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Tuesday, 20 Tammuz, 5779
  |  July 23, 2019

    Marriage Advice For Our Kids

    A group of concerned parents say marriageable girls and bochurim are not educated enough about the responsibilities and obligations of married life and are planning to do something about it. Full Story

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    wow
    Guest
    wow

    this is by far the best thing I’ve seen in a long time. Thank you in advance for helping and saving many future marrages

    such an organization must be run by professionals
    Guest
    such an organization must be run by professionals

    it should not be based on surveys
    read rabbi twerski’s books on marriage
    if you can follow his advice you are ready for marriage
    his books are AMAZING
    and if you are finding it very difficult you should get professional help

    only by professionals
    Guest
    only by professionals

    every lubavitcher should have a mashpia
    this is not a new idea!
    and such classes should not be given as general courses
    usually what works in one marriage may not work in another
    it is not always conducive for couple’s to be exposed to other people’s marriages
    it can lead to self doubts and other things

    Great Idea!
    Guest
    Great Idea!

    Put it on the internet where everybody can see it without being uncomfortable. Many people need advice, even those who are married, but don’t want to admit it or are concerned about privacy, but if it’s online everybody can join. You can make a forum as well so that people can ask question or give their opinions/Ideas. Also if you put it on YouTube you can pay experienced educators to give a class either to an audience or just a camera and anybody can come watch the class. I’ve heard many people talk about this idea before so there are… Read more »

    Lets take it one step at a time
    Guest
    Lets take it one step at a time

    first worry about getting you kids married…… and then worry about marriage advice

    kol hakavod!!
    Guest
    kol hakavod!!

    excellent!!! so impressed! you have no idea the effect that these courses can have!!

    Rivka
    Guest
    Rivka

    the best way to teach our kids eveyrhting they need to know about marriage is by being a good EXAMPLE!

    Great idea
    Guest
    Great idea

    Very important! I really like this idea! It’s definitely something that should be done!

    Bachur
    Guest
    Bachur

    I’m in!

    Please
    Guest
    Please

    Do an online course so no matter where we are, we can participate! Please!

    great idea
    Guest
    great idea

    Yasher Koach to whoever is starting this – I think it’s a great idea, and so practical. My ideas for two points you mentioned: Who to get involved – your best bet is Rabbi Manis Friedman. He is undoubtedly the clearest, simplest, most down-to-earth while covering deep topics. What age/stage – while I can understand considering high school, at that stage, even in 12th grade, when girls believe they are ready for anything, most really are not. Best to do it Sem age and up – target the girls straight out of seminary- they are excited about marriage, mature enough… Read more »

    To #5
    Guest
    To #5

    not at all – if they’re getting married – they sorta gotta know what to do about it, and what it means… BEFORE they start their marriages

    there is some headway already
    Guest
    there is some headway already

    Rabbi Chaiken’s chosson classes do feature a financial adviser, an ob-gyn, and they are given info about the nature of women and their hormonal states. What could be taught is how to deal with in-laws, relationships with unmarried friends and other newly-wed friends, when to determine if a rav should be consulted regarding child spacing, etc. I also see that many young people searching for a shidduch state that they want an “open home” without realizing the expense and stress that this can cause. Rabbonim might be able to clarify when outside chessed is a mitzvah and when it interferes… Read more »

    Inlnow
    Guest
    Inlnow

    It should be given from 19 cos honestly younger then that
    Should not be getting married yet, no matter how mature.. B- 4 19 it’s to young and you don’t know what marriage is.. And you should still be in school then or just being a kid:

    I agree with #5
    Guest
    I agree with #5

    Shidduch crisis, everyone???

    Future Kallah
    Guest
    Future Kallah

    Start with teaching the future chassanim and kallahs after high school, why wait for them to get into problems in marriage and then learn about how to deal with them

    Forget about the professionals
    Guest
    Forget about the professionals

    This is a Lubavitch initiative? So leave out the secularly educated professionals. Let’s hear what the Torah and the Rebbe have to say about marriage (there are three volumes “Eternal Joy” of the Rebbe’s responses). It would be useful to hear from some rabbis and rebbetzins about marital questions and situations that come their way and how they resolve them and how to prevent them.

