By Menachem Levy for COLlive
When I was a kid, I was bullied, and when things finally turned around, I found myself in the bully position. Looking back, I’m not sure what I’m more scarred by, getting bullied and ostracized by my friends or the guilt and shame for the dark side that was unlocked by my actions (and my bullying).
I always thought (and hoped) that things would have improved since then. Generations change, children and parents are more open about their emotions, and schools should have figured out by now how to crack down on it, but now that I’m sending my own kids to school, I see that not enough has changed.
I don’t judge bullied children and I don’t judge bullies; I was both. But I really wished that they would figure out a way how to engrain middos tovos into children.
I was wondering if there was a way to change it when I chanced upon a fascinating sicha of the Frierdiker Rebbe, where, as a side point, he sheds some light on the root of many of the negative middos we find in our children.
The Frierdiker Rebbe tells a story of a kid who was really bad at learning and struggled at school. The teachers told the other children not to laugh at him and they listened. The Frierdiker Rebbe pointed out that the reason why the children listened back then was because they were “Temimim” (Innocent/Honest/Upright), and the reason why the kids were Temimim was that children “take over the nature of parents and adults”. In the past, the parents were Temimim – so the children were too.
It may be basic emulation or parroting, the values that the parents infuse in the children’s upbringing, or it may even be connected to the genetic transfer of character traits, but however you twist it, the answer is in us – the parents and educators. Children may naturally bully, but If the parents would set an example of menschlichkeit and middos tovos, the children will follow.
The impact of the parent’s behavior and culture on the children is great. In Lubavitch, the adult culture is typically based on a super-positive, you-can-do-it, go-getter perspective (borrowed from the Rebbe’s Chinuch and the success of Shlichus), leading children to heightened ambition and a healthy dose of self-worth.
But at the time, adults need to remember to give over the basics of menschlichkeit, kindness, humility, and sensitivity to care about another person. When a parent drops a snide remark about someone or even cuts the line in traffic, they are creating the character of their children. Kids hear our Shabbos table conversations and even our phone calls, be nice and menschlich, or don’t expect it from your children.
Children aren’t naturally bullies. Children are born angels with some chesronos that need correction. Bully comes from the example that is set from the parents or the child is not getting attention from the parents AND the teachers. It’s a way of expressing that what’s being done to him by adults who are suppose to BE adults, he can let that bossy side on peers… A recent trend is to ruin children at 3. So yes parents ARE responsible! Another point:when a child is a good child with good kiddos and given the right chinuch (which is rare today) that… Read more »
it is often NOT caused by parents
and is often a combination of several factors
immediate, caring, consistent and if needed long term proper attention to the matter is key in helping the bullied, the bully, and those that are witnessing and experiencing it, including friends and family
they are born self-centered and selfish, which is how it ought to be. otherwise they would have no nourishment or care. they need to be raised and taught to be sensitive, caring , decent, mentchlich human beings.
children were born with only a yetzar hara which as parents have the responsibilty to mold into mentchin. problem is adults who are worse then animals aka the yetzar hara so yeah children are like malachim who are seperated from sin!
About the husbands who bully their innocent wives and children. It’s the same type of upbringing
there are husband who act not so nice at times and there are wives who act not so nice at times
NEITHER IS OK and both exist
and are often products of lack of proper chinuch or hurt on their part,or reciprocating unfortunately a way they have been treated but are still not healthy or ok and all involved should seek and get guidance in the matter if its at levels or done in ways that need intervention
A good reminder, and straight to the point.
Thanks.
I’m very impressed by how this article was written.
Such a focus on positivity! Pointing out all the good and positive qualities of our community, and only subtlety criticizing.
If more opinions were expressed this way, people would be able to understand each other so much better.
Kol hakavod!
MS
Parents need to set an example by acting with chesed and not bad talking others. Don’t go around saying things like so and so is a nebach, this one is a ganif etc.. If you see a person with obvious mental issues in the street -don’t say he is a meshugena, a shikker etc..Take a few minutes to tell your child on their level about mental illness & addiction. This extends to how we talk about goyim too My daughter is almost 30 now. A few months back she ran into an old classmate from 5th grade. Her old classmate… Read more »
It’s a great thing to try and instill midos tovos in our children and that will no doubt be impactful. However, it’s widely accepted that bullies are usually bullied at home or elsewhere. It sounds bad to say, because there’s an innocent child who’s being bullied, but the bully needs compassion too, he is not ok.
They usually will usually say the Victim student who is being bullied needs a school therapist to “learn how to stand up for themselves but the bully doesn’t need therapy . Yes , they need therapy after years of being bullied.
“Chikdren are born angels”, really? In my Chumash it says:
יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו
What he should have written was that children are born innocent. Once they’re mistreated (usually by their own family) they can develop traumas which lead to very unhealthy behaviors including bullying
The Torah also says עיר פרא אדם יולד, man is born a wild ass. The exact opposite of an angel. We are also taught that a child is born with a yetzer hora but no yetzer tov. Mentchen are made, not born.
“my chumash” your chumash is automatically wrong. Hashems chumash says children are seperated from sin compared to adults. so look in Hashems chumash which is his and not yours!
