By Chavi Leeds
Waiting is not easy. And we’ve all experienced it. We have even passed judgement on those that may look on the outside that something is wrong, and we ask why are they not married yet, nebach…
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Waiting is just waiting and that’s what it is. There is nothing wrong with me or any other older single. There may be no explanation except that they haven’t found the right one yet, and with that comes a lot of personal growth that undeniably helps the process, of growing and having a healthy marriage.
The truth is the only time-frame is Hashem’s time-frame, and thinking that we could do something to hasten it faster than it’s meant to be can be scary and may lean into a measure of uncertainty, fear and distrust.
The goal in life is to serve Hashem every day in your best way and that is done as a child, a teenager and a married woman, with the same measure of importance with each stage.
Waiting is hard and appreciating the stage as it comes is a challenge to grow with. So strengthen yourself spiritually. Travel, learn the piano, knit, get your PhD. Do things that will bring you joy in your present day life, do things that will deepen your relationship with yourself and this will add to your married life as well.
A healthy marriage, is one plus one equals one. Two individuals coming together to build a home, and both coming from a place of strength. Hashem already had your match for you announced in Heaven many years ago.
So here’s a letter which I’ve written to my soulmate:
Dearest special one,
I’m ready and waiting for you. I’ve done the work, I’ve met my darkness, I’ve tapped into my light. And here I am waiting. Waiting on you to explain what took you so long. Waiting on you to compare our life events and identify how our lives have mirrored each other, thus bringing us together not only into each other’s physical presence, but on an emotional and spiritual plane.
We are connected whether you’re ready yet now or not, and frankly, maybe it is me that has to do a little more soul searching to invite another individual into my life.
Honestly, I am ok waiting a little longer, whether it’s weeks, months or years. With the knowledge that when we do meet, you, we, will be able to recognize, it was well worth the wait. Because I truly believe that as my soulmate, you are the one. The only one.
And as the only one, settling for someone who isn’t you, just doesn’t sit right. The right place and the right time. Hashem already has our wedding set in stone. We’ve already met in Heaven. There are just a few details on earth that we need to work through mainly the right place and right time.
It is all about discovery. Of self, of spirit. Curiosity and accepting that whatever process you are in and are meant to go through is one that will be relevant to me and our future together. So, I wish you much luck in your journey and I can’t wait to meet you.
Sincerely,
The other half of you
As someone peripherally involved in the shidduch scene, from what I see is that the girls are so much more talented and prepared for life then the boys. Yet here we are with this crisis.
Girls,stop feeling desperate, stop going after the guy, let them be desperate for you! It’s time to really teach girls their worth.
I bet you youre married and you don’t get it! How do you tell a girl age 20, 22, 24, 27, 32, 38 and whatever she, to not be desperate!? It’s a double edged sword! Maybe tell the guys to get moving!
Go tell them. “I bet that will really get them moving….”
Girls aren’t chasing guys,
They’re marriage minded
And are not playing games.
Women. They are women who are full, mature people looking for partnership because they have been raised with this an ideal. Pretending women are desperate for wanting partnership is a despicable wording. Men need to step up. they need to teach their sons how to behave.
First of all,no reason to start blaming men or woman,there is good in every group of people. The point is for woman to get into their feminine energy and attract men . That being said, in my opinion,woman are being put in an impossible situation,where fir some reason, the men have more options. Are there more woman than men? Can someone count how many woman vs men there are in the community? Another issue is parents are choosing who their children even gets to go out with,often depriving them of of dating people they would want to go out with.… Read more »
So someone brings up an issue with men and boys being unprepared and you try to turn it back onto girls? no wonder the problem persists. Girls now aren’t settling. there’s going to be way less marriages i fear
Sure, maybe more prepared for life, but the emotional fragility is incomparable.
Hi, I understand the reasoning behind this comment. However, I don’t believe this to be a true rule. I’m a young man that’s been dating for several years and it’s emotionally hard – I’ve done everything in my power to find my special someone and prepare for marriage by getting a degree and comfortable job to provide a decent income for her and the family, dated well over 30 girls, and spoke to people and read books to give myself a wider perspective on the marriage field. It’s not fair to claim that only girls are “better at marriage” than… Read more »
You sound mature and thoughtful. Maybe you’d be a good match for this writer!
Very true!! (Coming from a teens perspective)
Honestly, I believe even with reading the books, listening to the podcasts and doing all you can to prepare doesn’t grantee it!