    Happy to hear about this!!
    Guest
    Happy to hear about this!!

    Yasher koach to everyone who is and will be involved! Some of our young people are maybe a bit afraid of marriage. The presenters should address this, too.

    manis is the answer
    Guest
    manis is the answer

    we need rabbi manis friedman to teach on a regular basis in this community, he has been doing this brilliantly for 40 years its time he comes to the shcuna!!!!!!

    yasher koach!
    Guest
    yasher koach!

    kol hakavod! As a post sem girl, I know that I’d really benefit and appreciate such a class. I hope this works! Perhaps contact binahonline.com about doing the class through them for the girls- they have the system of online classes already set up. Thanks in advance for spearheading such a wonderful program which will iy”H benefit many people!

    great idea!
    Guest
    great idea!

    great idea! you should get rabbi shea hecht to teach some of the classes. this is his expertise.

    online
    Guest
    online

    I second the idea of an online course! B”H Chabad is worldwide and there are so many people who could benefit from a course like this — plus people are more comfortable when it’s anonymous and is much more convenient.

    Get a grip!
    Guest
    Get a grip!

    Stop wasting everyones time with these ridicules ideas, there’s no reason that every time someone has a though it has to be announced to the whole world.

    nice idea but.....
    Guest
    nice idea but.....

    we have a bigger issue on our hands, GETTING the kids married.

    To #24
    Guest
    To #24

    If you think it is more important to get them married, and then worry about teaching them the basics of marriage, there won’t be too many lasting marriages . . .

    to #24
    Guest
    to #24

    What’s the point of marrying them off totally unprepared? Why not give them the tools to deal with all kinds of issues that arise after marriage. These courses might help save a marriage or two.

    Great idea!!

    Aaron
    Guest
    Aaron

    BS:D
    just try and do somerhing good and its amazing the grief fed back
    Look at all the non professionals giving professional ie discouraging advice
    Much hatzlacha, it can only help and certainly will not damage anyone so why throw a wet towel on the idea
    gee whiz

    No Professionals
    Guest
    No Professionals

    I agree with #17. Why as Lubavitchers do we always have to looking for “professional” answers when those are almost always mixed in with the goyishe mentality no matter how subtly and even if the professionals are frum. This all started with girls taking goyishe courses to get their teacher’s license. Since when do we need the goyim and their educational psychology methods in order to teach kids al taharas hakodesh?! We have enough guidance from our Rebbeim on education, and no one has spoken more about it than then Rebbe, and only recently have the “professionals” recognized the importance… Read more »

    Marriage Advice
    Guest
    Marriage Advice

    One thing that is teachable and can truly save marriages is COMMUNICATION. Teach how to listen and mirror back what was said, so you can be sure you understood what the other person is saying. Also known as reflective listening. It wouldn’t hurt to teach husbands how to help out at home – how to wash a dish, put a sock in the hamper, and fry an egg. There are times when wives can’t do everything! It would help for both girls and boys to know what is their ruchnius role in the marriage (woman: Akeres Habayis, man: Mashpia) and… Read more »

    Great idea
    Guest
    Great idea

    Please ignore the negativity. The idea is great and maybe after it is put into action many singles will be emotionally ready to find their basherter! Lectures online for everyone is a great idea.

