By COLlive reporter
“Go back to square one. Go back to basics.”
That is the advice that Rabbi Yehoshua Forma, a Chabad Shliach who works with young adults in Argentina, has for solving what has been called by many the “shidduch crisis” in the frum world.
“My wife and I deal with over 400 secular students throughout the year, and let me tell you, I hear the same exact perceptions, questions and doubts from them as I hear from mainstream Lubavitch and frum singles,” he tells COLlive.com.
“What that means is that the secular world has invaded your house and has invaded your way of thinking,” says Forma, Education Director at ISEJ: Superior Jewish Studies Institute in Buenos Aires.
“And that has corrupted our thinking and complicated the way we date,” he says. “Dating was, is and should be a lot simpler than what the two parties on today’s average shidduch date take it to be.”
His suggestion?
“When you get lost in a forest, the best way to find your way back is to locate the path – not look for a new one. Dating the way we used to has worked well and there is no reason why it cannot work again,” he states.
This Friday night, January 6, will be Rabbi Forma’s third time speaking to Crown Heights singles about the challenges of finding a soul-mate. Over 140 singles came to hear him last year and his lecture was well received.
“I insist on speaking only on Shabbos because I want the participants to feel comfortable enough to speak freely without being recorded or photographed,” he says.
He will be speaking for girls on Friday night, 9:30 PM at the Gutnick residence at 827 Montgomery Street (between Albany and Troy Avenues). No RSVP is required.
Rabbi Forma said that if questions and concerns are raised in the COLlive comments, he will make an effort to address them during his lecture.
He added that he is planning to hold a separate lecture for bochurim, but did not have a date and location confirmed. He can be reached at [email protected].
29, your ego is toooo high, totally agree w 30
All of you women that are complaining that its the men, please post your profiles. I just want to make sure I dont make the mistake of spending money to date any of you whiners.
With 2, 9, 18, 28, Let’s get that going
Also, 31
Trust me, if you invited bochurim to that even they would have shown up and you would have been able to find out a bout them by the questions and conversations that they would have
thank you so much for making a change in my son. i never seen him this way be for.
he is the best Rabbi ever
I am a shadchan and I know the reasons why people say no to other people. I appologize if I offended you, that was not my intention. My intention was to put the reasons that people say no in perspective… out of all the reasons I mentioned, a baal tshuva would be my first bet (and it was b”H 🙂 🙂 🙂
“Just because someone went to bais yakkov dosent mean they can’t work out with you.”
The “party line” indoctrinated into Bais Yaakov Seminary girls is to marry a Ben Torah who will learn in Kollel in Eretz Yisroel (or, b’d’eved – Lakewood Ir Hakodesh) for a MINIMUM of 5 – 7 years, but usually 10 years of Kollel is the norm.
Do you think Lubav bochurim would survive such a program?
Hey Rabbi Forma….we are proud of you!!!! I’m sure you will make a difference in the lives of these young people. Keep it up!! Regards, Becky
Thank you to Rabbi Forma for such a wonderful session. It was insightful and the girls were able to be open and honest.
Thank you to the 63 girls who came out on a Friday night to learn, be informed and share their experiences.
We will try and organize more of these events.
Now if only we can get more bochrim to show up 🙂
Rochel
“He may be a baal tshuva, a ger, divorced with three children, 50+ years old, emotionally disturbed…” As a BT, I find your regard for BT’s as somehow 2nd class, less than the elite FFB’s, to be unbelievably offensive and primitive, a real peasant mentality. Baalei Teshuva have reinvigorated your world with depth, refinement and often a more authentic appreciation for Torah values. It’s ignorant attitudes like yours that are part of the problem not the solution.
I don’t understand all the babbling going on in the comments here every one thinks they have the “solution”. In my opinion the only solution is to open our minds and start looking towards other communities for shduchim. Just because someone went to bais yakkov dosent mean they can’t work out with you. My mother is a bais yakov girl and I have one of the most expensive last names in lubavich. Grow up guys. Were your grandparents all lubavich?? Be a man take the big step. The sihduch crisis is like the financial crisis the smaller the trade the… Read more »
Why cant people be more open to singles meeting on their own, maybe even through kosher singles event.
Last year when people heard about the singles events that were going on they became all judgemental and were horrified. That is so not fair, as many single girls are suffering year after year, really wanting to get married and want to try other venues other than the system that unfortunately does not seem to be working for anybody
maybe this can be addressed at the lecture
Good Point!!
Many many many of the boys were molested as children, there seems to be a whole generation of molested boys that cannot get married for many many reasons. Shadchanim are complaining about this but they don’t want!!!! and they ave the right!!! In the meantime, maybe we can figure out a way to help these boys so that we don’t have another suffering generation… on a side note, when someone wants to get married, they can!!! He may be a baal tshuva, a ger, divorced with three children, 50+ years old, emotionally disturbed but if you want to get married,… Read more »
work on you midos be a mench lear chasidus
dont lear and be a baal gaivanik with bad midos
and for the girls the sam thing be modest dont dres like a prost with good midos
in very short you going to see you self out of the crisis
so please answer simple Q? most BT that come to CH shadhaniot get answer after 2 minutes like: our girls it not for you!!!(you not enough chabadnik, you not ffb) or we don’t have enough girls! what next step?
will try to make sure my daughter attends….
