By Chana Y.
He strokes his uneven beard. His eyes appear huge from the glasses that magnify his brown eyes. He’s 5’5″. Chassidish and kind.
“I want to get married,” he says.
I believe him. I really do.
“How about her?” I point to a name – as in a person. A person with feelings, and a kind warm heart.
I go on and describe this young woman.
He sounds interested.
He wants a picture.
She doesn’t make the cut.
He walks home alone.
She lives three blocks away.
* * *
She’s on a strict diet.
She’s working hard and says she wants to have a family. I know she does.
She looks at the profile.
He’s too short. His salary is below average.
Her mother agrees.
“He’s kind, patient and family oriented,” the shadchan tries; no one’s home.
And then we say, here’s the clincher: “All I really care about is if he or she is kind and nice to me.”
“… and smart, easy going…”
* * *
So many couples say it took them time to adjust to their spouse’s looks, and only became attracted to one another after a few dates. We hear this time and again, and we believe that love takes time to nurture.
Yet, we all have that name that keeps coming up, and we say no because we can’t picture ourselves married to ‘that’ imperfection.
The Frierdiker Rebbe once asked an older bochur in yechidus why he was not yet married.
The bochur pulled out of his pocket a list of qualifications he was looking for in a wife.
The Frierdiker Rebbe looked at the list and plainly commented, “this list describes someone who is perfect. Being that you are not perfect yourself, you should disregard the list.”
Shortly afterwards the bochur got engaged.
A lot of time, the boy doesn’t understand that when a girl says no, it actually means yes… And when she says “its fine” it means its not fine…(if she said it’s ok, it means its ok, she said it herself!!!) And then, the girl doesn’t want to go out again, because the boy doesn’t “understand” her..
No body is here to explain the boy, the girls language,
And nobody is here to explain the girl, that the boys don’t understands (yet) all the girls code words…
Riches come and go…again listen to your children-let them make their list of must-haves, after all, they will be living with their spouses and hopefully not you. Not a laughing matter! Only wishing you simchas and nachas with all things good!
After a lot of thought and reflection I have decided that I would indeed take a shidduch from anyone of those backgrounds I mentioned that I wouldn’t , but ,only if they are really really wealthy. Being that the economy is so bad at these times I really shouldn’t be so picky. So proud picky mother welcomes BT, Zefardi, French, English , Russian , SA,Australian, English, CH, gezer, blah blah ….rich shiduchim to join our happy family !
Thanks for taking me so seriously.. I had a good laugh!
Hashem has a way of making us see the beauty of every Jew. Perhaps in these turbulent times, you might like to try to imagine that every Jew has great value. We are meant to see each other with an Ayin Tov. I hope you merit to see the good in every Jew through good and happy experiences, and not Chalila, any other way. Food for thought: the precious angles who passed away in the brooklyn fire, were from a Sephardic family (zephardi?!). I wish they could have merited to grow up, and I would have felt so lucky to… Read more »
Are you marrying a picture, or are you marrying a person?
You say “asking how attractive… is wrong” do you think asking for a picture is asking how attractive someone is? Have you ever bought something online? Yes, I’m sure you have many times. Now, have you ever bought something that didn’t have a picture? Why not? Why couldn’t you just read through all the descriptions and details and decide if its what you need or not? A picture is a 1000 words. If there’s no picture then your mind will make one for you and you’ll get it wrong. When you see a pic, along with the description then you… Read more »
I think pictures should be eliminated from profiles.
first get all the info, if the person sounds normal and good midos then you go out once or twice, if you still don’t feel any attraction then you could say no, but asking how attractive the person is even before finding out midos is just wrong.
Ma, is that you?
Is what we would like to fulfill in ourselves but haven’t achieved. The list could be unrealistic. Get real.
What a laundry list of ‘no-nos!’ I think that your expectations are far-fetched. Spend more time connecting with your kids wishes and needs as far as a shidduch is concerned. You’ve just cut-off most of the Jewish nation from your potentials list. I fear you are going to be rather hard to please. I’d be afraid to set my child up with yours solely based on your expectations. You are one tough customer. I wish you the best of luck!
I met a girl. I didn’t particularly find her attractive. She’s sweet inside but very awkward. I had to date her father and meet her mother before I could even see her. Everyone at the yeshiva wanted me to marry her because she comes from money and this group lives poor and likes to pretend they study all day which by my opinion and standards they do not . Her parents don’t help her with money, and they kept her from going to college because she might have become corrupted by the process… She is now 36 and depressed to… Read more »
I can’t believe I forgot to motion the obvious… NO Australians
( too far ) or South Africans( way too opinionated)!!
I like the idea of a Europian background , father a successful businessman , so that’s what I will be looking for .
Oh and what do we have to offer ??
ME as a mother in law 🙂
I’m a few short years iyh from marrying off kids and I feel strongly that I don’t want BT, nor Gezer, I don’t want Israeli, Russian or South American , wouldn’t touch from CH, English doesn’t apeal nor does French, zefardi is the biggest NO NO , As is someone from a broken home , medical condition, I have a few more things too( how are u going to support my daughter etc) u might think I’m being picky , which I’m obviously am but to say I’m making things hard for my children ,now THAT I disagree! I’m just… Read more »
What about Yichus. Doesn’t Yichus Count? Why does that not come into the equality of a shidduch. I think that as much as you push that issue aside it always pops up.
great op-ed – but also have to comment on the beautiful artwork! can you post the name of the artist?? 🙂
LOVE THE ART!!!! EPHRAIM WUENSCH!!!!
sometimes you do have to give a person a chance. i personally think its way out of hand these days. a boy CAN settle with a girl that isn’t size two.
