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My Brush With Shmutz on the Web

From the COLlive inbox: I have tried to kick it countless times, but fell back into it again and again all through my 20s. Full Story

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Amazing Dialogue
February 9, 2012 10:11 pm

My name is Philip Rosenthal. Some of you know me. Some of you may have seen or heard one of my presentations. SOme of you might have even been to me for counseling. While there have been numerous opinions posted here regarding various dayos of how this problem should be handled, the one thing that is paramount in all of this is the following: Nobody, and I mean nobody, can work their way through major life issues alone. It is simply easier for two people to carry a heavy object than one person alone. I have spent the past years… Read more »

February 2, 2012 8:21 pm

You are mixing up “addictions” and urges. Everyone has urdes. Most stumble a few times and pick themsleves up. A few become ‘addicted’ and have a daily struggle which they lose. If you can never win the struggle then that is a problem. If you sometimes win and sometimes lose then you are probably not ‘addicted’ – but you are at risk of becomeing adicted. Its not black and white.

In one point you are right; most people don’t realise how prevelant it is.

I'm #85
February 2, 2012 3:47 pm

To all the married women who are suffering from this: is this something that your husbands developed after being married for a period of time, or did it begin before marriage and continued unabated through your marriage? Like I said before, and #s 90 and 91 agree from experience, the author’s issue could stem from something completely different than yours. Accordingly, the solution can be very different from what you are advocating. I think it’s imperative to not lump the two together.

Clean and free for 23 years, and haven't been tempted in 18...
February 2, 2012 11:02 am

If you feel yourself making headway – even for a few months – you might want to try to see what it is like to view yourself now as “someone who does not have these struggles”. Try it. Try it for a day or even for a few hours. See what it feels like. Try to “step out of yourself” and view yourself as you visualize the new you. The mind is a very powerful tool. The key to becoming healthy is “healthy thinking”. Good luck!

To 68
February 2, 2012 10:24 am

Guard your eyes has a great support forum for spouses of addicts. Please join us, even if your husband isn’t ready to stop yet. And as a wife of a very chassidishe healing addict, and a mother of teens, trust me, col is not too public. My younger kids cant even go on col, so i have no explaining to do, and if youre kids can read col, they most certainly can read other sites…there is no such thing as too chassidishe. Older kids should be spoken too clearly, and if someone would have done the same for my husband,… Read more »

February 2, 2012 2:12 am

your a human being, and thats how g-d created us. we have these addictiions, and we cant do anything about the fact that we have it. its totally natural and if you didnt have these kind of weaknesses i would be slighty worried… what we can do is try to solve it. all the nasty insensitive comments here are proberly from crownheights people who have this problem even worse than you, and are too scared to admit it, so they put up their defence!! it hurts me that all these CH parents and kids are sooooo naive about this subject!!!!… Read more »

To #90
February 2, 2012 12:09 am

Your comment struck home the most & is living proof that no program, assistance, therapy, or any other remedy compares to taking yourself in hand and practicing & puttin to work your own built-in willpower. Your scenario sounds very familiar [me more then a dozen years ago] It’s quite obvious that you are generally a serious person & want to help yourself which is an absolute per-requisite in this type of addiction. I am nearly 10 years older then you & can give you a glimpse into the future….. Defeat this addiction entirely, now, while your in the middle of… Read more »

RE: #53
February 1, 2012 11:56 pm

The Rebbe said the same to me (and others of my age/kitah) in Yechidus. There was this stuff before the Internet too. And we weren’t encouraged to get married at 18. Most men are not emotionally mature enough to marry at 18.

Rabonnim: Time to lead
February 1, 2012 11:41 pm

I wonder how many men who use internet often can honestly say that this has never been a nisayon? How many? Raise your hands. Granted it may not develop into an “addiction” but it will still be a nisayon from time to time. Its time for Rabbonim to demand on the community mandatory filters. Schools should enforce mandatory filters as a pre-condition of accepting a child in school. The filters are not only needed for the kids….. I often wonder how many of the next generation will stay frum since the internet came along. As soon as a kid comes… Read more »

another one
February 1, 2012 11:22 pm

I’m yet another one whose marriage greatly suffered from this “illness”. Do NOT get married until this is sorted out or unless you want to tell your kallah upfront that you will have major problems staying faithful, so that she’s not completely devestated when she catches you. Because you will be caught and it won’t be pretty. The longer it takes for your wife to catch you, the UGLIER it will be. You metioned you’re getting help? Good. get help and more help and once you are strong enough to stay right off the web and not to let these… Read more »

Totally Agree to #93
February 1, 2012 9:40 pm

I have stumbled accross it simply because of ignorance. Then after doing it many times I realized it was wrong, and stopped. It took me abit of time, but got over it. I havn’t looked for 2 yrs. Now I’m even more carefull with Shiras Honayim than before. There is definitely different levels in this issue. There can be severs addicts who cannot go a day without this battle, and there can be guys who wil onlt be tempted if they are having a extremely hard day, and even then they could fight it. Its totally normal to have taavos,… Read more »

to 68, 88, and 89
February 1, 2012 9:30 pm

I feel so terrible for you to be wives of addicts! It is soooo painful for a woman to have to live with- I always wonder- is this a marriage worth working on? some men are so not interested in helping themselves…where is it going??

