By: Leah A. – (a Shidduch Influencer) & Yehudis Bluming
As Chanukah approaches, we show appreciation to our children’s teachers, Rebbes, babysitters…
Yet, have we ever thought about the shadchan that gives endless hours of her voluntary time to help your child find their bashert?
The Shidduch process is a very intense, delicate, and sensitive time for parents and children. A time when real rejection is sometimes felt for the first time in our children’s lives, which often comes with hurt feelings. Because we are so wrapped up in that “zone”, we sometimes forget to give Hakaras Hatov to the people working hard for us, helping us through this process- the Shadchanim. Whether it be an “official Shadchan”, a “Coach” or a friend, they are all spending their own time because they care.
Each name suggested is helping your child get one step closer to their bashert. Her time, energy, and patience deserve to be thanked.
Beyond Chanukah gelt and thank you notes, there are so many people during the year that are part of the shidduch journey.
Sometimes it’s one person and sometimes there are a few people part of the process.
1. The person that suggests a shidduch?
2. A shadchan carrying it out?
3. The shidduch coach aiding and guiding the single during the process.
How much is appropriate to give these dedicated women when the couple goes out yet nothing comes about? And better yet-
When a shidduch does work out, how much should each of these people in the process be getting?
What is the appropriate amount to give each one of these people in 2022?
We spoke to over 15 Shadchanim over the past few weeks and posed these questions to them. Here is a combination of their responses, thoughts, and compilations.
In addition to the responses we received on how much is suggested to give, we also got a lot of responses on how to give it :). Please, give it with dignity, before or at the L’Chaim, with a card. Don’t wait until the wedding, take the time to show that you appreciated the hours spent. Don’t make her/him chase you, it’s your Brachos! The Rebbe was very into ensuring that you give Shidduch Gelt for the couples Brachos.
*Hundreds of dollars go into the actual Chasuna, how much would you spend to pay the person who made this all happen?
I humbly share the feedback from shadchanim, let’s show the unsung heroes how much they deserve and change the tide by putting these women on a pedestal.
1. When the shidduch didn’t come to fruition:
When setting your child up on a date- they went out on more than 3 dates, but your child doesn’t end up getting engaged to that person, a thank you note with $100-$150 would be appropriate for the shadchan. You are merely paying for her energy and time, and you don’t want her to get burnt out (she will want to help you more in the future when she sees Hakaras Hatov).
2. When the shidduch becomes a Mazal Tov!
To the person that “came up with the idea and name” they didn’t do the actual back and forth, but the couple got engaged because of the suggestion, an appropriate amount of gratitude is $180-$360. (the same amount applies if you used a friend as a coach to guide you step by step through the process)
To the Shadchan gifts, chocolates, flowers, or cash every few months during the journey …in addition
When the shadchan that had the zechus of carrying out the shidduch average – $1,500 -$1,800 from each side is the appropriate amount in today’s day in age. (to be given at the L’chaim, and if you can give more, Kol Hakovod.
The deep appreciation and thanks go to all our hard-working shadchanim, and shidduch influencers that are there wanting to help our single friends Daily. We as a community thank you from the bottom of our hearts! HaShem should bentch you to merit to dance by the many shidduchim you will continue to be making!!
Wishing you all a Happy Chanukah with only simchas to share together.
My wife and I were paired up through Mrs. Toby Lieder and were each told to give $2,000. Trust me, if it’s the right one you’ll never think about that money again, whether a parent is paying for the child or you pay for yourself. I recently read a story about one of the two current Bobover Rebbes, don’t recall which, where he asked about a certain couple who were childless after a number of years, whether they had both paid the shadchan. When it was determined that one side had not yet paid, (or had forgotten), he directed they… Read more »
Perhaps once the Shiduch actually goes through then you have a point, BUT nonetheless, they need to be mindful of people who can’t necessarily afford it… and especially can’t afford to give everyone bringing up a suggestion…
Of those who can’t afford
Yet why are they the single piece in the marriage puzzle that needs to be the first to have their fees dismissed
Try it with the orchestra
With the flowers
Is this article an advertisement for this Shadchan?
