Tuesday, 29 Iyyar, 5781
  |  May 11, 2021

My Husband is Hospitalized and I’m Ashamed to Discuss It

From the COLlive inbox: A mother to young children in Crown Heights writes about the hospitalization of her husband - and it’s not that he has Covid-19. It’s something else and she’s filled with shame to openly discuss it. Full Story

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Thank you for sharing!!
January 13, 2021 11:44 pm

Your brave and courageous. Wishing you the best!

Been there done that!!!
January 14, 2021 12:11 am

I completely get you, I never felt so lonely and lost waiting outside the psychiatric ward. I had no one to ask advice, so glad you have n’shomois.
Stay strong Hashem IS with you!!!
You are on a very difficult journey, reaching out will definitely help you and help others. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Please be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault.
Warm hugs.

January 14, 2021 12:28 am

To speak about mental health has to become more norm and less taboo. It’s not fair and not right to hold it in. Even for your husband, it’s not fair. If he would have opened up earlier to his family and friends for help, it wouldn’t have even bursted the way it did. (I’m not saying it in a blame way, I’m fuming at: WHY is it soooooo taboo, that it MUST BURST for help otherwise it might even be too late chv) Society has to STOP this negative trend of taboo, name label and sidduchim hurting. It’s not right… Read more »

Partially agree.
Reply to  Wow!
January 14, 2021 7:52 pm

It is certainly very important to share struggles of such concern, likely before they have “burst”. However, in many cases, the victim of such a struggle feels they cannot share with close relatives due to the lack of understanding or lack of having parents/family, Ch”V. Each situation is so unique. One of the greatest difficuties, in addition to the raw loneliness one experiences as a family member or spouse of the victim, is the major highs and deepest of lows. These can change by the hour in a day to day life. There is no “cure”. It really is a… Read more »

Reply to  Partially agree.
January 14, 2021 9:26 pm

I like the support group chat idea. Just the fact we share it together as a group, supporting one another, that we’re not alone, takes half of the heaviness away so it doesn’t get to the extent to burst. 2 ideas can help: either by like a email chat or once a month zoom. That will be so helpful if it can be arranged. Or even to ask the author of this article- if she can arrange it. I would love to be part of it. For myself to arrange it, i would love to but I’d need to be… Read more »

Partially agree.
Reply to  Replying
January 16, 2021 11:13 pm

Okay great. I’m sure there are others as well who are interested. I don’t mind starting a google chat group but i guess it won’t be totally anonymous.

Reply to  Partially agree.
January 17, 2021 12:45 am

One person has to be willing to sacrifice themselves and then the rest can go anonymous. It can be like a hour and see how it goes. It can have the idea of the kinus hashluchim were the zoom was on for a few days and whoever wanted to join came and went as they felt. I don’t have WhatsApp access or IG…. just zoom is the most convenient that I can think of as compared to email. If you want we can talk through email to discuss further for details….

Partially agree.
Reply to  Replying
January 17, 2021 2:02 pm

I’m working on a website/blog where it can remain anonymous. Will keep posted.

Reply to  Partially agree.
January 17, 2021 3:02 pm

Thanks so much!

Partially agree.
Reply to  Replying
January 17, 2021 9:31 pm

Did anyone try Imamother.com? It was just suggested to me by a life coach. I just signed up. It seems they cover many support groups and topics.

Reply to  Partially agree.
January 18, 2021 12:46 pm

Thanks anyway…. my mother suggested that there are groups like that but you don’t feel that connected as if we would arrange something amongst anash.

Sara Cohen
January 14, 2021 12:45 am

what is Neshamos contact number and email

Neshamos info
Reply to  Sara Cohen
January 15, 2021 10:56 am

To contact this woman, email [email protected].
Their help line is 646.580.9842.
Neshamos Home Page.

January 14, 2021 1:20 am

Another covid restriction casualty that has been so overlooked and ignored. This is what happens when people’s lives are completely upended for too long. And add in the fear, isolation and desperation from the lockdowns and other covid measures and the cost is far too great for these individuals who would have otherwise been far better off catching covid itself. Young and healthy with a 99% recovery rate. Will he ever fully get back to himself as before a breakdown? Probably not. How can one justify this cost. It’s unbelievably cruel and unnecessary. People wake up and see the big… Read more »

Have some compassion.
Reply to  Anonymous
January 15, 2021 11:18 am

Covid RESTRICTION casualty? How about depression from the pandemic that’s tearing through our community and the world? This writer never said that the “lockdown” is the culprit. She said “…ever since Covid began.” Yes, lockdown is unpleasant and even depressing, and yes it causes problems that need addressing and CAN be solved with the right support. And people struggling with mental health absolutely need the support. But don’t blame the lockdown. Did you consider how depressing Covid ITSELF is? People have lost loved ones who have battled a horrible illness, and the fact that SO MANY people in our community… Read more »

Avremi Gourarie
January 14, 2021 2:07 am

I encourage you to contact me. COL has my contact info.