Being Helped
February 1, 2012 9:26 pm

As a bochur who is also going through this, I was put in touch with an understanding, smart, sincere counselor. Right here in the shchuna. There is help available. Ask around for his name. I do not want to give away any details that will give away my identity.

February 1, 2012 9:17 pm

YIDDEN! you are all thinking about this in a wrong way-b’ derech mussar. The eibershter gave us taavos for shtus and we have to turn it to kedusha. So no need to panic! i have the solution for those of you who unfortuantely suffer from taavos for shumitz on the internet. WATCH JEWISH MEDIA. I would greatly reccomend to you AGENT EMES. It is exciting and spiritually inspiring! this worked amazingly for many teens who i have helped who had “media cravings” and i hope it will work well for you too! Hatzlacha Rabba! and remember- Dont fall into the… Read more »

February 1, 2012 8:39 pm

I’m wondering if this golden bochur has a past experience or knows about the dangers from friends affected. This is B”H not a nisayon for me & reading Torah articles & using the internet for business has not affected me negatively. I wonder what made him so afraid, even though there is what to fear…just saying.

Men need Filters. But too embarrsed to install.
February 1, 2012 7:14 pm

The real issue is *most* men need a filter for themselves and a password that someone else keeps. But most men are too embarrassed to put one on for themselves as it will only lead to questions from the wife etc. If filters were mandatory buy the Rabbonim then a man wouldn’t feel ashamed to explain to his wife (or someone else) that a he needs help to set up a filter and password. Its time Rabbonim made it mandatory that all houses with internet need a filter without exception. That way no man will have an excuse as to… Read more »

February 1, 2012 7:07 pm

I think you have a point. There is a difference between an addict and the average male. The average male will stumble in this every so often if they internet with no filter. To say it will inevitably destroy the marriage is ignoring the fact that probably most males stumble in this. But if there is an addiction – meaning more than x times a week – then you are right and an addiction expert is needed. But if its the occasional temptation then it’s as Tanya explains – don’t get b’atzvus – don’t believe you are a tzadik that… Read more »

a bochur
February 1, 2012 6:44 pm

Parenst don’t know that whhat is going on. If there is internett in the house then there is shumtz. Parents beleive that their bochur would never do such a thing. They are very neive. This is a problem and the schools and parents are not understanding the facts and how pervasive this problem is.

to #85
February 1, 2012 6:29 pm

Very, very wise words indeed.

True, from personal experience.

Formerly Addicted
February 1, 2012 6:27 pm

This article sums up my experience exactly. I could have written it. I was a typical Chabad bochur, I learn Chitas, daven with a minyan, don’t touch my beard. It all started when I was 15, now I’m 30. I pushed off getting married for years while I pursued all sorts of remedies: 12-step programs, psychiatrists, mashpiim, homeopathic solutions, you name it. Nothing helped. The problem kept rising it’s ugly heard. I finally decided to get married anyway. And BH, just by getting married, the problem was solved 90%. I still struggle and once in a while I’ll really take… Read more »

My husband is an addict
February 1, 2012 6:08 pm

For those of you that say talk this over with a mashpia and get married it helps – You are wrong! you obviously have No Idea what it means to be addicted. Addiction is something that grows with time, it doesn’t get better. Marriage absolutely doesn’t help cuz all addict wants is more and better from wherever and whenever. A Mashpia is not the one to talk to about this issue not even a regular therapist, there are therapists who specialize in this addiction and those are the only ones that could help ALONG with going to the 12 steps… Read more »

personal experience
February 1, 2012 4:38 pm

I am married to an addict and let me tell you it is gehenam on earth. Stop fooling yourself and take stock of you life and situation. Hashem has no bearing unless you want to change. Not for your future wife, not for your future children but because YOU want to,.

To all who question if this should be on col
February 1, 2012 4:30 pm

Chances are your loved ones have already fallen for some of this stuff. Maybe COL should get an expert on which filter is best to use, and mashpiim should demand that all households that have internet should have a mandatory filter. Kids grow up fast. They are curious a lot earlier then most realise. Filters should be mandatory. Instead of complaining that this type of article is on col as kids have access to col – THE VERY SAME KIDS have access to the shmutz, and don’t be naive that they haven’t figured out what it is by now. you… Read more »

February 1, 2012 4:20 pm

i was dealing with this problem and there is a Chabad guy Druin in Miami who was very helpful. It is a constant battle, but one that can be won. his number is 305.741.5270. he is very professional and confidential.