    Blogger
    Guest
    Blogger

    I have another great idea! We could train young singles to be married before they are even married! Put a single boy in the same house as a single girl and see how well they interact. Then you can give them advice when things go wrong! If they get along well they might even really get married. Then we can fix the Shidduch Crisis and the bad marriage crisis at the same time! If my earlier idea isn’t Kosher enough another idea would be to give each boy a girl-doll and each girl a boy-doll. When the doll isn’t treated… Read more »

    single bochur
    Guest
    single bochur

    can we get advice on how to even get married these days? that would be very appreciated

    all the people who are complaining about the idea
    Guest
    all the people who are complaining about the idea

    and calling it “waste of time” or “first marry off your kids” or “what about the shidduch crisis”…
    use your brains and realise that this will help it- as the kids will know what to expect and what not to expect from a marriage.
    less shidduch break offs, less sholom bayis issues (prevent it dont wait 2 solve them!!) less divorces = less scary to get married…

    GIVE EVERY GIRL A WEDDING PRESENT
    Guest
    GIVE EVERY GIRL A WEDDING PRESENT

    THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS, BY DR. LAURA SCHLESINGER

    You've just come to the right place!
    Guest
    You've just come to the right place!

    Its funny, I have been working on this issue for a while. Before publicizing it, i wanted to be ready with my plan. So here goes: I have worked out a plan of bringing different speakers to teach BOCHURIM who are marriageable age the following topics: Managing a monthly budget, teaching some financial aspects like: the do’s and don’ts of credit cards and building a credit, basic fix-up skills, so as the husband in the house they should know how to change a light bulb or put a nail in the wall, VERY BASIC cooking skills,like making an omelet or… Read more »

    First Shiduch in the Torah
    Guest
    First Shiduch in the Torah

    Avrohom made Eliezer swear to choose a wife for Yitzchok ONLY from GEZA…WHY ???

    he should have asked him to look for a wife with Midos Tovos

    to 25 and 26
    Guest
    to 25 and 26

    yes that’s true. but why not deal with the most pressing issue in Chabad today getting them married before 30 there is plenty of time for marriage advice,but the former is more urgent, trust me on this one. or at least give them advise on becoming ” marriage material”

    Make youtube channel
    Guest
    Make youtube channel

    And it should be by invite only (if that’s possible)

    to 33
    Guest
    to 33

    do you really think all that you mentioned is cause of a shidduch crisis?

    One thing to deemphasize; what to substitute
    Guest
    One thing to deemphasize; what to substitute

    I’m told that a large chunk of the training that the young men get in “chosson class” is a great degree of mathematical detail about time calculations in taharas hamishpocha. Yes, the men must of course learn about taharas hamishpocha. But most wives take charge of their own calculations. The time currently spent on this part of the details in the men’s class could be better spent on more practical things, like: “Don’t talk to your wife the way you talk to your male buddies when you’re upset; you’ll make her cry (C”V),” and “Take mental notes when your wife… Read more »

    To 36
    Guest
    To 36

    Aza “GEZA” Besuel’s daughter and Lovon’s sister, if you went looking all over the world today you couldn’t find a worse family!
    Compared to them we’re all top “GEZA”.
    -Benai Avrohom, Yitzchok V’Yacov, Sarah, Rivkah, Rochel V’Leah.

    Great idea!
    Guest
    Great idea!

    As other posters said, it would be very benficial for it to be online. Also, I think it would be better if it would be for engaged couples. Singles usually tend to focus on finding someone, thinking “It will never happen to them” to fight with their partner. No matter how much they know no one is spared, they all have that ideal that they will never argue with their spouse. On another note, I heard some rabbis agree to marry the couples only after they have gone through a few sessions of marriage counseling. I think it is great… Read more »

    to#40
    Guest
    to#40

    noway!!!!

    gezhe?
    Guest
    gezhe?

    First Shiduch in the Torah
    Avrohom made Eliezer swear to choose a wife for Yitzchok ONLY from GEZA…WHY ???

    he should have asked him to look for a wife with Midos Tovos
    even when eliezer saw the water miraculously rise for her he he did not give her any thing till he saw her exemplary middos toivois!

    Yes!
    Guest
    Yes!