Been there
January 14, 2021 3:05 am

I personally had a mental breakdown at the beginning of last year turned out I suffer from manic depression (more commonly known as bipolar) I was hospitalized and treated. Thank G-d I’m doing better.
My wife stood by me and was a saving grace. I’m sure you are doing the same for your husband.
I only wish you and your husband a speedy recovery and a bright future.

Me too
Reply to  Been there
January 14, 2021 9:52 am

I have had two episodes of mania and was hospitalized once. It’s obviously much more common than one would think.
חזק חזק

sending love
January 14, 2021 3:54 am

sending love and holding hope for you on this journey. mental illnesses are as real, difficult, and legitimate as physical illnesses- and sufferers and their loved ones deserve the utmost support.

we’re with you.

An adult child of a parent with bipolar
January 14, 2021 6:08 am

I am writing as a child who grew up (many years ago) with a parent who suffered with bipolar. My parent was the loving, caring, brilliant and accomplished supportive parent. In my days it was definitely not out in the opened it was definitely our family secret although when there was an “episode” there was no way the neighbours and close friends didn’t know and they pitched in and helped out. I feel that although I couldn’t discuss it with my friends my parents were pretty opened if we wanted to talk…they even tried to take us for therapy. I… Read more »

support groups
Reply to  An adult child of a parent with bipolar
January 14, 2021 9:14 am

Why do you say support groups are detrimental?

Reply to  support groups
January 14, 2021 6:07 pm

They meant to say….support groups are “beneficial” to families,spouses, and their children…

I know...
Reply to  An adult child of a parent with bipolar
January 14, 2021 10:12 am

I am also an adult child of both parents having bipolar. One has been hospitalized more than once. The other one was able to have it maintained through medication. I am not married, and this has stopped some shidduch ideas. The stigma is strong. B”H my siblings and myself have no issues with mental health. This should become less taboo. This is a disease – not something that destroys everything…

Wow,I hope you're also getting help
Reply to  An adult child of a parent with bipolar
January 14, 2021 10:39 am

That must be so hard for you! Sending strength

So True
Reply to  An adult child of a parent with bipolar
January 15, 2021 11:55 am

I also have experience with a bipolar spouse. My spouse tells people about it when there seems to be a chance of being a support or help to someone, but it is definitely not something we advertise. It is absolutely a shame but very true that we can’t trust the average neighbor/acquaintance/coworker/community member with our emotions. SO MANY people have made jokes or even disparaging remarks about mental illness (“Oh, XYZ Person is crazy, so bipolar. Not the best family, so mentally sick.”). My coworkers have no idea and frankly, I’d keep it that way – so much judgement. But… Read more »

Chazak chazak
January 14, 2021 6:23 am

Sending tefillos your way

January 14, 2021 6:39 am

Very nicely written… touching

January 14, 2021 8:19 am

As a kid one of my parents was in the psychiatric ward at times. I was upstate in camp and one of the kids from out of town came to me and told that she knew in a hurtful way. For me it was like putting salt on a wound. Unfortunately I think our community still has a long way to go with true ahavas yisroel.

Reply to  Leah
January 14, 2021 9:09 am

“Unfortunately I think our community still has a long way to go with true ahavas yisroel.”

Truest statement I’ve read on this website in a while.

Let's build that empathy in our families
Reply to  Leah
January 14, 2021 7:33 pm

How can we make that change, one interaction at a time, one child at a time…

May Hashem heal your husband completely and speedi
January 14, 2021 8:23 am

You should reach out. Hashem will help you.
Besuros tovos.
Davening for your husband and for everyone who needs to get well.

Destigmatize mental illness
January 14, 2021 8:31 am

Mental health affects on average at least one in four men and women in the USA and other developed countries. This means that in a minyan there are at least two and a half people with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. This could be any of us or our loved ones. We should continue to tear down the wall of stigma surrounding mental illness. As a community we should get more educated and talk about mental health, drugs, alcohol, and other critical topics. Start the conversation. This may save lives and families.