Fellow Bochur
February 1, 2012 3:55 pm

I think getting married could help. To those that say it ruins marriages: I think there’s a difference between someone who has this issue and then gets married, and someone who is married and then develops the issue. Someone who develops this after they are married shows that they already have issues in their marriage and this is just a manifestation of those problems. I doubt a guy will be very happily married and just develop this out of the blue and it will be the sole cause of divorce. My point being, if the author gets married and keeps… Read more »

It should be ossur for any yeshiva bachur to have web access
February 1, 2012 3:48 pm

Very good that you posted this article it was probably as a service to the community to know the harm of the web. I hope the Hanhalo of all the yeshivas look at the cry of a youngster and there are probably many like you and make appropriate decisions. As a parent if a computer is neccesary at the home because of homework ???(I am told bais rivka girls need web access to do their homework — What a shande) Make sure Parental controls are on. In Oholey Torah or lubavitcher yeshivos all Wi or similair garbage should be forbidden… Read more »

To number 28
February 1, 2012 2:37 pm

I agree with your concern about de-sensitizing.

It is very valid. We live in a very de-sensitized era thanks to the internet, and that has done NO ONE any good at all.

However, I believe that most people suffering from this WILL NOT seek help from a professional unless public forums make them aware that their problem is treatable and encourages them to seek the proper help.

It takes an enormous amount of courage to acknowledge these kinds of problems to another person.

Moshiach NOW!

Some people get it right
February 1, 2012 1:54 pm

As is with all of life, we fall in to different brackets. I cant speak for married people, but us singles generally are looking to fill in the plug of a healthy appetite and emotional and otherwise desires. This self justification is the norm in the single world, Im candid because I have frankly discussed this with other singles and this is what it is. Now, some may be addicted, as one commenter noted, if you can get your self off for a week, your cheshek and natural fire to G-d will clear a long way and you can overcome.… Read more »

a bochur to ALL PERENTS
February 1, 2012 12:58 pm

if u bring internet into ur house thats what is going to hapen theres no 2 ways about it its time the the perents stop think that there son is perfect there are guys which look all chasidish and are going through this they should wake up and smell the coffe you bring internet in ur house ur going to have ur kis on this stuff. dont say thay could use the internet any where thay go because ur giving it to them when ever thay want it and ur making it more comfterbel for them. its time perents realize… Read more »

A Baal Teshuva Tomim
February 1, 2012 12:53 pm

I do believe wholeheartedly that this is the test that I among most men struggle with. I come from a background where life IS about the chitzonius and guys are constantly running after whatever they want. Almost everyone i knew was using shmutz. Now take a bochur, just by virtue of the fact that he is a man he faces the same taavos just somewhat on a lighter scale. the point I’m trying to make is that this is a problem everyone faces to a degree, just to keep personal kedusha. And i can vouge for the fact that when… Read more »

Different Generation
February 1, 2012 12:20 pm

The yetzer hara has always been around, but the ability to indulge it freely, privately, and excessively has never been available to us to this extent before. This is a new challenge, much more serious and pervasive than any in the past. It is critical that we find solutions (as a community, as parents, as a nation). Regarding the fear of discussing it with teens… any child who has EVER accessed the internet needs to be warned that there websites that are very very bad for our neshamas, and we need to guard our eyes and avoid contact in order… Read more »

#75 and other similar comments
February 1, 2012 12:12 pm

Where is your ahavas Yisroel?? If some of these comments will give the writer and many others who are suffering some strength and nechama; it is well worth it!!!! Young children reach this stage too soon as well.

Macshavos Zaros around for a long time
February 1, 2012 11:54 am

To keep it simple: We know from chassidus that we have a nefesh habehamis as well as a nefesh elokis. We know what the nefesh habehamis wants. Machshavos zaros today will be translated to a click of a button. SO as has always been; we do our best, we will fall and keep trying to pick ourselves up again. The main thing is not to beat ourselves up,keep trying our best, be bisimcha and always try to move forward. As the old chassisisher saying goes: “Worse than the avaira is the atzvus that could come from the avaira” Hashem loves… Read more »

Us girls too...
February 1, 2012 11:34 am

although its different, since men seek physical and woman seek emotional (mainly) its never an addiction for girls but more of a curiosity. As a single girl in the dating scene, i would feel very uncomfortable dating a guy i knew had this problem, makes us feel inadequate, useless and horrible and more…. As it has been written in above comments, this is an addiction. Something you know is wrong to yourself and to those close to you but still do it, its hard hard hard work to break away from this and i feel only professional help and strong… Read more »

Where is the line?!?!?
February 1, 2012 11:16 am

This crosses the line, you have an issue? that’s very unfortunate but this web site is not only for guys between the age of 22 and 30 its for everyone that has access to a computer including woman and children.

to #62 "mother of children"
February 1, 2012 11:10 am

Seriously? you live in la la land!