Very nice, but that is not what the author of this OP-ED stated. The author wrote that the guy saw a picture and didn’t like her. No, he does not have to give it a “chance” if it’s not what he’s looking for. If he doesn’t like brown or blonde hair, then so be it. She does not have to give a “chance” to a guy who is short and stocky if it’s not what she is looking for. The Torah has nothing against a man or woman marrying the person with the looks they like. Take your “but they… Read more »
EVERYONE who actually does get married makes a switch in his/her thinking or expectations. The others who are so convinced that they deserve this or that remain, tragically, single, or settle for some-one MUCH different from that perfect individual they were looking for
PERFECT!!
#19 writes
“The point?
Everyone is entitled to marry the guy/girl they like…”
Yes, you are entitled to (and you should only) marry the person you like.
But if you don’t give yourself a chance to see if you like the person, if you reject the person (for a minor or superficial reason) before you even meet, then it makes it much more difficult to find the person that you like.
Money comes & goes, people get older & look different, shlichos or a career may not work out, but kindness, empathy, lack of temper, a positive nature and a genuine ability to put another before yourself are vital and priceless. Use your research questions to establish basic mentchlikite & lack of narcissism – unfortunately, these are usually very good actors / actresses – you definitely can’t be sure that you will be able to “see” these problems on a date – so don’t be shy to ask as many people who know the potential shidduch in different situations as possible.… Read more »
Perfect or perfect for you
you’re so right!
(and an older single girl by any chance?)
That’s a very DANGEROUS suggestion. you are setting families up for failure if you pressure kids to make the wrong choice and they do it because they are young and vulnerable.
The reason is because of the gap between reality and idealism. If you happen to meet someone in real life, then you meet them as a person, you see the WHOLE person and get to know their imperfections as well as their true unique values. When talking to a shadchan you’re essentially just reading the specs of the ‘product’. You really have no choice except but to match the specs of one card to the other. (unless you have no choices) (I find it funny that in the made up scenario the shadchan doesn’t show a picture at first. As… Read more »
If you do not have some sort of ‘list’ – even just a general idea of shlichus, funny type of personality, whatever, then what? are you supposed to go out with every ‘nice’ person suggested to you? Every person is described as very ‘nice’, ‘kind’, will make a good wife/husband etc. If that is the only requirement, then the singles end up having to date 50 people and they get burnt out and cynical. There needs to be some sort of filtering in place to bring a likely match to the person, aside from ‘he/she is single, chabad, and willing… Read more »
Is perfect 🙂
how about this. how about if your old enough to marry you should be old enough to support yourself. how about you are not playing house. how about your a grown up and have to take care of yourselves your spouse and kids. instead of pie in the sky and snorting at “working boys” how about kudos for some ambition responsibility and actually not expect parents to support married children. should grandparents support their grandchildren too, after all if the parents don’t make a living how will the chain continue? foundation? are you kidding me? the logic of supporting grown… Read more »
Everyone is entitled to marry the guy/girl they like. If you disagree with this then build a time machine and go back 200 years to a shtetl where marriages were completely arranged from age 9.
Do we know what list the bocher showed the Frierdiker Rebbe
I agree with you 100 percent
KI SETZEI: WHEN IN LOVE, THINK TWICE. By Twerski, Rabbi Dr. Avraham “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.” (Deuteronomy 22:10). Chinuch explains that the two animals pull at different rates, and one or both will suffer. Chinuch explains that this applies to human relationships as well. Two people with conflicting personality types should not become partners in a business nor in a marriage. A farmer who is eager to get his plowing done may overlook the fact that pairing an ox with a mule will result in harm to the animals, and the loss will… Read more »
I feel many times that a Shadchan pressures me to go out, just for the possibility of them making a commission. They don’t know me, they don’t know the other side, it’s as if they picked 2 names out of a hat and want it to move forward.
that is 100% not true. in any way shape or form.
A lot of singles don’t have a mashpia, and agreeing to go out with someone with “imperfections” is hard for their ego. They need someone to look at them objectively and say, “there is enough potential here for you to go out”
Great point, well written!
I like the way it is written. I think whoever wrote is probably the perfect women.
love the art!!
The difference between marrying someone perfect or imperfect is that one you see their imperfections before you marry them and the other you only realize after. And even if each person seems perfect, there will always be differences that will show up at some time that will at some point seem to make the match imperfect. Marriage is about adjusting to life and joining with another person that is different than you regardless of when those differences will show up. Surprisingly , the things you thought would bother you might not at all and other differences will. So take the… Read more »
Love all your ART but this one in particular is FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if anyone who fits the description of the people described in the article owns a mirror.
And also,in Lubavitch, the kiss of death is if you ח”ו describe someone as “quiet”.
It’s bizarre.
Rabbi Manis Friedman says to the girls “look for your husband, not just for nice guys.”To the boys he says ” Don’t go out to meet nice girls, go out to meet your wife.”” Which boils down to mean – When one is looking for their spouse, one is not sure what he or she will be all about, It’s basically on G- ds list. YOU may not want a redhead, but if Hashem has predestined you to marry a redhead, you will. So yes, throw away your lists – of ALL your maalos and ALL the maalos of the… Read more »
…the girl whose profile was rejected one too many times has now becomes “older.”
Because of her age, we label her picky.
In truth, she hasnt met enough people to be actually picky.
All because her profile doesnt make the cut.
Its a vicious cycle.
imperfect cannot marry perfect, only in the case of the marriage between G-D and the Jewish People
true. everyone has maalos and chesronos.
At 18-20 years old you are not looking for a degree or a salary …. The problem that a lot of parents can’t afford to support such young families for couple of years to give them good start of college and part time job , and help them with the babies …..
Someone must find /organize fund /foundation to support young families with low cost /affordable housing , affordable college education and child care and maybe combine college /collel with a job /parnosa ….
i see this artist keeps on popping up…like