ב"ה
Monday, 29 Shevat, 5780
  |  February 24, 2020

Not Another Broken Heart

Shidduchim SOS: From a Chassidishe bochur wanting Shlichus, my husband turned into an unemployed man touching his beard and drinking in bars. Mrs. Sarah Junik, how do I avoid making a mistake again? Full Story

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Expert??!! l think not
Guest
Expert??!! l think not

“Before I mention some practical advice to discern character and try to avoid such pitfalls, let me remind you and anyone else that sometimes this too is beshert. It does not say anywhere that marriage must be happy. Nowhere are we told that out Besherte will be the “man/woman of our dreams”. So in other words you are saying that a person should stay in an abusive marriage whether physical or mental because that is their “Bashert”. With the utmost respect i would challenge Mrs. Junik to please find me a source for such a ludicrous statement. “Nisyones” don’t mean… Read more »

list
Guest
list

would you kindly post the questions list on this site. Thank you for your tremendous help

we dont need
Guest
we dont need

we dont need to hear you anonymously start complaining about your personal marrige thats not my business

to # 3
Guest
to # 3

Well no one asked you to read it, it is perfectly justified for this girl to pose the questions that are bothering her to ensure that she doesnt make the same mistake again.
What is wrong with that?

#1 totally agree
Guest
#1 totally agree

What kind of “nisyonos”are you refering to?Marraige should be about enjoying each others company even if you dont have the same interests.I think the part of the problemn lies in the fact most men/woman dont understand the whole “men r from mars,woman are from venus”concept.

to #3
Guest
to #3

everything one sees and hears should teach one something,
take a lesson, and i’m sure many readers may benefit from it.

BLOG
Guest
BLOG

whats the blog?
what questions?

To 1
Guest
To 1

I think your a bit harsh. She did not say to stay with major problems. No marriage is perfect. Obviously divorce was made by G-d for a reason.

very nice
Guest
very nice
very nice
Guest
very nice

i really like this article, out of all the other articles this one is actually sheds light,
it is so important what you mentioned above to do a thorough research, try to detect any hesitations, ….
moshiach now

to number 1
Guest
to number 1

That’s not what Rebbetzin Junik meant. I think that she meant that bad marriages, like all unfortunate events in lfe, happen, and there happening is the will of God, Hashgacha Pratis. When a bad marriage is referred to as beshert, it means that it is this person’s lot in life deal with this situation in the best possible way for them, whether through therapy or divorce. Mrs. Junik is merely saying marriages take work, and some people expect everything to be perfect. A healthy marriage isn’t neccessarily one where husband and wife agree on everything and never fight. So to… Read more »

what the "expert" missed
Guest
what the "expert" missed

I don’t know the qualifications of this “expert” but the blatant mistake was in allowing to go on for so long without seeking professional help and only waiting until the damage was “too far gone” to look for help and by that time both of you were hurt beyond repair

there is so much more to say, maybe I will get to this later once the kids are asleep

on the names of all crown heighters.....
Guest
on the names of all crown heighters.....

we don’t want to hear stories and stories
we want tachlis, names of boys and girls to
move on…. so … who is in crown heights as a active shadchan without cash in advance!!!
very upset NO ONE CARES ….

there is no "bashert" to suffer in a marriage
Guest
there is no "bashert" to suffer in a marriage

people get killed and we have to accept it but no one is “bashert” to suffer in a marriage

as well, it usually takes two to tangle… and very seldom can we put all the blame on the other person regardless of how much we love ourselves

Love to see lots of engagements posted!
Guest
Love to see lots of engagements posted!

One of the writers mentioned the importance of seeking a mashpia’s advice. Please be careful of whom you choose as a mashpia. I am aware of a family where the daughter is still single at 27 because the mashpia has nixed every shidduch proposed to her claiming that they are not worthy of such a fantastic girl. I hope the mashpia does not do the same to her own children—If one is acting as a mashpia, she must be very careful not to destroy someone’s mazel.

