By Devora Krasnianski – Founder and Director of Adai Ad Institute
A woman in Crown Heights contacted me with the following concern: She is annoyed that her husband tells her he is going out for a drive to relax and ends up at his friend’s house playing video games. He does this often. She claims, “We should be telling each other everything. Why won’t he just tell me that he is going to his friends; why does he lie to me?”
I turned to Dr. Elka Pinson and here is what I wrote down based on her answer:
There is so much said, and perhaps even more unsaid in these few short words. Therefore, I’ll talk about the topic of privacy and secrecy in marriage in general, and then add a few words to address what I read here in these words.
Should spouses tell each other everything? In one word, no. While one spouse may be more comfortable disclosing than the other, she or he should not expect to hear every thought, action, urge or memory of their partner. We need different degrees of solitude to re-charge, regulate stress and nurture a sense of self – be it a solitary hobby or reading the paper alone.
In other words, some privacy.
In a trusting relationship, we have neither the need to check each other’s phone, emails, mail or daily moves, nor the obligation to disclose all. That is privacy.
And then there is secrecy. The distinction between privacy and secrecy is very important. Privacy becomes secrecy when there is conscious motivation to keep something unknown, hidden or unseen from one’s partner—something that directly impacts that person and the bond shared, often something that can harm the relationship.
Secrets can be motivated by betrayal, shame, fear, or anger. Secrets disqualify intimacy because they prevent authenticity. When someone is holding a secret, a part of them is not available for connection.
Is it privacy or secrecy?
Having private conversations with others without your spouse knowing all the details. Privacy. Healthy.
Having a secret conversation with someone of the opposite gender. Secrecy. Not healthy.
Not sharing how you spent every last penny. Privacy. Healthy.
Not sharing that you gambled away over ten thousand dollars. Secrecy. Not healthy.
One way to discern if it privacy or secrecy is to determine if the information is harmful to the marriage relationship – gambling, clandestine friendships are detrimental to a marriage. That is secrecy and not fair to your spouse or to your marriage.
So why does the husband in the above question lie to his wife? It is hard to tell with so few details. Here are some possibilities.
Perhaps, his wife’s asking him where he is going triggers memories of his overbearing mom always needing to know where he is. And he feels that as an adult he should not have to get permission or report his comings and goings. It’s really not about his wife at all; it’s more about his sense of independence.
Or, it might be that his wife would not agree to his hanging out with the boys, so he prefers to say a little ‘white lie’. She is OK with him being out of the house to unwind, just not being with the friends. So he thinks, “What’s the difference where I am if I am not home, I’ll just tell her that I’m going out alone and I’ll ‘end up’ at my friends.” What is happening here is that he is lying to avoid a conflict. Again, it is not secrecy or privacy; it’s conflict avoidance.
Another possibility, is that she is annoyed at herself for not being more assertive about spending time with friends and unwinding outside of the house. Instead of recognizing that, she gets bothered by his going out to friends and her complaint is really about that.
Maybe it is the way he grew up. He never had to tell anyone where he is going; he loved the spontaneity of just ending up somewhere. He isn’t withholding from her; he simply doesn’t know where he will end up going and then doesn’t call to let her know. It’s not secrecy or lying; it’s more about what he is used to doing. But, if it affects the family schedule, or he is not around for the family – then it does impact the marriage, and he should be sharing his comings and goings. If he doesn’t, there are communication problems.
Is it OK for her to ask him to tell her where he is going and what he did and who was there and and and …?
She has every right to be curious. She must also recognize that no one has the right to another’s thoughts and personal information. Even if they are married. Everyone has the right to privacy. As long as it does not impact the marriage. Of course, he could share if he thinks it will enhance their relationship, but he is entitled to privacy.
It might be worthwhile to view it like this: Start with the premise that you will know nothing unless your spouse chooses to share; be OK with that. When both ‘own the information’ ie: the marriage, finances, children, the details should be shared and discussed. Of course, this feels natural when both spouses have a healthy sense of self and deep trust in each other. They are secure in who they are as individuals and in their marriage.
So what is reasonable to expect to know about each other and to ask? It should be on a ‘need to know basis’. Think: What about that information is important for you to know? What is the point of knowing? What about that information is important for your spouse to know? What is the point of telling?
Lastly, if you are withholding information, think about why you are not telling. Is it a power struggle? Do you not feel safe to share; do you feel that you will be judged, ridiculed? Are you trying to avoid a conflict? Are you afraid your spouse won’t allow it? While it may not be in the category of secret, it still isn’t healthy. Examine the underlying dynamic and work through it.
Trust is key in marriage; and trust is not needing to know everything about each other, and being OK with that.
