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Tuesday, 15 Sivan, 5779
  |  June 18, 2019

    Should Spouses Share Everything

    From the COLlive inbox: Why is her husband lying and keeping information from her? Is he keeping secrets? Full Story

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    Insightful response
    Guest
    Insightful response

    Thank you for sharing this. Elka really did share many possible scenarios. We really do need to look at different options within ourselves and externally before making a call. Really gets you thinking….which is first step to awareness and growth in our marriages.

    Watch out
    Guest
    Watch out

    Lying really isn’t ok in any healthy relationship. No excuses. If he can’t be trusted for little stuff he may not be trustworthy with his intimate relationships either.

    Eli and his little white lie
    Guest
    Eli and his little white lie

    Hmmmmm… so many excuses for a coward. Giving him excuses for his lies is enabling dysfunctional behavior. Yes life is tough sometimes but nobody gets to lie to their wife for anything.

    Misogynist
    Guest
    Misogynist

    Maybe he knew you would post this on COL even if he told you the truth

    Personally Disorders
    Guest
    Personally Disorders

    In some cases one or both may have a personality disorder, meaning they will have difficulty with a significant other. A person with a personality disorder sees another persons actions however can not see the person behind the actions, instead the attribute foreign intentions onto the significant other. This may lead the significant other to hide what ever possible to remain sane. It is not healthy however the other option is to be very stern. Personally disorders can be healed with tft or dbt however the person with the personality disorder may not be aware of it.

    Great artical!!
    Guest
    Great artical!!

    Finally some common sense, hopefully we will see positive results.

    Klaus M
    Guest
    Klaus M

    From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, it’s not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It’s the decency of merciful lies.

    Chani
    Guest
    Chani

    Very informative. Thanks again Devori!

    Daas
    Guest
    Daas

    Just as there is a strong difference between privacy and secrecy, there is a difference between being ABLE to share everything with your spouse, and actually doing so.

    Agree with # 2
    Guest
    Agree with # 2

    No matter what his reason is for lying it makes you wonder if this habit will become second nature to the point that the wife never knows if he’s being honest. If your willing to lie about something small, who knows when something big may occur.
    If he’s scared that his wife may not want him to go, maybe there’s a valid reason she feels this way.

    Answer is Simple
    Guest
    Answer is Simple

    If your spouse was in the room when you are saying or doing the thing that you are withholding would she/he be OK with it?

    Unacceptable.
    Guest
    Unacceptable.

    It is never ok to decieve your spouse.
    Dress it up how you lke; lies, white lies, secrecy….it’s unhealthy and in the long term leads to resentment and much more.
    Commit to eachother to have open and honest conversations. This creates trust, the foundation of any healthy relationshop.

    To #11
    Guest
    To #11

    Not necessarily.

    A man can speak privately to a therapist without his wife’s knowledge and vice-versa, even if he tells the therapist private things about her or her behavior which she would not consent to. A man can try to resolve issues he has at work without telling his wife about it.

    I think lying is a serious problem in a marriage
    Guest
    I think lying is a serious problem in a marriage

    Yes that might have been a white lie. But once his wife catches him lying how does she know when he’s telling the truth and what other lies he’s been telling her. Yes each partner can have their privacy. But privacy does not excuse or lead to lying. Keeping something private can be done by being honest. If a spouse asks something that the other spouse wants to keep private they can say “i dont feel comfortable sharing that I’d rather keep it private for now.” – very different to saying one thing and doing another. If he’s lying about… Read more »

    Maybe he wasn't lying...
    Guest
    Maybe he wasn't lying...

    Maybe he really wanted to go out for a relaxing drive and his friend called him asking him to come over and he forgot to tell his wife.

    Mike
    Guest
    Mike

    I think you have to first figure out who you got married to and then you could make those decisions . There’s no way in heck I tell my wife everything .

    Rivkah
    Guest
    Rivkah

    To number 12 , what about when rivkah helped her son deceive her husband? I think some of us have parts of our lives that need higher thinking

    My humble opinion...
    Guest
    My humble opinion...

    I once had this conversation with some friends re sharing everything with your husband , withholding info etc – we actually called a number of therapists and Rabbomin to hear what the Torah viewpoint on this was.
    From what I remember, the answer was that when two people marry thy become ONE – two halves – and therefore keeping secrets is not an option!
    Maybe this article should have started with – in my opinion or what I believe is….

    privacy to keep the peace
    Guest
    privacy to keep the peace

    yes this is important ecpecially when you have a spouse criticizing the other for every little thing.