I’m a 25 year old Lubavitch Bochur who tried the old approach to dating ( Shadchonim ) and after a year realized it was a huge waist of time, then a young friend and his wife set me up with her close friend and we are getting married soon.
My advice is all guys and girls should focus thier energy on speaking to thier sisters and cousins and married friends for advice.
The ” so to speak ” Shadchonim don’t know you!!!!!! And they certainly don’t care about you, so how are they supposed to be of help.
For some reason, people seem to idealize the way it used to be in the “good old days”. I dont think it was really so perfect as you make it sound.
Not every marriage was perfect back then, maybe we just don’t know what people went through.
In our times, when we dont have clear answers from the Rebbe directly to us, how do we know when it is the right one?
How can we be sure? This is something my friends and I always discuss, that with our parents it was much simpler -once you got that answer, you knew.
When you say the “old” ways of dating, are you referring to a couple of dates then the engagement? If so, I do not believe that system is correct and certainly does not work in our modern world. I’ve known many divorces that resulted from 2 people being pressured to get married in too short a time. It is critical that the young people have strong guidance and mediation during the dating process, but they need to see if they are truly compatible. However, I wholeheartedly agree that due to the influence of an an immoral secular culture, way too… Read more »
if you really want to go back to basics, go back to yaakov avinu..and to Moshe Rabbenu. Where do they meet their wives? at a well,…. the olden day hangout………no shadchan involved……
they recognized immediately that Rochel and Tziporah were their bashert.
No we are not on their level today, but the idea that a moment could be all that is needed to recognize your soulmate, is not out of the question for us today.
Meeting under strict halachic supervision is one answer…why does no one want to try it?
Please Rabbi, be brave enough to address this issue.
Reading the comments here where people are bashing the parents… I dont agree that its the only problem. So many of our young people are confused these days about what marriage and true happiness is really all about. How many times does a shadchan work hard to set up a couple (not easy!) and then after one or two dates, without even giving it a real chance, one or the other decides “its not for me”? Or, sometimes everything is going well, getting along, etc, and after dating for 2 months they call it off because they are ‘not feeling… Read more »
are most of the problem!!!!
They want rich skinny and pretty!!! and NAME!! They wont allow a shidduch to go through unless thats there, so the boy never meets a girl he likes
How can we get back to the origional “path” of people who know the prospective singles well suggesting a shidduch based on what appears to them to be similar outlook and goals, when a) the lubavitch world has grown so large, and b) so many (seemingly- to me at least) irrelevent things have become ranked higher on the “requirements list” then said similarities? How can I convince someone who barely knows me or my family (aka- the shadchan) to set me up with another someone they barely know, especially when we don’t “match” on paper? Just because our pasts are… Read more »
Rabbi Forma is a shliach in Argentina,but he is not argentinian
Most of the time it’s the parents fault!
I think mothers want a pretty/rich/skinny daughter-in-law to make themselves feel better!! it all boils down to LOW SELF ESTEEM! quite pathetic if you ask me!
how many times u hear from shadchanim: you have no money, no shlichus, no name, why will they look at you?
i wonder what the rebbe would say to that? but the truth is that there is more then one reson for the shidduch crisis and ultimately when hashem wants s/thing to happen- it does! even againts all odds. we cant forget who runs the world and who is the real shadchan!!!!
I think the parents need a good lecture, most times they are the ones who turn down good ideas before giving it a chance bec of whatever reason – baal teshuva, family name, money, shlichus, etc.
How many possible shidduchim have been stymied because the parents are aiming too high??? ???
have the events together so they can actually meet..
#4 u r 100% accurate the boys have the big issue ….and thier mothers r a big cuz of the problem ..mothers come down on ur high horses….
How would you say is the best way to go about finding the right person for one’s self? Shadchanim ask all these shallow questions about your standards or what you want your husband to be. What they don’t realize is, that what we want and think we are looking for is many times different than what we actually get. The usual response to that question is, ‘they are just trying to get a feel for you, and what your liked based on how you answer etc..’. My suggestion is that perhaps they (the shadchanim) should converse more about the person… Read more »
PLEASE RABBI FORMA,
MAKE YR MEETINGS WITH BOYS/BOCHURIM FROM DIFFERENT SHULS, THEY ARE THE #1 IMMATURED TO REQUEST A BARBY AND A NAME… OUR GIRLS ARE ALWAYS READY TO DATE SERIOUSLY AND MAKE A BINYAN ADEI AD…. HATZLACHA RABBA
Singles, let your friends know about this event. Spread the word.
So important to speak with the boys as well.
Especially 30+.
They just don’t want to get married.
That’s most of the problem with this crisis
I agree that the outside world has affected our kids, our homes, our lives…don’t know if there’s anything we can do about it anymore.
How about guys and girls being able to meet on their own so they know who the person is.
Kol hakavod to tis Rabbi for reaching out abd helping our singles. We need more rabbis and mashpiim to care for our own in this way.
May all those who need to find their bashert do so immediately!