the blog
Guest
the blog

she writes: I have written at length on the type of questions to ask in my blog

Can someone please post a link? Thx

Blog
Guest
Blog

Shidduchim101.blogspot.com

response to #13
Guest
response to #13

you write: “so … who is in crown heights as a active shadchan without cash in advance!!! ” Why is a shadchan not entitled to request cahs in advance? Assuming we are talking about a relatively nominal sum ($150-250), why not request this of someone who we are asking to put hours into our concerns without any ability to ensure success. if we are talking about a shadchan (not a neighbor or friend) they are involved with many, bochrim and young ladies (pet peeve, when saying ‘boys and girls’ it sounds like we are refering to 10 year olds. if… Read more »

To number 1
Guest
To number 1

You are obviously young and don’t have much experience with marriage. Since, any person will tell you marriage in itself is a Nisoyon. It is a daily struggle to have 2 entity’s who till now spent there lives apart now have to live together as one. The fact that in some cases the Nisoyon takes on a different look, one of physical or emotional abuse does not change the fact when this person married the individual it was bashert for them. It also doesn’t change the fact that as it brings down in Gemara a story of a Talmid Chochom… Read more »

In response
Guest
In response

I once heard from a very clever woman- up until the day you get married, it’s not hashgacha pratis- it’s your responsibilty to make sure that this is te right person for you. Once you are married, it’s already hashgacha pratis that this is the situation you’re in and you have to do everything possible to make your marriage work. ( obviously if someone is abusive or something extreme that’s a different story .

what
Guest
what

I do not know what bars mean does it mean in jail or does it mean a bar like from a wedding

Bitachon
Guest
Bitachon

“And even after all these precautions, it may happen that one is taken in. To minimize this, daven constantly to be shown the right person for you. Be specific and clear in your description. Ask for Siata D’Shmaya, ask for the person who you can build a Bais Neemon.” the key is not just to daven, but to have bitochon that Hashem will make it work in a good and revealed way. According to the Rebee in Likkutei Sichos Vol 31, Parshas Shemos, Bitochon means to have trust that it will be good in a revealed way. Through this, it… Read more »

old advice
Guest
old advice

i once heard of some advice from an old person many many years ago. i am not sure if this advice applies to our times or now days perhaps its just not the done thing or fashionable but il share it with you ……. the advice was as follows “tell the truth” wowowow amazing. a boy should tell the truth about himself and the girl should as well. if the girls truth is that she wants to go on shlichus and the boys truth is that he wants to stay in bars well then end of story. so much suffering… Read more »

chassidishe ungelite and Not Malochim,
Guest
chassidishe ungelite and Not Malochim,

I know nothing of this couple that got divorced, but I want to mention that girls are generally more religious than even the more chassidishe boys, on some levels. The guys are superficially dressed and they go to minyanim and they learn, but there are some parts about guys that are not Malochim, like these girls expect. Know that in some ways all men are alike and have certain expectations, which could cause other troubles.

How is it possible to get accurate info???
Guest
How is it possible to get accurate info???

You either come accross those that say only wonderful things and then those that give negative comments …like they don’t know him/her well enough or ???

There is no such thing as "general advice"
Guest
There is no such thing as "general advice"

Just wondering, maybe that guy DID want to go on shlichus, and then just bailed? Maybe he has a lot to say in his defense? IMHO, without knowing the other side of the story even such general advice as “better research” could be misplaced. Maybe this lady WAS very thorough with her research. Maybe she just needed a little help to handle her marriage? Can’t really say without knowing..

Life Coach for Singles
Guest
Life Coach for Singles

Sorry, it was inappropriate in this case to take about bashert in a bad marriage and that some young people today aren’t ready to work on a relationship. That’s not what this young woman stated. She tried everything, went for marital counseling, spoke to her mashpa…She’s a world removed to young people who cannot or will not do everything possible to save a salvageable marriage. It is not bashert to be miserable. What is helpful advice is that every situation we find ourselves in, even if it turns out bad, after the fact, we can use that bad experience to… Read more »

From the author
Guest
From the author

I am very dissappointed in some of the remarks here. I dont understand you people, this marriage was not solvable, there was nothing to work with, we’re talking here about a sick person who was in it only for himself, was not ready to give himself over and to work as a team, all he wanted was that I should serve him and I should do this and I have to change this and I have to change that, in meanwile he had no interest in being there for me. He wanted to bring me down and thought that he… Read more »

to 24
Guest
to 24

gross generalisations! bigoted to say the least. you obviously seem to hang around the same sort of men. break free…. perhaps?