    Do it!
    People will thank you for many years to come!
    This is great!
    I think all the people who are being negative need some parenting skills so that they can teach their children how to be a bit more optimistic.

    shidduch crisis
    Guest
    shidduch crisis

    if you make the classes together, even with a mechitza you can also make shidduchim and solve 2 problems at once.

    Chai Amar has a great classes like this in golden beach you can watch his classes live online at http://rabbiamar.com/

    i am really not impressed #31
    Guest
    i am really not impressed #31

    seems like a good idea just you havent preped anything, so why is everyone getting so excited?

    As the phrase goes: PUH-LEEZE!
    Guest
    As the phrase goes: PUH-LEEZE!

    There are ALWAYS, and I repeat ALWAYS Sholom Bayis classes going on in Crown Heights. And most of them are free. When I was in Kollel, there were flyers practically every week advertising Sholom Bayis courses for men and women (Many of them by Rabbi Paltiel). If a husband or a wife is really interested in learning about transforming themselves so that they can live happy, healthy lives together, they will have already gone to those classes (As I have). These articles usually end up in one of two ways: 1) Nobody cares, so nobody does nothing. 2) Somebody starts… Read more »

    I have a brilliant suggestion:
    Guest
    I have a brilliant suggestion:

    Have all chassanim read Rav Arush’s book “In the Garden of Peace”. It’ll educate them on how to treat a wife, and what a wife is, bichlal. Yeah, he’s Breslov. Kabel et ha’emet mimi she’omro. And there’s a women’s book out there, too, but I’m not sure it’s been translated into English yet. My next suggestion: Tell kids to ask themselves what would make the other person happy, and to learn to be considerate of others. That also helps. If you want to fly my husband in to teach shalom bayis classes, I can ask if he’d be willing.

    Wondering
    Guest
    Wondering

    “A group of concerned parents say marriageable girls and bochurim are not educated enough about the responsibilities and obligations of married life and are planning to do something about it.”
    – Who was supposed to educate them, if not these “concerned” parents?!
    Singed Elter Bochur

    great idea and (in stead of 'but', not to put you off)
    Guest
    great idea and (in stead of 'but', not to put you off)

    get some kosher people with common sense to teach those classes. so no, it shouldn’t be some psychologist who learned his thing in college, but a rav/rebbetzen with life experience and a tora-outlook. there’s no need to invent the wheel and ask people what works for them, is there?

    girls need skills too
    Guest
    girls need skills too

    There is no reason that a girl can’t learn to use a hammer, drill or other tools. Many girls come into marriage without knowing how to cook basic foods, clean a house, drive or write a check. Both boys and girls could stand to learn something about nutrition.

    to #44
    Guest
    to #44

    What we learn from this week’s parsha is to find a shidduch the person should search out a match from one’s own background and the person should be kind. People of the same background understand each other better. This is not to say that Ashkenazim and Sfardim can’t have a good marriage or that people who don’t speak the same language can’t overcome the language barrier, but marriage is easier when there are fewer cultural differences.

    to 52
    Guest
    to 52

    so that should be included in the courses! great idea

    Why????
    Guest
    Why????

    Why are you leaving out the married folk who are having serious issues and might not be married anymore soon ch”v. I think that is pikuach nefesh mamosh!!! I think that the answer to all these questions is to listen to lectures by Rabbi Manis Friedman he has saved marriages, that one would have thought had no hope and has guided tons upon tons of couples, bochurim, girls, teens and children and is amazing with his wisdom of people and Torah and chassidus. I think he is the most untapped in to resource Lubavitch has. As a bochur I spent… Read more »

    great idea
    Guest
    great idea

    praise to the initiator of this idea. this is long over due. i hope something concrete will come out of all this.

