Bullying by children and adults – Who Bullies? Who Gets Bullied? How Should It Be Handled? Why does bullying happen, and who is most at risk? How should victims respond, and what are the best ways for families, teachers, and community leaders to intervene? How should the bullies themselves be dealt with?
A new episode of the Halacha Headlines podcast held a discussion about bullying by children and adults. It was hosted by Rabbi Ari Wasserman, author of “Making it Work” and a Maggid Shiur in Jerusalem.
The guests were:
Rabbi Yitzchok Berkowitz – Rosh Yeshiva of Aish HaTorah
Rabbi Menachem Mendel Gluckowsky, Rov of Chabad in Rechovot and Vice Chairman of Vaad Rabbonei Chabad in Israel
Dr. Rona Novick, Dean of Azrieli, Clinical Psychologist and expert on bullying.
AUDIO: Download
Every educator and rabbi should listen!
Bh Excellent podcast
Every person should listen and a course instituted in schools on Bein Adam L’Chaveiro
Adults too need to understand Halachos, and not remain quiet while someone is bullying by spreading lies about someone else — especially in divorce cases where one spouse pays off Rabbanim and alienates child/children against the other. Something must be done
Very informative but doesn’t really address situations where the victim instigates the bullying. Sometimes the bully has a side to the story. The victim has violated a boundary and the bully doesn’t know how to deal with it. He knows one thing; he doesn’t want this individual to be his friend. Maybe someone has an answer to what to do about the kid who isn’t being bullied simply for being different or who is an easy target but who is putting other classmates, bunk mates, dorm mates, etc in an uncomfortable situation.
It is never ok to bully anyone under any circumstances
Then give kids the tools to handle it or intervene. Some kids help themselves to other kids belongings and the kids whose stuff is taken don’t know a “nice” way of dealing with it. Some kids don’t want to include kids who are “tattle tales” and curry favor with teachers by getting other kids in trouble. How should children handle that?
All bullies blame the victim. The victim triggers them. The victim incites them. The victim deserves it. It’s always the victim’s fault. When these bullies grow up, they use the same logic to beat their wives and kids. They triggered him. They incited him. They deserved it. When you defend and justify the young bully, you are conditioning an adult abuser.
There’s more than one type of bullying victim. One type hasn’t done anything to anyone but may be odd or annoying in a way he or she can’t control. Another type of victim instigates by deliberately doing something to cause others to reject him. Think about your adult friends. What makes someone your friend and what makes you less inclined to show friendship? Kids are thrown together all day every day with all types of kids. How would you advise kids to handle a friend who behaves inappropriately in a way that is hard to deal with? Remember some kids… Read more »
Is the answer to beat up the child who is “odd” or “annoying”? Or, even worse, get everyone to call him names (after all, “weirdo” fits, no?)? Or, pressure all the classmates not to be friends with him? Because YOU find him “annoying”, so let’s destroy him? Step on him and crush him like an “anniting”bug! To you, that is justified?! How about if I find YOU “annoying”, is it okay to get the entire shul to ignore you, mock you, and call you names?
I am talking about a child who’s classmates or bunk mates consider him annoying. True bullying is when that child is no threat to anyone but is easy to pick on. It’s really not where a child is purposely aggravating other children. I NEVER said that bullying was ok. I asked a question about how to teach kids to deal with classmates who don’t respect boundaries.
Suppose I find YOU (the adult) “annoying”, can I organize all the shul members to shun you and make fun of you? Can I beat you up because I decided you are “odd”? Let’s role play: You know, you are crossing boundaries and get in my face when you say “Gut shabbos” to me in your weird voice. You put out your slimy hand when you say “sholom aleichem”. YOU don’t respect boundaries when you sit near me in shul. Find another table, loser. And when I am at the kiddush with my friends, you’d better not be there! And… Read more »
As an adult, you can avoid me and as an adult, you can understand why it’s problematic to instigate the congregation against me. This topic is about children learning how to deal with these annoyances without bullying. Do you have any contact with children? Did you listen to Dr Rona Novick? Do you agree that some children are more likely to be targeted than others? Do you agree that it’s possible to help those children? Do you remember almost a year ago when a parent published an op-ed about her child being excluded at camp and numerous posters who saw… Read more »
Adults and children who are annoyed cannot bully. period. If adults or children are annoyed by someone, they cannot hit them, beat them. spit or bite them, destroy their property or cause them emotional harm. It’s basic mentchlichkeit. Even if they are very annoyed! Is this concept beyond your ability to understand?