Also you seem very well throughout! As one stranger to another, I pray for you and this girl! With Hashems help may you find your true soulmate ASAP! With no delay at all!
Hazlocha!!
Thank you!
I agree that sometimes reviewing all the “marriage material” doesn’t lead to the end result. However, when I started years ago as a teen (around your age :-D), I admit I knew nothing about commitment and the effort needed in a marriage. My goal is to find my true Zivug and shower her with love, and listening to people’s take on the matter broadened my knowledge and prepared me better for when that day will come.
Thank you for your kind words!
Thank you for your openenes and honesty, maybe do Underearners anonymous..specifically you, energetically
Thank you for your words and suggestion! Let me look more into it!
Pleeeease look into this author as a suggestion for you, I think it might be a really good idea
Thank you for your suggestion. It definitely sounds like a potential match; I’m not very good at research in this method, but I’ll try my best. Thank you!
if what you write here is correct and honest, you are one of the FEW men who is in this position while there are hundreds if not thousands of women who are in this position.
Thank you for your response and thoughts, but I will have to humbly differ in your option. Granted, I speak honestly from my situation and position within the Shidduch process, but I also know hundreds of my fellow peers in similar stages of life. We simply don’t know what occurs by everyone’s personal journey to marriage – for example, I myself secretly cry to myself often and daven for the journey to be complete, though I don’t externally show it. I find it hard to accept “girls are so much more talented and prepared for life then the boys” when… Read more »
no one has any talent. any talent is all gifts that Hashem gave them,
Youre right, but it isn’t the boys who are at fault. Girls are given a much more robust secular education than the boys. Girls are far less discouraged to go to college. Girls are encouraged to start working on their career 2-4 years before boys are. Girls also live with their parents a lot longer, on a general basis, this probably facilitates their parents teaching them life skills. In contrast, boys are lucky if the yeshiva even begins to mention any life skills or provides any education for such. Bochrim have to figure it out a lot more autonomously and… Read more »
100% agreed
Girls are educated a lot for marriage.
Boys on the other hand are not.
When I was young I would always ask my parents why Bochurim dont get a robust idea on life, marriage and skills that girls seem to recieve in school. People seem do think it’s ‘chassidish’ not to and to just let them learn. So how does anyone think that they can married and have a functional home with no prior formal education? We just expect them to ‘figure it out’. Yes alot comes from the parents, but what about in Yeshiva?
Spot on. I kept thinking that there are so many incredible women who don’t get married and it makes no sense. and on the flip so many tragic stories of men from inept/ill-prepared to downright dangerous and abusive who do get married. And i’ve finally realized that the way we’re are raising our boys is the problem. and the 18-40 somethings now are suffering because of it. we have the power now not to continue this on with our small children now. We need to raise boys to be kind, compassionate, empathetic, capable, helpful, etc the same way we raise… Read more »
Thank you
This is just what we all need. Tiskoo lmitzvoth, Chavi. Wish all the singles and people helping singles would write such letters. The zivug is there. Bless your other half now, daven on behalf of, thank for now, as you will when you are married and know who your spouse is.
Its not a woman’s job to chase and so sweet that you write your soul mate a letter and have faith in hashem so the waiting doesn’t come across as desperation. Men want woman who are busy with their own life, not just waiting , even simple hobbies as the article points out.
This is extremely passively misogynistic against men, how is there place for these opinions in Lubavitch.
It’s always the girls ready, waiting, pining, the guys!??? Are you there guys??
Do you miss your other half?
Do you even care to get married!? Let us know so we can collect our pining hearts and move along!
But their mother’s are holding onto them,hahahaha!
Talking in our group chats about how we relate.
Girls don’t understand what it means to be a guy
Because guys understand girls? Certain guys never grow up and take responsibility for their life even in their 80s/90s. They’d rather have a roof, financial needs covered, and be stam married knowing the responsibility is on the shoulders of their wife, then make your own life and have your own romantic marriage that you are taking responsibility for. Aka Be a man! I’m horrified. Exchanging money for a romantic marriage of a lifetime?! Do the work! Which man wants that?! Theyd rather the easy way out and then complain how come she is a witch. Did you take the first… Read more »
I agree there are situations out there like that and I sympathize amd validate those but I unlike yoir comment because hoepfully,most men are not like that.
I think some girls forget that men also have emotions and insecurities and get afraid to do things a lot of of wish and even working on themselves to become more manly but it’s so hard for them for whatever reason.
