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Sunday, 21 Tishri, 5780
  |  October 20, 2019

Parents, Stay Out of Their Lives

From the COLlive inbox: A wife of a community rabbi tells parents to let their married son/daughter live without interference. Full Story

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I like!
Guest
I like!

And I’m not even married 🙂

Formula to be a good mother/father- in-law:
Guest
Formula to be a good mother/father- in-law:

Closed mouth, open pocket!

Rsq
Guest
Rsq

Kudos to the rabbis wife.
Well said.
May all parents heed your wise words.
Thanks for your input.

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

What a refreshing article
Thank you rabbis wife

Dont fully agree
Guest
Dont fully agree

Maybe do better homework BEFORE they get married. There are a lot of shduchim that dont make sense and its really a rachmonus on one spouse, just because there is no abuse does not mean they can (or should settle) work it out. This article has a good point but is very general in saying mix out and let them work it out. Unfortunately there are way too many miserable people out there….

Very nicely put,
Guest
Very nicely put,

Agree wholeheartedly, your darling’s marriage resume will not look too good either, with the ugly blot of divorce on it. Leave them alone to grow & blossom and let the third partner in creation have influence on the young couple.

Yes, absolutely!
Guest
Yes, absolutely!

Don’t ever force your child to choose between his or her spouse and you!!

A broken heart
Guest
A broken heart

I almost got engaged 10 years ago and his mother said no

Learning
Guest
Learning

You got it
excercise : if you can’t control yourself and you opened your mouth you are still on time to say ,instead of a flaw some positive from your in law
Open pockets also works very well

the Rebbe said this CLEARLY
Guest
the Rebbe said this CLEARLY

there is a letter from the Rebbe in which he tells the father to stay out of his daughters marriage because while he obviously tremendously cares about her, he is inevetiabley going to damage, and the same goes for any family.
Someone neutral from the outside is the best thing

know how/when to interfere
Guest
know how/when to interfere

sometimes your child needs your encouragement to be more assertive when spouse is too demanding and taking advantage. your child is overwhelmed, stressed and needs a parent’s guidance. but yes, try everything first to work it out-divorce is a last resort.

Advice
Guest
Advice

A older woman once told me the advice she gives her kids ” come to me when you have something nice to say about your spouse, but if you ever want to complain about him/her go tell someone else not me”

hard to believe
Guest
hard to believe

is this for real? parents will encourage divorce for something this petty? hard to believe

This is the Rebbe's view
Guest
This is the Rebbe's view

That krovim relatives should not get involved leave it to a third party who is impartial.

Shviger
Guest
Shviger

All my children are married & B”H they are all very happy. I have an excellent relationship with my inlaw children – I genuinely care for them & they know I will do anything to help them. They in turn treat me with warmth and respect – what they say privately I don’t know or care. Even if I privately disagree with things I never say a word, they are all great. This article is long overdue. I have to tell you, there are some really destructive parents out there. If you love your children, show you love the spouses,… Read more »

You probably already spent a lot of money taking them to the~
Guest
You probably already spent a lot of money taking them to the~

Chuppah. How many times do you want to put out that kind of money on each child. Give their marriage a chance & let them alone!

to # 12
Guest
to # 12

I am amazed at the wisdom of this older woman. Unbelievable
to me! I wish I could have a discussion with whom ever she is.
In general, I think we probably need to make a diffrenciation between if the s.i.l. or d.i.l. is doing something dangerous or just annoying. If it’s dangerous we should probably consult with an appropriate Mashpia on how to proceed, otherwise it makes sense to step out of the way and just try to praise the in law for their Mailos.

margaret L
Guest
margaret L

works both ways.too many times children remain immature and demand continuing monetary support or frequent meals,babysitting,never learning to be self-reliant,not maintaining confidentiality between the couple,which is crucial to healthy marriage.

Very true.
Guest
Very true.

This is a very sad reality.

This applies to any family member mixing in.

This needs to start BEFORE wedding
Guest
This needs to start BEFORE wedding

Parents seem to be doing this about dating… They want to choose their childs spouses but are often not on the same page as their kid…BACK OFF!

Rivkah
Guest
Rivkah

yes totally agree, I’ve seen this over and over

Brilliant
Guest
Brilliant

This article is extremely overdue. I am in one of those marriages where my MIL has no problem letting me know how much she doesn’t like me and how much she wishes I wasn’t around. It’s put my husband in a painful position because he has to moderate between us. I often wonder why these parents can’t let go? If you think you did such an awesome job then trust that they can handle being married and make their own choices and make their own memories when they have children. And like the writer says both husband and wife are… Read more »

Yes, very important!
Guest
Yes, very important!

My veltlich m-i-l has always been actively interested in being “supportive” to my husband whenever he’s unhappy about anything. I’ve overheard her say things like, “You sure don’t have any luck in picking out wives, do you dear?”

No wonder I’m his third wife!

What a mystery that our children can be so dear to her when, genetically, they’re half from ME — the pariah of the family for holding onto this “crazy” orthodox Judaism (in her opinion).

