33 Practical Dating Tips for Shidduchim

By  Toby Lieder for COLlive.com

1.THE 5 DEALBREAKERS:
Downsize your list of requirements to 5 deal breakers. Before and after each date check in using it as a point of reference. Share this list with the Matchmaker and family/friends informing them exactly of your needs. This list is your absolute guide.

2. GOLD:
In the future when small nuisances (imperfections) play out by our spouse, we can remember these 5 Core values, what attracted us in the first place to get married to them, putting things back into perspective. This list is a constant reminder, my GOLD!

3. PROFILE AND REFERENCES:
Selecting the ‘right’ references carefully, people that know you personally and accurately, is of utmost importance. Too many potential matches fall through because of lack of choosing the right references. Sometimes working against you.The profile should be very professional looking, as if you are applying for a job.

4. TALKING PROFILE:
Consider the idea of a talking profile. It enables people to see you in a different light. There’s a smile, some body language, and expressions. Talk into a video sharing your name, your passion, job, and values you seek in a spouse. Successful engagements have been made as a result of a live one-minute clip as opposed to a mere photo!

5. MATCHMAKER:
Keep the Matchmaker in the loop. Many potential matches unfortunately fell apart because the Matchmaker was let go! The more involved the Matchmaker is, the greater the benefits are, allowing the date to flow more smoothly, and diplomatically.

6. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:
A guy asked for my PayPal after arranging a date for him. He said he deposits $100 as an acknowledgement for the hard work put into helping him and getting him a date. This gesture is greatly appreciated. A box of chocolates/thank you card works as well.

7. FEE:
It is important to be upfront and agree on the Matchmaker’s fee before starting the process so there is no unexpected surprises or misunderstanding.

8. LISTEN:
Pay serious attention and listen to what your child is telling you, what they really want. Not what’s good for you. Make no judgements while having this conversation. If they are mature enough to get married, they’re old enough to choose their future spouse!

9. GENTLE REMINDERS:
Every month send out a message to only close friends and family that really care about you, or your child. Ask them to stop and think for a moment of a suitable candidate. I have seen successful engagements from this idea. Attach the resume and photo.

10. FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
You never get a 2nd chance to make a first impression. Dress in your finest clothes. Make sure you are rested up. Consider taking off an hour or 2 earlier from work, as to prevent exhaustion. This is the most significant time in your life, deciding upon your future spouse! Guys, please make sure the car smells fresh and is clean.

11. THE DATE:
It is recommended to start out earlier than later on a date. Keep dates to a minimum of 3-4 hours. This helps prevent burn-out and exhaustion. Ideally dating should be arranged for every other night including a day date somewhere about the 3rd date.

12. TEXTING:
Too many potential matches fall apart because of misinterpreting texts. Avoid any texting at all. Especially during dating and engagement. Discuss this rule right from the start. The Matchmaker will deliver your urgent messages, that’s their job.

13. OPENMINDED:
Think out of the box. Allow yourself to be surprised to reconsider dating someone suggested, or you had once dated. I know of many successful matches that resulted from revisiting a previous suggestion that was once dismissed. You never know!

14. PRAY FOR ANOTHER:
It says, if one prays for another person that which he himself needs, Hashem will answer his prayers first. Pray for friends who are also in need of a Match. Hashem ill surely answers your prayers first.

15. TZEDOKAH AND EMUNAH:
Give extra Tzedakah, having in mind that this is in the merit of finding your right match.
Hashem is running the world precisely the way it is meant to be and will reveal His plan exactly the time and person it is intended to be. Rejections are Hashem’s protection.

16. RESEARCH:
Just like purchasing a new cell phone, car, house, or laptop, we don’t just buy it without making serious intense research verifying it complies with all our requirements.
How much more so with the person we will live with forever! The parent of our children.
Our list of 5 Non-Negotiables will be of value to crosscheck that they actually qualify.

17. THE MATCHMAKER:
It is highly recommended to use a Matchmaker during the dating process. The Matchmaker delivers ALL the communication and messages. This is of great benefit to you both, preventing any unnecessary miscommunications or misinterpretations.

18. LESS IS MORE:
The less people know about your potential date being considered for you, the more chances you have for a successful outcome. Too many potential dates were ruined because someone spoke badly or twisted facts around, about a possible candidate. Just because the person wasn’t good for you doesn’t mean they’re not good for someone else? We never know if what we say may be stopping someone from meeting their Bashert!

19. GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT:
When you hear a negative report about your potential candidate for dating, don’t believe everything you hear. Give the Benefit of the Doubt, and double check it out. Go directly to the actual person involved and ask them questions. Allow yourself the possibly to consider that they be innocent. Always say mabe it’s not true.

20. A SECOND DATE:
Highly consider as a rule, to go out a second time no matter what. It is hard for people to behave confident and natural on the first date.
Please consider giving your date a second chance, unless it was absolutely totally putting off. People need to get over the ‘Akward’ first date, before they can feel free to be themselves.

BOCHURIM DATING
DO’S AND DON’TS

21. GOOD MANNERS:
Always remember to open the door for the girl when entering a venue. It is courteous to offer the girl to go in first. Opening the car door is also very respectful and admirable. The way you interact and speak to the doorman, waiter, Uber driver, or Bartender, will be closely monitored by the girl. Make sure to remember to say please and thank you at all times. Respecting everyone equally is a very high value for many.

22. SAYING GOODNIGHT:
When bringing the girl back to her home, always wait for her to actually get into her house before leaving. This will give her a sense of safety and security. Never drive away until she is totally inside.

23. DAY DATE:
When going out for a day date always bring some food along like sandwiches, drinks and snacks. It feels good to know someone’s looking out for you and cares. Spending just a few minutes extra time on the presentation of the food will add a real nice touch and would go a long way.

24. LISTEN:
Listen more then you talk. Hear her out completely and show a real interest in her conversations. Do not Interrupt with your opinions. Repeat back in your own words what you understood. It will make her feel very acknowledged, respected and happy.

25. WHEN TO END THE EVENING:
3 -4 hours into the date ask her if she is tired, wants to continue, or go home. Even if the date is going very well check-in with her status preventing possible exhaustion. This will deliver a very respectful caring behavior.

26. TEXTING IN DATING:
I have unfortunately seen many engagements broken off due to misinterpreting a text message. One didn’t answer quick enough or the other didn’t reply at all. These miscommunications can be avoided if you make up together beforehand NO TEXTING AT ALL.

27. BE PUNCTUAL:
If you are picking her up at 7:00, be there at 7:00. It’s not just a matter of being on time, it’s a matter of showing her early on that you stand by what you say. You are reliable, and trustworthy. You stand by your word.

28. WALK UP TO HER DOOR:
When picking her up, walk all the way up to her doorstep. Do not send her a text saying “Here.” or “Outside,” when picking her up. Go out of the car and go up to the door. It is a courteous gesture that says a lot.

29. CLOSE YOUR CELL PHONE:
It is disrespectful to look at or even glance at your cell phone at any time during dating. Make sure it is shut before you start the date.

30. CAR
Make sure the car for the date smells fresh and is clean. This will definitely be appreciated.

GIRLS DATING
DO’S AND DON’TS

31. DATING IS #1:
Consider taking time off work to be rested for your upcoming date. This is one of the most important decision-making time in your life! Being rested, calm and relaxed can be very beneficial. Do not base your dates around personal commitments, like someone’s Lchayim, Birthday party, gym, or a Shiur. A date should take priority over anything else.
Assume the possibility that each date could be possibly be your actual potential spouse!

32. DAY DATES:
Guys like to feel nurtured. What greater way than you bringing food prepared nicely for the day out. The more thought you put into the preparing and presentation, the warmer and appreciative it will be received. It makes a huge difference to feel well fed and cared for.

33. DISCUSSING AND COMPARING:
It is recommended to not compare notes or discuss with friends details of the date. It is honorable to treat the dates with privacy and respect.

TOBY LIEDER DATING COACH AND MATCHMAKER

Toby Lieder
A Teacher, Mentor, and Matchmaker for over 40 years, having a knack for successfully matching people up for Marriage. Toby is a mother of 14 children, (13/14 married) and living in Australia the past 39 years. Toby is an inspirational speaker, sharing practical tips and advice that actually work. She helps you identify your blind spots, and possible blockages. Toby prepares you well for dating and marriage. In a session with Toby, she will challenge you, pick you brain, and help you explore and identify your own core values, creating your customized list of 5 non-negotiables.

BENEFITS:
Since you have invested in an appointment, interview/coaching session with Toby and she now knows you very well, your profile gets placed into a database with other singles that too were interviewed/coached by Toby. Possible suggestions that may match up your 5 Core Values or as close as possible, can now be possibly suggested.

[email protected]
WhatsApp +61470173916

Website. Tobydatingcoach.com
For Interview/Coaching

Conference video call session appointment, contact:
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WhatsApp and Phone +61470173916