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Saturday, 25 Av, 5780
  |  August 15, 2020

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Is It Just Cold Feet?

From the COLlive Inbox: 3 close friends in the past 4 weeks opened up to me about their Shidduchim. All 3 had just ended dating whoever they were out with, and I recognized 3 common denominators that they all shared. Full Story

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very true!
March 3, 2019 6:42 pm

B”SD

very true! both factors are exactly what’s needed! i have many friends in shidduchim as well, and watched with my own eyes these 2 things being the issue that could’ve helped them

yes to number 17!!!1
February 20, 2019 1:57 pm

take off your blind folders

yes 80 percent of guys are not innocent and so are girls.

but they have different drives as we all know .
the Bochurim are not innocent , and have seen it all as have many wonderful older men..
WE LIVE IN VERY VERY DARK TIMES
DECEIVING TIMES…
they are not hungry
when you are hungry you eat and are not fussy
IT is a world wide problem not just in Chabad, not just with Bochurim …..
who is going to spill the beans…noone!!!!!

#17
February 18, 2019 2:17 pm

Is this really what the average frum guy is thinking?
If so, please don’t take a girl out until you deal with the addiction if that is the level it has come to. Struggle is natural, but addiction is not. Your spouse cannot heal you and your future marriage will be much more successful and wholesome if you take care of yourself first.

Thank you! . Comment 38, 41
February 18, 2019 9:53 am

I have read every article and almost all their comments till they stop. I never learned anything new till this one. I’m very excited in fact because I learned 2 new things. Here they are: Comment 38 points out how guys and girls are more comfortable with each other today. While this isn’t true for everyone, or all bad for those that is true for, it’s a very accurate point. I believe this is connected as well to what alot of young people are up to on social media. I say young people like I’m a bubby but I’m a… Read more »

There is an organization that helps out with these issues
February 18, 2019 8:50 am

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad has helped many bochurim and women through the dating process with advice clarity and helped them navigate the dating process as well as married life after. Feel free to reach out to her at adaiad.org, she is an amazing woman with a clear and open mind who understands today’s issues.

For Female's
February 18, 2019 2:32 am

if you go to findamashpia.info, there are qualified Mashpios to talk to, and one experienced in this subject is listed under Shidduch advice.
Hatzlachah Rabbah!

To number 38
February 18, 2019 12:33 am

You mention a good point about Girls and bochurim sharing too much information with their friends. I’m involved with Shidduchim and this is so true. I mention a Name to someone. He doesn’t want to meet her because his friend told him he met her and saiid something not so nice about her so now I should date her? In truth, if it’s not good for you, then it’s probably a good idea for your friend. But if you tell your friend (especially if you make the girl sound bad ) and now your friend won’t date her, your ruining… Read more »

Please stop shaming
February 17, 2019 10:16 pm

Please stop shaming innocent minds and hearts. It is very difficult to say ‘no’ during the Shidduch process, and feeling judged makes it excruciatingly difficult or impossible to say no at a point where it doesn’t feel right for you.
We live in a dark time and we need to strengthen our trust in Hashem that he set us on the path that is for us and will meet our bashert in an auspicious time. Please support and honor the process sans well-meaning advice. Thank you!!

2-3 month dating is the issue
February 17, 2019 10:15 pm

When dating lasts 2-3 months, it’s very easy to lose focus and are there only to have a great time and not serious

Crucial
February 17, 2019 8:50 pm

I am BT and my shadchan and Mashpia (shlucha who was mekarev me) were really crucial throughout my dating process. My Mashpia talked me through my nervousness/ butterflies/ questions and helped me come to The point of me making a very clear, sure decision. Going through a shadchan took so much pressure off and I’m grateful I didn’t have to deal with those unknowns my secular friends deal with all. The. Time. The shadchan truly guided us, gave helpful tips and was warm and gracious.. BH my husband and I got engaged after 7 dates.

The real problem
February 17, 2019 5:49 pm

Biggest problem is gezhe thinking they’re better and not allowing their kids to marry “down”. I know of a gezhe pedophile and even he wouldn’t want his kids marrying a bt family – after all that would just confirm that he screwed up. When couples meet on their own, most of these supposed barriers disappear!