It is obvious that if someone is annoying to most ppl they have something going on in their life that is causing this. They may be a victim of abuse, past trauma, they are emotionally impaired. Like the saying “Hurt people, hurt people ” While this individuals actions are not appropriate or acceptable, we need to foster our children (adults too) to not retaliate in kind. The individual who is as you say “instigating ” needs help not isolation and harsh treatment. … as it says in Perkei Avos “Al Tadin es chavercha ad shtagia limkomo” we can never judge… Read more »
Some mesivtoss have a culture of bullying. The hanhola is often very aware of it, as in ******************, but looks away and tolerates it. The older boys bully the younger, the younger bully their classmates, and when the younger become older, it’s their turn to bully the newbies. It has got to stop! And the hanholas are to blame! In mesivta xxx, the “seniors” of Shiyur Gimel treat the juniors of Shiyur Alef like dirt. They push them out of their way in the hall or even on the stairs. A boy was picked up and dumped in the garbage… Read more »
Please post what school this is. Protect future kids!
To Tomim: You must expose such a mesivta and let other parents know to beware of the horrors that occur there. Parents need to know! It is not loshon hora but hatzalas nefoshos. To keep such information away from the public’s knowledge is “lo sa’amod al dam rei’echa”. Parents have a right to know, and you are obligated to expose the information! It can save a life, quite literally! You have no right to protect the reputation of such a mesivta that is destroying bochurim – both the victims and nebech the bullies, that are taught that such benavior is… Read more »
Please share the name of the Yeshiva so parents can be aware!! We can’t solve a terrible problem if we don’t know it’s going on!! This could be Pikuach Nefesh.
Even though we don’t know the full story,
Is there anyone this Mesivta can answer to?
Anyone in the higher-ups (outside of the Mesivta) that could intervene? Rabbinim, community leaders, etc,?
It is unnecessary to say which Yeshiva … Bottom line all Yeshivas should have a Mashpia panel that hears cases of bullying and talks to both victim and perpetrator of bullying and possibly involve the parents for a younger student.
We cannot turn a blind eye. If we want to have children who grow up to be emotionally healthy we must work on teaching emotional regulation skills from both sides… (building self esteem and other areas of trauma)
R’Izzy Kalmenson has a book on this topic and he works w schools
what does Rabbi Zalman Shnuer say on this as he leads the largest chinuch org today in Lubavitch
Yomin, please share the name of the Yeshiva so parents can be aware!! We can’t solve a terrible problem if we don’t know it’s going on!! This could be Pikuach Nefesh.
Schools/Parents. Children model the behavior they see. Over the years I’ve seen countless nameless articles. Everyone refuses to name names, so the cycle of abuse continues like a machine. It’s time for parents to vote with their pockets and find alternatives. We see homeschool and alternative education trending because parents have had enough of a subpar and borderline abusive education. I chose to pull my kids out of Chabad school and never live it down with my family. In Florida I see a lot of former CH’ers sending their kids to the modern schools. Even in the parks, when they… Read more »
Modern parents should send their kids to modern schools. It avoids the confusion of telling the kids mixed messages. Sending kids from modern homes to a chassidish school is a recipe for disaster.
I am truly saddened to hear that bullying in Chabad Schools is the norm. I cannot accept this generaized Lashon Harra /Motzei Shem Rah If this is a real issue, then we are in real trouble ch”v How can we bring Moshiach? Bullies have problems. They most likely are victims of abuse and as you say repeat what is being done to them. They have low self esteem. They cannot practice loving another and being kind because they dont love themselves…. what happens when these bullies (victims of abuse become adults? If they dont get help sadly they repeat the… Read more »
A few young people are no longer with us as a direct result of bullying. Death was their escape. Many others are gone as an indirect result, after they abused substances to numb their relentless pain, to escape from the horrors they experienced. Bullying is abuse. And abuse is abuse, no matter what kind of abuse it is.
Bullying is a leading cause of DEATH among youths. How would you feel if your child is causing classmates to get Cancer? Heart disease? That would make your child a “ROTZAYACH” (a killer). Bullying kills many more youths than cancer and it breaks more hearts than heart disease. To protect privacy and further pain, it isn’t publicized or talked about, but it is very real.