The Adai Ad Institute’s programs provide the necessary tools and insights for a strong and successful marriage – starting with pre-shiduchim, continuing through the shiduch process and into the marriage itself. adaiad.org
However, why in the world is the husband afraid to tell the wife the truth? She has to examine herself to see if she to clingy, needy, controlling or abusive. Yes, women can be abusive. Not usually physically abusive, but emotionally so. So, I would suggest that this woman look herself good in the mirror and ask herself why her husband is lying to her. She should be honest with HERSELF. Then, she can have that conversation. Although sharing every single encounter, purchase, expense, experience is not necessary, the more you have in common, the closer you feel. Women often… Read more »
If a spouse lies it isn’t healthy in the marriage. Its different to say I’m going out with some friends I need some alone time…. Then to lie. I think this articles advice is dangerous for a marriage
Clearly not. The reference about the Rebbe and his mother, re: her son/his brother was totally out of line! First of all the original title/question was ‘Should you tell your “spouse” everything’. In response to your comment, I made mention to the fact that even though we are aware of the kibud Aim the Rebbe had, are we aware that he too kept it from the Rebbetzin ie, “his spouse”. Even if we had these answers would that make it ok for you to bring it as an example? In my humble opinion even then, it’s down right disrespectful to… Read more »
#37 I understood the point just fine thank you. The general point I made was that even though it’s not generally acceptable to mislead your parents, the Rebbe hid R’ Ayre’s passing not in spite (c’v) but because of the Rebbe’s undoubted greatness and kibud av voaim. My intent had nothing to do with whether the Rebbezin knew or did not know, the similarity to our issue here is in the abstract. The point is that you cannot determine the correct course of action from afar without the particulars when it comes to very personal interactions between people. Hope that… Read more »
No secrets, wife cooked a dinner not to your liking, be honest tell her it tasted like…….
Husband built the sukka looks like something our child coulda done a better job. Be upfront and honest tell him like it is.
Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, we should be completely open and honest about where we are going and it is totally unacceptable to lie like the guy in this story. It’s not about the fact that he did something she didn’t want, it’s that he lied about it. He needs to accept that what he did is wrong, otherwise, I’m not sure about the future of the relationship…
First of all the first step to healing is knowing and recognizing taht you’re in an abusive marriage. So the fact taht you recongnize it is already amazing. #2 I have a sister who divorced because she was in an abusive marriage and I can’t describe how happier she is now( as a divorced women) I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, there will struggles doubts…. but in the end it will be worth it. What you described before that “every time you want to call ….means it’s getting better” is just another show of his abuse. Abuse… Read more »
I hope you get the help you need and deserve.
I tend to think there are many more like you out there.
You totally missed the point here.
Do we know whether Rebetzin Chaya Mushka was aware of what the Rebbe was going doing?
That would have been appropriate to this discussion.
And might I say, that with the Rebbe’s undoubted greatness we should not question such his action especially when it was more about Kibud (Av v’)Aim.
Phone: (212) 742-1110
To number 31 AND all those who REALLY NEED the help with themselves OR with their spouse (because remember, we CANNOT change our spouses, ONLY ourselves!), and Therapy is VERY expensive (-for those who it’s too costly), a GREAT choice would be, is to Google a book called: AWARENESS by Miriam Adahan. It’s less than $30 AND waaaay cheaper than therapy. Let your spouse see you’re reading it, DO NOT FEAR!!! FEAR NOTHING BUT HASHEM!!! (-The words the Baal Shem Tov’s father told the Baal Shem Tov, right before his Neshama left this world). And if your spouse gives you… Read more »
a caring Lubavitcher English speaking Rov that’s great in the area of Shalom Bayis?
If you make your spouse feel comfortable to be who they are, they will have no reason to lie. If you are critical and act like a parent/police/principal, you will make your spouse feel they need too lie/hide. Try accepting and loving your spouse for who they are. You might like what you get in return…
If this same article was written the other way around, about a woman keeping secrets vs the man, would any of you have a different opinion.
I think yes, because of the comments i read, i didnt see anyone comments pointing to this he/she, man/woman, husband/wife
TO NUMBER 26 & 30,
Everytime I think to call a Therapist for Spousal Abusive that I am suffering, he becomes better with me. Tell me who to call?
You must get advice from a professional on your own without his knowledge and tell them the truth. That is not a healthy marriage and he should see someone. Get advice on how to do it. Marriage is not a jail, is a blessing from G-d.
you write “hen two people marry thy become ONE – two halves – and therefore keeping secrets is not an option!” two people remain two separate people as one. they still can have separate interests and their own space. and their own privacy. so many people make the mistake of thinking they have to share everything. There is an inyan of not saying lashon hara about yourself to your spouse. you dont have to share about evry mistake you made, every fight you had, you don’t need to make yourself look bad in front of your husband. (Of course, if… Read more »
Yes, when we marry, there should not be secrets between spouses, especially in issues that concern both. However, if you friend or relative tells you something in confidence,something that she /he is dealing with, that has no relevance to your spouse, you should not share this info with your spouse, but rather maintain respect and privacy for the conversation and knowledge.
Was this made clear to Rabbonim or therapists that you consulted?
Dishonesty in any size shape or form is unhealthy esp in a marriage.
Needing space is another story …if one has nothing to hide than no cover ups are necessary but doesn’t mean every single thought must be shared.
