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Wednesday, 23 Sivan, 5779
  |  June 26, 2019

    Listen to Me, Get Married Young

    Op-Ed by Rabbi Shea Hecht: If you want the odds to be stacks in your favor, try to get married at a younger age. Full Story

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    agree
    Guest
    agree

    i really agree. and before all the defensive comments come forth…realize that every person is entitled to their opinion and maybe you can learn something from this opinion! hatzlocha

    Agree
    Guest
    Agree

    Also, younger couples enter into their marriage with a lot less “baggage” than those dating for many years.

    yes! but...
    Guest
    yes! but...

    With all due respect, I agree with you however i feel that you are missing a big factor which is finances. Getting married isn’t just about growing together its also about paying bills and with Hashems help, having babies. One or both need to have a job that is fitting to take care of a family. If a person isn’t ready to take this on, then i don’t think they are ready to get married.

    That is if you find him right away!
    Guest
    That is if you find him right away!

    Not because you started dating at 19, would that mean you get married young. Not everyone finds him right away.

    Halevai
    Guest
    Halevai

    Halevai our parents didn’t force us to wait for older siblings…

    If you are a girl of 19..
    Guest
    If you are a girl of 19..

    plenty of girls WANT to get married young.
    you’re making it sound like it’s in our hands, G-d is in charge.

    Why 21
    Guest
    Why 21

    If the Torah says to get married at 18, why wait till 21.

    shadchan and mom
    Guest
    shadchan and mom

    that would be great if the boys (read it as the mothers) would say yes to the 19-20 year old girls. they think their sons are too mature for them bc i don’t know why. maybe their sisters are immature…they think that boys straight from smicha are more mature than girls straight out of seminary. please. they are both the same. i hate to agree here, but it would be the best if they did get married younger, but i think that if parents at least agree to help them financially for a little while, they would feel that then… Read more »

    Not conviced......Stick to the Torah
    Guest
    Not conviced......Stick to the Torah

    If the article wants to bring out that its in the Torah’s interest to get married early then fine. However, to crisscross into who you would rather travel the world with is a subjective issue. Also the fact that its more complicated when your mature is not a negative. Being mature and more thoughtful and choosy about whats important to you is a good thing. Yeah i know, the parents just want them to get married before they “know too much”….cute. . If the Rabbi would simply express why it would befits a jew who wants to live a Torah… Read more »

    Traveling Bochur
    Guest
    Traveling Bochur

    I want to spend the next two years of my life traveling the world. The chances of a Shliach bringing me and my wife are much slimmer than just bringing me and a friend. If I am married we will have plenty of expenses and iy”h a baby to pay for…. How many couples do you know toured Venice, Rio, and Mumbai in their first two years being married??? I would love to do these travels married and I understand that they can be more meaningful… but unfortunately I am not able to do so. If you’re willing to sponsor… Read more »

    We All Need to Get Involved
    Guest
    We All Need to Get Involved

    There are many girls who would like to get married at 19-20. That is an ideal age for most . For some reason, however, we have many great girls and bochrim who don’t date just anyone who comes along, and finding the right one takes time. Years ago, it was a matter of dating one or two bochurim, and a shidduch was clinched. Now, the field is much greater, and it gets more complicated, as there are many levels, issues, etc. and finding the right match seems to be harder. I believe that parents do begin to look for early… Read more »

    Get married by 22
    Guest
    Get married by 22

    Have kids by 23 then four by 27 chase ur tail jobless till ur 39 and then give up…. Article is for robots!

    Faulty Proof
    Guest
    Faulty Proof

    Correlation does not imply causation. There are many factors that go into higher divorce rates and marriage age. In addition, you cannot compare statistics of secular people and assume they apply with religious jews, who have a completely different culture regarding marriage. I am not saying that you don’t have a valid point or idea. In the future, please don’t bring statistics without proving causation and soundness of argument.

    ok Shea Hecht
    Guest
    ok Shea Hecht

    Ok – point taken

    with all due respect
    Guest
    with all due respect

    i highly disagree. people getting married too young don’t get to “figure themselves out.” people need time to develop and at 18, 19, a boy most definitely has not. a couple years in to marriage they wonder this or that and then go try things that their spouse may not agree with, and it causes major riffs in the marriage, if it ends up lasting. i know more than one couple that this happened to first hand.

    guys should have jobs before they get married
    Guest
    guys should have jobs before they get married

    it adds a lot of stress when a young couple gets married barely scraping by and the guy works these dead end jobs. at that point it’s too late for him to go to school because they have no way to support themselves.
    i don’t really think this article is the way it should be.

    Love it
    Guest
    Love it

    I think the point of this article is great! It’s so true.

    Absolutely amazing!
    Guest
    Absolutely amazing!

    Very well articulated!

    in regard to traveling
    Guest
    in regard to traveling

    most singles have the $ to travel even if they are only earning $10/hour. i, a female, got married at 25. i am SO happy i traveled before then because when we got married we did not have the $ for it!!

    This definitely needs to be discussed.
    Guest
    This definitely needs to be discussed.

    Whether Rabbi Hecht is right or wrong, this topic must be talked about.

    Agree completely!!!!
    Guest
    Agree completely!!!!

    I work so hard setting up my older friends and they are so not flexible in anything it’s ridiculous and almost impossible to work with. I have married off 3 of my younger sisters friends with no problems!