Check your browser history (do you even know what that is?) and you’ll find that someone in your household already “investigated”

My friend is getting divorced because of this
February 1, 2012 10:40 am

YES it does ruin marriage

February 1, 2012 10:24 am

any advice on how you would know if a close one is addicted to shmutz?

Sorry you are not "alone" at this
February 1, 2012 10:17 am

I am a counselor in Los Angeles, California, Dennis Brown, and I have been working with individuals in our community for years. There are more than we can imagine. There are no magic wnads but it can be dealt with. I am here for anyone who needs to talk. There is so much to say but this is not the area to do it.

I am with The NESS Counseling Center,Inc. [email protected]

it does NOT go away with marriage
February 1, 2012 10:06 am

take care of it BEFORE you get married!!!!!
If you are addicted to anything-
drugs, alchohol, internet, shmutz images/videos then you owe it to yourself and any potential soulmate to nip it in the bud NOW. Be honest!!!! Do not get married until you take care of it. Either way, if you are an addict and do go out anyways, make sure the other person knows.

February 1, 2012 9:58 am

You can use OpenDNS (for free) on your router to filter whatever you want for any computer, ipad, ipod etc. That uses your internet connection…
Highly recommended (just make sure to change the default password on your router!)

i am married to an internet addict
February 1, 2012 9:49 am

we think…we can go to shuirm and leave our husbands to watch the kids…i did that and i should have stayed home…once a chassidishe, modern or anyone is exposed to the shmutz, its over. the rebbe always encouraged listening to chassidishe niggunim and that goyishe music affects the neshama….the internet has taken my chassidishe husband and turned him into???? he has an iphone etc and cant put it down/…for what???????? such garbage!

even eszer 1.3
February 1, 2012 9:35 am

שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן א
סעיף ג
מצוה על כל אדם שישא אשה בן י”ח, והמקדים לישא בן י”ג, מצוה מן המובחר

to all good parents
February 1, 2012 9:00 am

make sure to buy your kids 4g network with a data plan and internet! excellent idea!!!!
signed: unspoiled teenager

all starts
February 1, 2012 8:54 am

it all starts with the problem that children dont understand pereush teffilah. Every morning we say shaema and we tell Hashem that we love him and well serve Hahsem with our heart and soul etc. ppl have to remember that after 120 years our body is nothing, it is only the neshama that we have to feed all day long by doing mitzvoth tehillim davening etc. If we all make a din vecheshboin every night before going to sleep and saying krias shema what did i do today? and if Hashem doesn’t give me back my neshama what did i… Read more »

February 1, 2012 8:47 am

unfortunately there are married men that are doing this……….. it will KILL their marriages. They need to get help!!!!!!!!!!
they should just know that its killing their wives to have to deal it with!!!!!!!!!!!

im a 20 year old bochur
February 1, 2012 7:53 am

thanx for writing this article its an issue that ive been dealing with for a good few years already thanx for the encouragement and when all other girls and boys and especially all those “oldrer married people” come out of their bouble and realize whats going on around them whether themselves friends or their children they will be happy that this article was put up and might finally realize its time to deal with the situation and yes there are mashpi’im a small select few that will and i know this because i have discuss and help bochurim through such… Read more »

mother of children
February 1, 2012 7:36 am

i do not believe that this kind of article belongs on col, as whether we as parents like to admit it or not, our children read this site, and it is definitely not an “age appropriate” article. not everyones issues needs to be aired for all to see. and to #52, you really believe when you open the pandoras box and tell kids what shmutz really is they wont go to “investigate” what it is? Seriously.

To all the haters:
February 1, 2012 7:05 am

You don’t have any problem with all the Loshon Horo that’s posted on the web. All of a sudden,when someone brings up an issue which needs to be addressed(pikuach nefesh!),you get nervous because it makes you feel uncomfortable!

thanks to COl and to the anonymous writer
February 1, 2012 7:03 am

This is a huge problem and can really ruin people for a normal life.

Golden Bocur's Mom
February 1, 2012 6:59 am

You see, allyou guys just don’t get it – my 23 yr old simply amazing over-the-top guy will NEVER so much as glance at even the most Chassidishe awe inspiring articles out there & even on Shlichus overseas where the temptation is even greater to glance at COL just to see what’s cookin at home in Crown Heights – my son absolutely, unequivacially refuses to look online even to the madrega where I sometimes beg him to check out certain articles/picts relevant to our ownfamily just sohe might even shepp nachas – my son REFUSES! Point is remove all temptation… Read more »

To the author...
February 1, 2012 5:55 am

Get in touch with #25.