I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying! 😭
Don’t reveal your emotions like that dude, we’re bochurim gotta keep those things in the wraps!
I’d like a guy who knows how to cry and isn’t afraid to have emotions
This is all fine and dandy but when you’re a BT or a ger you are treated so poorly in this system its very degrading
So sorry to hear that. It seems like everyone is having a hard time.
So true but nobody wants to talk about that, it has been going on for years , but if you have money 💴 a lot of money then it’s all good
Look for another bt or ger. I am not chabad but a different chasidus. I am a ger married to a giyores. It took 30 years for us to find each other but bh we are happy and have a new baby. I went through some bad marriages but did not give up. Hashem has his plans for you.
one does not have to “look for another”. they should be able to marry ffb just as easily as anyone who is ffb.
Some just need to get off their high horses. Half of us if not most are descendants of geirim if you go back in time.
if you go far back enough, you’ll get to Avraham, the first Ger 😉
Something many people don’t have.
Kol hakavod to this writer!
How uplifting and special. Lucky man out there to have someone who already feels such love and connection, may he be worthy of your dedication.
May you meet him bkorov mamash!
As a single young woman myself in my mid 30s, thanks for still believing in soulmates. Too many people believe in Bashert which means a potential cut out/tailored (source is sherrel scissor in yiddish) for you at that time. But a soulmate is a whole lot deeper. It’s a feeling of unity oneness closeness that you have never felt before and you wont feel with anyone else. Just for clarity: Rochel Emeinu was Yaakov Avinus soulmate, Leah Emeinu was Yaakov Avinus potential. Leah Emeinu’s soulmate was Eisav yet she refused.
stop using ENGLISH for the Torah which was written in HEBREW
YOU CANNOT USE THE WORD SOULMATE FOR LEAH REGARDING EISAV. THE TORAH DOES NOT USE ENGLISH. STOP CONFUSING PEOPLE
It’s written in Hebrew that Yaakov Avinu was Rochels soulmate because the Torah is written in Hebrew. Did you even read the Torah?
no hebrew word equals the same meaning as soul mate in english language.
and im not talking about Rochel. I’m talking about Eisav.
Yaakov’s soul mate was Rochel
Yisroel’s soul mate was Leah.
Yaakov is for when he was low and downtrodden (heel).
Yisroel is when he was elevated (sar–prince/leader).
Rochel was his soulmate for galus
Leah was his soulmate for geulah.
Kehunah comes from Leah. Malchus/Moshiach comes from Leah.
You may be in for an unpleasant surprise if you keep insisting on a soulmate.
Our nation wasn’t founded on waiting for soulmates.
Rachel was a tzadekes, but you aren’t.
Not only that: a bashert is a very good thing if you are mature. Sadly most men and women today are not. They seek themselves, not Hashem.
This heartfelt letter captures the depth of faith, patience, and self-awareness that accompany the journey of waiting for one’s soulmate. Chavi Leeds beautifully intertwines trust in Hashem’s divine timing with a commitment to personal growth and self-discovery. Her words offer a reminder to cherish each stage of life, embrace its challenges, and recognize the profound value of preparation—not just for marriage but for all aspects of our spiritual and emotional journey.
The letter’s message is both intimate and universal: that love, when rooted in faith and readiness, is worth the wait.
Beautifully said, ChatGPT!
As a married man for over 20 years let me tell you number 1) someone can have more than one soulmate…. “you are the only one” is an avodah that needs to be exercised every single day……..non stop….. especially as hashem recreates the world every second and tomorrow has not yet been created.
much hatzlocha and happiness to you, to all singles and yes!!! to all married people.
As someone who others might put in the same box as you in terms of age and marital status this article strikes me as a bit odd. If it is a motivator for you that’s great but this isn’t a national anthem and I honestly can’t relate to basically anything. Besides those who do choose to get an education or take on a fun hobby it isn’t to just kill time and only intertwined in the fact that they are single and waiting as you put it. Let’s let ourselves and others live life without these burdens and weights it… Read more »
All I see is how men are talking about this in their group chats about how we relate
As an older, waiting woman as well, I cried reading this. Gorgeous article. Yes!!! Thank you for speaking for me and giving a voice to my tefilos. May Hashem do His part. It’s time. Sending you prayerful wishes for the future of joy and an eternal lineage for which your soul is destined, dear writer, friend and sister!
why is only your letter to your soulmate on collive but not every other single persons’ letters? What makes yours more special?