    Bravo
    Guest
    Bravo

    I agree totally. Aside from the points above, I’ve also often heard something along the lines of “s/he is a really nice person, but the person I went out with x dates ago had “more of y which is something I am looking for” or “less of z which I don’t like”. And if I turned that down, why should I settle for this person? The fewer people you meet the easier it is to accept minor issues and focus on the important stuff. No one is perfect. If you can see yourself marrying the person you are currently seeing,… Read more »

    Do it when you are older
    Guest
    Do it when you are older

    Take it from me and older experienced guy. When you are older you make wiser decisions and marry the “end product” for what compliments your end product. Just like if you are running your million dollar company you will rather hire “experienced” employees rather then a baby. Thank g-d in my wiser years I found what I needed and I am ecstatic! All my friends that went the topical way have nothing exciting in their lives and I wouldn’t call it a “marriage” more like a house mate. if they wouldn’t have kids most would be divorced… Vechulu. You will… Read more »

    Easier said then done
    Guest
    Easier said then done

    For now, let’s work on getting the older girls married.

    Maturity is the problem
    Guest
    Maturity is the problem

    Seminary snd Beis Medrash are necessary because parents are not on the job.If homes would want teen marriage would flourish c-teen weekend great timing! ! Great article

    Mrs. Nobody
    Guest
    Mrs. Nobody

    i agree with you more than 100%

    Excellent
    Guest
    Excellent

    B”H

    This is the Rebbe’s position as well, as the Rebbe writes in Igros that “lulei d’mistafina” he would encourage getting married at 18 too.

    I agree
    Guest
    I agree

    They should set up the Yeshiva system so that bachurim will be ready at a younger age. This will also help solve the “shidduch crisis”. Girls are done with thier school system at about age 19 and boys are done at about 22/23?

    To Rabbi Shea
    Guest
    To Rabbi Shea

    With all due respect, I disagree with your generalization in this matter. While some young men and women would no doubt benefit from marrying young, there are others that would not and would be resentful. First and foremost, it’s irresponsible to advise a young man or woman with no skills or education to enter into a marriage and start a family. Perhaps twenty years ago you can get away with that, but we live in hard financial times, and skills and savings are vital to survival. Spare me your quotes from random sources to the contrary. These are the FACTS… Read more »

    Thanks but no thanks!
    Guest
    Thanks but no thanks!

    This is very bad advice! Very unfortunate, but advice like this is coming from a mind-set which is very much trapped in a bubble! You mentioned the way things “used to be.” In order to solve the shidduch crisses, it would be a good idea to allow men to do what they used to do, and do best, and women do what they used to do, and do best, Men used to seek out there own “wife-mate”, as Adam Horishon did, and as the Talmud relates was the custom on Tu B’av etc. etc. and shdchanim and moms should take… Read more »

    odd
    Guest
    odd

    what an odd article. The vast majority of older singles did not CHOOSE to be one. Im sure if you took a poll of all older singles as to whether they chose to marry later or it was a result of circumstance beyond their control, a very tiny minority would say that they deliberately pushed off marriage and wanted to marry at a later age.
    This is slightly demeaning. I wish I could have married young. Unfortunately God had other plans for me.

    Because not EVERYONE wants their whole life to be that
    Guest
    Because not EVERYONE wants their whole life to be that

    Some want to not travel or be with friends, some want to do something like go to bed school or start a career. I think marrying young is good but to some extent

    What is the purpose of this article?
    Guest
    What is the purpose of this article?

    Is the goal for this article to have boys and girls hang out less by getting them married earlier, and therefore trying to control the society and who cares if they’re ready for marriage or not just get them married and let them figure it all out by themselves, and then trying to mask it with like wouldn’t you want to share the best part of your life together sooner. When I see something like this, to me it’s as if we’re not good people, we make only bad choices, and therefore the system should make the right choices for… Read more »

    Haha
    Guest
    Haha

    As if money and financial status doesn’t play a very big role, once yichus and family yichus plays that role. There should be two shidduch systems. One for the rich and impressive, and one for the ordinary and struggling. The rich and impressive gossip badly against ordinary and struggling yidden. There should be a mechitza, because young (18-21) from ordinary and / or struggling families hear all this negative gossip on top of the financial burden a wedding is.

    Love it
    Guest
    Love it

    This is the Torah way

    I'm 21
    Guest
    I'm 21

    And i am definitely not getting married for another 2 years. Besides, 21 is still shlichus age. Are you suggesting we get married before we even start smicha?

    To thine own self be true
    Guest
    To thine own self be true

    What’s wrong with establishing yourself first before committing to marriage?

    Data please
    Guest
    Data please

    Data shows divorce rate goes down as marriage age goes up. Lower age of marriage shows higher divorce rate.

    very nice article
    Guest
    very nice article

    But it’s not always so easy to find….

    Good Point
    Guest
    Good Point

    Also advocated by Dr Twerski

    The other side of the coin
    Guest
    The other side of the coin

    There are some good reasons why a 19 yr old may not be ready to get married. They are often still rather immature and are not ready for such a big life choice which brings to your item 2. You mention that the girl having a higher degree than the boy can be an issue, wait why shouldn’t the boy get a degree or other way to support his family? The biggest issue with young marriage is that they are not able to support a family. A single guy has luxury of time to plan for his future. Once he… Read more »

    Sure thing
    Guest
    Sure thing

    If your perspective on marriage is that it doesn’t really matter who you marry, as long as their opinions on religion, children, marriage and money are similar to yours and you aren’t repulsed by them as a human, then yes, by all means, get married young, so that your community and religion have another couple making children and perpetuating the society to which you belong. If, however, you would like to commit for life to someone who you adore on a personal level, and to who you are incredibly and always attracted on every level, and who makes everything about… Read more »

    Well said...!!
    Guest
    Well said...!!

    Kudos to this opinion! Right on! Thank you Rabbi Hecht for putting this out on the table.
    In the meantime, though, we should wish הצלחה רבה ומופלגה to all the older singles that are out there NOW to find their Bashert Very Very Soon!

    21????
    Guest
    21????

    srsly? isn’t that for all those ppl with rebbeles out there?
    WE ARE CHABAD AND HAVE ONE REBBE!
    23 is a good age
    this is young
    21 is TOOOOO young
    much too young

    Let's go down your road...
    Guest
    Let's go down your road...

