By A Parent
On the Shabbos after Pesach, May 3-5, 2019, at the beautiful Crowne Plaza Hotel in Stamford, Connecticut, an organization called Kesher Nafshi did something extraordinary and completely unprecedented: it brought together over 600 parents for a Shabbaton of achdus and chizuk. Together, we supported one another in our common nisayon: parenting “off the derech” kids.
These parents are dealing not just with kids who happen to not be frum, but with all its associated symptoms and causes: trauma, PTSD, school distress, learning issues, behavioral challenges, and so much more. Yet the Shabbaton saw laughter, applause, chizuk, and singing. There was also, of course, vulnerably shared pain by the most prominent members of our communities, with tears of pain and frustration as well.
The majority of the attendees were Chassidish of every stripe. The rest ranged from very yeshivish to modern, from in-town to out-of-town, to Europe, Great Britain, and Israel. It didn’t matter.
Kesher Nafshi was created to support parents throughout the year with guidance from da’as Torah, askanim, and mental health professionals. It also provides precious peer support and chizuk in various get togethers and an annual Shabbaton. Some parents are used to “tzaras rabim chatzi nechama,” but newer parents are still living a secret, shameful pain. Here they wondrously find an open place to share, care, and learn better ways of coping.
Rabbi Shimon Russell, noted therapist and lecturer on this subject, keynoted, along with the eloquent and prolific Rabbi Shais Taub and Rabbi Moshe Weinberger of Aish Kodesh in the Five Towns. Author Batya Ruddell, who recently wrote the book “On Their Derech: the conversation continues” shared her thoughts in multiple sessions and conducted a book signing as the book was distributed as gifts. Members also shared in panel discussions and breakout sessions. Rabbi Pinchas Friedman of Belz and Rabbi Shalom Noach Landau offered personal perspectives and inspiration.
But it wasn’t only about the speeches. I have never been in a davening like that, and I don’t just mean the professional “Zingers” a cappella harmonies that broke your soul open. The davening stopped mid-laining for Harav Landau to say a mi sheberach – with individual names – for every single child who needed it, and for every single parent in pain in the room. It was just another message that each attendee got: you matter, your children matter, this is not your fault, it is a gezeirah from Hashem, your children are struggling and your only job is to love them up, just as Hashem loves us through our pain
The profound influence of this weekend is inarticulatable. You truly had to be there. Connections have been made that will last a lifetime. Things have been learned that would have been impossible to know otherwise. Hugs and tears, normally under wraps in our sterile world, were in abundance, by both men and women.
The weekend ended with a keynote by Rabbi Russell on parenting which I am personally determined to make viral. Next year’s event proves to be even bigger and better – and I daven that each parent who needs it knows about it, so we can continue to reduce the stigma, find our strength, and most importantly, help our precious children heal.
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Sobbing all along! I think this speech is a must. Not only once crisis hits. I think it should be taught and made aware of before.
Just like you have kalla classes before a getting married it should be mandatory to have also chinuch classes. In order not to have so many hurt kids in our world. It does to much pain. To all circles!!
BH I went to the Sunday program and was floored by what I saw. It was simply beyond words. Frum parent’s from all backgrounds supporting each other and getting inspired by the amazing sessions. All communities are going through the same nisayon today. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is the Shlichus of our generation. To be makarev our own children unconditionally! I highly recommend anyone struggling with their children to join Avi’s parenting groups, watch his YouTube videos and register for his next shabbaton. I have tens of grateful parents in crown heights and and on Shlichus… Read more »
FAll n All is good except the term Off the Derech..People should know that just this negative demeaning term labels and judges. When I hear someone say top girl or top boy I cringe. Who are the bottom. These labels can hurt and last forever. Love your children unconditionally and stop judging and whatever you put in them remains.Daven and accept them. Then look at yourself. I know too many people who wear hats,beards, and are the most crooked people you can image. I loved my son and now he is as frum as I could want and affects others… Read more »
They are NOT off the derech. Simply on their own derech. What the frum world should realize is the true meaning of “chanoch lenaar al pi darko” and that everyone travels at their own pace. Stop the labels. I also dislike the term “top boy” – “top” for who?
Such an amazing talk! Highly recommend to everyone who is or ever may become a parent….
Thank you for publishing this article. Wish every parent who’s struggling with there kids would join this organization. It’s a life saver, and there’s no other place today where they can turn to but this group. It will bring peace in the home they never had.
I wish we had such a thing here in Toronto however to educate the educators!!! So many frum precious children are being turned away from Jewish Day Schools and placed in public schools. Why you may ask? These educators say these children are not “normal”. They do not fit in. Whether it be because the child needs some extra assistance in adjusting or doesn’t know enough Hebrew, etc… The lists goes on. For us personally, I said to the head of the Jewish Day school my children attended that we are Baal Tshuva. If we take our precious kids out… Read more »
Same problem exists in Crown Heights and Lubavitch mosdos around the world. It’s a no brainer to take “cookie cutter” kids. A mechanech that can turn around or mainstream a “struggling” child is a superior mechanech. I’ve heard from a popular seminary, “we’re not equipped to deal with such girls”. “Such girls” were once mainstream BRHS students – slightly turned off, due to poor chinuch! Give “such girls” good chinuch and love and see what you can accomplish!
Today’s mainstream and even not mainstream have seemed to have long lost the actual vision of our own mission statement, who we are, and what we are here to accomplish….. The result is that while the inexperienced bachurim and younger adult teachers teach to, and inevitably keep the “top” students, the “other” students are made to feel more and more disenfranchised and marginalized. Every Yeshiva MUST be more discerning as to who they hire to be the Rebbeim, mashpiim, and ALL staff, from its Admins to magidei shiur, etc, MUST attend these type of seminars several times a year. Otherwise… Read more »
All of the comments that I read through 9 are on the money. The shabbaton was amazing. Shimon Russell is very impressive. Everyone should listen to his other speeches. Moishe Feiglin does amazing work. While the parents go to Avi Fishoff Feiglin creates a place for the children. Hopefully our schools will slowly retire the old guard. It is enough turning off precious girls from yiddishkeit. Time for the girls to consider what a principal is – a pal. The girls should love the principals and look up to them and the principals should genuinely care about the girls. This… Read more »
An absolutely unreal unbelieveable weekend of achdus and learning. People who put this together great great great.
It was an amazing weekend! such chizuk felt, mamosh tangible! it is very painful for any parent to deal with a child who is labeled OTD. and they usually feel very alone. very scared. and don’t know what to do, ‘cuz whatever they have done until now has not worked and has not helped out the situation. (usually). if you are a parent who feels like that, do yourself and your child a favor and call avi fishoff. His guidance is amazing, and you will then feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! there is… Read more »
What a beautiful and belated event! Kudos to all involved!
Great Article! I was a parent at the Shabbaton. I agree with everything in the article except it’s title. The Shabbaton was not at all about children who are commonly referred to as being OTD. The Shabbaton was for parents coming together to learn how to improve their parenting skills. What we learned at the Shabbaton, was that virtually all frum parents have much to learn, how to do parenting, much better, and quite differently, if we want to be more effective and more successfull. If a parent has a child which displays symptons of elevated temperature, the problem is… Read more »
please let me know.. [email protected] THANKS