Older singles are the most amazing people! The ones I know are honestly the best wholesome people to be around! May Hashem send everyone their right Bashert quickly and easily!
It does seem there’s a large proportion of amazing people who are older singles. It’s possible though, that the reason they are amazing is because they’ve had single adult time to introspect and grow, whereas married when youngers go into marriage not yet fully developed, get quickly overwhelmed with married life, and so as individual people aren’t necessarily “amazing”. Alternatively many younger married do amazing stuff too, so I guess there’s different kinds of amazings
How old is an “older single!?”
interestingly,she actually signed it off!
Has COL become an inbox of mentally struggling people, I don’t understand?
Week after week, we hear about the problems of the nation. Listen up, I know you’re upset about not being married. But it’s not my problem, and not any of ours, it’s G-ds.
Raise it up with Him.
Find someone a shidduch
That’s not nice
At what age do you throw in the towel. Like, ok, been dating for all this time, met nice people, however, kept looking. Can anyone relate.
You can let go and let Gd. But don’t give up
However I will not be throwing in the towel. Because after 15 years in the parsha I just realized the guys didn’t want me for me, they wanted something about me or what I’ll give them but me?! They run like they have never run before . I have to be here for their needs but NEVER to have needs of my own. That’s my problem not theirs. So throw in the towel?! Neh, I prefer to focus on my career in the meantime and G-d will find me my soulmate who wants me for me.
Work out your issues, turn your story that the guys run TO you! Do energy work and healing! Something might be blocking you
He just walked outta 2a
It’s extremely rare for two people to know with certitude they’re soulmates. Most couples will require work – self and relationship – after the wedding. Perhaps today’s singles, whether older or younger, need to embrace that reality – if they want marriage.
I’m a single guy and every time I see an open ed about shiduchim and the “system” I get this false sense of hope that someone out there with actual influence will help change the way this “shiduch system” has been dealt with only for people to forget there’s a “crisis” 5 minutes later so I understand where this girl is coming from bc were all just waiting for someone who actually cares about helping to just show up
Whats more important, raising a family etc or staying single?
Why box yourself in to one group?
Valid point
In the 50s and 60s there were not enough lubavich girls and many married out of lubavitch.
What is wrong?
Can someone explain.
This is beautiful, please leave contact info (a phone number would be fine).
Sincerely,
Your (hopefully) other half
col should become the next dating platform!
Our Rebbe gave us clear directives
About making ourselves keylim to be ready to meet our basherts. Though Hashem has preordained our soulmates, we still need to do our histadlus. Learn more about this in “Eternal Joy,” “Mazel Tov, a Chabad wedding guide,” or
“Hora’as Shidduchim v’Nisuim.” There’s a new book out, “The Best Recipe for Shidduchim,” which is a great resource
As well. We can do our part & Hashem will do his part!
B’soros Tovos to All!
Reach out to Muli for a professional picture!
I hired him and was engaged a few weeks later.
His number is 3232082697
girls are not baseball cards
It goes a long way
Wow
You need to be at least 6 feet tall Gezh and make at least 6 figures.
Sometimes we just swerve bend that corner and woah, we meet the right person at the right time
Trust in Hashem
This is so moving and speaks so much truth. Words well spoken.
Kol hakavod Chavi, and every other single waiting. It’s such a hard time, and having expedited it, I can tell you that the beauty is worth it. I bentch each and every one of you that the beauty be just long enough to grow, but that you shouldn’t need too much growth 😉
With a heartfelt Bracha to all the singles out there to find their soulmate really really soon!
All the best, only good things to come.
This works until you realize that you’re approaching 40 and time is of the essence to start a family.
Just a thought: Why don’t all of us older singles (girls and guys) write and post such letters to their future soulmate. Other singles can see it and reach out..
However you would have to come up with a group chat or Facebook or something because I dont think collive would agree for every older single…
For sure, not here on collive. It would need it’s own facebook or whatsapp group ..
This letter is amazing. I wish you to find your soulmate very soon iyh. For those in the comments who says that boys are not ready and that it looks like we do not want to get married, please think before you say/write something like this. I’m a young man bH healthy and a good person, and I can say that when I ask a shadchan about a girl, 90% o the time the girl says NO. For no reason. I think that before saying NO, we should at least call a few references , look at the person in… Read more »