TRUST YOUR GUT
Guest
TRUST YOUR GUT

a parent can ask a mashpia or 10 brilliant people but its important not to disregard one’s own gut feeling. You the parent know YOUR own kid better than themashpia. NEVER BELIEVE THAT THE MASHPIA KNOWS YOUR CHILD BETTER-take what they say but in the end TRUST YOUR OWN FEELINGS OR YOU COULD END UP IN MY SITUATION!-BE FOREWARNED

FROM THE AUTHOR AGAIN
Guest
FROM THE AUTHOR AGAIN

Let me tell you people, everyone has an agenda. The friends have an agenda to keep their friend with a good reputation. The prospective boy or girl or their parents hiding the issues is the biggest problem. If you have issues come out of the closet and be open before u get married. Save yourself and your future spouse heartache.. If you have emotional issues or insecurities or were abused or is an abuser state those things before u get engaged, its not right to the person youre marrying to have to deal with a full set of issues which… Read more »

Feeling your pain
Guest
Feeling your pain

Dear Author, I feel your pain, and am crying while typeing this. Beceause I too, am a victim of such a marriage,and from a ambitous young Kallah I turned into a young dicorced girl. My story is not exactly the same like yours, but we do share the fact, that the boy hid his true colors,and only when married could I detect that something was terribly wrong. In my sad story, it was the parents who hid severe medical issues. Dear Readers, Please, noone should EVER do such a thing to an innocent, young girl! She is not a hospital… Read more »

like attracts like
Guest
like attracts like

if you dig usually like attracts like
imposter attracts imposter
funny…..if they would take off their masks, they would probably really like each other
but while they are attached to their masks (denial)
they cant stand each other
🙂
life is interesting aint it !

I don't own a computer, I am at a friend's house....
Guest
I don't own a computer, I am at a friend's house....

She said he’s “youtubing” all day….is she willing to give up her internet. That may not be the basis of the problem but it is a serious concern. How much is SHE on the computer? Get RID of it!

this is funny
Guest
this is funny

I’m sitting here laughing that when articles of the like show up, its waaaayyy more interesting to read the comments. It’s kinda a sad-funny, every time, no matter what, the comments are soooo negative and each commentator tries to outdo the last commentator on negativaty. Enough! Hamaseh hu ha-ikor! yes, articles will not help ppl get married, but y should that bother YOU?? I’m sure there are lots of singles with questions, very similar questions mind you and although there is no one answer and each person and story is unique, the questions are being answered to the best of… Read more »

I'm so sorry
Guest
I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry you had to suffer through that. May you and all those who have experienced similar be blessed with ease in finding your true lifelong partner, one who will gladden your heart every day.

TIRED OF THIS ARTICLES
Guest
TIRED OF THIS ARTICLES

IT’S ALL ABOUT HOW bochrim are obssed with weight, and we are abusive, watch movies, youtube etc. Guys are horrible and girls are just so good! This is all major —-. Do you know how PICKY the mothers of these girls are? The worry about the smallest and most insgnificant details and try to impress their neighbors. In the process their daugthers get older. My advice, girls, take matters into your own hands, dont’ let your mommy do it all by herself. Not convinced? How protective is your Jewish mother when you get a little cut? Now how about when… Read more »

to # 33
Guest
to # 33

Your comments are SO off base.

And what''s his side of the story?
Guest
And what''s his side of the story?

Pontificating to a sufferer of a failed marriage is hardly the way to give reassurance. Marriage is supposed to be based on mutual, and I repeat, mutual, respect, love and tolerance. I am all for premarital sessions with the Chosson and Kalloh by a competent counsellor. Just like it is important and vital for each to learn the halochois pertaining to family purity, so too is it important to guide them in matters of the heart. Young couples enter marriage with peconceived ideas which are bound to create problems soon after the knot is tied. Bashert means that they are… Read more »

To Mrs. Junik
Guest
To Mrs. Junik

You write “It does not say anywhere that marriage must be happy.”

I disagree: Marriage must be happy. If it is not, it’s time to shape it up or leave CH”V.

Without happiness it is not worth it.