I hope you are in therapy … abusive behaviour
This is so not ok and off base. Saying that he’s going for a relaxing ride and gong I do something else- if he’s lying for that, how can I know he’s not lying or being dishonest with his relationships? It starts with the small stuff, from personal experience. A relllattionship sz buiilt on trust
My husband will not let me see his computer Password, so I have to turn around or leave the room. I am told to make phone calls for him, which he could do himself. Leaves dishes around for me to pick up. Very controlling, like, because he does not speak to a certain family member, he does not allow me to speak to then either. Say’s that all money that a wife has, belongs to the husband, and has cleaned out the bank count, with my savings in it. When I go out, he needs to know how and when… Read more »
The Rebbe for years hid R’ Ayre’s passing from Rebbetzin Chana.
Point being that these types of things need to be addressed in the context of the actual situation.The therapist in the case of this article was wise (rare!) in that she left it open, with a bunch of hypotheticals.
We like to boil things down to set of easily digestible maxims–unless of course, it’s our own issues, in which case, NUANCE!–but real life doesn’t work that way.
Comment away
Drawing lines, borders, demarcations and walls is the beginning of living separate lives. Seeking to share, needing to share, loving to share, creates stronger bonds.
I disagree with your underlying premise of freedom to.
Although I do believe when spouses respect one another it’s okay to not share certain things in certain cases, which may hurt the other or which would benefit the other, out of love and respect.
I think it is rediculous to demand total complete honesty.If people need to spill their guts and be totally honest with a spouse then the standards of a “healthy”marriage are unrealistic.Children lie too and for various reasons because they are human.Humans lie and make mistakes and are not perfect.And yes we also crave privacy and space and no it doesn’t do harm.Stop saying people have personality disorders just because there was a white lie told.Cheating ,destructive behaviors are real issues.If you are so insecure and suspicious of every white lie,examine yourself.But to decide all lies are bad and it’s not… Read more »
When one finds themselves on the Madraiga that Rifka was on we can have a discussion.
Until then, I’d second # 14.
No lie, however big or whatever colour should pass between a husband and wife in a healthy relationship
Definitely an issue if either partner feels thay can’t be open and honest with the other.
yes this is important ecpecially when you have a spouse criticizing the other for every little thing.
I once had this conversation with some friends re sharing everything with your husband , withholding info etc – we actually called a number of therapists and Rabbomin to hear what the Torah viewpoint on this was.
From what I remember, the answer was that when two people marry thy become ONE – two halves – and therefore keeping secrets is not an option!
Maybe this article should have started with – in my opinion or what I believe is….
To number 12 , what about when rivkah helped her son deceive her husband? I think some of us have parts of our lives that need higher thinking
I think you have to first figure out who you got married to and then you could make those decisions . There’s no way in heck I tell my wife everything .
Maybe he really wanted to go out for a relaxing drive and his friend called him asking him to come over and he forgot to tell his wife.
Yes that might have been a white lie. But once his wife catches him lying how does she know when he’s telling the truth and what other lies he’s been telling her. Yes each partner can have their privacy. But privacy does not excuse or lead to lying. Keeping something private can be done by being honest. If a spouse asks something that the other spouse wants to keep private they can say “i dont feel comfortable sharing that I’d rather keep it private for now.” – very different to saying one thing and doing another. If he’s lying about… Read more »
Not necessarily.
A man can speak privately to a therapist without his wife’s knowledge and vice-versa, even if he tells the therapist private things about her or her behavior which she would not consent to. A man can try to resolve issues he has at work without telling his wife about it.
It is never ok to decieve your spouse.
Dress it up how you lke; lies, white lies, secrecy….it’s unhealthy and in the long term leads to resentment and much more.
Commit to eachother to have open and honest conversations. This creates trust, the foundation of any healthy relationshop.
If your spouse was in the room when you are saying or doing the thing that you are withholding would she/he be OK with it?
No matter what his reason is for lying it makes you wonder if this habit will become second nature to the point that the wife never knows if he’s being honest. If your willing to lie about something small, who knows when something big may occur.
If he’s scared that his wife may not want him to go, maybe there’s a valid reason she feels this way.
Just as there is a strong difference between privacy and secrecy, there is a difference between being ABLE to share everything with your spouse, and actually doing so.
Very informative. Thanks again Devori!
From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, it’s not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It’s the decency of merciful lies.
Finally some common sense, hopefully we will see positive results.
In some cases one or both may have a personality disorder, meaning they will have difficulty with a significant other. A person with a personality disorder sees another persons actions however can not see the person behind the actions, instead the attribute foreign intentions onto the significant other. This may lead the significant other to hide what ever possible to remain sane. It is not healthy however the other option is to be very stern. Personally disorders can be healed with tft or dbt however the person with the personality disorder may not be aware of it.
Maybe he knew you would post this on COL even if he told you the truth
Hmmmmm… so many excuses for a coward. Giving him excuses for his lies is enabling dysfunctional behavior. Yes life is tough sometimes but nobody gets to lie to their wife for anything.
Lying really isn’t ok in any healthy relationship. No excuses. If he can’t be trusted for little stuff he may not be trustworthy with his intimate relationships either.
Thank you for sharing this. Elka really did share many possible scenarios. We really do need to look at different options within ourselves and externally before making a call. Really gets you thinking….which is first step to awareness and growth in our marriages.