Shvisi Hashem L'Negdi Tomid
February 1, 2012 4:05 am

If you follow the concept of “Hashem is watching every move you make ” you will not have any temptation to sin.
For Every sin there is a big price, you will pay up for each and every sin If you do not like to pay u,p then stay clean Park on the right side of the street you will not get a ticket..

i would write my name
February 1, 2012 3:14 am

Get busy, keep your mind occupied with positive issues. I am sure the smutz occurs more frequent at night. Calculate when it occurs, keep ur mind focused, its a challenge that you can win every day, u r a benini of tanya,win the war every day, every night, use tactical weapons against your attacker he is weaker than ur good side. I love to win! I feel great that i am clean for a period of time. The yetzer hora is with us till the last minute and it is an opportunity to beat him every time. You won already… Read more »

A good way to look at it
February 1, 2012 2:40 am

All I can say is, G-d gifted you with the addiction, to grow to an amazing person, You must have very big Chochos.
G-d trusts you, that you can overcome it.

Untill The 2nd Beis Hamikdosh, Avodas Zoroh was “the” Nisoyon.

Our generation’s Nesoyon is – Tznius, Shmiras Hoanayim etc

Its time Mashpi’im faced up to it. ( they’re probably facing the same issues)

If you join guard your eyes, you’ll see how many people that are “very respected” in the community or are big Lamdonim are facing this issue.

Time to WAKE UP. We’re in 2012!!


to #47
February 1, 2012 2:23 am

im not sure what kind of bubble you live in, but today, (this is 2012, not 1950. i feel like that point should be made clear to you,) a person cant live a proper life without the internet. and its not as if a 23 year old guy is going to have someone around him every time he does go on the web. the internet is an amazing and powerful tool that does an unspeakable amount of good for yiddishkeit. yes, there is a bad side to it as well, as there is to everything. yes, its quite abundant, but… Read more »

hesech hadass
February 1, 2012 2:20 am

The Rebbe said hadaas. I’m not competent to say what that means but I think it means at least don’t beat yourself over it. That is pure atzas hayetzer to get a yid done so he can’t chas vsholem be the stronger of the two kings . But of course every yid has at all times the ability to get out of atzvas as explained there in Tanya.
hesech hadass perhaps means don’t ruminate about it.

to #38
February 1, 2012 2:01 am

this is definitely the place to discuss something like this because if your child is on one website he can easily be on another

and if children will go ask their parents what “shmutz” is – that will be great opportunity for the parents to speak to them about the dangers of temptation

oh, and if you think the children don’t know what “shmutz” is you are living in la la land

He is right
February 1, 2012 1:25 am

And many of us face this issue on one level or another, particularly because many of us are unmarried later on in life (mid to late twenty’s)

do not believe that you are TOO GREAT TO SIN
February 1, 2012 1:23 am

The Alter Rebbe teaches in tanya that, we must never be complacent and think that we have gotten rid of our yeitzer horah. because it can be awakened at any moment. so we must do our utmost to make sure that we never come CLOSE to a test of our g-dly morals, its a life-long battle, that challenges us to reach greater holiness when we subdue the darkness of our hearts, this is our way of service that reviles within us our g-dly soul and gives hashem nachachs. learn tanya, BTW i heard some mussar classes on the subject and… Read more »

February 1, 2012 1:05 am

I respect this article A LOT! Good job bringing this into the public. it must be hard, even as anonymous. THank you!

comment 28
February 1, 2012 12:53 am

This is indeed the Rebbe’s approach to all matters intimacy?

“appropriate Intimacy” is the highest level of Kedusha & must be treated with utmost reverence & sanctity, discussed with young people under for eyes, not in casual conversation in a class room setting with multiple people

but necessarily under 4 eyes,


February 1, 2012 12:52 am

eating + eating + eating = Fat
walking in the street without looking = an accident
talking without thinking = looking stupid

going on the internet alone = shmutz!

want to be thin? don’t eat too much.

want to stay safe? watch where you walk.

want to look smart? think before talking.

want to stay “clean”? stay off the net….

otherwise…… all the phych in the orl won’t to a darn thing…

TEACHERS: the Rebbe Demanded ....
February 1, 2012 12:49 am


the Rebbe Demanded (in igros kodesh) that:

michanchim and educators must ( in the appropriate time and way ) speak to bochurim about shmiras habriss.. (way before any internet)

i for one, have spoken to my teen students and they continue thank me for being the only one in their life that has spoken to them. it must be spoken about in a realistic modest tznius way.

omg gross
February 1, 2012 12:48 am

i dont want to hear this!!

February 1, 2012 12:43 am

I think this article while it actually happens.. it a fake article but one to draw attention to the ad.. sneakily added into the end of the article.!