While this article is nice may I please point at two things? 1- As it is the whole tipping business has gotten out of hand. Basic food such as eggs has sky rocketed. The already “suggested tips” put a financial strain on people who did not get a raise ( most people) and are already struggling. So why are we adding another “accepted practice”? To create a sad situation where there are bachurim or girls that can not give “gelt “and then they are spoken about in the “Shidduch House?” This is a ridiculous idea. 2- A shadchan that makes… Read more »
100%
This is totally nonsense. There’s no connection between chanukah and shidduchim. No need to add such “norms” to an already expensive time of year.
Says Chanukah is a time to ask for Shidduchim
100% the Shadchan deserves and should be paid. Why the stress on the night of the lchaim? Are they equal to a vendor you may never use/speak with again? The Shadchan is a person you trusted the emotions and time of your most precious asset (your child) with. There should be mutual understanding that within a week or so the Shadchan will get the money they deserve.
It’s insane to have these suggested amounts for “Person who suggested the Shidduch”. Many people are having a hard time making a basic wedding who decided these amounts ? Each person can do what they feel and know is right to the person who helped them move on with their future.
And give the Photographer and the Caterer whatever you feel
My shadchan came to the mini lechaim asking for her money right then and there. Imagine my embarrassment when I tried explaining I don’t have that kind of cash in my basement to give her and to please wait for my parents to arrive. Maybe the shadchanim can discuss that also. We applaud you and appreciate you but there definitely can be more tact involved when many girls and boys are from out of town.
Maybe we should start giving all Hatzolah members as well, it does not end.
Show hakaras haTov. Definitely !! These men (and women – Ezras nashim) answer the call at any hour. Don’t wait for Chanuka or Purim.
Shadchonim do
Pls don’t compare
🤣
That was funny
I have been saying we need to do this for years
Thank you for bringing this to our attention!
Shidduch influencers have brought so much awareness to the community! Thank you and keep it up
I completely agree! shadchanim should and need to be compensated and paid. On the flip side, it would mean so much for the parents who are relying on (begging) these shadchanim to please answer a text, what’s app or phone call. We appreciate your time and effort. Please don’t ignore our messages.
I think you should be able to hire a shadchan, pay an hourly or monthly fee. The current way is like real estate, they get paid for results…. the process can lose importance, iykwim.
Yes!
אמת ויציב ונכון ןקיים
Engagements unfortunately break off occasionally, and the parents already wasted a lot of money on the lchaim in the case of a broken engagement. If they don’t make it to the chuppah then the shadchan didn’t close the deal. I know you can say the same about a divorce, but once the ring is on the finger it’s up to the couple. The shadchan may still be involved after the lchaim until the wedding.
Just because an engagement broke off doesn’t take away the Shadchan’s time and energy. Do you collect money back from the florist, or the hall you did your Lechaim? Sadly that’s part of the loss.
Wishing only simchas by all
Move on!! You mad a “Shiduch” between 2 people you dont even know. You got your shadchonis gelt whatever it was and live on
This encourages the Shadchan to make more shidduchim for others when both sides take care of him/her. Its money well spent!
So true this is done all over the Frum world. It’s not a tip to shadchanim it’s the only normal thing to pay someone dedicating hours and hours of their time.
In the other Frum communities a shadchan gets thousands more!!!