    An empty pushka with just a couple of coins in it – sure does make a lot of noise. Let’s go down your road and see where it leads. So she gets married at 18 and by the time she is 21, she has 3 kids (or maybe 4 if she is blessed with twins), living in a cramped one-bedroom CH dreary basement apartment, dealing all at once with strep / a colic baby / the terrible twos / oh and did I mention the unemployed husband? She is a full time mother of three AND needs to work full… Read more »

    You dont need to be a Shea Hecht to know that (:
    Guest
    You dont need to be a Shea Hecht to know that (:

    Great article

    770???
    Guest
    770???

    What about 770?
    When will the bachur have a chance to be in 770???
    Is this what the rebbe wants?

    what if they really are not ready?
    Guest
    what if they really are not ready?

    If by traveling and enjoying friends they are getting their running around out of their systems so that they can really settle down, that could be considered preparation for marriage. Also, these young newlyweds are starting out life in the highest rent area possible. Is someone helping out financially so that they do get a good start in life. Centuries ago, when people married very young, they often rented a room in the parent’s home and the free rent was part of the marriage agreement. How many teens and early 20’s are making enough for the exorbitant rents? Young marriage… Read more »

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    We found your advice very pertenate and helpful. Your article gave us the peace of mind that we were looking for. Thank you Rabbi Hecht.

    Wanting to get married at a young age sounds nice.
    Guest
    Wanting to get married at a young age sounds nice.

    Sometimes, however, your parents might think you’re not ready just yet and might wait 2-3 yrs before they first approach a shadchan. May we all find ‘the right one’ in a good and auspicious time!

    Depends
    Guest
    Depends

    Depends on the person; If they are well-off, have a good job/degree, make good money and are totally ready for marriage, sure thing. But throwing a kid into marriage at 19-20 could have bad consequences such as depleted financials, added stress, not ready to have kids, not knowing how to deal with fights, not really loving your significant other/not seeing them as your best friend in the world. It’s kind of a hit or miss. And it’s VERY irresponsible for young people to get married and have kids if they aren’t financially ready to have kids yet.

    Re: faulty proof
    Guest
    Re: faulty proof

    who ARE you?! Taking the words rght outa my mouth, man!

    Single young guy
    Guest
    Single young guy

    Very interesting article. I’d say it’s the typical get married young article.. he brings up good points, but, every person is different in their motives, reasonings, plans, and views on life. I would have loved if he he had gotten more technical, so the generalization doesn’t quite cut it for me.

    I think about all the things he mentions, and would absolutely love to sit down and have a chat with him about it. I’m sure I would greatly benefit.

    Love the article
    Guest
    Love the article

    For the most part but recognize as I’m sure the rabbi does too there are wxceptions to every rule.
    True not all looking to marry young are finding their mates and not all are ready that young but for the most part this all makes loads of sense.
    Thank you for a refreshing perspective!

    12 grade schoolgirl
    Guest
    12 grade schoolgirl

    I don’t know about any other girl but myself and I know I am too immature to handle another persons issues just yet.

    Article well articulated
    Guest
    Article well articulated

    Food for thought! Thank you

    Yichus
    Guest
    Yichus

    Yichus plays a huge role and it is a very complicated process getting married especially if your young and want a husband or wife with yichus

    Marry in yeshiva
    Guest
    Marry in yeshiva

    I think it should be the norm to marry at 16.. And still live in dorms married… Pat ants will pay tuition such as they do for yeshiva and sem. This would solve so many problems!!!!

    I tbink this article is ridiculous
    Guest
    I tbink this article is ridiculous

    People getting married at that age many times do it for other reasons like wanting companionship or more the opposite gender in their life if you know what I mean. After a year of marriage reality sets in. Money, education, children, and it’s not always as pleasant as they thought. I think people need to grow up and no one is grown up at that age. some exceptions to this but few and far.

    Dear Rabbi Hecht,
    Guest
    Dear Rabbi Hecht,

    While I have tremendous respect for you and all the work you have done for the community over the years, I think you’re on the wrong side with this issue. Bachurim should not be getting married at 19, 20, or even 21. I am a 25 year old single bachur. I went through the system, and then went to school and got a job. Baruch Hashem, today I am a successful professional. I look at the lives many of my married former classmates are leading, and it boggles my mind. The WhatsApp conversations they have; comparing food stamp benefits in… Read more »

    Elephant in the room...
    Guest
    Elephant in the room...

    “Another issue I have encountered is that once girls in our community earn degrees and have established jobs, they often are no longer open to the typical 23-year-old bochur who only has smicha to offer.” Hmmm, maybe the lack of employable education, for boys, is part of the problem here. You think? Don’t you worry, my prediction is, within 10 years, the educational system will change (currently, it does not provide job placement, like it used to [Shlichus]. People can’t go hungry forever, social services may/will dry up, and college-educated parents (helping their kids out) are a thing of the… Read more »

    To 60: WELL SAID
    Guest
    To 60: WELL SAID

    Especially love what you wrote about everyone comparing their food stamps, wic, etc. it’s pathetic everyone lives off the government. Get an education, work a normal profession, and show your children and the rest of the world you are a true mentsch.

    Shadchans, parents, girls.. Please explain - "Older Bochur"
    Guest
    Shadchans, parents, girls.. Please explain - "Older Bochur"

    A friend of mine is 26, been focusing on growing his business since leaving yeshiva the last few years while still dating in between. When he is suggested a 19-20 year old girl, a common response he receives is “she is looking for someone younger” or “looking for someone in taharas hokodesh”, while this is understandable for certain reasons, it is mind boggling that there are girls that would turn down a great bochur that went through the “system” and with hashems help successfully established himself to being financially secure while being involved in mivtzoim in his workplace as well… Read more »

    Education
    Guest
    Education

    I agree with the article, but…….they NEED to educate bachurim in yeshiva and girls in seminary about what marriage is!