    to #43 from #40
    Guest
    to #43 from #40

    What part of what I wrote are you saying “no way” to? What — do you think that it’s not true? Or do you disagree with teaching the things to chossons that I suggested? Or do you badly want for the men to be experts before marriage on something they can look up quite easily on their own, in the rare situation that the wife wants not to make her own calculations? And at the expense of him NOT learning some more important practical stuff — which could make his marriage more happy — in advance of marriage? Or maybe… Read more »

    crazy
    Guest
    crazy

    wow people really get caught up in these comments….MAYBE- you should realize that 19,20,21,22 etc…DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE NORMAL AGE FOR A GIRL 2 GET MARRIED-NEITHER A BOCHUR…….both the girls and guys are way too picky and have ISSUES themselves ONE ISSUE COULD BE -THEYRE TOO YOUNG!!!!!!!! open your eyes

    smart
    Guest
    smart

    Don.t get married it’s not worth the headache. Shidduchim are out dated you could never know anything about the person in 5 or 10 dates. Come up withsomething to correct that.

    Last night
    Guest
    Last night

    I went to a class just like this for girls last night hosted at my frends house in Bel Air over 35 grls came its a great idea to do it in crown heights to were having another class in a few weeks

    Mommy, Bubby & "elter Bubby"
    Guest
    Mommy, Bubby & "elter Bubby"

    Number 7 hit the nail on the head. Many parents are too busy doing everything else but give their own children the proper chinuch by example. They may make sure their children are dressed to the hilt but don’t show them how to be what it takes to be happily and succesfully married.

    Chazak v'nischazeik!
    Guest
    Chazak v'nischazeik!

    excellent! Too many new marriages are ending in divorce today. A friend of mine had a great suggestion- the chassanim and kallahs should go for a few visits to a therapist to make sure that they don’t have any hidden issues that they are not aware of-but may be unconducive to a healthy marriage.

    kalla classes should be broader
    Guest
    kalla classes should be broader

    speaking of chassanim, kalla classes shouldnt only focus on halachos.

    It would be great to discuss having a large family vs when to talk to a rov about child spacing, as well as a womans role in a family. many women are not comfortable with the traditional role of a jewish woman.

    good idea
    Guest
    good idea

    Of course it’s a good idea. The existence of other problems (shidduch crisis, existing shalom bayis issues) does not invalidate this idea. Should we not give tzedaka here because there are people starving elsewhere?

    By the way, there was quite a while when BAYIT, an arm of the Taharas Hamishpacha office, was running fantastic courses of young single women. I know they had Rabbi Friedman, Sara Morozov, and a bunch of other big names in Chinuch. Maybe the organizers of that program can be helpful in the planning of these classes.

    !!!
    Guest
    !!!

    There is only one problem:
    these kids are not interested!
    I will never forget how in seminary 90% of the girls didn’t even pay attention to the bayis hayehudi classes. why??
    “oh, I have tonz of sisters before me”
    “im so not getting married yet”
    “boring!!! it puts me to sleep”

    These young girls and boys are not interested in knowing about marriage. Its not their reality.
    When seeing a good example at home that is the best way a child could learn.
    These classes should be for people who are in “shidduchim”, engaged and newly married.

    to #58
    Guest
    to #58

    What do you think the girls should be doing as they postpone marriage? The Rebbe doesn’t think they should be working: “During the last few generations, the difficulty of exile, etc., has given rise to a “new custom,” that Jewish daughters go out before their wedding to work and earn money! Such a thing never occurred during those years when matters were in their proper order, at which time Jewish daughters conducted themselves in a manner of “The entire glory of a king’s daughter is inward.” “All types of “reasons” are presented to explain the benefits accrued by this new… Read more »

    EVERYONE READ COMMENT #57
    Guest
    EVERYONE READ COMMENT #57

    READ IT ITS WORTH IT…..

    to 66
    Guest
    to 66

    so what do you ( or the Rebbe) propose they do, if their chosson will be learning in colel and their parents cant support them?

    to 65
    Guest
    to 65

    if a girl is completely uninterested in learning how to work towards a successful marriage, then she probably shouldn’t get married! let her wait and mature, and when she is motivated to go into a committment like this, she can sign up for the class…

    i love these comments
    Guest
    i love these comments

    I can always count on them entertaining me

    divorced guy
    Guest
    divorced guy

    i think divorced people would be a great source of advice.