Not your fault
February 1, 2012 12:43 am

I can’t understand how anybody could possibly believe that any mashgiach or mashpia would be able to handle this issue. The schools and yeshivas are in a system of total denial. Thet can’t even deal with a bochor watching a video let alone Shmutz on the Internet. The only thing I could suggest to the yeshivas and to the mashpias is to explain to each bochur. A. That it’s normal to have desires. B. How to keep your mind over heart. NOT that it wrong or something is wrong with the bochur. C. Most important Teach each bochur the meaning… Read more »

dont think
February 1, 2012 12:43 am

when you think about what you done after the fact —its the yetzer horor trying to get you to think about it. what helpes for me is to not think about it untill 1 week latter,,at all. if i want to dwell on it i will in 1 week, this keeps your mind off it. also try 90 days, if you can do 90 days you will see miricals after

to 23
February 1, 2012 12:35 am

It is truly tragic that your marriage was ruined. I Was it that the one addicted did not go for help for this specific problem? From all these comments it sounds like it is easy to find the appropriate therapist. were you guided or did you try tackling it on your own. Sometimes we run to a marriage counselor as opposed to therapy for a specific behaviorial problem. I hope you find true happiness!

Classic. Head-in-the-sand Vs. honest commenters
February 1, 2012 12:24 am

This problem is HUGE and WIDESPREAD across the ENTIRE spectrum of the frum world. This problem affects bochurim and girls as well as married men and women. Let me restate that: this problem is RAMPANT among MARRIED MEN and WOMEN. There are those that are addicted and those that are not, but the issue needs to be discussed and brought out from under the rug. The sooner the issue is brought out, the more lives will be saved. To all the commenters who think this issue needs to remain taboo on public forums, I suggest you update your clock to… Read more »

Girls too
February 1, 2012 12:18 am

Girls face the same temptations – though perhaps not as strongly. I started viewing the stuff in middle school (dial-up, slow computer, no sound), and now in my mid-20s I still come back to it a few times a week. I commend you for getting help. I wish I could.

This is extremely important
February 1, 2012 12:14 am

However, col is definitely NOT the place to be discussing something like this. With the curiosity of today’s day in age, parents are gonna be asked to explain what this ‘shmutz’ is about.. Just earlier u posted an article from the online school with a commenting.. You know they read the articles and comments. Is this what u want to educate ur children with? There’s a time and place for everything.. It should be felt privately.

post #33 correct!
February 1, 2012 12:13 am


Go get married
February 1, 2012 12:06 am

and for the sake of keeping the spark alive & fresh in your marriage you better get your eyes under your control or your slaughtering RL your own intimacy in your own marriage for the rest of your life!

Halachos of tznius, Tahara, and Shmiras einayim are the Best kept secrets of having the most passion, vechulhu in a marriage,

Judaism works!

#24 is the best comment i read!
January 31, 2012 11:57 pm

no i didnt right it lol

January 31, 2012 11:43 pm

I commend you for talking so openly. Thank you so much for your honesty in facing your issues… and your responsibility to not get married while going through this.

Please realize that ITS AN ESCAPE!! an intense escape!
January 31, 2012 11:33 pm

you must explore with a professional, what pain, what anguish are you too afraid to tackle head on? what problems in your life have you desperately seeking a respite? what monsters are you suppressing??

an unstoppable compulsion is a clear indication of much deeper internal pain that is compelling this powerful mental distraction, to temporarily numb the unresolved pain
as with alcohol, this “escape” only deepens the unresolved problems

your happily married friends
January 31, 2012 11:28 pm

don’t be so na?ve…
I’m not saying that its OK, but understand you are a male, and you have some NATURAL desires. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER.


You're not alone
January 31, 2012 11:24 pm

This was very well written. It’s nice to see someone finally speak out about this instead of shoving it under the rug like everyone else. I know so many people that have struggled with this problem for years and still do not have a way out because no one is willing to lend an ear and listen. Bravo to you, and good luck with everything

This should be taken down!
January 31, 2012 11:12 pm

Rachmana litzlan, the guardyoureyes site is nothing but bad. My friends, I plead with you not to visit that site! If you chas vesholom have a problem you should confide in your rav. You should also cancel your internet and stay away from it. An alcoholic is ok if he doesn’t start drinking. Just don’t start! If the problem is the net the answer isn’t going to be found on the net. This should not be discussed in emails, it will lead to the same problems. Only Hashem and a real rebbe with yiras H” and tefillo can get you… Read more »

January 31, 2012 11:08 pm

i remember that a mashpia told my friend to learn kutres avoido rashab.