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    Great article. Agree with most points. Some can be argued but if so many rabbanim signed to this there must be something to it.

    the right time
    Guest
    the right time

    there are many letters, teshuvot, from the rebbe encouraging to marry young

    To those guys who don't agree
    Guest
    To those guys who don't agree

    So from 20 odd are you busy preparing for marriage or are you busy getting a degree making money, traveling, eating out, getting a feel for the finer things in life? Then what if that doesn’t materialize by 26/28/30 ? Perhaps this also causes one to think more secularly … Just asking….
    Many young ones are very focused on their goals and make them work too!:)

    Do what you think is right!
    Guest
    Do what you think is right!

    It definitely seems that this article is for bochurim and girls that are younger and see that they won’t have these benefits of marrying later, it’s a beautiful encouragement for those that need it and their parents.
    If you see reason to wait and you can marry later successfully, go right ahead. Just bare in mind that that’s not what our Rebbe suggested to most people.

    Yes to 64!
    Guest
    Yes to 64!

    Prepare the guys n girls in high school,seminary & guys in yeshiva with lectures, discussions, financial planning, coping skills etc…

    you're blessed if you marry young
    Guest
    you're blessed if you marry young

    parnassa comes in the merit of your wife
    so make sure you marry a good girl

    Bravo
    Guest
    Bravo

    I agree totally. Aside from the points above, I’ve also often heard something along the lines of “s/he is a really nice person, but the person I went out with x dates ago had “more of y which is something I am looking for” or “less of z which I don’t like”. And if I turned that down, why should I settle for this person? The fewer people you meet the easier it is to accept minor issues and focus on the important stuff. No one is perfect. If you can see yourself marrying the person you are currently seeing,… Read more »

    Nooooooo!
    Guest
    Nooooooo!

    this is totally wrong. almost all people are not ready for marriage at such young ages. I know many people who got married at nineteen and now say they wish they hadn’t. not that they aren’t happy now and definitely not because they wanted to travel and experience things. its because they realize that they were too young and immature than to really understand what they wanted and they needed more time before getting married. its true, many times people do want to travel and experience different things before they get married. and its not right to tell them to… Read more »

    Attention 60
    Guest
    Attention 60

    since your writing about the shiduch crisis, and sulutions, In my opinion the best sulution is to start dating in other Jewish community’s, a Jew is a Jew, and I’m not blind I know that when there are differences it’s not always easy, but in truth most of our difference are our own duing and not reall changes, so if we can create an environment where there is allot more intercomunety exchange of ideas, then will probably find much more in common than not, which than should be easier to date and marry, like how complicated is it already we… Read more »

    89 RABBIS
    Guest
    89 RABBIS

    Why are people attacking Rabbi Hecht? His article agrees with a full page ad signed by 89 RABBIS representing a cross-section of the greater frum community!

    To 60 and 62 - Professionals ALSO live of the government
    Guest
    To 60 and 62 - Professionals ALSO live of the government

    Wrong. I know you don’t hold of large Hassdic families.

    Doctors for example also get government checks (from Medicaid) . Lawyers and accountants often get checks from the government or the governemtn forces people to use their services and pay them.

    School teachers with degrees, therapists and other professionals also get their money from the government.

    These large families – medicaid recipients that you are talking about are often lead a more meaningful useful and productive life than those professionals. (Except that the government sends them payments in a different form).

    Hecht is %90 right.
    Guest
    Hecht is %90 right.

    Almost all cases would strongly benefit from young marriages.
    They could get their professional degree afterwards.

    There SOME cases that the bocur/girl is clearly not ready.

    @60
    Guest
    @60

    Taxpayers pay much less government money on average for a Hassidic child than for a secular child.

    Given the fact that a secular child attends PUBLIC SCHOOL which costs taxpayers nearly $20,000 per year per child (in NYC). – Totaling around $300,000 per secular child from Pre-k thru 12th grade.

    Depends
    Guest
    Depends

    I agree in principle….meaning,for a boy or girl to wait till ‘they know exactly who they are or what they want’,is not a good thing.Takes a lifetime to get to know yourself!!But sometimes,a Bochur of 21 is just too unsure of himself.Doesnt really know which direction he wants to go in,needs some breathing space to just ‘be’,before he commits himself to another person!!that being said,I do think that by 23,a bochur who has finished smicha as per the Rebbes instructions,should seriously begin moving on.There are many comments here about financial security…..I think that is a new concept,bright largely by the… Read more »

    #58
    Guest
    #58

    Ha! Ha!

    amazing!
    Guest
    amazing!

    I have to points which were lightly touched upon
    1 the rebbe clearly is pro younger marriage as evident from a number of sources
    2 all this talk of bochurim needing education to be financially established is AGAINST the teachings of our Rebbes. In תומכי תמימים we are told not to think about תכלית. Let us always remember that we are Chasidim and when following the Rebbe’s instructions we can’t go wrong. פרנסה comes from ה’ NOT ones job!!!

    r hecht
    Guest
    r hecht

    In all due respect, are you educated as a professional marriage counselor? Did you schvitz in college??? well as an educated marriage counselor and MSCW, with semicha you have no idea what you are talking about. Get educated, understand being a Hecht doesn’t grant you “higher powers” to fix marriages. Only in the frum world do politicians, pulpit rabbi’s, want to be marriage counselors are paid attention.

    To # 81
    Guest
    To # 81

    With all due respect, Mr. Professional Marriage Counselor who shvitzed in college, how many rescued marriages do you have under your belt? Why don’t you and the higher power R. Shea compare success rates and then we can talk? Just saying:)

    Thank you Rabbi Hecht
    Guest
    Thank you Rabbi Hecht

    What a great eye opener and reminder! Thank you for sharing!

