by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute. www.adaiad.org
Q: Why should I even consider dating someone who has a medical condition? Shouldn’t I date someone with a perfectly clean bill of health?
All marriages have a certain amount of ups and downs. No matter how healthy the spouses were when they got married. In your life, it is going to be something; no one can predict the future. It’s about how you deal with whatever life (Hashem) dishes out to you.
Health is a very important issue. However, it is only one of many important issues married couples have to deal with. As you move through the ups and downs of life, you’ll want a strong, supportive person at your side.
Most people who have dealt with illness in the past or live with chronic conditions are incredibly tough (in the good way) and caring. They appreciate the people around them and everything in their lives. Most live life more fully and richly, and have strong priorities in life. (Unless, they don’t. But that is what dating is all about, to find out about each other.)
It is also important to keep this in mind: Health issues can come to anyone at any point in life. You can discover a latent health condition after you get married.
We can’t possibly predict what will come down the road, but the things that usually never change are the middos, level of kindness and compassion, and intelligence.
Before dismissing a possible shiduch, listen to all the qualities of the person. Does that person seem compatible to you? Do you share life values and goals? Will s/he be a supportive and caring life partner? And then become educated about this particular health concern and the way s/he is dealing with it. You might speak with your own physician, a Rofeh Yedid; however, some general practitioners do not know much about how some of the more nuanced conditions impact the patient. You can also reach out to one of the many (Jewish) organizations that can be contacted for real life education/ knowledge/ information on various conditions and how they pertain to Shiduchim. Additionally, it would be worthwhile to have a conversation with someone who has and/ or lives with someone who has the condition, to gain a real life insight about day to day reality.
Should I date someone with a chronic medical condition?
Many conditions are easily managed, and do not impact daily life. They take a pill in the morning, maybe another at night. Some might have to watch what they eat, or carry an insulin kit and measure their food. Or go to the bathroom more often. Small things. Really. (Some conditions are indeed more complex.)
Such a relationship is really not much different from many others. A few minor tweaks and everything is just fine.
That said, getting back to your question about dating someone with chronic medical condition. It depends on several factors. Most importantly – YOU. Relationships in general are really about weighing what you can live with and what’s a deal breaker.
Some are concerned about passing on that medical condition to their children. Indeed, some conditions might be hereditary, many are not. Become educated. At the same time, some personality traits are difficult to live with and those seem to be passed down through the generations. Also, know that most children inherit some issue from their parents.
Some people are worried about how much care and support they will have to give to the one with the condition? That again depends on so many factors. Become educated, and ask. At the same time, there are many other aspects of marriage where you have to support each other. A spouse who travels for work. A spouse who has to care for ailing parents. A spouse who is going through work changes.
Another legitimate concern is fertility and pregnancy. Again, become educated. Many conditions do not impact having children.
This is a whole person; not a diagnosis. Do not miss out on a wonderful person, possibly your bashert – based on your lay person misinformation, ignorance or biases.
Some may ask: “Life is indeed hard, why should I walk in to a situation that is already hard?” If that person loves you, supports you, cares for you – as you are…. If you can laugh together as you work through the hard times … If you can enjoy each other’s company … If you can help each other accomplish dreams and goals…. Then you’ll have a happy and successful marriage. Even if you do spend more time at the doctor than others.
Should I date someone with a mental disorder?
Just because someone is diagnosed with a mental disorder does not mean they can’t be in a normal, happy and very functional relationship. Many accomplished people have some level of mental disorder, and you wouldn’t know it. You may miss a chance to be with an amazing person in an amazing relationship because of the stigma of mental illness.
Is it the diagnosis, the label of the condition that is disturbing to you? Or how the person conducts their lives? Firstly, be aware that there are many people without a diagnosis of mental disorder – but actually do have diagnosable psychiatric issues; they have just never submitted themselves to a psychiatric evaluation. Many people.