Its ok for the Topic to remain Tabboo for public settings
January 31, 2012 10:54 pm

Its ok & desirable to maintain a shame & discomfort to talk openly & publicly on such matters HOWEVER, it is very NOT OK, to keep this subject taboo from being spoken about one-on-one privately with an appropriate caring competent Mentor (Mashpia) Counselor All subjects of intimacy, must retain their appropreate sensitivity & privacy, especially perverse behaviours, by un-taboo-ing the topic into public forum, one sends a unintended subliminal message, that somehow this is not soo sever a perversions, it lends a desensitizing affect to the gravity of the subject matter, if someone has a embarrassing unwanted Attraction to something… Read more »

January 31, 2012 10:49 pm

thanx for sharing! im sure this will help others

You are a warrior!
January 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Chapter 27 of Tanya was written for you, me and all the other strugglers. The issur of “vlo sasuro” was not meant for tzaddikim to call them those who stray, but for US! And when we wage this battle we are fulfilling this mitzvah and making Hashem so very proud! Especially in this dor when it seems He’s given the Satan full reign to cause stumbling in this area R”L. Thank you for being open about your struggle to encourage others and thank you COLLIVE for publishing this! The timing couldn’t be better, because we are in the weeks of… Read more »

Looking to help...
January 31, 2012 10:35 pm

If anyone’s seeking expert help in this area and wishes to remain anonymous, please feel free to contact me at [email protected]. I’m usually available during most hours of the day.

Symptom of deeper unresolved issues!
January 31, 2012 10:34 pm

Before viewing this problem as an acute Moral or Self discipline problem, know this… There is a huge difference between a Temptation (aka Taava) which can be controlled, vs Compulsion (an irresistible urge aka An Addiction) one is healthy, natural & a sign that your normal (emotionally-well-adjusted) the other is unhealthy unnatural & a sign that your not-normal (emotionally-not-well-adjusted – mentally-unbalanced) in need of professional intervention!! ADDICTIONS (irresistible compulsions) are by definition a sign of deeper problems needs not being met, Depression, Sleep deprivation, Relationship problems, Abusive environments etc etc… The happier a man is with him self, his family… Read more »

Mrs. ??!
January 31, 2012 10:34 pm

I’m glad you published this as my marriage was ruined due to this issue. May Hashem continue guiding you as you deal responsibly with your problem.

How I Protect Myself
January 31, 2012 10:33 pm

I installed http://www.bsecure.com. Yes, it costs money. However, it is like buying off your Yetzer Hara. There is a password. Only my secretary knows what it is. It is also installed on my home computer. End of story.

At this point, there is nothing I can possibly get into that a Jew should not see. I HIGHLY recommend it. I mean it! Take out your credit card, have your wife or a trusted person input the password and you are free of the yoke.

January 31, 2012 10:21 pm

Brave of you to bring it up.
Yeshiva’s should start dealing with the real issues and stop living in “Atzilus”
Parents should educate their Children and stop being so “chassidish”

Ben Shmona Esrei L'Chuppah
January 31, 2012 10:06 pm

Chazal have already told us to get married at 18, the more we delay this, the more problems we bring upon ourselves. Problems may manifest themselves in the manner that this gentleman is having, or in many other ways. Look at the debacle at Stern over a month ago, these problems will be forever present and persistent. Simply having full control of this desire is almost entirely impossible from 18-23. Additionally, Chazal have warned us (Sanhedrin 107b) not to entirely push away this desire. Young adults have hormones and feelings that need to be channeled to the correct “outlet.” To… Read more »

January 31, 2012 9:56 pm

the loving rabbis and shluchim in Bais Menachem of Wilkes-Barre def have a more enlightened view and can and do help. they are one of a kind!

Over Seven Years !
January 31, 2012 9:56 pm

I struggled with this problem for seven long years. BH, I have overcome this illness, firstly with Seyata Dishmaya, and a strong determination to stop. Anyone else struggling out there, know that you not alone and there is help available, but you need to make the first move – a strong will to stop.
And when you do you’ll much better about yourself. It will save your Neshama, your marriage and family-life.

I hope youu are speaking to a Mashpia
January 31, 2012 9:53 pm

Which expert told you that getting married will only “make the problem worse?” Of course you have to work on yourself. Of course you have to do everything to get over it. But who said that you must become 100% abstinent before marriage? Do we also say that all bochurim must be 100% abstinent of chatas neurim before they can contemplate marriage? On the contrary. Marriage helps get over chatas neurim. Have you spoken to a mashpia about delaying marriage? Of course we have to work to prevent bochurim from falling into the same trap. Banning cell phones for teenagers… Read more »

January 31, 2012 9:45 pm

Dear 23 yr. old bochur,
Thank you for mustering up the courage to write this article. Thank you again for sending in to collive.
Thank you col for posting this.
As a person who could have written a large part of this article on my own I must tell you just one thing.
No matter what you do and no matter how you feel about it you are very beloved and very deserving of all the special things in life.
Look at yourself through the eyes of the rebbe.