    Experience counts
    Guest
    Experience counts

    Who said college degrees count more than 40 years of experience???

    Spot on!
    Guest
    Spot on!

    This is an excellent article, and for those of us with doubts- the Rebbe encouraged this very strongly!

    tp 75
    Guest
    tp 75

    What a joke, you have no idea what you’re saying. And I can’t take you seriously with that grammar. They aren’t “getting” checks to live off of.

    I AM THRILLED
    Guest
    I AM THRILLED

    Yes I agree the Rebbe’s words are the most precious, but certain things change in time and fact is encouraging people to get married that young will cause problems! I got married at 25 which is “old.” I had money saved up and was finished getting my education. Had I been married any younger I would have would have not been able to experience half the things I did. I changed SO much from the age of 20-24 and my husband is not the man I would have married when I first started dating. Thank G-d I waited or I… Read more »

    No matter the age
    Guest
    No matter the age

    I believe that every eligible single must take detailed pre-marital Shalom Bayis training, bec, not everyone get’s it from their home. This will solve much of the Shidduch crises and lead to many stable marriages.

    Yes !
    Guest
    Yes !

    #80 U got it

    Hate to say
    Guest
    Hate to say

    A lot of reasons older ppl are not getting married is because of RUMORS!
    I suggest don’t believe everything you hear unless you speak to a reliable source that knows the person..
    If a girl or boy is 26 doesn’t mean there is something wrong..
    It means most of the time it just didn’t work..
    Stop judging!!

    To #81
    Guest
    To #81

    #1. According to Malcolm Gladwell from “Outliers” clearly states in his book with 10,000 hrs you become an expert.
    Shea Hecht selflessy without taking a penny has reached well over 10,000 hrs! My children were personally helped.

    #2 Shea Hecht has Smicha

    #3 As a student of Rabbi Shea I know he took professional level courses in counseling, drug and alchohol abuse.

    #4 Take your personal vendetta somewhere else

    Thank you Rabbi She Hecht

    Meir
    Guest
    Meir

    BS”D
    # 81
    you are full of anger
    so what kind of counselor could you be even with all of your ” degrees”
    a point can be made without attack
    and by the way a sine quo none of every Hecht is a kind heart to help others-something no college degree can earn
    he is probably more successful then you

    Re 81
    Guest
    Re 81

    You don’t need a college degree to educate yourself on a subject through reading and experience to have an opinion and express it freely. Would you not take the advice of the Rebbe to get married young? Also smicha just means you know some Halacha it’s not a real credential that lets legitimacy to critizing Rav Hecht.

    number 60
    Guest
    number 60

    whats your name /
    your still single?
    i am and would luv to meet you.
    i am chassidishe girl, have a reat job and need a solid frum bochur who is emes not full of bulloly!!

    any advice for those over age 25?
    Guest
    any advice for those over age 25?

    like the BT, or the child of shluchim in the middle of nowhere, who just did not manage to marry in early 20s? Or are they all just sort of irrelevant?

    Silly advice
    Guest
    Silly advice

    I started dating when I was 19 but didn’t get married till I was 27. It doesn’t matter when you start dating or how many people you are willing to date, when your time comes it will come. Not a minute sooner

    cold winter
    Guest
    cold winter

    Think is it possible that he is trying to say that you should want to get married younger because the older you get the less likely you will get married olso the Torah does not promis very one will get married shema yekadmenu acher its all in your hands

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    This has inspired me to stay single for longer.!

    I want my kids to get married later
    Guest
    I want my kids to get married later

    From someone who got married at 19, I will encourage my children to wait until they are at least 22 to think about marriage. I do not regret my marriage but looking back we were just too young. Now I’m 30, we have kids, a mortgage and lots of debt. We both feel we should have never been discouraged from school or pressured to have kids so quickly. Yes, I’m sure some of you will say that no one forced us. But at 19 dealing with family and community pressure I was just a kid, following the classmates down the… Read more »

    When to say.
    Guest
    When to say.

    The Rebbe said Not to talk about shidduchim with their kids unless there was an actual real possibility,because it could
    cause their child unnecessary anxiety.eg ,parnasa etc.

    inf
    Guest
    inf

    where is his counseling training from?
    I just find that this is quite general.
    the young crowd looking for dating also have been questioning their fears in dating, they / we want to know how to detect personality disorders and other potential concerns. personality disorders can make a lifetime of horrors, and it is so difficult to detect. Why is that not being addressed. because this is one of the reasons that we are afraid in this area. #87 has a point too, very valid for us to consider.

    Spending time with friends.
    Guest
    Spending time with friends.

    That’s not more important than getting married at the proper time.

    its foolish to argue with all the rabbonim who signed but i will most certainly argue with how this article was written! Regardless-
    Guest
    its foolish to argue with all the rabbonim who signed but i will most certainly argue with how this article was written! Regardless-

    Someone said something about how the system used to provide jobs (shlichus) and how invention is truly the mother of neccesity. Whoever that was, if you see this, please write an article on col about that- i want to hear more and so do the hanhalos of the schools! If we can create programs where kids are set up financially when they get out of yeshiva/high school, we’d be at a much greater advantage

    A parents perspective
    Guest
    A parents perspective

    As a parent i agree with shea on this issue completely. I didnt always see it that way, but as the children get older, they start becoming more “enlightened” , and that becomes an obstacle to traditional marriage.
    Obviously, as in everything else in life, there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, he is right.