Additionally, there are some personality traits that are more annoying or intolerable than a mental disorder. It really depends on the individual and the specific issues.
That said, getting back to your question about dating someone with mental disorder. It depends on several factors. Most importantly YOU. Relationships in general are really about weighing what you can live with and what’s a deal breaker. What are your thoughts around mental disorders? There will be triggers that will make it worse or better as you experience life’s ups and downs; are you prepared to deal with the lows? Are you flexible and adaptable?
As far as the other person: It depends on the specific condition and level of severity and frequency. Probably the most important thing to consider is whether s/he admits that s/he has this condition and is committed to sticking to a path of treatment and can manage the condition well with medications, diet, therapy and the like. There are others who don’t. (Some people with mental illnesses are in denial or refuse to persist with treatment. Which makes for a nightmare for those close to them.) This is a whole person; not a diagnosis.
Their coping skills can also be a factor. If they neglect their illness, or cope by taking drugs or alcohol, or take their feelings out on others, then it’s not ok. But those problems are not exclusive to people with mental illnesses anyway; anyone can fall into bad habits like that.
Some people may have a more mild mental disorder, which emerges every now and again, the frequency of which is only once or twice a year. The rest of the time, all is normal. Others can be more severe and can impact daily life. Find out more about the severity of the disorder of this particular person. This is a whole person; not a diagnosis.
It’s not about the condition, it is about the person who happens to have a condition.
P.S. If you have a medical condition, it is best to share about it relatively early. It displays a sense of confidence and that you have a handle of the situation. It is much more concerning and not fair to present this huge thing after the relationship has really developed. No matter what advice you get, don’t delay in sharing!
There are many (Jewish) organizations that can be contacted for real life education/knowledge/ information on various conditions and how they pertain to Shiduchim.
Please share the info of the organizations you have been in touch with. You can email to [email protected]
As a student of physiology I clearly see many people who meet criteria for a variety of disorders.
However, they just don’t seem to recognize something is going on know or just hesitate to seek help.
If someone knows what he has and decided to do something about it good for him!
Unfortunately you will never find someone with personality disorders acknowledging any type of diagnosis.
Having some illness can happen to anyone, at any time, you are almost guaranteed. I was perfectly healthy, with a highly nutritious diet and exercise, and ended up with cancer. Even my doctors did not believe this possibility when I brought it up, until I was almost gone. I spent much time in different hospitals listening to terrible stories on how a person and family life turn overnight. The chance of developing cancer is 1 in 3. Add other illnesses and it is practically guaranteed to have so kind of serious or mild but chronic (meds stops it from becoming… Read more »
I agree with # 18. I detest how so many people in the community make your business their business. If I reject someone because of a diagnosis, it’s NOB (None of your business). “Just be careful as Hashem runs the world but to gein in a kreinke bet mit a gizunte kop?.”
I had a friend who had Lukemia, One time I was talking to him and mentioned that he is going to be living in remissions for the rest of his life. He responded “Everybody lives in Remission”
btw, no. 20 liking is a pretty flimsy basis for marriage. respect, trust, devotion, common values and vision, THEy will ensure a strong marriage.
Marry Him/her.
Who cares?
Health, ok, makes sense, but if it can be dealt with, why dump a seemingly great match?
Thanks for publishing such a well written article ! Hope singles will take to heart !
marriage is hard. It has a lot of ups and downs. adding illness to the equation is a mistake. If you are a perfectly normal person why look for problems. Problems will come and happen in life without starting out with it. You never know what food combination will interact badly with the medication. you don’t know how a pregnant will effect the person. How about stress at home or work? Yes anything can happen after marriage . But why start off with problems. Of course all of us have issues and conditions. So if you do then find someone… Read more »
Would you say that the potential date should know about the medical issue before dating? Or can it wait until a few dates in?