Bright side
January 14, 2021 8:39 am

Shame keeps many out of hospitalization, and ignorance and fear prevents many from taking meds. Hopefully they can help your husband get back on track. If he’s not cooperating, you will have to decide if dealing with his problems is the life mission you want to choose. Many in the community are almost forced to, due to the double shame about mental illness and divorce. Your needs and your kids needs matter. Don’t burn yourself out!

Be knowledge before you speak
Reply to  Bright side
January 14, 2021 9:50 pm

Hospitalization keeps people from hospitalization. The psych wards treat people like utter dirt and that keeps people away. Stigma keeps people from seeking help before they need hospitalization.

cant do it alone!
January 14, 2021 9:33 am

I hear you. presently, my husband is in ICU, with metastatic CA stage 4. the outpouring of concern and help is overwhelming. Now, I wonder if he or any family member was in a severe depression in a psychiatric unit, would there be such care and concern? probably not. However, I urge you that you MUST ASK FOR HELP. and don’t perpetuate this unhealthy conspiracy of silence. you cannot do this alone. Being involved with a few friends or even a group, of like minded women and even men. there is strength in numbers. we must break this silence and… Read more »

Wow,I hope you're taking care of yourself too
January 14, 2021 10:41 am

That must be so hard for you,I hope you’re also getting help!

This is so special
January 14, 2021 11:37 am

G-d bless you

Would love to ease your pain
January 14, 2021 12:04 pm

How can we assist with a bit of financial help
At this time…. please leave info besuros tovos quickly!!!

You should be blessed
Reply to  Would love to ease your pain
January 15, 2021 11:57 am

by the Abershter!

I am in a similar situation as you!!!!
January 14, 2021 12:49 pm

I can’t belive im reading a story that sounds so similar to mine. The pain, emotions, the loneliness. Until this moment I never felt like I had someone understand my pain. During Covid, I also had a close family member that was hospitalized due to a manic episode. I kept saying- that I also have a family member in the hospital but I can’t tell a soul. The pain and loneliness is unbearable. Its relieving to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for your bravery and courage!!! You sound like an unbelievable woman!!! We can’t afford to suffer alone.… Read more »

Refuah Shleima!
January 14, 2021 12:52 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you & your husband & your family is suffering so much! 😢😢 May he have a refuah shleima! I agree with you 100%. If a mother is suffering, why suffer more, silently? I suffered from PPD. After I recovered B”H, Ba”h, I had the same thoughts, so eventually I opened a Facebook page called “Break the stigma movement” B”H. I released a single called “I Won’t Hide” available on many music platforms and eventually made it in to a music video B”H, FOR WOMEN ONLY, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LD-6ynWRLLY I opened a women’s support… Read more »

I cannot even imagine your pain!!!
January 14, 2021 1:03 pm

Hashem is with you during these crazy times. There is light at the end if this dark tunnel, although you can’t see how that’s possible. I’ve been there. Wishing you tremendous luck and giving you the biggest hug!!

January 14, 2021 3:31 pm

Wow, you are such a strong and beautiful woman. We are all in this with you.
Sending you tons of love and hugs.

You and your husband are not alone!
January 14, 2021 9:02 pm

I suffered my whole life from anxiety and it took me 24 years to find out. My husband pushed me to go to therapy and was finally diagnosed. I felt the biggest relief. I finally realized that I wasnt crazy or was a weird human, I had just developed this ilness due to my upbringing. Now, I take medicine and the relief in my brain from endless thoughts and constant stress is the best gift I have had in my life. I go to theraphy once a week and I have a good friend I can speak to sincerely whenever… Read more »

Be the change you wish to see...
January 15, 2021 12:00 am

…it starts with you. If we want our community to treat psychiatric illness as we do physical illness, we need to talk about it and raise awareness. This won’t happen miraculously on its own – we must make it happen. And as far as shidduchim, we all agree that the system as it is currently is less than perfect – it will only continue to devolve if something doesn’t give. I would say if you want a better shidduch system with marriages that last, we all need to be as open as possible within reason. The same way we would… Read more »

Pain, loneliness, anxiety/depression, mental healt
January 16, 2021 8:06 pm

There is not one person that covid hasn’t affected in some way. And SO MANY have struggled and are continuing in struggling with intense pain, loneliness, anxiety or depression. It’s unfortunately so common now. And as a community we need to be able to reach out to others to get support and to share/give support to one another. We are all in this together, and the more you can get the help and speak about it, the more you will have the support to get through it. Sending hugs