Words mean a lot when they are sincere.
Most men don’t talk much, and among guys that is the way we prefer it. We don’t care to talk about our feelings. We don’t care to be recognized for who we are, but rather, for our accomplishments.
For men, not saying anything means that everything is just grand.
For women, not saying anything leaves a void that they fill with questions. Being ultra-critical of themselves, they mentally beat themselves up, thinking every negative possibility. Needless to say, this makes them unhappy.
This does not mean you have to talk a lot, rather, that some things are important to say.
Here are some things you should share with your wife.
1) Tell how you feel about her.
Most men love their wives. But it isn’t in our nature to share our feelings. She is aching to know how you feel about her, and though you told her a week ago and nothing has changed, she is already thinking negative thoughts.
Among men, not seeing or talking for years, doesn’t change how we feel about each other. Among women, not talking for a while, is proof that the friendship has gone south.
Think about it before you tell her, don’t just say say meaningless words. Be creative, find new ways to tell her how you feel about her. Saying the same thing for fourty years is not the way to go about it.
2) Tell her how well she is doing.
She wants to know if she is a good wife and a good mother. Don’t focus on the negative, she already has enough negative thoughts about herself. Focus on the positive, remind her of things she does, for you and for the family. When you see her do something that shows that she is a good wife or mother, point it out, let her know that you appreciate her.
3) Notice and compliment.
For woman, who they are is extremely important. Therefore, their feelings, their dress, their talents, their abilities and their self expression is of tremendous importance, as it is an expression of who they are.
Therefore complementing what they do, their creativity, how they look or what they are wearing is validating who they are.
Even more than all this, is her inner beauty and her inner strengths, her brain and her heart. As you get to know her, and you see how incredible she is on the inside, make sure you complement her inner self. If you only notice her outside, your feelings for her will begin to seem shallow, and her respect for you will begin to wane.
When you notice these things, you are noticing her for who she is as her own person. You have to respect and honor her for who she is.
This is so important. You have to love her for who she is, and not for what she does for you. When you love her for who she is, she will feel good when she does things for you. When you love her for what she does for you, she will feel used.
Now, how to say it.
The main thing is to say it, but being creative will mean so much more.
Speaking and texting is good, but writing a note or a letter is special and endearing. So use all these means, speak and text often, write notes when you can and every once in a while, write her a letter.
A letter, whether written by hand, typed or emailed, will give her the opportunity to read and reread it, and it gives you the ability to think about what are saying and to be accurate. Because you took the time to write it, it will mean so much to her. You should even consider making letter writing a part of your routine, once a week, once a month, before a holiday, etc. If you do, she will be waiting for your letter with joyful anticipation.
(Now that I am unable to speak, I started writing my wife letters every Friday. I now see the value of writing letters, it is so much more than talking.)
Of course there are many other things that you should share with your wife, these are just some of the important things. Remember, the main thing is not the way you choose to say it, but that you say it.
I hope this strengthens your relationship.
Thank you for improving my life and many others!
I am a wife and agree with everything:) great advice !
This is beautiful, thank you for writing it up so clearly and sharing. Can someone please share a link for parts 1 and 2? I can’t seem to find them through a search. Thanks!
Thank you for this thoughtfully written article.
to number 15 – you are missing the point. Can we just focus on man to woman without having a go at the other way around.
Rabbi Yitzi, Yasher Koach – your words are so wise and show so much depth of character. Your willingness to give to others, davka now is unbelievably inspiring! May hashed bless you with a complete recovery
Yitzi, Thank you!
What is the advice to women to cater to the needs of men?
Yasher Koach Yitzi.Thank you for making the effort to share such potent tips to us. May the Aibishter give you and Dina lots of Koach and may we see you walking and singing as you greet Moshiach!
i hope you will continue to post Yitzi Hurwitz’s writing very often.
i always want to read what he writes but always forget how to find it. but collive is easy to find, i go there anyway, so this is a great way for me to keep up with Yitzi’s beautiful writing as well
thank you col
And agree with #7
Food for thought. Adding my 2cents….
1: Bochurim (of marriageable age) make a trip to ‘engage’ in a course led by Rabbi Yitzi and his wise words or
2: Published a book…
I hope my husband gona see it
Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz. I hope you read this comment. I feel like I just woke up to your amazingness. I am a girl, and I would assume most women would be touched by this article. This is so deep and so touching. It is much more than good advice. It shows that you care. You care about your wife, you care about feelings, and you care about the PNIMIYUS of your wife and your relationship, meaning, your perception has depth – you care about what matters at the core. I feel it is unfair that you are suffering now. But… Read more »
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER EVEN IN YOUR PRESENT STATE.
IMAGINE WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH IN GOOD HEALTH!
REFUOH SHLEIMO NOW!
Your words are powerful!
You should publish a book with all your words of wisdom and experience! May Hashem bentch you with a complete and speedy recovery in the most incredible way! Thank you
That was very wise. Do you have any dating advice for bachurim?
Thank you for saying it how it should and expressing it so well . All true 100 percent ! A1 perspective
As a wife, I totally agree. You are so wise, Your words are from the heart, they will enter the hearts and make a difference. Your wife is lucky to get such sincere, deep love and respect. Hashem Ad Mosai!! Refuah Shelaima!!
Yasher Koach!
BH as a wife, I feel the same way and it is so important for husbands to do the above!
thank you thank u ! so well written!
Thank you so much for your wisdom and insight