solution to meeting the right person, rather, one has to battle him/herself each day, striving to become a little kinder, hopefully wiser, and learning from all of one’s experiences and falls.

So for now I’ll thank Hashem for every day I remain single. There is so much to do and room to grow. The better I become, the more attractive I will be and the more I’ll be bringing into a healthy marriage.

I tell myself: Get out there, continue to improve at your work, help family members more, do some weekly volunteering, (the world’s in dire need of help). Learn something every day to keep you on the optimistic path and to inspire you to stay grounded – and connected – to your unique heritage as Yidden and as Chassidim.

Embrace that which makes you different, open yourself up to the good that comes from within and be open to new experiences. As the Hayom-Yom says, that which causes you to be active – comes from the good part of you; that which leads to being reactive, passive, or causes a delay in action– stems from the craftiness of the “other side.” (chof gimmel Sivan)

With faith and G-d’s help, you’ll be engaged within the year.

To read the quoted two articles in full:

Rabbi Moss 1, Rabbi Moss 2

Rabbi Steven Pruzansky