    To # 17
    Guest
    To # 17

    When one finds themselves on the Madraiga that Rifka was on we can have a discussion.
    Until then, I’d second # 14.
    No lie, however big or whatever colour should pass between a husband and wife in a healthy relationship
    Definitely an issue if either partner feels thay can’t be open and honest with the other.

    Oh come on
    Guest
    Oh come on

    I think it is rediculous to demand total complete honesty.If people need to spill their guts and be totally honest with a spouse then the standards of a “healthy”marriage are unrealistic.Children lie too and for various reasons because they are human.Humans lie and make mistakes and are not perfect.And yes we also crave privacy and space and no it doesn’t do harm.Stop saying people have personality disorders just because there was a white lie told.Cheating ,destructive behaviors are real issues.If you are so insecure and suspicious of every white lie,examine yourself.But to decide all lies are bad and it’s not… Read more »

    The great divide
    Guest
    The great divide

    Drawing lines, borders, demarcations and walls is the beginning of living separate lives. Seeking to share, needing to share, loving to share, creates stronger bonds.

    I disagree with your underlying premise of freedom to.
    Although I do believe when spouses respect one another it’s okay to not share certain things in certain cases, which may hurt the other or which would benefit the other, out of love and respect.

    Berel
    Guest
    Berel

    The Rebbe for years hid R’ Ayre’s passing from Rebbetzin Chana.

    Point being that these types of things need to be addressed in the context of the actual situation.The therapist in the case of this article was wise (rare!) in that she left it open, with a bunch of hypotheticals.

    We like to boil things down to set of easily digestible maxims–unless of course, it’s our own issues, in which case, NUANCE!–but real life doesn’t work that way.

    Comment away

    SECRECY AND CONTROL.
    Guest
    SECRECY AND CONTROL.

    My husband will not let me see his computer Password, so I have to turn around or leave the room. I am told to make phone calls for him, which he could do himself. Leaves dishes around for me to pick up. Very controlling, like, because he does not speak to a certain family member, he does not allow me to speak to then either. Say’s that all money that a wife has, belongs to the husband, and has cleaned out the bank count, with my savings in it. When I go out, he needs to know how and when… Read more »

      Not okay
    Guest
    Not okay

    This is so not ok and off base. Saying that he’s going for a relaxing ride and gong I do something else- if he’s lying for that, how can I know he’s not lying or being dishonest with his relationships? It starts with the small stuff, from personal experience. A relllattionship sz buiilt on trust

    #24
    Guest
    #24

    I hope you are in therapy … abusive behaviour

    Ummmmmm
    Guest
    Ummmmmm

    Dishonesty in any size shape or form is unhealthy esp in a marriage.
    Needing space is another story …if one has nothing to hide than no cover ups are necessary but doesn’t mean every single thought must be shared.

    To # 18
    Guest
    To # 18

    Yes, when we marry, there should not be secrets between spouses, especially in issues that concern both. However, if you friend or relative tells you something in confidence,something that she /he is dealing with, that has no relevance to your spouse, you should not share this info with your spouse, but rather maintain respect and privacy for the conversation and knowledge.
    Was this made clear to Rabbonim or therapists that you consulted?

    re: #18
    Guest
    re: #18

    you write “hen two people marry thy become ONE – two halves – and therefore keeping secrets is not an option!” two people remain two separate people as one. they still can have separate interests and their own space. and their own privacy. so many people make the mistake of thinking they have to share everything. There is an inyan of not saying lashon hara about yourself to your spouse. you dont have to share about evry mistake you made, every fight you had, you don’t need to make yourself look bad in front of your husband. (Of course, if… Read more »

    To 24
    Guest
    To 24

    You must get advice from a professional on your own without his knowledge and tell them the truth. That is not a healthy marriage and he should see someone. Get advice on how to do it. Marriage is not a jail, is a blessing from G-d.

    SECRECY AND CONTROL.
    Guest
    SECRECY AND CONTROL.

    TO NUMBER 26 & 30,
    Everytime I think to call a Therapist for Spousal Abusive that I am suffering, he becomes better with me. Tell me who to call?

    1 question
    Guest
    1 question

    If this same article was written the other way around, about a woman keeping secrets vs the man, would any of you have a different opinion.