I'm surprised
Guest
I'm surprised

I’m surprised tha Mrs Junik is attributing this kind of mistake to lack of research. Like her, I will not make a conclusion without the facts but there are two things clear to me: 1) Our system does not encourage diversity. If the singles you are dating are considered the norm then you are dating only people that want to go on shlichus etc. HOWEVER it might not be what they really want rather they really just want to be good people who fit in their society and that’s not easy if your not wanting Shlichus (trust me I was… Read more »

sicha correction
Guest
sicha correction

the sicha about bitachon is in cheilek lamad vov sicha aleph.

A sad friend
Guest
A sad friend

I know a story simillar to this, but the other way around, where the girl and her family were hiding certain issues which only came out after the couple was married. They both suffered trying to resurrect the relationship and fix the issues, which they couldn’t bacsuse the girl had serious issues which was not reconcilable, to top it all off the couple thought that therapy would help, but let me tell you all something that therapy does not help, it only makes things worse trust me, ive seen this time and time again and if you dont believe me… Read more »

sensitivity, please.
Guest
sensitivity, please.

i dont understand why anyone would feel the need to respond to someones obvious pain by trying to put down the victim. this article should evoke sympathy, unless commentors are selfish characters like the husband here. the author deserves credit for putting up with this, for as long as she did, and for wisely separating from him. may women in these situations follow and protect themselves.

to # 44
Guest
to # 44

Who’s putting down the victim here?

to #34
Guest
to #34

“She said he’s “youtubing” all day….is she willing to give up her internet. That may not be the basis of the problem but it is a serious concern. How much is SHE on the computer? Get RID of it! ” The issue was not the youtubing all day, that was a symptom of the bigger problem, Dont you people get it??? This guy was really not well psychologicaly or emotionally, he wasn’t a healthy human being and may g-d have rachmanus on him and fix him up so iyh his next marriage will be healthier, but i was not able… Read more »

observation
Guest
observation

it seems from the issues mentioned in the letter, that what R”L broke up that relationship was a serious void in yiras shomayim among other factors. One only needs to look at the “Kingston Ave. Parade” on a daily basis to see women, men, girls, bochurim who are displaying a very degrading illustration of “yiras shomayim & tznius” in general. (ie-shaven beards, long {very, very} long hair, short skirts {way above the knees}, smoking, walking {in public} without any foot-coverings, barely covered hair, tight skirts & dresses, plunging necklines) When you do not have a frum perspective of yiddishkeit, and… Read more »

my take on the system
Guest
my take on the system

I think that the reason that this guy thought that he wanted to go on shlichus is because that the only thing is what he was taught to do and given the option and direction . the yeshiva system is to blame

I heard from Rabbi Francis that...
Guest
I heard from Rabbi Francis that...

Rashi in Mesechta Sota clearly says that the first match is the main one preordained by G-d. The second is a difficult fix. If you should ask why is there problems with first time marriages? The Tosfos point out that when G-d makes a fetus he proclaims on it wheather it will be strong rich or poor etc but He does not say if it will be a TZADIK OR RASHA as we know from Tanya. Therefore, when a first time match does not work out it means that during the persons lifetime till marriage they or their spouse may… Read more »

To 47
Guest
To 47

It’s not called an observation it’s called (in Yiddish) a boich svoreh…aka based on your own ideas..

I bet if you surveyed all the couples that dress/act/beleive as you describe and all the couples that dress/act/beleive as you think they should you’ll find that those that are not like you have better or at least equally happy marriages.

It’s those little things called facts that many choose not to factor into their opinions….

Mashpiya is not the rebbe or the Aibishter
Guest
Mashpiya is not the rebbe or the Aibishter

I know one girl went into a marrige against her parents wishes.
Only because of the Mashpiya’s advice.
Soometimes mashpiyim are not objective.
Somebody should not go against their parent’s advice unless they ask 3 Yedidim Mevinim as the Rebbe clearly said.