    # 94
    Guest
    # 94

    I am single. You can email me at [email protected]

    #91
    Guest
    #91

    are u speaking for R’ Shea Hecht?
    it looks like you are a student of his and representing him?
    Remember Weberman, self made marriage counselor…
    Victor Frankl, clearly states prior to World War 2, people would ask rabbonim. Today Rabbonim can’t, and some should not give advise without professional degrees, courses, education, exposure to the emtional and physical problems within a marriage. Not a big fan of #81, however he has a point; is the person you are seeking advise have the tools and ability to get results?

    The Rebbe
    Guest
    The Rebbe

    The Rebbe did not make a blanket “rule” for people to marry young. He did however, encourage this for certain groups, eg,
    sefaradim, where it was the custom for their communities. Let us take the pressure off, and be open to Hashems blessings

    #81
    Guest
    #81

    As the author of #81, no hatred in the post, just reality. I have seven children all in the crown heights mosdos. Nobody, I really mean it, gave me a hand to get through college, training, internships, after I got married at 22. I had many issues as my children were born, without help, because nobody could give a damn once you are married. I had no tools, no skills; oheli torah was my primary education, to get a normal job was like a dream. My semicha did not prepare me to the educational world. Myself and my aishes chaiyl… Read more »

    is anyone serious here?
    Guest
    is anyone serious here?

    I dont care how many rebbeim signed whatever.In other groups many very young people do get married and to strangers no less…someone supports them and yes they get to really know one another and right to divorce court!When children play house,they surely start growing older together but they also become wiser and resent the promised lifestyle that becomes misery due to lack of funds,children to support and a marriage made of play and false hopes.Is this what the rebbaim want???This is the Disney channel for the delusional.Look around and look at reality people!the rabbeim are not going to support you.you… Read more »

    to mr/rabbi 60
    Guest
    to mr/rabbi 60

    great blogger…emes

    No 82
    Guest
    No 82

    well said.
    No bashing here please! lets just share to help out children and friends get married to the type thats right for them!Start young if that’s possible & Hashem will guide when its the right time.
    Wishing you all hatzlocha in finding life long compatible spouses.
    Great article.
    Am learning new things everyday.
    Doeas R Hecht do more courses for the ones like me wanting to get this right for my family.

    195os
    Guest
    195os

    many of these comments smack of the 1950s when the Rebbe had to argue with people if there children should go to college and get an education the Rebbe said this is Parohs claim that Vchol habas tichayun to live the culture of a goy the Rebbe should be busy with learning and not worry about parnosah at that stage

    number 94
    Guest
    number 94

    What makes you a chassidishe girl, if you agree to #60. He writes words contrary to Torah and the Rebbe. You can call the Torah and the Rebbe baloney, but don’t call yourself chassidish

    i luv the picture
    Guest
    i luv the picture

    the couple in the picture are the same height and it doesnt matter!!!!!!!!!

    rachmono litzlan
    Guest
    rachmono litzlan

    To all those taking about financial woes.
    Getting married and having a family is what Jewish life is about. Having financial security is second to that!
    Get yourself a more modest lifestyle! Like Jews did for thousands of years.
    Do you not by an esrog because of finances? How about working on shabbos for financial gain?

    Marriage crisis
    Guest
    Marriage crisis

    I believe every situation is different yes age is a factor mauturty of course is an issue unfortunately we live in a very disposable society so we don’t work on our marriages what do except from this generation it’s a sad world we live in.

    CA Shaliach
    Guest
    CA Shaliach

    After reading all the back and forth,does anyone really have a doubt,as to what is The Rebbe’s shittah?Reb Shea is spot on.The Rebbe has clearly refuted every single argument brought up here,one by one.

    hmmmm
    Guest
    hmmmm

    50% of marriages end up in divorce…the other 50% end up in death.
    to 96 There is a difference of letting G-d decide when your time will come and when you decide your time will come.

    number 94
    Guest
    number 94

    What makes you a chassidishe girl, if you agree to #60. He writes words contrary to Torah and the Rebbe. You can call the Torah and the Rebbe baloney, but don’t call yourself chassidish

    # 112
    Guest
    # 112

    There is nothing in comment 60 that is contrary the Torah & the Rebbe. Like many others here, you choose to simply spew unsubstantiated drivel when someones states something you do not agree with.

    #63 Double Standard?
    Guest
    #63 Double Standard?

    Re your buddy “Best Chabad Bochur,” aged 26, who can’t find a 19-20-year old willing to date him, I have one question: What’s wrong with 20-25? Why is a woman in that age-range “old?” Are her childbearing years over? Should she be “put away,” like a piece of furniture? I’m bothered at the one-sidedness. It’s OK for him to be a bit older, but not her? This contradicts your friend’s argument about the need to wait a little before getting married. Maybe the 22-year-old woman (not “girl”) was getting a degree or, like your friend, building up a business or… Read more »

    K'h...
    Guest
    K'h...

    Looks like a shidduch was just made from Col comments ;p

    Number 45
    Guest
    Number 45

    I respect what you wrote and get your message, You go down your road and I will go down mine. Different roads may lead to the same bayis ne’eman b’yisroel, even if the traveler takes a detour. But surely you agree that not all roads converge. Some roads are one-way dead ends with no u-turns allowed. I take offence with the wise crack about an empty can making lots of noise, clearly a put down to the author, alluding that he only has $0.02 (a couple of coins) and he rattles them loudly. That is not nice! Fact is, you… Read more »

    #108 writer of #81
    Guest
    #108 writer of #81

    You sound as if you’ve had a difficult run.I’m sorry!
    That does not give you the right to bash and judge someone else and decide if he has bread on his table …….health insurance….you sound hurtful and very spiteful!Not acceptable.You sound like you don’t like an individual and therefore are looking to be nasty.

