Is Basic Sensitivity Too Much to Ask For?

By Chani Vogel

It starts around Chanukah time. “I am applying to ___.” “I hope I get in.” “What are you doing for your summer plans?” “Which Yeshiva do you want to go to next year?” “What seminary do you want to go to??”

I sent my son to an out-of-town Yeshiva for Mesivta this year. As a newbie who was unfamiliar with the process, I naively applied. First, I did my research. I started by asking mothers of boys in Mesivta, where they sent their boys. I wondered if they were happy and why. I called my son’s Rebbi who knows these things. I asked a lot of questions. I asked friends, I asked relatives, I asked strangers, I asked mechanchos. Then I went to Empire Kosher. Mommies thought they were coming for their groceries, I had my requisite shopping cart and my groceries inside, but I was on a mission, and milk and eggs were not part of it! I needed more information.

All in all, I asked about 80 mothers where they sent their boys for Mesivta, why, and if it was working out. Armed with my carefully culled information, my husband and I applied to the yeshiva that we felt would be best for our son.

And then the waiting game began… The parsha of being accepted to the yeshiva I wanted him to go to started in earnest. There were 80 applications and 18 beds, according to the rumor mills. And I waited. And then I waited some more. I get that if there are 4 times the amount of applications as there are beds, it will be a very hard decision by the mechanchim. Finally, the acceptance letter came. We were so excited! We jumped up and down with happiness and ran to the Ohel to thank the Rebbe for this wonderful opportunity that my son would have. And herein lies the problem.

When my son was accepted, we got the letter in the evening, when my son had already come home from school. As a family unit, we could rejoice together! But what would have been if he was not accepted? Well then, we could sit and process the disappointment together as a family. My son would have been around his parents who love him and care about him, and we could break the news to him gently, with hugs and love.

Let’s juxtapose that scenario with what I have seen in school. The girls apply to seminary. The school asks nicely, please send your acceptance letters AFTER school hours, when the girls are home. Last year, a seminary sent out their acceptance letters a little after 9 AM on a Friday morning. True, the girls should have been in school, but some girls came late, and 2 of them found out that they were accepted. They were so excited, as they should be! They got accepted! But then what happened? Some girls heard and ran to the office to call home to find out if they were accepted.

By the time the school realized what was going on, the damage was done! You had girls sitting and crying in the hallway or valiantly fighting back their tears (they were rejected) and then you had girls squealing their delight all in the same hallways and classrooms. The girls who could not get through to their parents or got to the office after the office stopped the phone calls home were so stressed out waiting to hear their verdicts.

Just this week the scenario repeated itself again. I was in school and someone found out that her mother got an acceptance email to the camp of her choice. Immediately girls found ways to call their mothers. You had girls jumping for joy, as other girls stood there biting their nails. How hard would it be to send out the acceptance letters as much at once as possible, and schedule them to go out AFTER school is over? The WhatsApp with the excitement would start, so all the girls would know to ask their parents to check their emails. But for those unfortunately who are rejected would be surrounded by love and their safe space of home to process the disappointment. Wouldn’t that be so much nicer? The pain we are causing our teenagers is insane, unnecessary and irrevocably damaging!

It makes sense that not every single applicant will get accepted. Accepting and rejecting our precious children, comes with so much responsibility that I can not begin to imagine how these heads of seminary, yeshiva, and camps sleep at night. I really get that.

The Shluchim who run the camps and the schools are good people. We know that, but something so basic is overlooked to a shameful degree. The answer is so simple. It would be laughable if it were not so sad. All you have to do is send the emails AFTER school is over for the day. Sometimes, it seems impossible. It is Erev Shabbos. What can you do? So Google has a feature to schedule when you send out your emails. Anyone who understands a little IT can help you schedule the emails. You will save the face of so many girls and boys. You will allow them the privacy they need in their disappointment. The rejected boy or girl will be in their safe space when it happens. As Lubavitcher Chassidim, we have a Rebbe who modeled ahavas yisroel and ahavas habrios. Don’t you think it is prudent to learn from the Rebbe?

Don’t get me started on the waiting game. Does it need to take 4 or 5 months to accept or reject our boys and girls? When the schools and camps finally roll out their acceptance/rejection, it is too late to make a plan B. We apply for yeshivos around Hey Teves. Why do the acceptances come around Lag B’omer?

You know some can afford to apply in a few places and are not afraid to lose their deposits, but most of us are not financially capable of applying to multiple camps or schools for all our children. So we apply to the one we want most. And then our kishkes start to turn over, and we begin the sleepless nights, and tears-soaked pillows routine. Where is basic ahavas yisroel to all of us who are waiting with bated breath? How many of our youth become so disheartened in the time that it takes for the schools or camps to reject them?

This is not about putting down these mosdos. This is about raising the bar on the sensitivity side of things. We need to do more for our teenagers. Mosdos heads, most of you have large families and love your children dearly. Can you feel for a minute how they would feel if they were rejected right in front of their peers? Watching the needless pain of a teen who is rejected and finds out between most of her accepted friends is so tormenting. I watched this unfold twice. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, OY!! It hurts to write this, but I believe good things can come from it. Together, we can empower our youth and strengthen them in loving and safe environments for the real world.