I disagree
Guest
I disagree

Trust me,,, I never have and never will go to a shdchan/it I am very capable mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally etc.. Look, here’s my advice.. picture where YOU want to be.. then poll the other half and see where THEY want to be / see themselves.. then look at their actions.. My story is one of blessing’s… I look at my life and judaism as one of growth.. and you know sometimes you get stalled.. Mrs Junik in quoting Rabbi Twersky hits on a very important aspect, people have for years been telling me to get married.. and despite my… Read more »

CHABADMATCH
Guest
CHABADMATCH

TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES REGISTER WITH CHABADMATCH IS 18$ FOR REGISTRATION AND SHADCHANIM WORK FOR FREE

Chatzlacha   in marriage
Guest
Chatzlacha in marriage

You need BITUL expect nothing give everything than are no problems

to 50
Guest
to 50

Excuse me, but…ich hub dir ungerir’t an eiver?! (not literally, of course,) are you of those who choose to emulate a purely goyishe lifestyle – that you must “dismiss” a – lieder (uch un vei) BOICH VEITIG that is plaging Lubavitch presently? I hate to brake the news to you, but just ask ANYONE NOT IN Crown Heights, and they will tell you about a “tznius/yiras shomayim/frumkeit problem” in “lubavitch” today. These are real issues – that no matter how “uncomfortable” they make us look, and the “shanda factor” they carry with them – must be at the very top… Read more »

To all the brilliant people out there who think that therapy cures all problems, you're wrong, it only makes it worse.
Guest
To all the brilliant people out there who think that therapy cures all problems, you're wrong, it only makes it worse.

I dont agree with twerskys approach on marriage, I am more of the school of thought of real Experts in this field like Rabbi Manis Friedman, I think he should be quoted more, he is a brilliant man and I wish people would appreciate him and his expertise in this field and would listen to what he has to say and his approach to marriage, which is torah’s approach and chassidus’s approach.

In hindsight
Guest
In hindsight

You say: “This guy was really not well psychologicaly or emotionally, he wasn’t a healthy human being”. Looking back to your dating and engagement, can you see signs of it? Were there things that bothered you at the time that you ignored? Or did everything seem just fine and was this all a shock? It’s a very sad story. I don’t understand what you meant by: “And to work wasn’t an option either, so I had to work my tail off,” 1) Why wasn’t working an option for him? What were your plans for the year or two after marriage?… Read more »

to #57 and everyone else
Guest
to #57 and everyone else

Well, to say that I saw open signs that things would go south while I was dating would be untrue, I couldn’t have foreseen this coming in my wildest of dreams. He seemed to be a good guy who was kind & level headed and all seemed to work in terms of the chemistry and goals. But as we got to know each other more and living under the same roof we got to see how different we were, and to say the truth, how sick this guy really was, he wanted to bring me down in my goals and… Read more »

Moshiach Tzeiten.
Guest
Moshiach Tzeiten.

I was a woman married to whom everyone thought was the catch of the season. When I went for help to a rav I asked him ‘what happened’? This rav said ‘a man isn’t complete until he has a wife, and only then can you see the whole person (true colors)’. I thought this was quite interesting and helpful. It also took some of anguish off of me thinking what should I have done? what could I have done? As is written in many comments above, there is always more to a divorce than anyone who is not in the… Read more »

by bikores.blogspot.com
Guest
by bikores.blogspot.com

I don’t understand your advice. If you were unable to tell when you dated him that he was so problematic, well, how can you or anyone avoid marrying someone like that? How will you avoid the mistake in the future?

kallah's mother
Guest
kallah's mother

The boy’s mom is happy to get rid of her deviant son. The girl’s mom needs an entire box of tissues!!!!! Sad that the parents of this boy haven’t taken any responsibility to teach this son how to behave in a marriage, inorder for the so called beshert to work for both of them. May Hashem protect our daughters and help teach our children that this scenario not happen.

Education reform
Guest
Education reform

I suspect that a deep part of these issues lies within the educational system.

We need to instill greater discipline in bochurim.

take away lessons
Guest
take away lessons

BS”D Dear Author It is obvious that you are reading these comments and taking them to heart. 1stly, thank you very much for sharing your very touching and heart-wrenching story, there are many lessons. please note however, that the advice given by commentators is based only on what is written, not on your true story. it is not only likely, it is certain that there are many marriages who’s kallah (or choson) would describe exactly as written here, but in actuality simply needs some guidance and a lot of work. This is NOT a judgment on you or the path… Read more »

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