    #117
    Guest
    #117

    where does the Rebbe mention these? is there a book out there or something where we can clearly see.
    Thanks

    To # 103
    Guest
    To # 103

    I am # 61 Yes, that secret is called an accredited secular education, K-12. Just like it was back in the 1980s and prior, when I along with 80% of the kids went through the Chabad system that way. It changed subsequently, and now the “Great Social Experiment” (boys aged approximately 25, and younger) will pay the price of that deviation. We copycatted the other Charedi circles in this regard, but as we Chabad are a hybrid, we may feel it sooner/harder. By a hybrid, I mean; no secular education/career counseling, like other Charedim; yet no lifestyle/housing/tuition subsidies like the… Read more »

    To B Real
    Guest
    To B Real

    A s Reb Mendel Futerfas said “The only thing we have left to do is to be real” This is a challenge. I feel the above article was not real. One cannot force 19 yr boys to marry, or at any age for that matter. Also unreal about holidays. Also do things To make life easier for those already married. Also to ask the question (not in a judging way) why many of the young people dont want to marry (for now) ???????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!! There is always a reason and one needs to listen to the youth. Even the single people… Read more »

    Unlearn then marry.
    Guest
    Unlearn then marry.

    I believe that we have to unlearn so much we learned in school before getting married.

    to #29
    Guest
    to #29

    That’s sad, really. My husband and I don’t go on many vacations but when we do, it is the best time. We would choose going on vacation with each other over our friends any time. While I fondly recall my high school and seminary trips with friends, and they certainly were a blast, they cannot compare to the enjoyment and true companionship, fun and happiness on the deepest level that I experience with my spouse. If a marriage is strong, your time together should only enhance and strengthen it and honestly my husband is the first person I think of… Read more »

    to # 45
    Guest
    to # 45

    Umm. Maybe that’s what happened to YOU. That’s such a generalization! I got married at 19 to my favorite person in the world- glad i didnt wait to get married cuz i wouldnt want to lose any time i spent with my hubby! <3 had a baby at 20 , yummy as can be. we both have jobs and here i am at 21, with a few friends married and in the same stage as me and i am loving loving loving it. as for the ones that are not married and act like "teens" as u say- i feel… Read more »

    eye roll
    Guest
    eye roll

    22 year old girls are only old for 19-21 year old boys, who shouldn’t be getting married anyways

    bh.
    Guest
    bh.

    If we do marry young, and without an education and/or a parnasa that is not from parents and not from the state, at least wait a few years before having children. Make a marriage before a baby! Have settled parnasa before the bills of childcare come along.

    Age is just a number.
    Guest
    Age is just a number.

    There is an awesome quote by Mark Twain that reads “get the facts first then you can distort them as you please”. So let us start with facts. First there is no 50% divorce rate nor a lower chance of divorce if married younger. The opposite seems to statistically be true there is a higher chance of divorce if married younger and only about 30% divorce rate which we are continuing to see drop, in the world. There is also this misconception that marriages in America are anything like the ones in movies or major cities like new york and… Read more »

    #23
    Guest
    #23

    I think you should check that comment again! Ha!

    to 126
    Guest
    to 126

    “just like the real days of old”? you may be right that in the days of old people had an honest and respectable living. But a career that needed a secular education? no, that wasn’t the jewish way. You learned torah, then found yourself something that got you a decent living, without making a career out of it.

    CONFUSED
    Guest
    CONFUSED

    #123 DO U AGREE WITH #45 OR NOT???? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!

    if you really want to know what the rebbe says
    Guest
    if you really want to know what the rebbe says

    Read the whole first volume of eternal joy. It can also be found on chabad.org, its very clear that one should marry young and make plans of getting an honest (not necessarily needing a degree) living young

    rivkah was 3
    Guest
    rivkah was 3

    Rivkah emainu got married at 3. should all girls get married at 3.
    No she was extremely mature. and knew what she wanted in life she was capable of standing up to her father and saying this is what she wants. A boy or girl should know their priority’s in life before getting married. for some 21 is that age others 25. etc.

    The Rebbe's love
    Guest
    The Rebbe's love

    The Rebbe is famous for his love of every Jew. If a person is not ready for marriage, we don’t tell them they have to get married cuz the rebbe said. Do you really think that’s what the rebbe wanted? For people to enter into marriages they weren’t ready for just for the sake of his name? This is so twisted. G-d gave us free choice. It’s important that we remember to exercise it. Let’s remember too it’s a different generation. There are frum universities, or online degrees. There are many clean options for young people to get the skills… Read more »

    bh.
    Guest
    bh.

    If we do marry young, and without an education and/or a parnasa that is not from parents and not from the state, at least wait a few years before having children. Make a marriage before a baby! Have settled parnasa before the bills of childcare come along.

    annoynomous
    Guest
    annoynomous

    I think 19 years old is to young to get married you are still in your teens, and you really don’t know what you want, and that’s why the divorce rate is so high because parents are preasuring there kids to get married you should think about your career, because I see a lot of young chassidishe couples on welfare, you got your whole life ahead of you

    cold winter
    Guest
    cold winter

    Ben shmone esrey lchupa if you stand to long you will miss the train if not learning get married save your self from sin

    to no. 115
    Guest
    to no. 115

    of all the articles written here yours is totally offensive.
    You are not even “totally out of touch” with what so many young couples have to go through to just put bread on their table. run more than one job & live a whole family in a basement… it is obvious that YOU stiil live in the “thousands of years ago” you advocate for them…. either that or you are super well-off… wow… your article left me speechless

    to #60 and #94
    Guest
    to #60 and #94

    please let us know if it works and write a nice article on col to tell your wedding story when it will happen imzh. Much hatslacha for both of you and all the singles

    Thanks rabbi
    Guest
    Thanks rabbi

    Rabbi Hecht is very caring honest man. He tried hard to help me get my Get from my refusing ex wife and he must have a life of experience and seen it all. Despite my past trauma I will start early with my children with siyata dishmaya.

