Parents- stop and think
Imagine this scenario: Shemerel and Yentl get married. Shmerel imagines that he will come home from a day at work to a calm wife, waiting to serve him a freshly cooked hot meal, with the house neat and tidy. But after just a few weeks of marriage, Shmerel realizes that his image of marital bliss has been shattered. The reality is that his wife works all day, comes home irritated and exhausted and he is often the one who makes dinner!
Of course, there are other issues as well, they are both human beings with flaws and hang ups. Shmerel complains to his parents, whose response is to tell him to leave the marriage! They want their son to be happy, and clearly he isn’t, so why should he stick around and suffer.
For many years now in my role as a Rabbi’s wife, I have been dealing with marriages. I have seen many couples who nearly got divorced turned things around, and with effort and commitment turn a rough marriage into a happy and secure one. They understood that marriage is hard work, but then anything that is worthwhile requires effort and exertion.
Those marriages that fell apart were the ones where parents interfered and didn’t have the staying power to allow their child to work on their marriages. “My child is unhappy, they need a divorce!” they say. Well, parents, grow up and allow your son/daughter the time to develop a loving relationship with their spouse.
Parents, stop and think, what are you doing, why are you interfering in your child’s marriage?
I am not talking about marriages where abuse occurs, I am talking about the ordinary marriage that most people live through. Do you want your child to be happy on their terms or on yours? Are you freaking out because you now found out that your darling married a human, with flaws and issues. Well your son in law or daughter in law, is discovering that your son/daughter is far from perfect too. Welcome to the human race, we are not malochim.
Your son/ daughter so wants your approval, they want you to approve of their marriage. They need and want your brocha and haskoma. Their marriage will not flourish, may not even survive, if a parent is always pointing out their spouses flaws. Believe me, they live with the flaws, they can see them.
Our job is to build up our “child in law” in your child’s eyes. A marriage is filled with kedusha and brocha, don’t be the one to demolish this. Be mature, you are the parent. Every marriage has challenges, adjustments, rough times and learning curves. If you have real cause to be worried, encourage your couple to go for therapy. Explain that all marriages go through hard times, but can be used to grow together as a couple.
Remember that when you walked your child to the chuppah, you stood back once the Chosson and Kallah were in the middle. This is to teach us parents, to stand back and allow the couple to build their own marriage independently.
Do not be the meddling parent that is like a bird on the shoulder, always chirping about your son/daughter in law’s faults. Be mature, you are the parent. A sach nachas!
to #13. Yes, it really does happen. Its sad, frustrating and confusing.
So… this couple Shmerel and Yentel are divorcing because of dinner?!?!? Maybe he should make more money and they can have a cook?! THIS IS VERY STUPID!!!! Maybe parents know whats right for their kids as they brought them up. And what do parents interfering have to do with dinner divorcing????
There obviously are times when parents interfere in a wrong way. But many times parents interfere in a good way. It is always easy to “blame” parents or inlaws. but very often that is not the entire problem. Very often there are real issues, sometimes even frumkeit issues. Parents may see their children suffering and feel powerless to help. A parent cannot always close their eyes. They have to understand when to speak and when to stay quiet. But you cant ask a parent not to notice problems. However, if a problem is a small matter, of course say nothing.… Read more »
Why today is everyone so concerned about the “feelings” of the children?… Moshaich must be coming. What ever happened to k’bd aba eym?
VERY mature and wise woman
At every low point both sets of our parents encouraged divorce, even mashpiahs and rabbis did! Our marriage from the beginning was terrible, we both didn’t know what we were doing. It took us moving out of state, away from family and friends and starting over with major therapy and tons of growth, to finally say that we are happily married, going on 15 years. I have so many friends who confided that they regret their divorce, which is sad. (obviously some cases divorce is necessary). There are so many people getting marriage advise from blogs or facebook groups that… Read more »
selfish people have a hard time letting go of their kids. this can stem from varies reasons (the parents not having a good relationship and therefore using their kids to fill that void).
parents need to let go of their kids once they get married and give them a chance to grow and build a relationship of their own. if their child dose open up to them for help they should follow the rebbes instruction of getting a third party involved
Very well written. As a CH parent of married children living in CH, I never visit without calling first. Only on Shabbos, my wife or I would visit our daughter or daughter in law when she’s home with young children & could use the company when her husband is still in shul.
You got it
excercise : if you can’t control yourself and you opened your mouth you are still on time to say ,instead of a flaw some positive from your in law
Open pockets also works very well
I wish my n’ laws can read this article and obey to it.
Sometimes your child’s spouse is not being so nice to your child – and then it’s hard to be quiet – but they have to work it out.
seriously who would want to start all over again working on ( ur childs ) marriage ??!!
can wait to get them all married off so i can njoy my husband and the fruits of our hard work over the years , to have arrived at this point of such a wonderful relationship and great friendship.
go away and work it out and come back with only nachas 🙂
It’s no small matter, whatever the situation was prior to this. To disassemble a marriage, after the fact, unless it’s life threatening to either partner, is a major problem for both. Parents get help for yourself if you can’t control your urge to interfere.