To 27
February 17, 2019 5:03 pm

My son got engaged recently bh after 4 dates! It doesn’t have to be a thing of the past.

To 41
February 17, 2019 4:43 pm

Very refreshing perspective, but it’s important to note of where that idea can go wrong. Firstly, there is an infinite amount of self work a person can do. There is also no perfect person. So it’s certainly important to have the input of an objective party, and have them weigh in, to determine whether or not this self work is crucial to be done before committing to a marriage, or if it can be done after marriage. In all of the Rebbe’s letters that I’ve read on Shidduchim (and I’ve read many) you find next to none instructing the individual… Read more »

To#16
February 17, 2019 4:21 pm

That is a legitimate reason to break off a Shidduch. He’s talking about times where there is not single reason, other than ‘just can’t take the leap’, just don’t feel it for no reason…. attraction is critical in a Shidduch of course

It's not that simple
February 17, 2019 3:24 pm

As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I wish I could agree that the authors suggestions would fix the issue. Although consulting with a mashpia, a good shadchan and maintaining tznius are all good ideas, they do not target the central problem. The main problem is that for most people brought up in the frum world our first serious relationship happens during dating.Relationships are not black and white and to create a healthy relationship one needs to be healthy themselves. For some people they work on themselves during their marriage with their spouse. But for many people they cannot “commit”… Read more »

Chana Rachel Schusterman
February 17, 2019 3:16 pm

This is so true. People who are dating need to keep the Shadchan involved. Also having a Mashpia is very helpful. As you quoted, “Things just became too much mentally and emotionally for me to be able to move forward”. People need guidance in order to have mental and emotional clarity while meeting for the purpose of marriage. I have been a Dating Counselor for many years. I guide individuals to know how to date. During their dating, we find how to clarify each individual’s process. I hope each person finds the way that works best for them to discover… Read more »

Get a dating coach
February 17, 2019 3:09 pm

Personally that is what worked for me

To #27
February 17, 2019 2:53 pm

Before Gimmel Tammuz many couples did date more than 3 or 4 times before they decided to get married. I believe there are 2 main issues now. 1- is that bochurim and girls are much more comfortable nowadays with each other when they meet initially so they go out and really enjoy each others company, but never speak about real life. It is most important to speak about real life and opinions on how you would like your home to be, raise a family, hashkofos, interfamily relationships and more. It is fine to disagree, you have to be able to… Read more »

#31
February 17, 2019 2:27 pm

Sounds like u could use a mashpia & a Shadchan………

May we hear MT...
February 17, 2019 2:22 pm

Enjoyed the article
Very positive and informative.
May we hear many MT!!

31: Please take heart!! Don't give up!!!
February 17, 2019 2:11 pm

There are many, many geirim who met their zivug, and married them! I should know: I married a ger. Please do whatever you have to do to bring your spirits and positivity up: write gratitude lists every day; keep davening; do chesed; read books or watch videos that make you laugh. Stay away from naysayers (especially if the naysayer is a shadchan)!!! Read Chovos HaLevavos, Shaar HaBitachon, a little every day. Go to the OHEL often. Network, network, network! I beg you: You will soon find your zivug! And having children is totally up to the eibershter: I married at… Read more »

Friend
February 17, 2019 2:06 pm

Mendy Mentz is a legend. I Always use him for advice. Keep the truth shining and let the world go in the proper path. Kudos to you, Mendy.

A FRUMER YID DOES NOT "DATE"
February 17, 2019 2:01 pm

Maybe if we’d approach the matter from the very beginning with more AIDELKEIT AND FRUMKEIT it would turn out just fine.
When we approach one another as my “DATE” (the chutzpediker expression of the goyim) and not as a “MEETING” (where we don’t play games with each other, kipshutoi uchemashmaoi), things don’t always turn out to be right……
A little advice and lesson of how our parents did things is not so ‘NAIVE” after all!

EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN JOURNEY: BUT
February 17, 2019 1:33 pm

The comments here all seem to find individual cases of why the system didn’t work for them.

Doesn’t take away from the amazing clarity offered by this article.

TAKE THE GOOD AND APPLY IT TO YOURSELF.