January 31, 2012 9:42 pm

This is an amazing act of courage. I fell into this terrible thing at age 13, but i found guardyoureyes.com
Shmiras Habris should be an OPEN Topic at ANY Yeshiva, and we should look up to Breslev in that regard, they are some of the Holiest Yidden and theres no reason we can’t be too.

My first 'shmutz' was on yeshivas computer!
January 31, 2012 9:37 pm

The very first time I viewed ‘shmutz’ was on a computer in my mesivta. I broke in to the office for other reasons and while I was there did my email… 1 thing led to another and… It is the responsibility of every computer owner to have a filter on there computer. K9 is free and EZ to set up. It will not slow down your computer and is very powerful. Do you have a computer in your home? In your school or yeshivah? How about a iPod touch or iPhone Get K9 web protection to block the bad stuff.… Read more »

this topic has been up before
January 31, 2012 9:33 pm

Yes, it’s a problem but this bochur needs to GET OFF THE INTERNET, like an alcoholic needs to stop drinking completely. Get professional therapy, young man.

good for you
January 31, 2012 9:26 pm

Kudos for seeking help, you may be able to find a NA near Brooklyn, as support groups for this really help. You may want to figure out with your therapist if its an addiction or substitute/borderline addiction. fyi- you are not the only one and here is the shocker for you, its not just guys its girls as well. We live in a society where ”shmutz” is right in front of our face starting at a young age, however its the brave and bold adults that are willing to be open with their child or student and help them realize… Read more »

January 31, 2012 9:26 pm

i do not agree that marriage would make things worse. Why? A married man has extra protetion from Above and in the merit of his wife he finds much goodness and help for everything. Marriage can only be helpful for such situations. Together with a wife, a man can overcome much more.

hmmm interesting.
January 31, 2012 9:26 pm

At first people go to shmutz on the net because they are curious and have never been there.

After that people go to shmutz on the net because they have been there. and they have a feeling of entitlement.

Then people go to shmutz on the net because they are addicted and can’t get away from it. and they convince themselves that its not really such a big aveira.

Hashem yishmor.

yasher koach
January 31, 2012 9:24 pm

Yasher koach to you for seeking help. You should just know you are not alone. There are so many people out there suffering from this and feel as though they have no one to turn to. It was great that you gave a site where people could get help, as well as an email address to contact you directly. Maybe it would be helpful for you to give the names of some therapists that people can contact directly. Either way, good for you for finally taking control over your addiction!

big problem
January 31, 2012 9:19 pm

This is a huge issue and problem our youth girl and boys are facing. Yet boys even more. It is time that people like Yossi Jacobson stop all they are doing and help the bochrim have honest and open farbrengens of practical topics and challenges beyond atzilus concepts. many guys are in this problem only to carry this with them in marriage, how sad. maybe there can be lectures on line, farbrengens…to help the boys from 13 and on to stay strong with a generation of the internet everywhere.

glad you brought this up
January 31, 2012 9:14 pm

glad to see Col putting on articles of growth, not sensation, opportunities for our youth to be able to learn and grow from. this is a tough generation of temptations and we need all the help from the adults to guide us and be supportive at the same time.

twelve steps programs phenomenal
January 31, 2012 9:13 pm

There are many support groups for this problem.So smart to resolve this issue as a bachur.Marriage doesn’t cure this….

I Agree!
January 31, 2012 9:10 pm

wow its about time someone brought this up. i deffinitely agree. I also think that there are other topics which are not discussed opendly in schools, and must be. when these things are ignored, people have a much more difficult time taking care of this later on in life.

from a married man
January 31, 2012 9:03 pm

i can tell you only my personal exp. i too visited shmutz on the net from time to time as bochur. i was not “addicted” . it was many years ago in the days of dial up and im sure things have changed…i had limited access to a computer that was old and slow… it was not a daily desire. it was not that accessible. I can tell you when I got married the desire went away. the desire I felt as a bochur was fulfilled in the right way in my marriage and in a holy way as well.… Read more »

Vnishmartem es nafshosachem
January 31, 2012 9:02 pm

As much as one feels for those with yiras shomayim problems, this is not the place or forum to discuss it..
Col is a family orientated news service and a such subjects such as these need to be aired and discussed privately elsewhere face to face with mashpiam and psychology experts or through counselling. The reasons should be obvious to anyone and one cannot elaborate here.

Otherwise where would col draw the line for public debate…Al tiftach el a soton
V’lifnei iver lo sitain michshol………………

V’dai lemavin….

Well done
January 31, 2012 9:02 pm

Unfortunately, this problem is bigger than we’d like to acknowledge.
This post was eidle and sensitive yet very honest. Well done to you for getting the help you need and retaining your focus on your long term goals and well done for bringing this to light in the hopes of helping others.
May you merit abundant strength to overcome this test and be granted a happy and holy marriage very soon!

Applies to most people.
January 31, 2012 8:56 pm