Question: When do I know it is time to get divorced?
Answer: Divorce is very very serious, sad, and tragic. It is like the amputation of a limb. It must never be considered, only as a last last resort, when all else failed. We must do everything we can to save a marriage, especially when there are children. To save a marriage when there are children involved is one of the most noble things you can do in life. Yet, when all else failed, sometimes it should be considered, and no spouse should be made to feel guilty after they have been through horrific abuse.
We do not go to the doctor to amputate our leg, and we do everything in our power to avoid the amputation, but sometimes it can save a life.
Let me make it clear. Generally, if both spouses are reasonable, normal people, some top-notch therapy can almost always make the marriage work. When there is serious addiction, malicious abuse, mental illness, and the like, and the person is unwilling to take any responsibility and do anything to help themselves, sometimes it is the last option. But this decision must be made with the utmost consideration for the well being of the children henceforth. And all of us must be there, emotionally and practically, for people enduring such difficult, heart wrenching decisions.
Q: I regret that I didn’t leave and now I am too old to start with divorce.
A: Our decisions in life are directed by the Divine. Look for the opportunity that came about from those decisions. Maybe, you can take your difficult experiences and turn it into a blessing for others. You may be old, but you are also young. Think of your future as a young person.
Q: What can we as friends and family do for a loved one who doesn’t feel she has the strength to go through this?
A: Be there for them. Protect them. Sometimes it isn’t really an abusive situation and we can help them see their role in the marriage and help them get help for their issues. Sometimes the situation is impossible, and then we have to be there for them. Family members should not be objective saints who always see things from two sides. Sometimes it is about cruel behavior, not two sides.
Q: Our brother is the abuser. What can we do to help our sister-in-law and the kids?
A: 1. You have to be firm and cordial with the brother and encourage him to get the help he needs. 2. Be there for his wife – financially, emotionally. Don’t judge her. Offer to give her some time for herself.
Q: How can we make the schools more sensitive to these situations?
A: It is important to meet with the school leaders and the teachers of the child. Help them understand the nuances of this child’s situation.
Q: Does separation help a marriage?
A: Separation can work if there are a constructive plan and clear objectives. Sometimes separation is a very good wake-up call. Sometimes it is necessary to give space for them to breathe.
Q: What about when a husband is a serial cheater, is that considered abuse?
A: Cheating on a wife is betrayal which is abuse. If he is willing to be accountable, to look into his skeletons, and make changes, then they can have a beautiful marriage.
Q: Should information about a former spouse be shared to prevent a future spouse from being hurt?
A: To share information in order to take revenge or to gossip is a big mistake. It is important to define the challenges that the former spouse endured. Share objective information.
AUDIO: Full recording of the lecture and Q&A
For resources related to Domestic Violence, visit adaiad.org/resources
It is important to understand the context of these very brief answers to very complex questions. These questions and answers were shared at the end of the call where Rabbi Jacobson shared about the pain felt by all in abusive marriage. And this is just a too-brief summary of those questions. During the 45 minute talk, Rabbi Jacobson shared his position and concern for anyone suffering in such marriage. The Q&A came after that premise had already been set. These questions standing alone do not give justice to the Rabbi’s stance on all this. For a fuller understanding of points… Read more »
I think the biggest favor anyone can do to help someone in a situation like this is to tell them to go to the right professionals anything other than that could put more harm into that relationship. And as of the question how can we make the schools more sensitive to the situations you’re right it is important to meet with the school leaders and teachers of the child ha ha ha ha ha ha
Our sister was the mental, emotional, and verbal abuser. As a family, we took our sister aside and encouraged her to get the help she needed. We even paid for some of her sessions. And we were there for her husband and kids.
The downside was that she “discovered” she was not interested in being frum and that was the root of her angst. They divorced, and she is now living a non-frum lifestyle. He remained frum, and is doing his best to raise our beautiful nieces and nephews.
Both men and women can be abusers. Questions such as, “Q: What can we as friends and family do for a loved one who doesn’t feel she has the strength to go through this?” should be written as, “Q: What can we as friends and family do for a loved one who doesn’t feel s/he has the strength to go through this?”
all the above is nice, but very simplistic and alot of platitudes. I love about man who is a the cheater. If he is willing to look at his skeletons in the closet and work on himself, they can have a beautiful marriage. how about just a normal marriage with its ups and downs.