By Rabbi Shea Hecht
Are you looking for the perfect life insurance? Choosing the right mashpia is the best security you can get for yourself.
Here are some practical tips to guide you through the process.
Beyond the basic prerequisite of choosing someone you respect, admire, and someone whose opinion you will value, what are some important things to keep in mind?
When we need information, we certainly can receive a formal education on the topic ourselves, or, more practically, we can go to an expert. For instance, if someone needs assistance with a legal matter, they don’t really want to attend law school; they just want to talk to a lawyer. Likewise, if someone needs medical guidance, rather than enrolling in medical school, they look for a doctor for direct help and advice.
The same applies in the spiritual sense. When we want someone to help give us direction, we look for a person who is experienced in guiding others, someone who is considered spiritually wise.
Rather than stumbling on one’s own, reach for someone seasoned and competent; someone who is a mashpia to others, to lead you by the hand in the right direction.
The concept of a mashpia is not shopping around for advice from several different people, but rather turning toward the mashpia with confidence and committing to follow his or her guidance. This is the Rebbe’s chiddush.
Naturally, there are times when a mashpia may feel the need to consult with other professionals.
I often receive calls from someone who is a mashpia seeking help in guiding someone in specific areas where he lacks experience. I too, call upon colleagues for information when someone reaches out to me for advice in an area in which I do not feel sufficiently knowledgeable.
When choosing a mashpia, it is essential to ask yourself if this is someone to whom you can relate. This is a critical factor, so that when they give you advice, you accept it as practical and attainable. One should feel that if my mashpia can strive for that goal, so can I.
Following Gimmel Tammuz, let’s reconnect with our Rebbe by identifying and utilizing our mashpia. May the zchus of following our mashpi’im bring about the redemption, so that we can once again go to the direct source for all of the brachos and guidance.
Thank you for writing useful helpful articles. You are a person who seems to care about another fellow human. Keep writing for those of us who want to remain anonymous and receive guidance.
Thank you
Thanks for the encouragement. Needed that…
When one asks good, well articulated, and reasonable questions about how to choose and use a mashpia, they should not be met with comments telling them that they have anxiety and “mental” problems.
In fact, I would say that it’s an inappropriate response to nearly *any* comment, not to mention the general foolishness, presumption, and futility of attempting to diagnose (or judge) someone based on a small writing sample.
Perhaps you should ask your mashpia if that is correct behavior.
It sounds like you may have anxiety. A mashpias role is to guide you and help you, but to me it sounds like you’re general confusion may be mental related.
Interesting article, however the rebbe pointed out by a farbrengen, that the way to choose a mashpia is by knowing the 3 main quialiteus that a YID has, ״they are rachmanim, merciful; bayshanim, have a sense of shame; and gomlei chasadim, perform acts of kindness” (Yevamot 89a), and someone who Excels in these 3 he is the one.
The one who made the whole toomelt about a mashpia in general is the REBBE shouldn’t we follow HIS guidelines when choosing on!?
A Mashpia and therapist have different roles.Therapist can guide with personal issues such as anxiety…. Sever intensity… Mental health issues …. Mashpia is more of a mentor.
And yes if Mashpia is faced with matters such as those meant for a therapist he may suggest that to the person and the individual can have both simultaneously. Good idea and a form of humility if Mashpia recognizes some issues are beyond his/ her role or if they want to consult someone in a particular field without divulging the confidentiality of the person he mentors.
Very good, even the commentary contributed to a fuller understanding of the right criteria to use in making a good choice.
I often think how this important issue is often forgotten about! thank you COL for this important reminder.
We work hard advising others, many years spent learning daf yomi, etc, if only you’d know how it feels when nobody listens to you. The rebbe said to LISTEN to your mashpia. Obviously, a person doesn’t know what’s best for himself
we seem to have very little time together, and it always feels rushed; I work full time, and the Mashpia is a yeshiva rabbi with a big family. for some reason I suspect many people have mashpias (afterall it is ageneral jewish orthodox concept, not a chabad concept) – but that we do not have enough quality time together.
So mashpi’em “consult with other professionals”
Shea, the only reason I considered your mashpia was to untangle the rains from my un-professional. But now you admit that instead of the knowledge base laid down by the rebeyim, mashpi’em end up follow the council of secular professionals – the American Buisness Association, AMA, APA, NAACP, et al. This concerns me.
Can you explain WHO exactly is the entity to which mashpi’im subscribe to?
1. What type of questions do I ask my Mashpia? What Mamer to learn baal peh for my birthday and what Hachloto to make or what do I do when I struggle with Shmiras Einayim? Do I ask my Mashpiya or therapist? 2. What if I feel that I’m being a nudge and bothering him to much? Although he keeps on telling me that that’s what he’s here for but many times my phone calls are not answered and I get the feeling I’m taking too much of his time. 3. What if there’s a disagreement with my Mashpia and… Read more »
Article but alas I can’t find a Mashpia. How does one find him or her when I know so few people?
Is there an age group I should be looking at?
Excellent article. Thank you
“I too call upon colleagues….. I do not feel sufficiently knowledgeable”. Just a small point. A mashpia should turn to other mashpiim, not just ‘colleagues’, rather mashpiim ie someone who may actually be bigger than you etc. More chasidish, more chasidisher hanochas in order to understand what the Rebbe would want in such a situation. “sufficiently knowledgeable” sounds really nice, politically correct, but it’s not just about knowledge. As explained above. Some decisions which the mashpia has to make may be beyond his ‘achrayus’, it may be too big of a decision to make without confiding in a chasidisher yid,… Read more »