This a great write up the author makes some important points. Though these concepts are quite obvious to me it seems many in the Chabad community aren’t as “progressive” (for lack of a better term) when it comes to accepting others that are a bit “unique”. When it comes to Shidduchim this ghetto mentality comes out in all its glory. While the rest of the world has become more accepting of those with unique health handicaps;It is interesting to observe the Frum communities adapt to the new age of transparency and social media by becoming more insular and unaccepting of… Read more »
I don’t think the author was referring to parents you have had negative experiences with. If you know the parents and would be really uncomfortable with them as machatanim, it’s legitimate to say no to the shidduch. I think she meant rejecting a shidduch because the parents are “not our type” or from a different background or “don’t have as nice a house as ours,” use plastic tablecloths on Shabbos instead of linen, etc. If the parents are good, decent, mentschliche people and their child would be a great match for your child and bring your child happiness, it’s crucial… Read more »
To # 6 I agree with you. I was raised by a mentally unhealthy parent who refused treatment I fear the day she finds a match because it’s likely one will know until it’s too late. Mental Health is a big deal and it’s important that the person is seeing a therapist, and on medication if necessary. Secondly about medical conditions, I was healthy thank God when we first get married but after my last baby I developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, from stress, a bad cold and a c-section, so health challenges can come to you any time in… Read more »
To know the exact condition. Also one type of disability or form of mental illness doesn’t necc match up with the same or similar problem. Dr advice and guidance is necc and being informed is obligatory. If subject a has a particular form of illness they are not advised to marry someone with the same illness but rather match up with someone having something unrelated. Then iyh the children if they wish to start a family will be safer. This needs exploring.
There Is one mental disorder that is different than the rest. That is narcissistic sociopathic mental disorder. In fact very sadly someone with a mental disorder is at risk and vulnerable to abuse from a sociopath.
I don’t agree with the remark about parents of the prospective girl/boy being unimportant. An well meaning shadchan suggested a match for my child who is 24 without consulting me first. I know her children are lovely but I had a bad personal experience once with mother herself . I do not want my child involved with this family under any circumstances. If her child is not happy all the time will she then blame my child or media to the fact she gravely misjudged me in one particular insident? Certain family issues unrelated to the girl/boy themselves sometimes warrant… Read more »
This was a very interesting and positive piece,blessings to make good choices, and happiness.
One of my children married their spouse knowing that the spouse has a significant medical condition. BH it hasn’t impacted their marriage or family at all. That said, not all conditions are manageable and not everyone can do it. Another child rejected a possible match because the other person had a severe squint. It sounds petty, but my child said eye contact is very important and a squint would not be something they could ignore and get used to. We have to be open-minded, but also open-minded about our children’s opinions and feelings. I can say this, though…if there is… Read more »
There are many other medical conditions besides mental conditions. One can have diabetes or may have gone through an illness such as cancer as a child. It can be a chronic heart condition dealt with medication or a seizure disorder.
Wise and insightful. I was especially struck by the observation: “some personality traits […] are more annoying or intolerable than a mental disorder.”
The article is not correct
Before dating the mentally ill person should obtain professional advice treatment and help
It is unfair to enter the shidduch parsha to cause pain and ultimately harm financial and other to another person
This made so much sense
thank you
Another point I’d like to add to parents, you are not looking for a son/ daughter in law who suits you, you are looking for a husband/ wife for your child. They are no always the same thing but you have to be open minded about it. Keep in mind that their happiness is far more important than money/ yichus/ what the neighbors will say or what you yourself think your child wants (it may not be) etc.
don’t throw away a shidduchim because one of the parties is a couple of more years older , you never know what will click..
Marry someone kind. The Rebbe said it many times. People told it to me countless times. I second guessed it and thought other things were priorities. Thank the good Lord I married someone kind. So many issues in marriage come from people not getting along. If you get along, everything else will be easier. Oh and BE kind yourself. You can do it later, or after 20 years, or in therapy, but why not start early? Work in your marriage, in life — is learning to be like the Eibershter; בחסד וברחמים.
For this very important article.
We should all become more open minded and accepting.