The world of Shadchus is way below minimum pay
If they are Lucky They make 20K a year
It’s embarrassing the way they are treated..I mean mistreated
to complete the analogy, if you are comparing the “earnings” to that of a full time worker, a full time worker works 40 hours per week every week of the year and only gets a few weeks off, and some full time workers (myself included) work overtime in a busy season without get paid extra. now if you are comparing to a part-time worker, then the hourly rate is more relevant, and the comparison should be made that way. if a shadchan does get paid $2,000 from each side for a total of $4,000, and if a rate of say… Read more »
Please sharpen those pencils. Even if a shadchan gets $2000 a side, (which she should get but is lucky when she gets half), she can have a dry spell of 4-5 month of not making even one shidduch, yet still working over 100 hours a week. Your cleaning ladies make at least$1500 a week for those many hours. a week with no shidduch is $0. 4 months with no shidduch is $0. 4 months making $1500 a week (like your cleaning lady would make if she worked as many hours as the shadchan) is over $25,000. That’s how much a… Read more »
I wish I had a shaddchan that worked hours. I’m 31 I’ve yet to see it.
I’d pay deny money to a shaddchan that worked hours to try and help me. Who are these Shaddchanim that are working? I don’t know about them.
No one is saying to just pay a shadchan randomly the article is talking about if she made your shidduch or spend many hours setting you up on few dates. I hope when you get engaged iyh you would pay your shadchan as much as you would pay for your flowers at the Lechaim. Or your necklace you got at your Lechaim. Why do we think the person who made this whole event should get thrown a dog of flowers and chocolate ?
here in England we give a toaster or a blender maybe a new Chala dekewl ?
For completing a Shidduch ?
I think there needs to be a fundraiser, just like schools, mikvas, hatzalah and so on.
The singles are dependant on volunteer Shadchanim which is really hard on both of them.
do you think most people have hundreds of dollars laying around to hand out what happened to caring about one another the shadchan gets money as discussed when you start working with them every other person involved does not need to get money, you want to write a card or give a small something as a gesture, fine, but it should not be lchatchila expected. If I suggested a shidduch and it went through, (and I was not the shadchan who dealt with the couple through the process), I would be sooooo happy for the couple. The last think on… Read more »
Big talker on others expense. I’m sure you go to work and get a salary. Easy to say where have we come to on others expense. Shadchanim can’t pay their bills with chocolates! If you are a business man it’s a simple formula. Invest in the shadchanim and you will have more incentivized inspired ppl helping OUR OWN CHILDREN!
They are talking about giving money to people that suggested a shifduch for example, not the actual shadchan who ended up spending the time with them as the couple went out
Chanukah gelt is about chinuch.
It has nothing to do with shidduchim.
Tip whenever you want, but please don’t make this part of standard chanukah gelt.
Chanukah gelt is for children and for teachers. Not rabbis, friends, neighbors, coworkers, sheitel machers, drs, etc etc etc
What is Chinuch only learning another possuk. Teaching your kids hakoros hatov is a huge part of Chinuch. You are not TIPPING SHADCHANIM You are giving them what they deserve!!
While I agree if the shadchan is actively looking for you , actively doing a job they deserve to be paid like a job but often they take money to just meet you and then nothing comes of it. They don’t answer or if they do they say I wish I knew someone. I don’t get paid if I don’t do my job why should they
Since when does a Shadchan work voluntarily? Also $1800 from each side is a little steep!
Today 14 year olds are paying 5/600$ to rent gowns for their siblings weddings, talking about money wasted! But to a shadchan all of a sudden we get all cheap!
Most people don’t have those funds
It’s what the whole world pays
Of course, we pay each shadchan for dates that our children go on that haven’t worked out YET. But if we were to do as you suggested, as we are involved with about 15 shadchanim on a regular basis, this wouldn’t be affordable….this all sounds good if BH your child was zocheh to marry the first or second person they dated. Please remember that this is a difficult process as it is. Please don’t add additional expenses. Thank you.
Maybe we should tip Dr. Rosen also? And since when are you told how much to tip? Good service, nice tip. Bad service not a nice tip
Shadchonim don’t
Why are people so thick here
When does it end?
Keep the flowers, wine and chocolates. We have bills to pay too. Show me the money!!!
we’ll show you the money when you do your job!
stop just sending random names and then ask for money.
shadchanim dont want to speak to me and just keep sending me resumes that are nothing what i’m looking for and when i ask for more information they tell me they dont know him
and you want a salary and tips for that?!!