    I think yes, because of the comments i read, i didnt see anyone comments pointing to this he/she, man/woman, husband/wife

    from a shalom bayis expert
    Guest
    from a shalom bayis expert

    If you make your spouse feel comfortable to be who they are, they will have no reason to lie. If you are critical and act like a parent/police/principal, you will make your spouse feel they need too lie/hide. Try accepting and loving your spouse for who they are. You might like what you get in return…

    Can anyone recommend
    Guest
    Can anyone recommend

    a caring Lubavitcher English speaking Rov that’s great in the area of Shalom Bayis?

    To number 31 AND...
    Guest
    To number 31 AND...

    To number 31 AND all those who REALLY NEED the help with themselves OR with their spouse (because remember, we CANNOT change our spouses, ONLY ourselves!), and Therapy is VERY expensive (-for those who it’s too costly), a GREAT choice would be, is to Google a book called: AWARENESS by Miriam Adahan. It’s less than $30 AND waaaay cheaper than therapy. Let your spouse see you’re reading it, DO NOT FEAR!!! FEAR NOTHING BUT HASHEM!!! (-The words the Baal Shem Tov’s father told the Baal Shem Tov, right before his Neshama left this world). And if your spouse gives you… Read more »

    Start with Shalom Task Force
    Guest
    Start with Shalom Task Force

    Phone: (212) 742-1110

    To # 23
    Guest
    To # 23

    You totally missed the point here.
    Do we know whether Rebetzin Chaya Mushka was aware of what the Rebbe was going doing?
    That would have been appropriate to this discussion.
    And might I say, that with the Rebbe’s undoubted greatness we should not question such his action especially when it was more about Kibud (Av v’)Aim.

    #24
    Guest
    #24

    I hope you get the help you need and deserve.

    I tend to think there are many more like you out there.

    To #24
    Guest
    To #24

    First of all the first step to healing is knowing and recognizing taht you’re in an abusive marriage. So the fact taht you recongnize it is already amazing. #2 I have a sister who divorced because she was in an abusive marriage and I can’t describe how happier she is now( as a divorced women) I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, there will struggles doubts…. but in the end it will be worth it. What you described before that “every time you want to call ….means it’s getting better” is just another show of his abuse. Abuse… Read more »

    Disagree
    Guest
    Disagree

    Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, we should be completely open and honest about where we are going and it is totally unacceptable to lie like the guy in this story. It’s not about the fact that he did something she didn’t want, it’s that he lied about it. He needs to accept that what he did is wrong, otherwise, I’m not sure about the future of the relationship…

    Agree
    Guest
    Agree

    No secrets, wife cooked a dinner not to your liking, be honest tell her it tasted like…….

    Husband built the sukka looks like something our child coulda done a better job. Be upfront and honest tell him like it is.

    Berel
    Guest
    Berel

    #37

    I understood the point just fine thank you.

    The general point I made was that even though it’s not generally acceptable to mislead your parents, the Rebbe hid R’ Ayre’s passing not in spite (c’v) but because of the Rebbe’s undoubted greatness and kibud av voaim. My intent had nothing to do with whether the Rebbezin knew or did not know, the similarity to our issue here is in the abstract.

    The point is that you cannot determine the correct course of action from afar without the particulars when it comes to very personal interactions between people.

    Hope that helps.

    To # 42
    Guest
    To # 42

    Clearly not. The reference about the Rebbe and his mother, re: her son/his brother was totally out of line! First of all the original title/question was ‘Should you tell your “spouse” everything’. In response to your comment, I made mention to the fact that even though we are aware of the kibud Aim the Rebbe had, are we aware that he too kept it from the Rebbetzin ie, “his spouse”. Even if we had these answers would that make it ok for you to bring it as an example? In my humble opinion even then, it’s down right disrespectful to… Read more »

    I don't agree
    Guest
    I don't agree

    If a spouse lies it isn’t healthy in the marriage. Its different to say I’m going out with some friends I need some alone time…. Then to lie. I think this articles advice is dangerous for a marriage

    Lying Never OK
    Guest
    Lying Never OK

    However, why in the world is the husband afraid to tell the wife the truth? She has to examine herself to see if she to clingy, needy, controlling or abusive. Yes, women can be abusive. Not usually physically abusive, but emotionally so. So, I would suggest that this woman look herself good in the mirror and ask herself why her husband is lying to her. She should be honest with HERSELF. Then, she can have that conversation. Although sharing every single encounter, purchase, expense, experience is not necessary, the more you have in common, the closer you feel. Women often… Read more »

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