I like how this article stays clear of any negative points and sticks to what matters.

hate still is what chabad is about
February 17, 2019 1:30 pm

What about the gerim that can’t even get a suggestion I think these articles are written to remind me now I am so unwanted and will never experience the chance to have children because frum Jews believe it’s a mitzvah to hate me

Already mentioned. Worth saying again:
February 17, 2019 1:22 pm

Read “Eternal Joy” (alll 3). Better earlier than later. These are the Rebbe’s words and they’re eternally relevant, important and necessary!

The main issue is at the core
February 17, 2019 1:19 pm

I think it all starts with the problems in our chinuch system the way it is today. The fact that you have a bunch of people who don’t mind sitting around until they’re 30 years old so they can party up wouldn’t of hapened In the past. Etc etc there are many issues but It’s time to rethink chinuch as a whole and rethink our chinuch system in Lubavitch and crow heights specifically

To number 17
February 17, 2019 12:49 pm

Your 💯 correct about what you wrote regarding that aspect. I would like to add onto what 17 wrote, and that is, that as a Lubavitcher who lives in CH, I as a guy do not feel like I have a place in the current system / mechnism because of the fact that I would not fit the example of a good Lubavitcher bochur I’ve had about 20 shidduchim come up for me and 19 out of 20 all said no to me. Why they said no to a guy like me who doesn’t come from any bad family or… Read more »

Was so different before 3 tammuz
February 17, 2019 12:45 pm

People would go out just a few times and then write the rebbe for haskoma.
No one went out 3 to 4 months.
People got engaged after 3 or 4 dates.
Looks are not the main point of suitability but sharing same hashkofa on building a jewish home based on torah should be the main issue

Another point
February 17, 2019 12:42 pm

Not related to the article, however, Shidduchim would go a lot smoother if parents (especially the “gezhe”) would recognized that their children are the ones actually getting married.

On paper simple
February 17, 2019 12:27 pm

In real life people have issues and baggage that make things turn out messy.

To #21
February 17, 2019 12:22 pm

Regarding point #2, that is in no way an across-the-board requirement. In numerous dating relationships, the parents’ (usually the mother’s) excitement/investment puts an added heavy strain on the person dating.

G-d bless parents, but having that constant pressure during the dating process is a VERY easy way to tip the scale to the “this is just too much to deal with” side.

Moms, you know how much you’re loved, but please keep your ideas about your lchaim dress and wedding logistics to yourself while your child is deciding whether or not they want to marry the person!

Thank you for this
February 17, 2019 12:16 pm

Truth. It. Is. I disagree with one small point but it does not change either of the 2 practical pieces of advice you suggest. And I believe this article could somehow use a THIS IS TALKING TO YOU sign. For all those guys and girls who haven’t yet started the process and think it will be easy to “just know” … please. A mashpia is a must. And a shadchan is a little more than useful. The article perhaps should’ve also shown the general approach to the MASHPIA “concept” as well as how to go about “finding” one;) – Instead… Read more »

Exellent
February 17, 2019 12:10 pm

The best advice i’ve ever read 4 shidduchim !

Very important points!
February 17, 2019 12:04 pm

Thank you Mendy for making some crucial points! Another two very important points I would add. 1. Your Mashpia from Yeshiva/Sem may not be the best person to guide you through a complicated dating episode. Just knowing you well, and knowing the Rebbe’s Hashkafa is not always enough. When things get complicated, you want to have a person who understands people, life, and more specifically dating and relationships to guide you through the storm. This could be in the form of a an experienced relative, a dating coach (there’s some great ones out there), or even your own Mashpia if… Read more »

@#16 great points made
February 17, 2019 11:49 am

The writer is assuming that all shadchsnin are professional who have spent money and time learning checking or other human behavioral courses.

And don’t forget besides the official 10-20 shadchanim I’d say more then 60 percent of marriages were not set up by iofficiel Shadchanim so what help does it have to have them stay “[email protected] when they have no clue how to deal with this issue.

So how to we reconcile this issue? And Mashpia, what experience to they have dealing with such complicated sensitive feelings emotions? Did they attend special courses ?

Please advise??

To #16
February 17, 2019 11:47 am

WHAT YOUR SAYING DOES NOT NEGATE THE VALUE IN THIS ARTICLE?????? THE WRITER IS JUST SAYING WHAT CAN HELP IN MOST CASES. HATZLOCHA ON YOUR FRIENDS JOURNEY!

