Are Divorce Rates on the Rise in the Frum World?

By anonymous

The frum institution of marriage is facing unprecedented challenges, particularly among young couples.

Historically, shadchanim played a crucial role in matchmaking, often acting as trusted intermediaries. However, in recent years, their role has evolved, with some becoming more involved in pushing couples together, regardless of compatibility.

How does one know when a suggestion is a good idea or not? How often do we say “wow, what a perfect match!” But yet you knew both parties for years and never thought of suggesting it. Turns out that matchmaking may be what we call “made in heaven.”

(Shadchanim are extremely underpaid for the work they do, perhaps if there was more of an incentive, we would have more qualified professional matchmakers providing a much better service. This should include quarterly meetings with every single they work with).

Divorce rates among young couples have been on the rise. This trend is particularly alarming given the increasing number of marriages ending before their first anniversary, and some unfortunately already with a child. Quietly the question is being asked “why is this happening?” But we’re not doing much about it. So, I am bringing some awareness with the hope that it will help someone out there and become more of a topic of discussion for those who can make a difference.

The root cause:

When a couple gets divorced after such a short time, if you take most cases (obviously each couple has their own journey and story, but they all boil down to the same fundamental flaw) you will see that they were never married to begin with. They may have had a wedding; the young lady covers her hair and the man starts wearing his kapota but both spouses are very much single at mind and heart. Many couples who divorce quickly may have entered the marriage for superficial reasons such as societal pressure. The underlying commitment and understanding of marriage are often lacking. The majority make it because they either had good parents as role models, some had a child too soon and cared enough to learn before it was too late, and others live in misery for the sake of the children.

But in today’s day and age with birth control being used by every couple that gets married, combined with a false notion that there is someone better out there, it doesn’t take much to get bored of someone and decide it’s easier to divorce and start again, instead of putting in the work. Often without realizing (until it’s too late) how much harder it is to get remarried within the framework of our vetting system.

What is marriage?

Marriage is like building a house, a strong foundation is essential for a lasting structure. If you had to choose one foundation for a healthy relationship to build upon it would be “choice”. Marriage is no more and no less than a commitment. The same commitment you make when you choose to go on a diet to lose weight or to quit smoking. That commitment is over the second you chose to break your commitment. Now to lose weight, it takes extreme amounts of discipline and grit to stick all the way through. Diets don’t produce results right away, it takes long amounts of time of consistent discipline before you will see results.

This is what’s happening with our young couples who are divorcing. They don’t understand the gravity of the commitment they make when they decide to get married. The second they are over the burst of lust in the beginning of their marriage the journey as a couple begins. If they are not mature enough and mentally prepared to stick it out and work through all the difficulties of being in a healthy relationship, then you will see burnout and failure set in. Rather than focus on inner work and self-improvement to allow for deep and meaningful connection, they will focus on the flaws of each other and decide there is someone out there who is better for them.

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting this for a couple dealing with serious mental health problems or infidelity – these are serious issues which are far beyond the scope of simplicity (which there is still a possibility for healing).

Preparing for marriage:

If the individual is not really ready for marriage before he starts dating, then there is no point in getting married. This entails understanding and knowing yourself and why you are getting married before you start dating. Secondly, singles prior to going on their first date will need education on what marriage is all about. Let them learn about nidda and harchokos from audio classes that are prerecorded. And lastly, no couple should go into marriage without having made contact with a 3rd party marriage counselor so if/when things get tough, they have whom to turn to for guidance. Having this set up before marriage helps with the privacy of the couple.

Important to note: When choosing a marriage counselor this person should only be seeing the couple together, there should be no private contact with this therapist from one of the spouses and there should be no prior history with this therapist on an individual basis. Couples counseling is very different to individual therapy. Only go to someone who specializes in marriage counseling. One of the most effective models for this is EFT by Dr Sue Johnson. (I highly recommend every couple to read her book – hold me tight).

This struggle of marriage is not new to this generation, what’s new to this generation is 1. The fear of rabanim to persuade couples to stick it out and be patient (I recommend there should be a mandatory month period of separation before Beis din will allow for Gitin proceedings to take place. There is no reason the legal courts should take a minimum of a year and Beis Din takes a week.) 2. Social media creates an illusion of an abundance of choice. 3. The rise in youngsters achieving success at a much faster rate than our parents, who had to work for years before achieving wealth or success. 4. Most important of all, our generation is hungry for real, true and deep emotional connection, which can take a lot of inner/couple work before achieving this.
These all are teaching our youngsters that marriage should also come this easy, but fortunately this is not how the real-world works. No one becomes rich overnight the same way you can’t healthily lose weight in a short amount of time. The real reward of life is consistency and hard work. Ask any parent while they are bringing up a child how hard it is and come back to them once the child has grown up, how every second of agmas nefesh and exhaustion was worthwhile.

Dear Rabonim, Teachers, Mashpi’im, Therapists, Shadchanim and most importantly parents:
Let’s not wait until our children are in their 20’s to educate them about this – because at that point it’s already too late, as the saying goes “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late.”

Kesiva Vachsima Tova – may we all merit to a year of healthy and happy, everlasting marriages.