    To # 7
    Guest
    To # 7

    Im married 30 yrs bh I feel like to my children i made marriage look easy ………..& once they found their spouses they realized theres times when they have to bite their tongue!!

    hashem yishmor!!!!!
    Guest
    hashem yishmor!!!!!

    every person have the right time to marry
    hashem know’s
    dont worry about it,first make the keli and hashem will do the rest..

    To #28
    Guest
    To #28

    If you look around at our schools, you will understand why our teachers have to have advanced education. The Rebbe encouraged teachers to use their summers to advance their knowledge of education. There is a lot of excellent research and practical work being done in the secular world that would be great if we could apply them to our classrooms. Our children need to be in classrooms with goals and objectives, not just the number of pesukim that the teacher wants to cover that day. Their assessments should be of a varied nature, with formative as well as summative ones,… Read more »

    to #74
    Guest
    to #74

    Did the Rebbe encourage teachers to advance their knowledge of education in secular venues or did he prefer they attend the Torah Umesorah summer sessions as I did, many years ago. Where are the terrific mechanchim and mechanchos with years of experience who can share their wisdom with others? Too many of us are convinced that we in the Jewish world don’t have what it takes, don’t have what to offer and only those with secular degrees do. That’s false. Manis Friedman, ZL Markowitz and other educators are people who don’t have secular credentials and yet have words of wisdom… Read more »

    books
    Guest
    books

    everyone should have to read a book called the garden of peace this book is only for boys or men and women are not allowed to read it.(that is the request at the beginging of the book) I heard that the beis din in eretz yisroel will not grant a divorce until the man reads this book and it has helped a great deal of marriages. It is available on amazon.com and recently a book came out for women. It was in hebrew but just came out in English and it is also in many other languages. It is called… Read more »

    Okay?
    Guest
    Okay?

    So after all these comments, are you going to do anything, or will it just be another one of those articles.

    to 77
    Guest
    to 77

    hit it right on the spot…

    Wow!
    Guest
    Wow!

    Mrs. Schmukler from Montreal should give these classes!!
    She has the best life knowledge and wisdom, is so practical, down to earth and amazing hashkafa!!

    To 7
    Guest
    To 7

    As great as it is to “lead by example” I’m sure you do not engage your children in conversation concerning monthly budget and the personal relationship you share with your husband…some things are not appropriate to share with your children, but they most definitely need to be told about it…
    YOu need to TELL them…not “be an example” because as much as you think you are a good example…they don’t see what makes a good marriage…they see a good marriage and a good family…and not everyone is lucky enough to have these things…

    How to be happy with each other is the primary issue
    Guest
    How to be happy with each other is the primary issue

    Budget, helping in the house fixing things have their place, but that is so NOT the issue. THE primary issue is, how can a young couple begin life together happily, connecting to each other when men “come from Mars” and women “come from Venus?” With that issue properly addressed, all else, pales in comparative importance and will be only mildly consequential. Women dream about marriage from the crib and on. What do you think girls do with dolls? How many wedding gown magazines are there (and they are the thickest magazines!)? There is no equivalent for men on these two… Read more »

    to 5
    Guest
    to 5

    Your “so called” one step at a time is so naive. if you get married and then find out what it really requires – good luck because you’ll need it!

    more advice and speeches
    Guest
    more advice and speeches

    I can tell you from experience that Iwent to many workshops. It all sounds wonderful and you want to implement all the good advice you hear. However, when an incident occurs and you feel you will explode, all the advice goes out the door. You resort to the behavior you are used to. I recommend active involvement in role playing scenarios of real situations that tick you off. You incorporate the communication skills that work and redo the role play until you get it right.

    Great Idea
    Guest
    Great Idea

    Many people would benefit.
    If only this was made when i was getting married!
    (I am divorced)

    X