Absolutely!
Guest
Absolutely!

Marriage takes WORK. Growth. Investment. And patience. I have one more piece of advice: At the same time that parents need to “butt out,” the unmarried siblings (who, of course, have so much wisdom and experience) also have to withhold judgment. (Unless there’s abuse. In that case, the abused party must seek professional help and family support to follow up.)

Classes for parents-in-law
Guest
Classes for parents-in-law

I would have apprecited a few classes on being a mother in law
a few years ago – what to expect and how to behave when you see things are not perfect in your children’s marriage – what you can say or not say etc. The right attitude to have.

A Proud Grandfather
Guest
A Proud Grandfather

I think the advice from #2 is perfect. I agree 100%.

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

I agree 10000% with what the rabbis wife said. As a shvigger I’m always saying my kids how lucky they are to have such awesome husbands and I tell my great also that they are great. And everyone knows that there will always be ups and downs but you have to build on the good times and keep moving forward. Please stay out of their marriages. When they need you , you be there for them and compliment how proud you are that they are building a beautiful basis ne’eman b’yisrael.

ch.er
Guest
ch.er

very warm and encouraging article thanks

to # 11, there is a major difference when a parent-in-law buds into their child marriage, as to when a child needs encouragement. if he or she comes to you for advise yes definitely help them, but until then , allow them to do theirs/ hatzlacha, binyan adei ad

Whew for one!
Guest
Whew for one!

An honest, relevant, important op-ed on collive I finally and totally agree with!

huh?
Guest
huh?

What kind of parents wants their child to get divorced? and then what? They’ll have a hard time finding someone because now they are a divorcee… just insane that there are parents out there like that.

After the Chuppah & Kiddushim, the couple is beshert
Guest
After the Chuppah & Kiddushim, the couple is beshert

It’s no small matter, whatever the situation was prior to this. To disassemble a marriage, after the fact, unless it’s life threatening to either partner, is a major problem for both. Parents get help for yourself if you can’t control your urge to interfere.

i know how i will be ...
Guest
i know how i will be ...

seriously who would want to start all over again working on ( ur childs ) marriage ??!!
can wait to get them all married off so i can njoy my husband and the fruits of our hard work over the years , to have arrived at this point of such a wonderful relationship and great friendship.
go away and work it out and come back with only nachas 🙂

have to work it out themselves
Guest
have to work it out themselves

Sometimes your child’s spouse is not being so nice to your child – and then it’s hard to be quiet – but they have to work it out.

How can I get my n' laws to read it?
Guest
How can I get my n' laws to read it?

I wish my n’ laws can read this article and obey to it.

Learning
Guest
Learning

You got it
excercise : if you can’t control yourself and you opened your mouth you are still on time to say ,instead of a flaw some positive from your in law
Open pockets also works very well

CH Resident
Guest
CH Resident

Very well written. As a CH parent of married children living in CH, I never visit without calling first. Only on Shabbos, my wife or I would visit our daughter or daughter in law when she’s home with young children & could use the company when her husband is still in shul.

selfish
Guest
selfish

selfish people have a hard time letting go of their kids. this can stem from varies reasons (the parents not having a good relationship and therefore using their kids to fill that void).
parents need to let go of their kids once they get married and give them a chance to grow and build a relationship of their own. if their child dose open up to them for help they should follow the rebbes instruction of getting a third party involved

I'm so happy we never listened to our parents
Guest
I'm so happy we never listened to our parents

At every low point both sets of our parents encouraged divorce, even mashpiahs and rabbis did! Our marriage from the beginning was terrible, we both didn’t know what we were doing. It took us moving out of state, away from family and friends and starting over with major therapy and tons of growth, to finally say that we are happily married, going on 15 years. I have so many friends who confided that they regret their divorce, which is sad. (obviously some cases divorce is necessary). There are so many people getting marriage advise from blogs or facebook groups that… Read more »

Kudos to number 15
Guest
Kudos to number 15

VERY mature and wise woman

a concerned mother-in-law
Guest
a concerned mother-in-law

Why today is everyone so concerned about the “feelings” of the children?… Moshaich must be coming. What ever happened to k’bd aba eym?

not that simple
Guest
not that simple

There obviously are times when parents interfere in a wrong way. But many times parents interfere in a good way. It is always easy to “blame” parents or inlaws. but very often that is not the entire problem. Very often there are real issues, sometimes even frumkeit issues. Parents may see their children suffering and feel powerless to help. A parent cannot always close their eyes. They have to understand when to speak and when to stay quiet. But you cant ask a parent not to notice problems. However, if a problem is a small matter, of course say nothing.… Read more »

REALLY CONFUSED!
Guest
REALLY CONFUSED!

So… this couple Shmerel and Yentel are divorcing because of dinner?!?!? Maybe he should make more money and they can have a cook?! THIS IS VERY STUPID!!!! Maybe parents know whats right for their kids as they brought them up. And what do parents interfering have to do with dinner divorcing????

Yes!
Guest
Yes!

to #13. Yes, it really does happen. Its sad, frustrating and confusing.

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