Lack of respect is very big in the community. I was in seminary (that’s 18 y/o) complaining to the principal that I couldn’t learn bc girls were talking throughout the entire class. Talking in Shul is no different-in front of the open Sefer Torah! When will we learn?
students of all ages in a class/Farbrengen/speaker need to learn to be quiet
it is so not respectful
find something quiet to do to help you focus instead or sometimes specific help in this area is required
hatzlacha rabba
Try to remember how did you act in shul/ class/ farbrengeng etc when you were that age!
Its part of our nature, its normal that kids talk in shul because they are kids not adults or robots. We all did the same thing and whoever say no i didn’t its not true 🙂 because was Hashem who created us in that way in order for as to work on ourselves, thats the main point the avoida!
Not to become robots and behave perfectly
I was referring to adults in Shul which is a huge and obvious problem. And, as a kid, I never spoke out of turn. You can have avoda and be respectful at the same time.
ingrained from the home. Schools also need to reward and focus on it, more than the grades and the memory. There needs to be alot more competition, recognition and focus on being a mentch! Mentchlichkiet has to be the goal of homes and schools!!
How will children learn to stop bullying each other when the adults in this community can’t communicate with any respect? As someone who was raised outside the Lubavitch community, chabad is sadly known for having disrespectful children and teens, and rude adults. The middos of everyone needs to be vastly improved
I beg to differ, there is disrespect in all groups and there are often people they may be respectful to your face butd talk about you behind your back, that is not respect either, nor is making fun of Lubavitchers or the Rebbe c”v. I think every community may have an extra amount of a certain type of disrespect, but may push it to the side because it’s easier to look at someone else and not look at yourself. All disrespect needs to be addressed. How can you make such a blanket statement that the adults in this community can’t… Read more »
I’m only reporting back on what other communities say about Chabad. I’m a Lubavitcher and it gives me no pleasure to relay this over, but we are known to have disrespectful kids and adults, zero derech eretz, and no tznius in our conduct and behavior. & as a Lubavitcher who has had the opportunity to attend schools and shuls in other frum communities, I would sadly agree. Modern orthodox and yeshivish children don’t talk back or treat adults disrespectfully the way children in this community do, and adults don’t talk down to each other and criticize one another like adults… Read more »
I have had two children that suffered at the hands of bullies. We cannot account for the actions of others, but my children never resorted to bullying others. I always instilled compassion in them. For example, on the first day of school I would remind them that there might be a new student in the classroom, and that that student is likely feeling very nervous and alone. I encouraged my children to approach the new child and tell them they would help them find their way and be their friend. This behavior has a double impact. It empowers the giver,… Read more »
You can’t engrain middos they are learned over a lifetime
As a Professional and Parent I have seen how children can grow bad middos. There are teachers and staff in our schools who teach topics in chinuch and are supposed to be examples of it, who are bad examples of Chabad Chassidus themselves. A lot of it stems from them having screwed ideas about the topics they teach and of being nice human beings themselves. They in essence do not have enough knowledge of the hashkafos they are supposed to know and teach. Of course this is not true of all teachers and staff. I have been in the company… Read more »
“From my grandfather’s aphorisms: What good is Chassidus and piety if the main quality is lacking – ahavat Yisrael, love of another – even to the extent of causing (G‑d forbid) anguish to another!”
There are no cut and dry rules, every situation is different. Many children who are bullied often times have low self esteem. Sometimes they need help from a therapist. Sometimes when they are an adult even. Everything begins in the home. If one parent , either one has bad middos, and puts down the other spouse and the children, it causes the child to not have a sense of security and have low self esteem. Still, we need to impress upon our children to be kind to everyone. It should not be an extra thing to be extra kind to… Read more »
Raising an emotionally intelligent child by Dr. John Gottman.
But what the bullies need to learn, it’s years later and it still hurts. Bullying isn’t for that moment or that one year or just in camp. It stays with you and lasts forever.
Google how many people committed suicide because of it.
I don’t always think there’s fingers that can be pointed. And if it’s really the parents, kick them kid out school and let the parents deal with the monster they’ve created!! Bullying needs to STOP!!!
We as parents are just regular humans beings trying to raise children in the best possible way, but non of as is perfect. We all carry with our on package from the past and we will bring it with us in parenting because that’s just the nature way. At the end of the day what our kids do its not in our control, they will choose themselves what to do. Our job is to give them the best tools for life. And as the same of doesn’t matter how hard we work trying to get more money Hashem decides how… Read more »
We are our children’s biggest and most important role models from birth and beyond. It is our job as parents to deal with our own traumas and not burden the next generation and also not give excuses. We carry a massive responsibility to raise children with Derech Eretz. I am old enough to have many years experience and can say with confidence that children internalize the values of their parents wether you like it or not or are conscious of it or not.
So because of your attitude good natured kids who didn’t do anything to deserve being bullied with words or hurt physically by your kids. The schools should realize the attitudes of some parents who’s children bully and not let it happen in their school. Maybe of the schools expelled these bullies the parents would take it seriously
Thank you for writing this. Where is the sicha of the Friediker Rebbe to be found? I would like to be able to learn it and share it.
Acharon Shel Pesach Tof Reish Tzaddik Ches