Dear authors
You don’t have a comprehensive view.
This is becoming tiresome
Like everything in life you have a choice
You can be Right or Happy
Your choice
Keep on showing zero Hakaras Hatov
Keep on imagining that they are making millions
And then wonder …why don’t they take my call and spend hours with me
We have no respect for this field of work and are “ paying the price “ and have such a crises on our hands
Wake up and show a minimal amount of respect for these heroic woman
If more friends and family would be involved in the process, more people would be married.
You don’t need to be a shadchan to facilitate.
Anyone can do it.Do it for a friend and you’ll see that it is possible.
Go out and speak to your neighbors in the other frum communities and see for yourself what they pay
We are soooo far behind
Shadchanim tell people that if you pay and “take care of them”it is better for the couple.
1800 per side is a bit steep.
It is an honor and mitzvah to help people get married.
A person should be able to give what they can without the pressure.
What happened to helping people without it being about money?
It’s different if you are helping someone once in a while, but these group of people are dedicating hours and hours to something that has over 90% failure rate, so they are not compensated for so many of the hours that they put in, this is definitely not a field that people go into with money being the motivation, it’s almost as silly as saying that teachers go into their profession for the money, but showing appreciation definitely helps with keeping them going.
I am an old timer. Back in the day Chanukah gelt was only given to kids. Now it is expected that you give it to adults as well -teachers, workers etc…. Have we taken on the conduct of our non-Jewish neighbors for this time of year?
My friend was a doula for over ten years and never charged a dime.
She did it to help people,for the mitzvah.
It has been accepted in all communities that Shadchanus is “kosher fardinte gelt”!! legitimate income. Many people have resorted to go to a Din Torah when there is a dispute regarding who was the actual Shadchan!
It has always been accepted that we pay for service rendered. This should apply to people who call Rabbanim on a regular basis and Never look for an opportunity to show appreciation either with money or even Mishloach Manos. Especially if you are bothering a Rav that is not a member of your community.!!
I have an older single daughter. The few times she went out and it didn’t work I always gave something to that Shaddchin. It’s important to show Hakaros Hatov! Yet from my experience, the Shaddchanim don’t do much. I’ve never been on a phone call for hours, It’s usually a two minute phone call and most of the time they say if you have a name I’ll mention it.
You did the right thing
I never heard of a worker expecting to receive payment as hakaros hatov. State your expectations clear and upfront please. Then customers can choose to use you or not.
At least they’ll know what you want. And you can send the invoice when the shidduch is done.
And then they are accused of being all about the money..and are terribly bad mouthed
I agree we need a better way to make this work
From a part-time shadchan: I’ve been doing this for about 12 years. I don’t ask a fee. Not everyone can afford to pay a fee, especially upfront. I’ve never spent “untold hours” on any shidduch, but I’ll try to give you the time you need. I will not search hundreds of hours for you or your child. I might search 5 to10, even 20 hours, and not find anyone suitable. I’m not going to send you ideas just for the sake of going through the motions. Just because I wasn’t able to come up with a good idea right when… Read more »
As a a baal teshuva I get no money from my parents on wedding/shidduch expenses. Not only that but I get absolutely no help from shadchanim more than a “sorry no one for you” every month because there’s not enough BTs that they can find for me (not like I can’t marry a FFB but that’s a different topic). I have yet to find a shadchan who really invests their energy into me and helping me out in this difficult journey. Where are these shadchanim who are investing hours into people? Please point out one shadchan like this I’d love… Read more »
I think we should tip the divorce lawyers too for helping people get out of bad marriages
As a single girl who is years in the search, this is such a vulnerable experience. And it seems that we keep focusing on the shadchanim getting more money (registration fee, getting set up fee, older single extra fee and it goes on) rather the singles getting set up. Iyh the money will come.