    Thank you #61 and #126
    Guest
    Thank you #61 and #126

    The problem is that a bochur at the young age of 22 – 23 isn’t prepared finicially and isn’t mature enough because he has been coddled in Yeshiva all his life never having to make a real life desicion. But it will change its inevitable, the new norm will be to go to Mesivta maybe one year of zal then starting life.

    wow well said
    Guest
    wow well said

    too true

    rambam
    Guest
    rambam

    rambam says that u need to get married young except if your learning torah

    The main thing is
    Guest
    The main thing is

    It’s not even possible to get married at 21 today unless you leave the system. Shlichus is 21 years old, then you have smicha. Like even if i would agree with R Hecht, the chabad yeshiva system isn’t even over at 21. If i marry at 21 I’m drop out.

    Not exactly!
    Guest
    Not exactly!

    Although I agree with the concept of getting married young I disagree very much with the points raised in this article. A. If someone ia not ready to get married that can have alot yo do with maturity and emotional stability that is important for marraige. Time and experience helps us grow even with out taking classes. B. Once you get married you may have more responsibilities and less opportunities to travel and learn new things. And especially if you are blessed with children quickly forget about being young anymore! Life becomes much less flexible when u are married and… Read more »

    NUMBER 33 COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!
    Guest
    NUMBER 33 COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!

    Agree one hundred percent. Well said!

    #131
    Guest
    #131

    all 19-20 year olds are ready to marry, whether they are girls or boys

    Another Planet
    Guest
    Another Planet

    How does a young married couple of “19 and 21” get a “head start”. All very nice and hunky dory, but isn’t Rabbi Hecht just missing out a few little issues here, like rent, bills, food, babies. Sorry,irresponsible advice coming from a Rabbi.

    To 13478
    Guest
    To 13478

    I totally disagree with u! How could you say such a thing??? Chutzpah!!! Married with Baruch Hashem three gorgeous children and I’m only 19. My husband is thirty and we are very younge and get along great. Kudos to rabbi Hecht!!

    Is There A Financial Solution?
    Guest
    Is There A Financial Solution?

    How do other Chassidic groups manage to marry young and support large families? Crown Heights raises a lot of money for weddings and wedding gifts to help start the home. Could more of the money go to the couple and less to the wedding? But its not all that much. Seminary is a ridiculous amount of money. Its a great experience but it should be considered a luxury not a necessity. Or, to be fair to the girls, the seminaries that are really just for the experience, should have 3 semesters a year of 3 months each. The girl can… Read more »

    The main issue is
    Guest
    The main issue is

    That yeshiva ends at twenty years old. Not so long ago, 770 was a real yeshiva and bochurim would learn there until they git married. Often they would start learning there at a young age -somewhere in their late teens. Now the shlichus system has destroyed the yeshiva, causing bochurim to be literally kicked out of yeshiva at the age of twenty, when they are getting married around twenty three (I don’t think it’s possible to tell people when to get married). In addition, the Israeli kvutza program did a good job of destroying the yeshiva for good (before the… Read more »

    HELLO. WE NEED ANSWERS.
    Guest
    HELLO. WE NEED ANSWERS.

    This article has interesting points but very POOR to OUR concerns, they SHOULD go through all the comments and REWRITE this article. Both sides have very strong points. Looking at a married person strains of an uneducated person that is not mature, makes me say such a person should wait, and in a serious sitiuation to seek assistants. On other hand its true that marrying older means a bigger chance of being not frum, and being less flexible, but it also means more educated etc.. Obviously if mature by a young age and know you’ll have a job then get… Read more »

    To #42
    Guest
    To #42

    So why are so many people who thought that’s exactly what they were doing getting divorced somewhere down the line? What I hear from them is ” He/She isn’t the person I they were when I married them.” Or, “Well, I’m not the same person I was when I got married.” The bottom line is that maintaining a happy permanent relationship is something that requires effort no matter what the age you are when you enter into that relationship. I will agree, though, that it’s generally easier for younger people ( and I don’t mean 18 year olds fresh out… Read more »

    Reb Sholom
    Guest
    Reb Sholom

    Education is the act or process of acquiring or imparting knowledge or skills, especially at a school. It can also refer to the knowledge or skills acquired by this process, as in “level of education,” or to a particular kind of instruction or training, such as “physical education.” “To educate” is synonymous with “to teach.”

    Education is the cure for ignorance. Members of an educated society are less likely to believe in myths, woo, and pseudoscience.

    fact!
    Guest
    fact!

    fact is the Rebbe wants bochrim leaving from yehiva to marriage and not from college to marriage

    Reb Sholom
    Guest
    Reb Sholom

    Education is the act or process of acquiring or imparting knowledge or skills, especially at a school. It can also refer to the knowledge or skills acquired by this process, as in “level of education,” or to a particular kind of instruction or training, such as “physical education.” “To educate” is synonymous with “to teach.”

    Education is the cure for ignorance. Members of an educated society are less likely to believe in myths, woo, and pseudoscience.

    To #160 a Fact is....
    Guest
    To #160 a Fact is....

    Our values and the rebbe also want us to have many children and put our emunah in Hashem to not worry about parnassah. But when you walk your five, six, seven, kids to the door of the cheder and they demand $10, $15, $20 thousand PER CHILD in tuition fees and DONT CARE if you dont have it something is SERIOUSLY BROKEN with the system, that is the fact. Thats why many realistic bochurim are seeing the realities of what the real costs of raising a frum family today and are scared to make a committment to marriage, and we… Read more »

    Brains
    Guest
    Brains

    Have you read the data? 50% includes all marriages. First time marriages are at 29% in the us lower then the 30% rate among Jews found by the Orthodox Union and the Barna Research Group. Also atheists, who get married later, have a much lower divorce rate of 21% in total.

    X