What kind of parents wants their child to get divorced? and then what? They’ll have a hard time finding someone because now they are a divorcee… just insane that there are parents out there like that.
An honest, relevant, important op-ed on collive I finally and totally agree with!
very warm and encouraging article thanks
to # 11, there is a major difference when a parent-in-law buds into their child marriage, as to when a child needs encouragement. if he or she comes to you for advise yes definitely help them, but until then , allow them to do theirs/ hatzlacha, binyan adei ad
I agree 10000% with what the rabbis wife said. As a shvigger I’m always saying my kids how lucky they are to have such awesome husbands and I tell my great also that they are great. And everyone knows that there will always be ups and downs but you have to build on the good times and keep moving forward. Please stay out of their marriages. When they need you , you be there for them and compliment how proud you are that they are building a beautiful basis ne’eman b’yisrael.
I think the advice from #2 is perfect. I agree 100%.
I would have apprecited a few classes on being a mother in law
a few years ago – what to expect and how to behave when you see things are not perfect in your children’s marriage – what you can say or not say etc. The right attitude to have.
Marriage takes WORK. Growth. Investment. And patience. I have one more piece of advice: At the same time that parents need to “butt out,” the unmarried siblings (who, of course, have so much wisdom and experience) also have to withhold judgment. (Unless there’s abuse. In that case, the abused party must seek professional help and family support to follow up.)
My veltlich m-i-l has always been actively interested in being “supportive” to my husband whenever he’s unhappy about anything. I’ve overheard her say things like, “You sure don’t have any luck in picking out wives, do you dear?”
No wonder I’m his third wife!
What a mystery that our children can be so dear to her when, genetically, they’re half from ME — the pariah of the family for holding onto this “crazy” orthodox Judaism (in her opinion).
This article is extremely overdue. I am in one of those marriages where my MIL has no problem letting me know how much she doesn’t like me and how much she wishes I wasn’t around. It’s put my husband in a painful position because he has to moderate between us. I often wonder why these parents can’t let go? If you think you did such an awesome job then trust that they can handle being married and make their own choices and make their own memories when they have children. And like the writer says both husband and wife are… Read more »
yes totally agree, I’ve seen this over and over
Parents seem to be doing this about dating… They want to choose their childs spouses but are often not on the same page as their kid…BACK OFF!
This is a very sad reality.
This applies to any family member mixing in.
works both ways.too many times children remain immature and demand continuing monetary support or frequent meals,babysitting,never learning to be self-reliant,not maintaining confidentiality between the couple,which is crucial to healthy marriage.
I am amazed at the wisdom of this older woman. Unbelievable
to me! I wish I could have a discussion with whom ever she is.
In general, I think we probably need to make a diffrenciation between if the s.i.l. or d.i.l. is doing something dangerous or just annoying. If it’s dangerous we should probably consult with an appropriate Mashpia on how to proceed, otherwise it makes sense to step out of the way and just try to praise the in law for their Mailos.
Chuppah. How many times do you want to put out that kind of money on each child. Give their marriage a chance & let them alone!
All my children are married & B”H they are all very happy. I have an excellent relationship with my inlaw children – I genuinely care for them & they know I will do anything to help them. They in turn treat me with warmth and respect – what they say privately I don’t know or care. Even if I privately disagree with things I never say a word, they are all great. This article is long overdue. I have to tell you, there are some really destructive parents out there. If you love your children, show you love the spouses,… Read more »
That krovim relatives should not get involved leave it to a third party who is impartial.
is this for real? parents will encourage divorce for something this petty? hard to believe
A older woman once told me the advice she gives her kids ” come to me when you have something nice to say about your spouse, but if you ever want to complain about him/her go tell someone else not me”
sometimes your child needs your encouragement to be more assertive when spouse is too demanding and taking advantage. your child is overwhelmed, stressed and needs a parent’s guidance. but yes, try everything first to work it out-divorce is a last resort.
there is a letter from the Rebbe in which he tells the father to stay out of his daughters marriage because while he obviously tremendously cares about her, he is inevetiabley going to damage, and the same goes for any family.
Someone neutral from the outside is the best thing
You got it
excercise : if you can’t control yourself and you opened your mouth you are still on time to say ,instead of a flaw some positive from your in law
Open pockets also works very well
I almost got engaged 10 years ago and his mother said no
Don’t ever force your child to choose between his or her spouse and you!!
Agree wholeheartedly, your darling’s marriage resume will not look too good either, with the ugly blot of divorce on it. Leave them alone to grow & blossom and let the third partner in creation have influence on the young couple.
Maybe do better homework BEFORE they get married. There are a lot of shduchim that dont make sense and its really a rachmonus on one spouse, just because there is no abuse does not mean they can (or should settle) work it out. This article has a good point but is very general in saying mix out and let them work it out. Unfortunately there are way too many miserable people out there….
What a refreshing article
Thank you rabbis wife
Kudos to the rabbis wife.
Well said.
May all parents heed your wise words.
Thanks for your input.
Closed mouth, open pocket!
And I’m not even married 🙂