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Monday, 1 Adar II, 5784
  |  March 11, 2024

Date a Person, Not a Diagnosis

Should you consider dating someone who has a medical condition? Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad Institute responds. Full Story

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Student
April 12, 2018 9:41 am

As a student of physiology I clearly see many people who meet criteria for a variety of disorders.

However, they just don’t seem to recognize something is going on know or just hesitate to seek help.

If someone knows what he has and decided to do something about it good for him!

To #12 Personality Disorders
April 11, 2018 11:02 pm

Unfortunately you will never find someone with personality disorders acknowledging any type of diagnosis.

It is not If but When
April 11, 2018 1:56 pm

Having some illness can happen to anyone, at any time, you are almost guaranteed. I was perfectly healthy, with a highly nutritious diet and exercise, and ended up with cancer. Even my doctors did not believe this possibility when I brought it up, until I was almost gone. I spent much time in different hospitals listening to terrible stories on how a person and family life turn overnight. The chance of developing cancer is 1 in 3. Add other illnesses and it is practically guaranteed to have so kind of serious or mild but chronic (meds stops it from becoming… Read more »

You date a person not a diagnosis - It's a personal decision
April 11, 2018 11:43 am

I agree with # 18. I detest how so many people in the community make your business their business. If I reject someone because of a diagnosis, it’s NOB (None of your business). “Just be careful as Hashem runs the world but to gein in a kreinke bet mit a gizunte kop?.”

You have to make sure you are compatible
April 11, 2018 10:20 am

I had a friend who had Lukemia, One time I was talking to him and mentioned that he is going to be living in remissions for the rest of his life. He responded “Everybody lives in Remission”

important and healthy article
April 11, 2018 5:55 am

btw, no. 20 liking is a pretty flimsy basis for marriage. respect, trust, devotion, common values and vision, THEy will ensure a strong marriage.

If you like him/ her
April 10, 2018 9:07 pm

Marry Him/her.
Who cares?
Health, ok, makes sense, but if it can be dealt with, why dump a seemingly great match?

Great article!
April 10, 2018 7:08 pm

Thanks for publishing such a well written article ! Hope singles will take to heart !

saw it all
April 10, 2018 6:17 pm

marriage is hard. It has a lot of ups and downs. adding illness to the equation is a mistake. If you are a perfectly normal person why look for problems. Problems will come and happen in life without starting out with it. You never know what food combination will interact badly with the medication. you don’t know how a pregnant will effect the person. How about stress at home or work? Yes anything can happen after marriage . But why start off with problems. Of course all of us have issues and conditions. So if you do then find someone… Read more »

So having been there ..
April 10, 2018 5:37 pm

Would you say that the potential date should know about the medical issue before dating? Or can it wait until a few dates in?

Great piece
April 10, 2018 5:33 pm

This a great write up the author makes some important points. Though these concepts are quite obvious to me it seems many in the Chabad community aren’t as “progressive” (for lack of a better term) when it comes to accepting others that are a bit “unique”. When it comes to Shidduchim this ghetto mentality comes out in all its glory. While the rest of the world has become more accepting of those with unique health handicaps;It is interesting to observe the Frum communities adapt to the new age of transparency and social media by becoming more insular and unaccepting of… Read more »

To#11
April 10, 2018 4:10 pm

I don’t think the author was referring to parents you have had negative experiences with. If you know the parents and would be really uncomfortable with them as machatanim, it’s legitimate to say no to the shidduch. I think she meant rejecting a shidduch because the parents are “not our type” or from a different background or “don’t have as nice a house as ours,” use plastic tablecloths on Shabbos instead of linen, etc. If the parents are good, decent, mentschliche people and their child would be a great match for your child and bring your child happiness, it’s crucial… Read more »

Agreed
April 10, 2018 4:09 pm

To # 6 I agree with you. I was raised by a mentally unhealthy parent who refused treatment I fear the day she finds a match because it’s likely one will know until it’s too late. Mental Health is a big deal and it’s important that the person is seeing a therapist, and on medication if necessary. Secondly about medical conditions, I was healthy thank God when we first get married but after my last baby I developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, from stress, a bad cold and a c-section, so health challenges can come to you any time in… Read more »

Important
April 10, 2018 3:31 pm

To know the exact condition. Also one type of disability or form of mental illness doesn’t necc match up with the same or similar problem. Dr advice and guidance is necc and being informed is obligatory. If subject a has a particular form of illness they are not advised to marry someone with the same illness but rather match up with someone having something unrelated. Then iyh the children if they wish to start a family will be safer. This needs exploring.

sociopaths are different
April 10, 2018 2:44 pm

There Is one mental disorder that is different than the rest. That is narcissistic sociopathic mental disorder. In fact very sadly someone with a mental disorder is at risk and vulnerable to abuse from a sociopath.

Dont agree
April 10, 2018 2:36 pm

I don’t agree with the remark about parents of the prospective girl/boy being unimportant. An well meaning shadchan suggested a match for my child who is 24 without consulting me first. I know her children are lovely but I had a bad personal experience once with mother herself . I do not want my child involved with this family under any circumstances. If her child is not happy all the time will she then blame my child or media to the fact she gravely misjudged me in one particular insident? Certain family issues unrelated to the girl/boy themselves sometimes warrant… Read more »

thank you
April 10, 2018 1:37 pm

This was a very interesting and positive piece,blessings to make good choices, and happiness.

Been there
April 10, 2018 1:35 pm

One of my children married their spouse knowing that the spouse has a significant medical condition. BH it hasn’t impacted their marriage or family at all. That said, not all conditions are manageable and not everyone can do it. Another child rejected a possible match because the other person had a severe squint. It sounds petty, but my child said eye contact is very important and a squint would not be something they could ignore and get used to. We have to be open-minded, but also open-minded about our children’s opinions and feelings. I can say this, though…if there is… Read more »

To #6
April 10, 2018 1:32 pm

There are many other medical conditions besides mental conditions. One can have diabetes or may have gone through an illness such as cancer as a child. It can be a chronic heart condition dealt with medication or a seizure disorder.

Excellent!
April 10, 2018 1:12 pm

Wise and insightful. I was especially struck by the observation: “some personality traits […] are more annoying or intolerable than a mental disorder.”

Wrong
April 10, 2018 12:57 pm

The article is not correct
Before dating the mentally ill person should obtain professional advice treatment and help
It is unfair to enter the shidduch parsha to cause pain and ultimately harm financial and other to another person

Wonderful article
April 10, 2018 12:57 pm

This made so much sense
thank you

Another point if I may
April 10, 2018 12:50 pm

Another point I’d like to add to parents, you are not looking for a son/ daughter in law who suits you, you are looking for a husband/ wife for your child. They are no always the same thing but you have to be open minded about it. Keep in mind that their happiness is far more important than money/ yichus/ what the neighbors will say or what you yourself think your child wants (it may not be) etc.

Same goes with Age
April 10, 2018 12:42 pm

don’t throw away a shidduchim because one of the parties is a couple of more years older , you never know what will click..

Kindness
April 10, 2018 12:16 pm

Marry someone kind. The Rebbe said it many times. People told it to me countless times. I second guessed it and thought other things were priorities. Thank the good Lord I married someone kind. So many issues in marriage come from people not getting along. If you get along, everything else will be easier. Oh and BE kind yourself. You can do it later, or after 20 years, or in therapy, but why not start early? Work in your marriage, in life — is learning to be like the Eibershter; בחסד וברחמים.

Thank you so much
April 10, 2018 12:07 pm

For this very important article.
We should all become more open minded and accepting.

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