Shadchan
February 17, 2019 11:44 am

As a shadchan, I agree with you that dropping the shadchan in middle is often harmful. I must add though, that although a Mashpia is very important, when asking a Mashpia for advice, one has to make sure that the Mashpia is knowledgeable in this area. Because if they aren’t, they may not have the best advice in regards to shidduchim. I wish we would have experienced “Mashpi’im” just in this area to help us. There are coaches but they charge money and not everyone is ready to pay the high price. I’d like to add that “cold feet” is… Read more »

Girls, This is what is REALLY holding the boy back!
February 17, 2019 11:43 am

These 2 points are basic things and im surprised that we need a whole article to keep telling us simple teachings of the rebbe. But the main thing holding them back is The anxiety of how will they suddenly leave go of the addiction they have to “shmutz” on the internet.??? They asking themselves how can I get into a marriage with this person when i still have all these crazy images in my mind…..so why do they start dating? Cause they think that this beutiful girl will miraculously just remove all those crazy images from the mind and when… Read more »

Disagree
February 17, 2019 11:31 am

I think the author of this article is a little naive to believe that everything was perfect and they just weren’t ready for commitment. I know someone who dated a girl and nothing was wrong per se, but he just wasn’t attracted to her, so he said no. Did he tell the shadchan that? Of course not. No one wants to sound shallow, hurt the girl, and burn bridges with the shadchan.

WOW! Great Article!
February 17, 2019 11:29 am

Thank you so much for sharing this advice! Bless you!

I wish I knew
February 17, 2019 11:16 am

So true. If only I had someone to tell me this when I was dating. I couldn’t prevented so much heartbreak and wasted energy. Spot on.

Great article
February 17, 2019 10:37 am

I completely agree with this author, he needs to write more. It is definitely a conversation that needs to happen.

Very good advice
February 17, 2019 10:35 am

Not just have a mashpia
Listening to her / him
Following the Rebbes advice first and foremost.
Best foundation for a happy chassidishe marriage

A Must Watch
February 17, 2019 10:35 am

More about this mashpia/shadchan idea there is a awesome video by Rabbi manis friedman about this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdhnP7MvvWo&t=333s

Change the shadchan
February 17, 2019 10:24 am

Don’t drop a shiduch unless you have strong feelings that it’s not right.
If you’re unsure, stop seeing/communicating with each other for a few weeks and see if you feel relief or if you keep thinking about the other party.
And if you are not comfortable with your shadchan, it’s much better to change the shadchan, than to drop the shidduch
And read Eternal Joy. It will help you find clarity.

Use A Dating Coach!
February 17, 2019 10:17 am

Use a dating coach to help you navigate through any dating questions you may have. Email [email protected] to schedule a phone session

Great Advice!
February 17, 2019 10:15 am

Would like to add-
Extremely important to use a Shadachan and have a Mashpia
that really knows YOU and will offer guidance/ advise that is truly in your best interest.

Bsuros Tovos and Mazal Tov to all!

Sigh.
February 17, 2019 10:11 am

This just happened to my friend and another friend of mine a while back (girls). They couldn’t/can’t shake the feeling that they lost their chance with their bashert. The guys ended it with “I like you but somethings holding me back…” so painful.

Agreed!
February 17, 2019 10:00 am

Wow this was so informative and true!

Practically
February 17, 2019 9:58 am

Very good and clear points you bring up. I have one practical question though: how do you find this mentor or mashpia if you don’t have one? What if you don’t know of anyone you feel open discussing uncomfortable concerns with?

A must read!
February 17, 2019 9:54 am

Wow!
So informative and true!
You should give classes on this topic!

People, get your dancing shoes ready! There will be more simchas than ever!

Agreed
February 17, 2019 9:46 am

From experience I say I agree with the above.
Talk to someone about it and use a Shadchan.
Hatzlacha and much Simcha’s

Beautiful and really important
February 17, 2019 9:43 am

Thank you for sharing!

TRUTH BOMB!
February 17, 2019 9:35 am

Crazy this just happened to me!

Its so true how these 2 things would have helped me.

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