Should You Use A Dating Mentor?

By Rabbi Moishe Raitman – ShadchanCoach

Initially, just the mention of a dating mentor elicits reactions of total surprise and second-guessing. “You’re kidding?!” “You can’t be serious!” “We never had dating mentors back in my day. I’ve married off other children and there is no reason I need to start now with dating mentors for my other children.”

And my response is always the same. “No matter what line of occupation one seeks, a mentor will help make one’s aspirations become a reality and succeed. Seeking success in real estate, offering financial and insurance services, becoming a rebbi/teacher or even a shaliach, pursuing an online business, fundraising etc etc, an experienced mentor will help overcome any challenges and ease the realization of one’s pursuits. So why not have a mentor when making the biggest commitment and decision of one’s life?”

We all know that the Lubavitcher Rebbe campaigned vigorously that everyone must fulfill the Torah obligation as illustrated in Pirkei Avos “עשה לך רב”- “make for yourself a mentor”. Having a mashpia was encouraged and became common. However, the concept of specializing in coaching singles for dating and marriage was rather foreign. As it is, just making suggestions, coordinating times for dates and following up is extremely time-consuming.

Parent’s expectations were to call shadchanim for suggestions and it was a hit or miss. If successful, mission accomplished. If not, just provide another suggestion until we find, with Hashem’s help, “the needle in the haystack” ie one’s bashert. But times have changed, and now in addition to facilitating shidduchim, there needs to be a focus on coaching and mentoring.

Lately I’ve been approached by a number of daters that are feeling STAGNATION. They date. It’s pleasant. But they are both stuck. How do they take it to the next level?

There are increasingly more young men and women who have now been in the dating scene for 5 – 10+ years. Many times it’s simply because the time has not come yet, and all that can be done is to daven and make a keili beruchniyus to find one’s bashert.

At the same time, we must do all we can to make a keili begashmius. This includes speaking to a dating mentor and/or therapist. It is always a good idea to have someone subjective (not yourself, family and friends) involved in your dating. You have absolutely nothing to lose by exploring if there is anything that may be holding you back …. Are you afraid of being vulnerable during dating? Are there traumas that need to be processed first, which you may possibly not even be aware of? In this case, the mentor will refer you to a therapist.

Shidduchim and dating today has become a much more complex process. The investment is small compared to the benefits gained. The quicker one starts off early in the process, the better the dating experience will be.

Furthermore, you will be coming to marriage being one step ahead of the game. Making sure that you are the best version of yourself -physically, spiritually and emotionally BEFORE marriage is the biggest gift you can give yourself, your future spouse and children! It is so much easier to deal with things before it’s complicated by a relationship and by more responsibilities.

Get the mentoring. Invest in yourself. Invest in your dating skills. Invest in your relationship and marriage. It may be the long and short way but it does work. Proof is in the results I am witnessing.

Rabbi Moishe Raitman
www.ShadchanCOACH.com
Contact: 847.840.8633